SPECIAL OP-ED: Why I Never Went To Ukraine by Rudy Giuliani

Written by Rudy Giuliani, Esq 

There has been a lot of news about my client, President Donald Trump, who may or may not have tried to make a TRADE DEAL with The Ukraine. But the lamestream media (that of which is biased towards the liberals) thinks that I, THE Rudy Giuliani and defender of New York on 9/11/2001, would somehow go to Ukraine and engage in an act of “Quid Pro Quo”, or deal/trade making. The lamemainstream liberal media would like you to believe that Quid Pro Quos are illegal (they aren’t), but even worse is that they think I, THE Rudy Giuliani, went to Ukraine all by myself to help Donald Trump do something feasibly illegal. These allegations are fake news, and with the thanks of Don Kaftan, I finally have an outlet to free myself from these baseless accusations.

As we all know, Democrats hate freedom and elections where they lose. They are the sorest losers in our society, always saying that elections are rigged and that Voter ID is bad, et cetera. They gain new excuses each decade to save face for their parties’ lack of ideas on how to fix the deficit and their feebleminded attempts to raise all of our taxes so they can steal our hard-working money. I never went to Ukraine for any reason, ever. I don’t know anybody in Ukraine nor do I know what sights, restaurants, or lavish gentleman’s clubs that exist in Ukraine. I NEVER WENT THERE, EVER. The idea that I wanted to help some two gentlemen named Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman with a quick pro biscuit is ridiculous. Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman are two names I would think of on the top of my head that sound like Ukrainians that deal with gravel pits or university dust bowl experts or what have you. Agriculture professors, not some money-laundering experts that have any expertise in politics or economics. I don’t know who either of those two people are. As far as I know, they were invented by the media to smear me and my client.

Now I ask you, faithful and smart conservatives that read this wonderful and stupendous website, why would I ever be in Ukraine? I’m busy helping America become great again, so why would I go to Ukraine and ask for their help to make America great again? It’s pure nonsense, just like Mueller’s witchhunt investigation to dismantle American unity from within. Now some media outlets like Breitbart allege that I was having communications with Parnas and Fruman (again, I don’t think these people exist but the media claims that they do) which would be enough to allegedly damage my reputable reputation which is again, a falsehood of the highest order (libel perhaps?). I never went to Ukraine. EVER. 

It is beyond my wildest comprehension that anyone would want to incriminate me, let alone President Trump, in some wild foreign policy conspiracy theory about Ukraine and corruption as well as the attacks on character towards my client and I. Why would I want to hurt my own country, The United States of America, when I nearly prevented 9/11 from happening until it was too late? I was the one who helped save our country on 9/12 and made us come back from that harrowing attack that nearly killed 3,000 people on our own soil in New York City, New York where I was mayor for quite some time. As mayor of New York City, one of the most stupendous sights in the world, why would I spend some time in Ukraine, let alone talk to some weirdos about money or whatever? I never went to Ukraine. EVER.

It is simply asinine for me to explain myself to the patriotic American people that I never went to Ukraine. EVER. For any reason. I don’t know who started these baseless rumors but they should be punished swiftly for libeling and slandering my name as well as President Donald Trump’s in a vain effort to push him out of office for being one of the loudest and great patriots of our time. So I ask you, have you ever went to Ukraine to make money? No of course not, there are better places to make money and Ukraine is not one of them. Hell, I would go to Syria before Ukraine if I wanted to make some money. But I was looking to make money inside America, and NOT UKRAINE. I have been attacked from these baseless accusations and writing this article up is distracting me from the very real work and soft power I’ve been working hard on making our country great and secure again. There’s a lot of work I have to do so I’m going to leave you all on one final note.

I NEVER WENT TO UKRAINE. EVER. I HAVE NO BUSINESS OR FAMILY OR RELATIONS OR SECRET WIVES OR ANY MONEY HIDDEN AWAY IN A BANK IN UKRAINE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE IN MY LIFE AND I AM NOT UKRAINIAN. ANY ACCUSATION ABOUT UKRAINE TO ME OR MY CLIENT, PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, IS A FALSEHOOD. I WILL SUE THE NEXT NEWS ORGANIZATION FOR LIBEL IF THEY THREATEN TO ME OR MY CLIENT ABOUT POTENTIALLY BEING IN UKRAINE, WHICH AGAIN, I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO. NEITHER HAS PRESIDENT TRUMP BUT ALSO I HAVE NOT BEEN TO UKRAINE. EVER BEFORE. OR PREVIOUSLY THEREAFTER. NEVER. BEEN. TO UKRAINE. NOT EVEN ONCE. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

Have a pleasant evening, everyone! I’m going to watch Mork & Mindy and eat some baked beans with mustard.

Rudy Giuliani is the former mayor of New York City from 1994 to 2001, where he successfully defended America from more godless Islamic barbarian attacks after 9/11. Formally known as “America’s Mayor”, Rudy Giuliani is one of the most successful mayors in American history, helping to stop crimes from happening in NYC permanently as well as his fierce tenacity to defend America from the evil forces that try to attack America’s “quality of life”. Rudy is known to have a super keen sense of smell that allowed him to know when exactly terrorists were about to attack the World Trade Center on 9/11. 

The United Nations: A Communist Child- Murdering Elitest Hellhole

Written by Sarah Napoli 

For far too long, the United States has been apart of the United Nations, an organization dedicated to giving America’s money and liberty away for “reparations redistributions”, legal mumbo-jumbo for American money and American liberty being sucked away for an inherently Marxist reason: redistributing the wealth. But what does the United Nations do with our American tax-dollars? Absolutely nothing, much like the tenets of communism. Recently, America was wasting its hard-earned freedom bucks on a so-called “Human Rights Council”, a money laundering front for terrorist countries. America withdrawing from a council of lesser civilized countries is a hard-earned victory to a real human rights-endorsed country that doesn’t murder children.

The United Nations is run by international globalists that despise America and want to see our children dead. They do not care for people like you or me, they want the world to be run by authoritarians that wear trench coats with cargo shorts, people who have no real grasp on humanity. They are the elites that want to police us and tell us what to do and how to think and feel. The elites want to usher in a 1984 world where I can’t put my kids in a charter school and give them tools to succeed. The United Nations wants to kill our children before they can learn the values of self-defense. If the UN can’t prioritize American interests above Europe or some other barely developed country, what good is it for?

The UN claims to want peace in our time, but have never made any moves showing that intention. The UN smuggles children from all across the globe and forces them to learn other languages and cultures that despise America. The values of multiculturalism are a commonly debunked myth, with only having the fringe benefits of providing “good food”. Listen, if your dinner doesn’t have meat slapped between bread and cheese with French American fries as a side-dish, it’s not real food. Ask any Italian and they will tell you. The UN, which values the corrupted liberal tenet of pacifism, does not benefit the United States from patrolling the world as God intended to. They are a farce.

Many terrorist countries occupy the United Nations, most of them with the intent to run on the “Human Rights Council”, which is anything but what it says. Many of those evil heartless and Muslim countries have been profiled, Syria, Iran, North Korea, and many of those other “Lebanon” countries. The United States had to have a role in order to keep these freedom-hating unGodly countries from inflicting their evil deeds on the world and poor old Israel. Most of the Human Rights Council’s work has been focusing on the destruction of Israel, the America Jr of the world. Never once did these countries that participate in this human rights scam council ever thank America for protecting them from becoming pure evil, Nazi-like and corrupt rather than the rudimentary sinister countries that bark up nuclear war every couple of months or so.

Most of the time spent on the “Human Rights Council” has been dedicated to the destruction of Israel and all that America stands for in that precious Middle East region. Many of Israel’s neighbors are terrorist countries that harbor Sharia law and missiles, but no nuclear weapons (yet). These countries don’t want a hot dog, they want your children to die for their prophet’s profit. The evil scourge of Godless Islamic Atheism is the ultimate threat to peace in our time. Israel does not conform to their heinous ideology purely on the basis that Israel is a country filled with Jews. Jews are, of course, not Godless (but should be), nor Islamic, and a majority are questionably Atheists and/or Satanists that want to defile America for a quick buck. Which makes the Jews either very American or very anti-American, the jury is still out.

Regardless of morality, the United States pulling out of the UN’s so-called “Human Rights Council” is a hallmark moment of our lifetime. The United States can now use proper force to truly police these unruly “Human Rights supporting countries” rather than doing the boring paperwork of slapping sanctions on a country that will never get the point, like Iran or Mozambique. We can focus on our own interests abroad and not worry about the needs of those that refuse democracy to be enabled in their country or the rule of law. Finally, America can move on in the world and focus our own dirty work, by demolishing these anti-American, communist and anti-God countries.

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans.