Month: June 2018

STUDY: There Are Over ONE BILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS In America

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Carlos Gutierrez

It’s a large open secret now that liberal media have been circulating a myth about a fictional federal agency called “ICE” that is rounding up and separating quasi-illegal children from their illegal parents that cannot afford to come into this country. Well, now there might be a reason to believe that an “ICE” agency should exist to protect our border from the illegals. A new Harvard study has been published after twenty-five years of research has horrifically concluded with a shocking realization: The United States of America harbors over one billion illegal immigrants.

The illegal immigrants are possibly everywhere, one billion is a rather large number. A number that can certainly be useful if a rich media conglomerate would ask to purchase and remove us from the Internet airwaves if they so desired. These illegal, too-lazy-to-file-paperwork immigrants are stockbrokers in Idaho, cow wranglers in Vermont and doctors in Arizona (where illegal immigration is twice as illegal than it is in any other state). The illegals are hellbent on not paying taxes, not properly learning how to speak English and taking the valuable jobs from legal Americans that did their patriotic duty to file paperwork on-time and correctly.

Why does America harbor so many illegal human beings? There are multiple factors, remember the people from Harvard are smart and know what due diligence means. For one, the illegals are capable of reproducing five babies a year. FIVE!!! There are unconfirmed reports that there are women that have up to eight babies a year, coming from an “Octomom”. These quasi-illegal children are known as the “Anchor Babies”, children that become American citizens for being born on our soil.

For purposes of the Harvard study, the Anchor Babies were tallied as illegals (as their parents rightfully are), and whether or not the Anchor Babies came with their parents or suitable Border Patrol guardian. Despite legal bodies, they have illegal, and possibly malicious tendencies to wreak havoc upon American society. With billions coming into the country, the more likely it is that these “illegals” will harbor communist ideology and threaten to destroy the United States of America. This is unacceptable.

The Anchor Babies, descending from their mothers with multiple wombs, have the ease of not being a lifetime burden. But these billions of illegals need to contribute to the economy or suffer the consequences. There are billions of these illegals and anchor babies that walk among us. They threaten our countries future in not having jobs and taking the jobs that legal Americans earned. If even one-fourth of these Anchor Babies have socialist sympathies, that can be a lost generation in due time.

One of the major factors brought up in the Harvard study was that of evil Big Government’s incompetence. Big Government has always been one of the few but biggest problems in American History, right after Taxes and the unfortunate War of Northern Aggression. The big Federal Government, until President Trump, has been enormous and an incredible burden on tax-paying legal Americans. The government takes and wastes tax dollars and leaves America with far too many problems than what they solve.

Big Government could not possibly be bothered to deal with illegal immigration, with credit to the Obama regime’s laissez-faire approach to citizenship. They are far too incompetent to think of an execute an idea like “ICE”, you can never trust the government to be perfect. If “ICE” were to exist, then how come America has over a billion illegal immigrants?

Harvard University also says that Big Government’s ordinary bureaucracy and incompetence goes top to bottom and that legal immigration paperwork is akin to taxes, being too difficult to comprehend to these wannabee American. Being the most successful country on planet Earth is something that desires these billions of illegal people to accomplish the American Dream. But one thing they must learn about America is the bureaucracy of filing paperwork. If they can’t write paperwork and turn it in on time, why should they become American citizens? It displays a lack of commitment, as bureaucratic as the government is, becoming a legal American citizen is not difficult. But they stay in America, waiting for the green light to become legal, but the truth is that it’s not that easy. No one in America gets a free pass, your Bernie Sanders bus crashed in 2016, you evil socialists!

There are other factors brought up in the Harvard study, and many of them involve advanced statistics that would make a liberal’s head explode. The illegal immigration epidemic is no longer an open secret, and President Trump must act now to solve this problem. Perhaps “Immigration Customs Enforcement” would be a great idea to round-up these illegal immigrants, but how can you ever trust the government to do their job?  Harvard University doesn’t even believe in them. Something must be done.

Carlos Gutierrez is the Bullshit News correspondent on Criminal Justice Issues and Immigration. He was born in Corpus Christi, Texas and is as American as you or anyone else that isn’t Muslim or Jewish. Devoted to his local Catholic Church, Carlos is an active member of his community and goes to church every Sunday, before the Cowboys game. Carlos worked on the 2016 Ted Cruz presidential campaign before coming to Bullshit News.

The United Nations: A Communist Child- Murdering Elitest Hellhole

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Sarah Napoli 

For far too long, the United States has been apart of the United Nations, an organization dedicated to giving America’s money and liberty away for “reparations redistributions”, legal mumbo-jumbo for American money and American liberty being sucked away for an inherently Marxist reason: redistributing the wealth. But what does the United Nations do with our American tax-dollars? Absolutely nothing, much like the tenets of communism. Recently, America was wasting its hard-earned freedom bucks on a so-called “Human Rights Council”, a money laundering front for terrorist countries. America withdrawing from a council of lesser civilized countries is a hard-earned victory to a real human rights-endorsed country that doesn’t murder children.

The United Nations is run by international globalists that despise America and want to see our children dead. They do not care for people like you or me, they want the world to be run by authoritarians that wear trench coats with cargo shorts, people who have no real grasp on humanity. They are the elites that want to police us and tell us what to do and how to think and feel. The elites want to usher in a 1984 world where I can’t put my kids in a charter school and give them tools to succeed. The United Nations wants to kill our children before they can learn the values of self-defense. If the UN can’t prioritize American interests above Europe or some other barely developed country, what good is it for?

The UN claims to want peace in our time, but have never made any moves showing that intention. The UN smuggles children from all across the globe and forces them to learn other languages and cultures that despise America. The values of multiculturalism are a commonly debunked myth, with only having the fringe benefits of providing “good food”. Listen, if your dinner doesn’t have meat slapped between bread and cheese with French American fries as a side-dish, it’s not real food. Ask any Italian and they will tell you. The UN, which values the corrupted liberal tenet of pacifism, does not benefit the United States from patrolling the world as God intended to. They are a farce.

Many terrorist countries occupy the United Nations, most of them with the intent to run on the “Human Rights Council”, which is anything but what it says. Many of those evil heartless and Muslim countries have been profiled, Syria, Iran, North Korea, and many of those other “Lebanon” countries. The United States had to have a role in order to keep these freedom-hating unGodly countries from inflicting their evil deeds on the world and poor old Israel. Most of the Human Rights Council’s work has been focusing on the destruction of Israel, the America Jr of the world. Never once did these countries that participate in this human rights scam council ever thank America for protecting them from becoming pure evil, Nazi-like and corrupt rather than the rudimentary sinister countries that bark up nuclear war every couple of months or so.

Most of the time spent on the “Human Rights Council” has been dedicated to the destruction of Israel and all that America stands for in that precious Middle East region. Many of Israel’s neighbors are terrorist countries that harbor Sharia law and missiles, but no nuclear weapons (yet). These countries don’t want a hot dog, they want your children to die for their prophet’s profit. The evil scourge of Godless Islamic Atheism is the ultimate threat to peace in our time. Israel does not conform to their heinous ideology purely on the basis that Israel is a country filled with Jews. Jews are, of course, not Godless (but should be), nor Islamic, and a majority are questionably Atheists and/or Satanists that want to defile America for a quick buck. Which makes the Jews either very American or very anti-American, the jury is still out.

Regardless of morality, the United States pulling out of the UN’s so-called “Human Rights Council” is a hallmark moment of our lifetime. The United States can now use proper force to truly police these unruly “Human Rights supporting countries” rather than doing the boring paperwork of slapping sanctions on a country that will never get the point, like Iran or Mozambique. We can focus on our own interests abroad and not worry about the needs of those that refuse democracy to be enabled in their country or the rule of law. Finally, America can move on in the world and focus our own dirty work, by demolishing these anti-American, communist and anti-God countries.

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans.

Audacious Liberals Have Launched A Movement To Ban Ice Cubes

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser

In what might be the most non-sequitur political argument ever crafted, the Democrat party has decided to launch a movement titled, “Abolish ICE” or in millennial speak, #AbolishICE. Liberals are desperate for any kind of political victory ever since their party collapsed in 2016 and lost the presidency. Why do Democrats want to abolish ice cubes? Well, it’s a pretty complicated reason that brings up every political cliché you can think of.

The Democratic Party follow many kinds of conspiracy theories, from the Global Warming/Al Gore hoax to the myth that guns kill people. Liberals care about the environment and keeping it precious and soft, while the land that God created was meant to have its mineral rights used by Americans to dominate the world, by Republican hands. The Ice Cube ban is a multi-pronged agenda that involves global warming, a common food product located in every freezer in America, and lies. Democrats believe that ice cubes can cure the global warming, and desire to privatize ice cubes so that they can “save the planet” and send the ice cubes up to the sun. I’m not here to talk more about Al Gore’s desire to destroy America with Powerpoint slides, as Bullshit News has already covered that (thank you to our in-house scientist, Dr. Steven Clements). The anti-free market liberals know that global warming isn’t real, so they decided to stretch their nonsense even more ridiculously.

Their latest trick is about a fictional federal agency called “ICE”, which stands for “Immigration Customs Enforcement”, three concepts about the government that obviously don’t exist. They believe that ICE is separating women from their children and that immigrants are not sub-human Godless Islamic heathens with deadly societal intentions that need to be questioned intensely. “ICE” allegedly deports illegal immigrants, people in mental asylums, and Canadians, but that all sounds impossible. These people come into our country without any sort of documentation or job skills can benefit our blue-collar American lives. They have no worth in American society, they are like the Irish of 100 years ago, THEY NEED NOT APPLY.

There is no such thing as “ICE”, the federal government may be big and formerly incompetent under the Obama regime, but the government doesn’t need some sort of police specifically for immigrants or refugees. Border Patrol does all of that work already, having this “ICE” would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. President Trump and any other like-minded Republican understand that wasting taxpayer dollars is a cardinal sin in politics.

The most reasonable solution for any immigrant/refugee or otherwise non-American mental asylum patient is to be given further scrutiny over Border Patrol agents and, if possible, continue to separate anchor baby children from their illegal parents. Both of my parents died when I was two, and I still turned out to be a highly successful broker turned venture capitalist and a multibillionaire. We have the American Dream, anyone can work hard and get to where I am today. The American Dream is what separates us from those evil sinister European countries and trade groups like NATO and the European Union that want to crush the almighty American dollar. We want these new(ish) quasi-illegal Americans to come into this country to be tough and strong like real Americans, and this separation must continue in order for this to happen.

I understand this new wacko-liberal conspiracy theory is tough to follow, so let me simplify things:

1. Liberals refuse to end their global warming/Al Gore myth. Continuing this myth makes it easier for them to fight a fake agenda because they cannot comprehend what politics is actually about.

2. Liberals believe in some police-state form arm of the government called “ICE” that detains and brutalize up and coming Americans that came here illegally and are held under their will because of possible communist/Islam intentions.

3. Liberals want to privatize or ban ice cubes as a way to “end global warming” by sending the ice cubes up into the sun to make it less hot.

4. Liberals believe that “ICE” would use ice cubes to waterboard otherwise illegal human beings within America. Oh, and they separate parents from their kids or something like that.

So the next time a bunch of teenaged liberals talks about “#abolishICE”, you can safely ignore their psycho pleas and desire to destroy the Trump Administration from the inside out. Just laugh at them and call them out on how ridiculous they sound. And besides, if the American government separates women from their children, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But liberals enjoy jumping to conclusions without using their small brains to think deeply about a situation for longer than a minute.

I never normally used ice cubes, but now I’m going to use them for all of my drinks. I encourage you all to do the same. The government should not take away our ice cubes and liberals can take my ice away just as soon as they try to pry my gun away with my bare hands.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”.

STUDY: Incidences Of Irregular School Activity Involving Firearms DROPS In The Summer And Liberals Don’t Know Why!

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esquire

Liberals are often outraged by a handful of moments over the past couple of years when unlawful perpetrators trespassed school property with a handgun while school was in session without a permit. These sorts of events are nothing new in America and liberals love to create media panics in order to control a narrative, especially when its an election year. But the professors at Stanford University recently concluded a study of these heartbreaking incidents and found out that during the summer, no so-called “school shootings” happen! That’s not an abnormally low percent, it’s 0%, nada.

Stanford sociologist professors George Rodriguez and John Waters were dumbfounded by the results. The initial hypothesis of their study looked for the frequency of “school shootings” and their causation with how often the Gunsmoke episode “Harriet” played on television, regardless of the hour. Now you might ask how a television series that has been canceled for over forty years may be relevant to children unable to defend themselves properly in schools, but these are professors from Stanford! They know what they’re doing, believe me, I’m a doctor. They look through any and every correlation they can find over national tragedies and pop culture. In their study, the drop begins precisely on June 17th or 18th depending on the year and ZERO incidences of a firearm discharge happen until August. There is a lot of details to unpack here for the future so liberals can stop crying that they lost a child or whatever.

The mainstream media and its liberal pawns will try to tell you that our second amendment rights are worth taking and justify those lies with the idea that guns cause these “school shootings”, but what about the parents? These children can’t buy guns, unfortunately. So the children have to learn by themselves rather than a proper lesson from mom and dad. Children are curious beings that want to learn more about the world, the cruel and cold world. It’s human instinct to be properly defended and know how to protect themselves, and the failure to properly teach children to defend themselves is a weakness in our country.

Liberals and their pea-sized brains can’t understand this study, but since it’s from Stanford they know it is the truth. Children don’t die every month in school from accidental discharge upon other children, and therefore there is no causation between guns and “school shootings”. The mainstream media loves to conjure up this myth so it’s no secret that they don’t want to report his groundbreaking study. The media needs to keep earning its money be defiling President Trump at every possible moment in order to defraud his public perception. But never let the mainstream media fool you that children go to school just to die someday, the children are in school to learn, and they certainly don’t need liberals involved in their public education to act on their independent behalf.

If we can’t teach our children the dangers of this wicked world, and how to properly defend themselves from danger with a gun, then what is the purpose of education to begin with? A professor can bore you to death for an entire lecture, but if a student in the class can’t save his colleagues against a maniacal Godless Islamic Terrorist, then why bother teaching anyone anything at all? America is a county about defending our own rights, and liberals can’t defend. You don’t need the amount of schooling like I did to know that defense wins championships wars. If we have another liberal president, I will fear for this country. But for now, I know my children can be safe during summer school, with a firearm just in case the inevitable happens.
Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

Coffee And Tea Are Not Good For You And Me

~ DonKaftan ~ 6 Comments

Written by Aaron Lau

The beverage industry is one of the most powerful forces in America, as well as the entire world. Sure, everyone “needs” water, but there exists alternative to water as well. But that doesn’t mean they’re good alternatives, there are mind-altering substances out there that rival America’s drinking industry. As everyone knows, the United States of America invented the soda and its two flavors: Coke and Pepsi. Other countries like Afghanistan and India, lack the great innovations America brings onto the world, and prefer their old forms of not-water beverages that are akin to drugs. The inventions, coffee, and tea, drug people to ideas that America is not a great country and delude these same people with liberal ideas and intentions.

Sadly in America, coffee and tea are all too ubiquitous in our civil society. That doesn’t mean they are bad, like cigarettes*. It means that too many Americans willingly indoctrinate themselves in liberal drug-beverages and thus susceptible to be part of the problem. The more Americans support the coffee or tea industry, the worse America suffers in our soda industry. There are alleged health benefits to coffee or tea, such as “mindfulness” or “spiritual reawakening” but these are just liberal buzzwords with no meaning and too much substance. They are rhetorical tools that cults use for people to keep funneling them money.  The coffee and tea industries seek to do just that, using their addictive beverage industries as a cult in order to make Americans challenge the status quo.

Of course, America has coffee and tea industries which are infamously liberal. Starbucks is a racist Jihadist coffee company that manages to innovate ways of offending everyone every year. Howard Schultz, the Islamic CEO of the Starbucks coffee brand, has decided to step down to form stage two of his plan to overthrow America: by running for president as a Democrat. If you’re a long time follower of Bullshit News, you have subscribed to the boycott of their Jihadist coffee framework and are aware of their opposition to Christmas as a holiday. And this same corrupt Democrat that drugs the majority of coffees in America that turns well-mannered Americans into radical democrats wants to lead our country in 2020.

Tea industries are rampant in America as well and do not have a strong single presence like Starbucks. But tea is just as awful and corruptible like coffee, just that it comes from Afghanistan and not India. They give different highs than coffee in a way that marijuana allegedly gives the user different highs. But all these “highs” lead the user into poor decision-making decisions, the tendency to vote Democrat, and holding the belief that America is not a strong, unified, and powerful country. Pass on tea, iced or otherwise, beer or soda is much more American and better for our big brains.

So my fellow Americans, abstain from coffee and tea, for they intend to poison your mind, question your surroundings, and vote Democrat. Howard Schultz will return in two years to give his “five-year plan” or whatever in his presidential campaign and us noble and good-hearted Americans cannot accept this man’s highly addictive liberal drugs. Aldous Huxley warned the world of dangerous men like Howard Schultz using drugs to tame the status quo for nefarious and illicit means in “Brave New World”. And to live in “Brave New World” is a vote for Howard Schultz, a Godless Islamic Democrat who wants to ruin America with his shitty mind-altering beverages.

Aaron Lau is the Bullshit News specialist in Social Media, Internet, and other On-Line media-culture related issues. He is married to his lovely wife, Cindy. He enjoys ultimate frisbee and certain technologies including video games but not the liberal propaganda-endorsed “fidget spinners” that are designed to spin Republicans to the left. He has an Associates’ in Information Systems from George Washington University and owns a Chow by the name of “Zappa”.

 

*Cigarettes can be good depending on how much money we will receive to change this sentence.

Bitcoin: The Currency Of Communism

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser

The internet has been such an incredible new tool for the entire American planet over the last eight years or so. However with such great technology, there come nefarious uses to utilize the “internet” or a “computer”, such as the malicious use of going to liberal news sites like CNN or any other website that isn’t Bullshit News. Unfortunately, the communists have infiltrated the Internet attempting to overthrow the United States government and its people. The communists, ironically, decided to create their own currency to rival the absolute and powerful American Dollar with Bitcoin.

What is a Bitcoin? I can only tell you what it is not. Bitcoin is not a tangible physical object that tells you its worth on paper or a real coin. A bitcoin only exists online as a number, and nothing but. No one knows who invented the elusive bitcoin, but the communists, libertarians, and slowly the liberals are all on the bitcoin hype train, taking it as a serious currency to rival the almighty Dollar. What we’re seeing here boys and girls is how fascism tries to overthrow a state. They don’t start by trying to initiate and spreading false promises about how bad the government is, they silently attempt to overthrow America with subtle actions. It doesn’t matter how bitcoin works, it matters on how it’s trying to destroy or defame America.

Communists have always sought the destruction of America and the deaths of all the women too. It is a disease on the world that is set out to take away the hardest working members of society: the rich. Without the rich, where will the wondrous innovations of capitalism come from? It won’t happen in Silicon Valley anymore if you take away the American Dollar. Communism knows that it can’t function 100% from the writings of Karl Marx from far too long ago. Communism needs aspects of capitalism for it to function, such as the revolutionary idea known as currency. The mysterious communist inventors of the bitcoin knew they could not make money in America, and decided to invent a clever ponzi scheme they can program and scam millions of Americans while indoctrinating those scammed into a belief that a socialist society could work, and even be feasible.

Whenever a communist explains how bitcoin works, they will bring up the term “blockchain”. Then, they will do it again and again until they hit you in the head with a hammer and sickle and take your money. There is no blockchain, it is merely a buzzword used by bitcoin advocates to persuade you to the idea that bitcoin has a reason to work. It doesn’t. Bitcoin is not real, it is merely a bunch of numbers decided by a handful of communists that deem your worthiness in society. Now tell me, is that liberty? Is that true economic freedom? It is a substitute, a failure to model and rival the powerful American Dollar and by extension, challenging American sovereignty at home and across the globe. Bitcoin might be one of the greatest evils against the United States since the beginning of the War on Terror.

Despite all of this, the American Dollar is still as powerful as it always has. Bitcoin might be just dust blowing in the wind, but it can also try to cripple the Trump Administration. Any communist invention needs to be intensely scrutinized to make sure they don’t seriously challenge American Democracy. There is a strong reason why the creators of bitcoin don’t reveal themselves, they will all be sent straight to prison if their true identities were revealed. So Bullshit News is offering a service: give us the identities of the bitcoin manufacturers and we will do the most just thing and forward that information to the FBI CIA or NSA so that we can live in a truly free world without the threat of communism spreading ever again.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”.