Month: February 2018

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Baby Murder (or Abortion)

~ DonKaftan ~ 10 Comments

Written by Dan Shapiro and Pastor John Mathewson

Here at Bullshit News, we always want the public to engage in open discourse to show why liberals are wrong. Maybe then they will finally learn how life works. One such liberal misconception is their theory on “Abortion”, or terminating a child while the child is being formulated. We have brought up an open forum for our two contributors, Dan Shapiro and Pastor John Mathewson for our new segment, Point/Counterpoint.

 

Pastor John Mathewson: Point: Abortions, at any occurrence, are murdered children in the eyes of God. It is an abomination.

Dan Shapiro: Counterpoint: Anyone who commits an abortion should die. The so-called “doctor” and the women in question. Eye for an eye.

PJM: Point: It is a state’s right to decide the illegality of abortion.

DS: Counterpoint: Abortion should be illegal by a constitutional amendment.

PJM: Point: That’s pretty difficult to do, we should be a bit more realistic in our approach.

DS: Counterpoint: Donald Trump is still our president. Nothing can stop us.

PJM: Point: If abortion is illegal, so-called “back-alley abortions” will occur more often. They are, in a sense ironically, deadlier than a normal abortion.

DS: Counterpoint: Use birth control and don’t get pregnant. It’s that simple.

PJM: Point: Abortions are the kind of thing devil daughters like Lisa Simpson do.

DS: Counterpoint: A woman who has never had an abortion is purer than a virgin.

PJM: Point: If you undergo a single abortion, you will go to hell where Sun Ra commands the radio stations.

DS: Counterpoint: Sun Ra is a phenomenal Jazz musician, but hell is still a horrible and treacherous place. Can’t argue about theology with a pastor!

PJM: Point: Planned Parenthood needs to be totally defunded from the government for the assistance of baby homicides.

DS: Counterpoint: Anyone working at Planned Parenthood needs to go to prison. Along with Hillary Clinton. Murder is unacceptable by almost every ethical tenet.

PJM: Point: Some claim an abortion is only permissible in the first three months.

DS: Counterpoint: An abortion is an abortion. It is the termination of life, no questions asked.

PJM: Point: Abortions are harder to get to since the passage of Roe Vs. Wade.

DS: Counterpoint: Women can get abortions from their smartphone apps. Instagram has been paying scientists to figure out a way for women to get abortions through their app without a doctor at all. This will lead to future problems regarding the ease of access to abortion.

PJM: Point: God called me last night and said abortions were explicitly forbidden.

DS: Counterpoint: I can’t be contrarian to that because I am not a Godless Islamic heathen.

PJM: Point: All women should undergo ultrasounds before having an abortion.

DS: Counterpoint: All women should undergo multiple X-Ray exams and stare at the charts with the Ludovico technique.

PJM: Point: Sharia Law permits abortions because they are “halal”.

DS: Counterpoint: Our strictly Judeo-Christian patriotic heritage will not be threatened by Zionism or its attempts at creating abortions!

 

 

We can agree to disagree with each other. It’s the freedom that is the aura of America. We hope you’ve seen both perspectives on an important issue in American politics. Continue the conversation, bring it up on dates to your potential spouses, it’s important that every American is informed about jihads committed by so-called doctors on a daily basis, right here in our own backyard.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrians, excluding Calvinists.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan Shapiro went to Yale and graduate at the top of his class with his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB.

 

 

Arming Teachers With Firearms Is The Only Way To Prevent Undesirable Manslaughter In Schools

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief, Founder

Liberals have not stopped talking about guns since the Stoneham Douglass High School tragedy last Wednesday. Why are liberals so fixated on guns? We know guns can’t be the problem, they’re the solution to the problem that was initiated by wacko nutjob folks that play too much Call of Duty: Medal of Honor 3, listen to too much “Heavy Metal” and “Jazz” music and absorb all violent tendencies that come from CNN and the local movie theater. There are innumerable studies that show mentally disturbed people who absorb too much inappropriate media will order a gun from HGTV and shoot up somewhere in a statement they whine in their manifestos, naturally inspired by Karl Marx. My question is this: Why do all the mentally ill vote Democrat? Consider John Hinckley, the nutjob that was in love with Jane Fonda (an anti-American freedom and anti-liberty actress) and tried to kill the bastion of all that is good and noble, Ronald Reagan. What kind of common sense Republican would attempt to discharge a firearm in public, let alone founding father himself Ronald Reagan? Republicans are responsible and orderly, Democrats are mischievous, overly idealistic and odorly.

The real problem this whole fiasco brings up an important question, why do Democrats want this supposed “gun control”? What could that accomplish? People will still find a way to acquire a firearm (and knowing democrats that want all guns to be illegal, they would sell them on the black market to make a profit to save their bankrupt asses), and no God-fearing patriot would ever refuse a sale. Everyone needs money, everyone needs to find a way to protect their money, and so everyone needs a firearm to protect their money for themselves. So yes, teachers like children must learn how to use a firearm for self-protection, it is not just a practical solution, it is the only solution. If crazy atheist liberal wackos will keep shooting guns in school and not on a firing range, making every teacher prepared for the worst, will give them a strong mindset to be ready for the worst.

“But”, the dumb-o-crat contrarian says, “What if teachers don’t want to use a gun?”. That’s tragically simple, they will die. If they die, they die. I believe the term to be used is “natural selection”, because the liberal teacher will naturally select himself to die, preferably as a body shield for the accidental manslaughter that can occur in schools. The smart children that have Glocks can easily save teachers too, but it is ideal that every person in a local public school is armed, and from there it will prevent these incidental discharges from occurring ever again in public. As the Founding Fathers said when creating our beautiful and exceptional country:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Ahh, the Second Amendment is like Psalm 23 of the United States. Our shepherd, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, guides us through the cloudy uncertainty of day-to-day living. There will always be worse people with guns (some circles call these people, “libertarians”) that will exercise their Second Amendment rights and discharge their bullets to unwilling defenseless toddlers. And until everyone is armed (per their rights and given they are not a felon, in which case they can use BB guns), these atheist wacko Islamists will always try to terrorize the people. But if we all listened to our Founding Fathers, maybe we don’t have to worry about these incidental acts of unintentional manslaughter in public venues.
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Teachers NEED guns, perhaps at subsidized costs and preferably tax-free. We can’t afford to have any young bright minds wasted because they never learned how to use a firearm in school for self-defense. Local NRA chapters should assist every teacher on how to be properly armed and ready in the event of an unfortunate discharge, and learn how to fire and hold a gun to prevent recoil and cause other accidental discharges. The only solution the commies can contour up when it comes to so-called “gun control” is to either ban every firearm, ban media imagery, or promote “universal background checks”. “Universal background checks” is a dog-whistle word for socialism, as well as the word “universal”. Think about it, the term “universal” puts every American into a regulated box waiting for the government to pick them up from the school to lobotomize them into unwilling consent that regulation is acceptable and that everything in life would be better if the government-funded everything. Ugh, fiscal irresponsibility gives me the shakes.
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The media are to blame here. Our media is very violent and bloody that it makes liberals squirm with all the high-intensity action that media provides. It’s very entertaining, so much it functions as a feedback loop, resending the same signals that tell people to purchase a product or commit a tragedy using a beloved firearm towards a local populace. But the solution isn’t more regulation, you filthy liberal plutocrat, but to be more aware of media’s images and effects. Children are intelligent but unaware of the effects of the media, so it’s up to the parent’s discretion to be mindful of what their children do before they grow up a Democrat. And especially do not give a child a “Metallica” or “Charlie Parker” CD, those kinds of music will mess with any mentally disturbed teenager. To adequately protect children is to go beyond giving them firearms and training, but to instill that your child is media literate and is well aware of the liberal biases in places like NPR, CBS, and CNN. Too much exposure to those outlets will drive them into an unintentional manslaughter event.
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The liberal fixation on regulating or banning firearms is a call to arms. We cannot allow this kind of atrocity to impact our beloved and beautiful country and corrode what our Founding Fathers died for with terrible and inaccurate musket-rifles. Pistols have a safety for a reason, obviously meant to prevent unintentional public discharges from occurring but sadly Democrats never read the fine print or a manual. The solution to these public undesirable manslaughter events is not more regulation, but to make sure every teacher is locked and loaded before the first bell rings. We cannot afford more children to die because of educational mishaps, or their lack of awareness of what firearms are. WE NEED TO TEACH THE CHILDREN rather then charade them into a world of lies and firearm regulation, what a crooked future that would be.
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Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan was not invited to CPAC because he was too conservative for their tastes. 

Captain Crunch Cultivates Controversy For Creating Positive Christian Message

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

Captain Crunch, a remarkable American icon from the good creators of PepsiCo and Quaker Oats, has generated a lot of liberal outrage over a supposed changing in slogans from the old clichéd, “Crunch-a-tize me, Captain!” to a modern and positive phrase, “Proselytize me, captain!”. Liberals, outraged and blinded by the very existence of living in a Christian country, have filed in their FCC complaints and believe the positive uplifting message of Captain Crunch’s gospel should not be spread to our downbeat defenseless children.

PepsiCo has denounced claims that their message was intended to spread awareness of our Good Lord, Jesus Christ. Pepsi merely claims that “proselytize” is an active ingredient to replace high-fructose corn syrup, a controversial thing to liberals because they’re worried about their kids adding an extra five pounds to the camera for their so-called “headshots” (not to be confused with the American past time of ending a terrorist’s life). Liberals think that “proselytize” is a word that means actively trying to convert someone to the plaintiff’s religion. This is demonstrably false. “Proselytize” is a laboratory-invented chemical compound that God-fearing Scientists believe can solve the obesity epidemic. And above all else, why would one of the leading cereal brands on planet earth want to convert millions of people to Christianity? They would be doing that anyway. Why would a cereal company deliberately change their popular slogan into something potentially divisive? If you said that Captain Crunch has GMO’s (and probably does anyways but who cares), that would really be the spicy hot sauce that makes the lactose intolerant lefties go crazy.

Perhaps we should discuss what this new chemical compound, “proselytize” is all about. The rational scientists behind this discovery have said that “proselytize” breaks down fat cells and lipids better than regular old sugar can do. But because “proselytize” is a new recent invention from the minds of the most esteemed scientists employed by Pepsi, liberals are also worried that monkeys, rats, or some kind of possum ilk were tested in labs to prove the scientist’s hypothesis that the “proselytize” chemical really works. And it did. But dumb-o-crats are still outraged because their politics revolves around begging people to do things rather than actually putting in any effort or work to what they desire to achieve. Rather than care for the ultimate goal at the end: eliminating obesity, they would rather bicker and stall progress in our society. And they wonder why things don’t get done at Capitol Hill.

Democrats don’t like Jesus, and that’s not news to anyone. They are worried about nothing while making America succumb to the pussification complex that troubles our nation’s young men. We should all applaud PepsiCo and Quaker Oats for working together to tackle obesity by the jugular rather than condemn their potentially questionable methods of doing so. The only way Americans will have fewer health problems is if they consume cereals or other foods with the new “proselytize” ingredient stored in its crunchy goodness.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters and is the resident in-house centenarian. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer still drives his Ford Model-T from his boyhood years. 

When Will Our Children Learn To Shoot Back?

~ DonKaftan ~ 9 Comments

Written by Roger Goodmen

A sad and terrible tragedy has occurred in America today. Another senseless tragedy of a Godless Islamic heathen committing violence against defenseless teenagers that could have been easily prevented with an AR-15. We here at Bullshit News express our deepest thoughts, condolences, and prayers to the children at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. No one should be shot at unless they are committing a crime.

Recently, mass shootings have been a problem in America, like opioid overdosing and liberals. Like Heroin, it became popular in the 90’s, when two gamer losers that went to Columbine High School did the Columbine thing. These children do not learn to defend themselves in school but merely run around their school or specified football field as a means to run away from their problems. This is irresponsible and an example of the waste that the Obama Administration handed over to Trump in order to give him a more difficult time in office. These defenseless children can’t run away from their problems like bullying and opioids, they need to learn how to shoot back, and hard.

I don’t mean to be convoluted, but if just one of these boys at school were allowed to have a gun, we would not have to make this article. No amount of Kung Fu, Karate, or Krav Maga will stop a gun to the face, let alone a semi-automatic sporting rifle. The fists can write, but they cannot penetrate the skull, spleen, or bones. Our children do not know proper firearm protocol, and we see the consequences. Libtards, before offering any prayers or thoughts of the sort, complain after every single mass shooting that certain members of the noble Republican party have received money from the NRA. Well of course they have. What’s wrong with that? Do you know how much money each Democrat congressman receives from lobbying efforts? That horrible argument from leftists promotes logical fallacies. It’s a feature, not a bug.

Our children need to learn how to shoot back, to save themselves and ourselves from having to write more articles about tragedies. They need to stop learning Algebra and start learning how to use a handgun, it’s a lot more practical. Algebra was invented by Godless Islamic heathens to pass time in the 600’s or whatever. A handgun was invented to protect your ass from someone trying to stab you. We are living in a world where virtual reality video games exist to warn us the dangers of abortion, so why do innocent kids and women die from these senseless violent thugs that have nothing better to do than express their Second Amendment rights in public?

Our children must learn that being an American means adequately defending yourself no matter the scenario, whether it’s a mass shooting at a postal office, at a movie theater, airports, YMCAs, zoos, so-called “gun free zones”, or a public school. Americans are aware to be alert and to be prepared, so it is necessary that our children learn to defend themselves from the inevitability of death by learning how to use a firearm for self-preservation from our public schools. It is the only sound solution for a horrific and awful tragedy that can be easily prevented by purchasing more guns to defend ourselves from the horrible people out there.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

The Obama Administration Continues To Promote Blasphemy In Our Public Schools

~ DonKaftan ~ 7 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

That damning lie created by hell child Charles Darwin has corrupted our ways of thinking in our God-fearing commie-fighting country. American children are subjected to liberal textbooks and “science classes” designed to promote polytheistic religions like Islam, the Deist dudes, and Catholicism. Quite frankly it is absolutely disgusting and abhorrent. The education system in the United States is a swamp filled with political correctness and proselytizing hedonism that promotes the immoral ways of reproduction. And worst of all, they educate the belief that there may be more than one God.

One of the worst classes our beloved children must attend in secondary school is “Biology”, where they do not learn germ theory, but gender theory. The theory that there are “an endless amount of genders” because evolution claims that we come from monkey clams fishing in the sea! Preposterous! Who could believe this leftist trash? What sort of hippie Gestapo cult lies within the Trump Administration? How can Betsy DeVos allow this kind of “knowledge” to be spread to children who don’t know how to speak formal coherent sentences? And don’t let me begin about what they teach about “sexual reproduction”.

Why must our children be subjected to Catholicism? My female off-spring, Annabelle, goes to our local public school and she told me, “Meep, Alfalfa, and the Holy Ghost”. I nearly had a heart attack. Why does my child know about this polytheistic chant from my public education school? It is a shame that our government cannot be perfect, but we cannot shame Betsy DeVos for inheriting this evil Islam education from the “Barack Hussein Obama” administration that poisoned our White House a decade ago. There is much cleaning and praying to do before our Protestant education system is purified again. Mike Pence needs to have a closer inspection to these schools that teach the damned evolution mythos as a fact. We KNOW Earth is six thousand years old, and our education system refuses to update their eighty-year-old textbooks that teach these Communist lies.

I must confess a family tragedy, Annabelle came back to public school Thursday evening and converted to Judaism. She converted because she noticed one of her so-called “friends” at lunch-hour eat a Jew food known as “Lox”. Annabelle had one bite of the “Lox”, and her religion that I worked so hard to spread the good Gospel of Jesus, just left me like that. I’m still disgusted to my core that my daughter is Jewish, and it’s not fair. I told her I will not drive her to their services because services to the Lord are reserved for Sundays, and she tells me that I can’t drive her to “Synagogue” because their “God” says they are not permitted to work on the day of rest and driving is seen as working. What sort of convoluted and bureaucratic faith is that? Why does this Judaism have that many strict and specific rules? What sort of God do these Jews pray to, Buddha? Abraham? Genghis Khan? They clearly need Jesus to simplify their views on life. With Jesus, it’s like one CAPTCHA away from being admitted into Heaven. The only password you need is God.

Yet my daughter prefers the “Lox” and “Saturday Services with acoustic guitars” over the good Lord and Sunday Bible stories. This would never have been possible if it weren’t for our corrupt Education system being swamped from the Hussein Obama education abomination creating these “Common Core” principles. What is “common” for “Obama” is abnormal, irregular, and absolute BLASPHEMY that has not been purged from our government system. But it does not remove my faith in our sacred country. America is still #1 in everything important about being a free American in the world.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including druids, excluding polytheists.

Happy Glorious Eternal Consumer Capitalism Extravaganza Fiesta!

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Deborah Schlasser

It is another glorious Sunday afternoon where we all indulge on the frankfurters, pigskins, and the almighty fashionable dollar. You read correctly, it’s “Superb Owl” day, where every American consumer has lined up their money for proper cushion rest, chips (WITHOUT SALSA, AN UNAMERICAN CONDIMENT), the pigskin, and most important, the advertising. Yes, folks, it’s a game of two very good NFL teams, the Philadelphia Whatevers and the eternal Tom Brady/Bill Bellichek football team by way of Massachusetts or some god-forsaken north-eastern state. Nevertheless, the almighty dollar rolls forward today and there’s nothing the no-good liberal-hating stock marketeers can do anything about it!

The NFL will reward consumers with entertainment, in exchange for a glorious percentage of gross revenue will come their way, without a single player acting out of line during the eternal everlasting National Anthem. This is the America our founding fathers envisioned, a land where we call peacefully watch a sixty-minute football game that determines who is the greatest football team of all time that year, while America’s national revenue jumps up remarkably. This is truly the greatest holiday right after Christmas, the 4th of July, and Black Friday. The “Superb Owl” day is one that has been etched into the American way ever since Ronald Reagan desired better ratings for his 1981 inauguration, which the “superb owl” game was previously known as the “NFL Championship game” without the advertising success its successor, the “Superb Owl”, would later achieve. Ronald Reagan came into office inventing a holiday to drive the American economy more than any Carter or Clinton presidency could achieve and on his first day in office!

So today, we honor our lost Founding Father, Ronald Reagan, by seeing which of two NFL teams is superior and which broadcast channel provider will reek in the prized allotted advertising revenue it gets to share with the NFL. It is a high and esteemed honor for the cable provider to give us this “Superb Owl” pigskin sport game for they continue a time-honored American tradition of sitting down on the sofa, drinking the beers, and eating as much food as you can eat provided from the Walmart or Vons grocery department that has an indispensable amount of chips and nacho cheese for America’s arteries to handle.

Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears. Deborah is a fan of winning and has a strong hatred of losing, hence why she is a devout conservative!