Brexit: How England Wants To Be America Now

Written by Gilbert Miser

England is sick of being represented by an old queen, and has finally caved into an American concept known as “liberty” as well as, “freedom”. In 2016, the “people” in England voted on a referendum (a spontaneous election but lamer) to decide whether or not they want to be governed by a queen and her hornet’s nest (the European Union), or finally leave their parent’s basement of monarchy and become an independent democracy. The wise people of England voted to leave the European Union and by proxy disobeying the queen that has ruled over their land for over a millennium. The term “Brexit” is a combination of words relating to Britain, exit, and Chex Mix, the corporate sponsors of the “Leave EU” movement.  As England leaves the European Union, they become much closer to being American than ever. That will greatly help our weird-looking allied country.

These are quite exciting times for the people that have given us The Beatles, Monty Python, and whatever the hell “fish and chips” are. No longer will England be governed by an autocratic queen that hordes the largest selection of “tea” in the known world, but they will be able to draft their own constitution and have truly free elections. The European Union was bringing England down with its debt and stagnation as well as the stranglehold the evil Queen of Britain has cast down on them. Time will keep ticking until March 29th, 2019 when England will finally be its own state, permanently withdrawn from the “United Kingdom” and turn into a democracy.

Until that time, England will have its own boring decisions to make regarding trade, immigrants and whatever. Their economy will grow stronger from being away from European Union regulations and whatever the Queen demands. England still has quite a way to go before it fully turns into the USA of Europe, perhaps they should begin building a wall to prevent the Spanish from bringing their crime, drugs, and all that anti-Christian stuff. They need to do away with the European tradition of “SOCCER” dominating their society and turn to the much more manly and American sport, football. Financially, they’ll have to deal with their currency exchange rate, but they have more pressing issues to worry about before the March 29th due date. They have plenty of time to fix their culture and make it more entertaining.

Leaving the European Union and subsequently, the Queen of Britain will greatly assist the ailing economy of England, which is hampered by a plethora of taxes to support a 21st-century monarchy and keeping it afloat. After enough taxation without proper representation, the English have finally realized that the United States of America has a better deal in the world then they do, and if they want to be anywhere near America’s level, they need to step up their game. It’s time to give props for England in realizing their 242-year blunder in having a normal government. Congratulations to Theresa May, the first president of England! You’ve earned it.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial correspondent. His billionaire parents died under mysterious circumstances he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became a multibillionaire. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”. 

Political Correctness: How Democrats Are Trying To Make The English Language More Communist

Written by Dan Shapiro

Within this millennium, college campuses have gone berserk with over-correcting people based on their identity. It seems like a long time ago, “political correctness” was a way of condoning Communism and softballing the socialist framework in order to appear more approachable and acceptable, hiding behind the very real dangers behind those wicked ideologies. Nowadays, college campuses are reinforcing a “political correctness” mindset towards its students and ideologies that are antithetical to the American Dream. No one can use the words “spook” or “fairy” anymore in their courses because apparently, they are considered “racist” and “homophobic” words. How? These rules are never explained, merely enforced and considered to be common knowledge towards fellow college colleagues. This sort of action is UnAmerican and deserves further scrutiny.

At first, “political correctness” was created from the Fairness Doctrine. The Fairness Doctrine was designed to make the English language and political discourses safer from the advent of television. This policy corroded the American consciousness until it was terminated by the next President to be added to Mt. Rushmore, Ronald Reagan. But while Reagan closed the door on “political correctness”, it came back seeking to invigorate college students into becoming Antifa anarchist radicals willing to firebomb large business buildings in the name of “anti-fascism”. They would wish they sounded that awesome, but really those same people smoke their bongs and decry about capitalism through their Xangas and LiveJournals. As a result, our children have become more sensitive about the rigorous and well-maintained reality that surrounds them and have turned into feminists French chain-smokers.

This is what communism wants from our children that are ready to work for a living until their eventual retirement, they want to destroy the state from the inside out. Political correctness, to put it simply, is socialist propaganda. The Democratic Party, in another desperate attempt to gain voters and appear more relevant, must tie college-aged children to the far-left in order to sway them away from the glorious goods of capitalism. Only this is one of their few attempts at being more popular is working, and its effect on American democracy seems wavering. The liberals have threatened to create a “Blue Wave”, its liberal framing of “Red October”, in the upcoming midterm election. What Democrats really want is healthcare for all, more regulations on liberty, and to imprison those that disagree with their radical agenda. Attempt to call them out on their illogical beliefs and they call you a “bigot”, in a desperate attempt to shut down YOUR speech. So much for “sticks and stones”.

The Democrats aren’t just targeting college-aged kids, but the entire English language as a whole. The liberals have attempted to remove mundane words, like “spastic”, “Mondays”, or “faggot” since the snowflakes deemed those words “offensive”. Do these liberals watch football? Life is like football, it revolves around OFFENSE and DEFENSE. (Editor’s Note:  Football also has a “Special Teams”, which is what liberals think are what the “physically handicapped” better known as cripples, play within the sport). You need to have both to achieve the American Dream, the desire to defend property, and the offense capabilities of earning your way into retirement.

It’s a sad fact of reality that the “intellectually disabled” are called “retarded”, but that does not mean that we should stop saying the word “retard”. That’s retarded. We cannot stop what other people call other people, no matter the profanity or the outlandish nature of a word. We cannot change words, they come to us with meaning and changing that meaning into something else, in a liberal’s stance to something “less offensive”, would be exactly what the communists would want. The liberals claim that “offensive words” are oppressing and delegitimize fellow Americans. I staunchly disagree, no one needs to be offended by words, they can just accept their status quo and move forward without deterrent. If you’re going to be offended by simple words, how can you expect to become a successful American? Life is all about shit hitting the fan, if you can’t embrace it you will not adapt, and die as a result.

The Democratic Party is attempting to coup d’etat the English language from its capitalist roots and cutting those roots and trying to grow a new tree in the name of communism. It’s the closest thing the liberals have to expand their voting base and try to “blue wave” over America. Do not fall for their “retarded” schemes to eradicate the English language as we know it, call words the exact way they are intended and refuse to adapt to their ongoing changes. Say the words you had in mind, never censor yourself to or in front of a liberal.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.