MISSION STATEMENT: Liberals And Their Liberal Friends Are Destroying America And We Need Your Help To Overthrow Their God

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief

 

America is potentially facing a crisis too difficult to overcome and we need your help.

If I can tell you one thing about this country, just one thing: we are the sum of our parts. The civil war taught us that, and that black people can be people too if they try really hard enough. This country is currently without a doubt at the height of total political polarization since FDR inflated the economy to cure polio for himself. But unlike the “wonder years” of the New Deal era, the executive branch right now is at its apex of megalomania. As a conservative news outlet, we are morally conflicted on how to perceive the one, Donald J. Trump. Ethically, we are way out the window. We don’t need ethics to make good journalism, we just need empirical facts in good news to more places than just talk radio and daytime television, but places like the World Wide Web. More people go on the internet for news then the ol’ timely American tradition of going to the radio, or waking up in the morning and begrudgingly making a cup of coffee to then sit down on a recliner and groan audibly before work. We conservatives must evolve our mediums in order to grow a more perfect union.

That’s where the “your” comes in from the headline, YOU(R), the average butt-scratching American, need to read US so that accurate, fact-checked information can be spread more quickly to the public. We need YOU(R) eyes, and your hearts. Be with us, and not them.

The Mainstream (read: liberal) Media is a threat to our free-flowing information outlet that we Americans love to call liberty. Outlets like CNN, NPR, and Breitbart News are owned by large media conglomerates. They claim to present news to cater to the audience of the common man, but they lie. They are the true fake news. I’m here to assure you that Bullshit News’ Mission, as the Founder and First Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News, is that we will not be owned by these mammoth mainstream media corporations*, and that we will provide you the news that YOU, the average middle-class American, deserve to read. We will not have any blockage or clutter to give you the news before the corporations and their stockholders meddle with it and correct it from their perspective.

We don’t tolerate that Bullshit.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA.

*Until we receive a check with an extraordinary amount of zeroes, preferably before the “.”

If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

President Trump Seeks Peace With The Blacks

Written by Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq 

There is no secret America has dealt with slavery in the past. It’s part of our history much like jazzball and the invention of firearms. Recently the Black Lives Matter movement, an anti-capitalist liberal militia located in an abandoned McDonalds in South Detroit, have decided to spread their gospel of hatred to folks across the country. Their motives are unknown, but we can’t assume it to be positive. These people have desecrated the American sacred covenant of capitalism, an act of war not that different from Japan bombing Pearl Harbor. With such animosity against the American people, President Trump has decided to finally intervene and create an amicable solution.

For those unaware of who the Black Lives Matter movement, “The Blacks” are a heavily armed militia of people whose goal is to achieve “liberation” against America for their alleged crimes against humanity. The BLM is also known for their extremely radical views supporting multiculturalism and the environment by means of “dialogue”. They claim that the dialogue is peaceful, but now they are ushering in more complaints, specifically against the finest institution America has set up, our police officers. The Black Lives Matter people are against the police, who only act to protect and to serve, and to some extent also prevent crime from happening.

The invention of the police is one of America’s greatest successes. Before the police existed, crime was rampant everywhere across every country that has ever existed in history. Peasants were literally allowed to steal from their kings and get away with it. There was no concept of “security” before 1776, which is scary to think about today. It was not until George Washington invented the “Minutemen” that a sense of protection was created to defend the Thirteen Colonies. One of these first minutemen, a man named Mike Watt and another man lost in history known only as “D Boon” were the first Americans to fight back the British and eventually secure our Independence. All of this would not happen without the police.

So now let’s go back to the present day, where the Coronavirus hoax continues to spread and Joe Biden has outed himself as the Anti-Christ hellbent on destroying America if he were to be elected President in November. President Trump knows he has a serious election to re-win, and the Blacks are an important voting bloc to advocate for. He knows the Black Lives Matter militia has been a pain to work with, but has decided to be amicable to them. Trump later detailed in a press conference,

I don’t know what you people want. I solved racism. I would have ended apartheid if I was president in 1989, but I wasn’t. What more do you people want? If you want a strong president to care about your people, I am here for you. I am here to hear for you. Trust me, believe me, Barack Obama was the worst president ever when it came to you Blacks. He lied to you like he lied to the country about 7/11. He was a traitor to our constitution and to our civil liberties. If you vote for Biden, you will vote for eternal repression and sadness. But if you vote for good ol’ me, I will give you more liberty and employment then you can possibly imagine. Do you like that, Al Sharpton?

However the Black Lives Matter militia response to President Trump’s demands remain unknown, yet hallow. All I can tell you as an expert is that President Trump has been endorsed by the Black Panthers when it comes to extraordinary success to the African American community at large. President Trump has helped African Americans receive jobs that produce a great amount of capital for the economy. Trump even has African American friends, “The Hombres”, as he likes to call them.

Hopefully a peace between our American peoples can be achieved sooner rather than later. It is unfortunate that we must be in arms against each other and not towards the Democratic Party establishment for creating unfair laws to generate massive inequality. If the BLM can listen to Trump’s pleas for peace rather than block highways and be feisty, perhaps we can all live in harmony instead of dissonant dissidence.

 

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Is Q and his ‘QAnon’ The Second Coming Of Jesus Christ?

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

For those of you searching the Internets for your latest “Grubhub”, you might have come across a group of passionately devoted followers of Jesus Christ who call themselves the “QAnon(s)”. The QAnon group of devoted evangelicals is, to put it simply, a large group of patriots extremely devoted to President Trump and his teachings, as well as good ol’ Jesus. They call themselves QAnon in order to hide their identities from oppressive liberals that would hunt them down and convert them to the Nancy Pelosi ideology of pure evil and callousness under The Deep State. The Q’s as they like to be called, are some of the most vigorous and toughest allies of the Trump Administration in their war against the evil atheist immorberal ideology, but there is always more than meets the eye when it comes to QAnon.

The leader of the QAnon militia to plowshares movement is a man only known by the alias, “Q”. Q has strong parallels to Jesus Christ. Both are presumed to be in their early 30’s, both invoke the wrath of God if nothing correct comes their way, and we know nothing else about them. From the outside, it would be easy to deem Q and his anon followers of Jesus to be a ‘hoax’ when this is far from the case. QAnon is very much a real and important lobby of Republican voters who will go to bat against the evil Democrat Deep State Party and their desire to end America as we know it. These followers rally with slogans such as “Where We Go One We Go All” (whatever the hell that means),  “The Storm” a hopeful event where the Deep State is overthrown in a tidal storm, and “The Great Awakening” which refers to President Trump’s inevitable reelection.

While the QAnon movement is full of people who will be our future politicians and civic leaders, Q only seems to talk in cryptic riddles to hide their identity, only posting to an imageboard-like website of what appears to be a Xanga. We’ve requested interviews with Q, to no response. It’s unfortunate we can’t hear the beautiful James Baldwin-esque prose of these young Republicans. It is therefore safe to assume that “Q” is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Never in my 106 (approaching 107 this month) years of living on God’s green Earth have I ever encountered such poetry that has touched my soul since Casey At The Bat. His words have galvanized a new base within the Republican Party full of brave men and women whose only politics consist of truthiness.

The main antagonist to Q and his “anons” are the very real threat that is The Deep State. The Deep State is a long-running hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department that engage in elaborate tactics the common American is unaware about. These tactics mostly include general Democratic Party racketeering and as QAnon followers allege, is the center of a massive pedophile ring across the United States. Since the Deep State works in secrecy it is hard to validate the veracity, unless you believe and worship Jesus Christ 2.0, Q. Q admits he is a member of “The Deep State” and that he must communicate his messages anonymously onto the Internet in order for people to be aware that the Deep State exists and is actively harmful to us all. Does this all remind you of a heavenly figure named Jesus Christ? The parallels don’t stop there.

Jesus Christ was also involved in a hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department within the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ claimed WAS the Second Coming of the Messiah to the Jewish People.  Jesus Christ was operating under the Catholic Empire, the Deep State of its era. Jesus had to spread his messages in hiding or be subject to Judeo-Roman tyranny. Not to mention the pedophile ring that occurred in the Roman Empire. Yes, these stories are too odd to be so coincidental So similar in fact the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy cannot even apply. Q, much more likely than it can be unlikely, is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ that we were told about in The Bible. If this were not the case, Q would not be able to spread his Xanga iambic pentameter prose on the Internet. And without Jesus, Q could not possibly exist. They are symbiotic, which means there is danger at our door.

We must devote all our resources into finding and dissolving this Deep State, for Q’s sake. President Trump was elected to solve tough problems, and the Deep State is a significantly deep problem that must be stopped to save our State. No longer should we tolerate shadowy government figures that hide in bureaucracy in heavily windowed buildings, for they are the operatives of the Democratic Party and possible Catholics. These Deep State figures not only tried to revive Jeffery Epstein but were definitely collaborators of OBAMAGATE. President Trump cannot do this alone, we must expose the Deep State by worshiping Jesus Christ every Sunday!! WE DO THIS FOR GOD!!!!

 
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Propaganda And You: How To Become A More Informed And Productive Citizen

Written By Aaron Lau

It is a great shame these days that the word ‘propaganda’ is being thrown around like a slur. These liberals that shame propaganda like Antifa leader Ihan Omar have shamed aspects of American history as “propaganda”. Her absolutely flawed criticism included saying that War of Northern Aggression was fought over slavery and not for the right of being wrong, that America has mistreated Native Americans and accused President Donald J. Trump of being a criminal. We might call her lies as obvious anti-American “propaganda”; while not wrong, does great disservice to the glorious purpose of what we really should call PSA: Personal Society Alerts.

What is the difference between a Personal Society Alert and a “propaganda”? It’s simple, if it sounds more like an alert or a call to arms and it affects you directly, it’s a PSA. If the message you receive is something along the lines of “America is a police state that commits horrific police brutality in seemingly every metropolitan and rural area of the country where African Americans and other people of color live”, then it’s dirty propaganda lies. It’s no secret that America has conducted what others would call its actions “propaganda” over the years, but have any of those rumors and deceit ever actually happen to you? I’m sure the police aren’t perfect and mess up every once in a while, or even accidentally inflict unintentional unpremeditated undesirable manslaughter onto maybe one or three people, but claiming its a societal problem is what makes it totally “propaganda”.

America has made PSAs in the past, specifically around World War II, the war for eternal democracy. America needed to galvanize the youth, and with the advent of the talking picture, the timing could not have been more perfect. It affected peoples lives directly, and the war is certainly an alert and a call to arms. Another great instance of America using the PSAs is to recruit intelligent young people to join the Military. There is nothing else in life that can make you more productive and ready to combat all your problems in life by joining whichever military branch best fits your personality. The PSA advertisements the government produces for television and the Internet are great at appealing to all different types of people who may otherwise be uncoordinated or too much of a hooligan to make their lives straight. Without these PSA advertisements, we would have much more crime and all kinds of violence in our society.

However, America is always hit by propaganda (the real stuff) from other countries, and at times inside our borders. Many of these pernicious countries accuse America of War Crimes, violating the Geneva Convention, and being full of obese people among many other urban legends and unverified claims. The Democratic Party loves to discourage the American patriotism and the core value of liberty by slandering President Trump and refusing to support making America greater again then it once previously was (under Republican leadership). It is a shame that Pelosi and her ‘squad’ of uncivilized folk refuse to compromise and reach common sense bipartisan solutions that can address many problems people may rightly have with America, if they are valid.  But until a PSA can actually address these Democratic Party leaders, then the only thing we can all truly agree on is cutting our taxes.

America is fine, and you need to stop worrying about it.

Aaron Lau is the Bullshit News specialist in Social Media, Internet, and other On-Line media-culture related issues. He is married to his lovely wife, Cindy and has one manly daughter baby named Deborah. He enjoys ultimate frisbee and certain technologies including video games but not the liberal propaganda-endorsed “fidget spinners” that are designed to spin Republicans to the left. He has an Associates’ in Information Systems from George Washington University.

 

Reinstate MK ULTRA

Written by Alexander Jones

Not too long after America kicked the entire world’s ass in World War II, top minds from across the country joined together in order to think of creative ways for America to retain its World Championship Belt before silly things like the Geneva Convention and the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty would get in the way of societal progress. But one of the biggest social experiments also resulted in the birth of many kinds of innovation throughout our scientific field and the depths of controlling the human mind for use to end communism once and for all. This research that was used to combat the evils of our world was called MK ULTRA, and we need it now more than ever.

The scope of MK ULTRA was simple, find a way, any way, to convince people of the light that is Christianity American capitalism, the world’s dominant social paradigm only rivaled by those brutally evil Socialist Communists from the USSR. America had many wars to win, such as the drug war, the space race, the race war, and the Space Drug Battle Race War Of 1979. In every front on planet Earth, America was being attacked by the brutal USSR regime and their globalist friends such as the pro-child murder United Nations and their ex-boyfriend League of Nations. Project MK Ultra was set-up to be counter-intelligence against all the threats to America according to then head of the CIA Allen Dulles. In order to examine the psyche of the enemy, America needed to understand what it’s like being a communist, and how to coerce them from themselves and their evil ideology by any means necessary, leading to the birth of MK ULTRA.

Aside from trying to create and use mind control against anti-capitalist sympathizers, the top secret program was also trying to answer questions that past civilizations could not solve, like finding the qualitative information about just how effective enhanced interrogation techniques could be, an understanding as to how homosexuality can exists when homosexuals do not procreate for the purpose of fertility, some boring stuff about physics, and even how to defeat the evil drugs in the drug war. All of these studies are massively useful in understanding how the world around us works. Without MK Ultra, we might not have won the Vietnam War.

MK Ultra sadly was not without worthless liberal controversy. The communist sympathizing Democrat Party made information about MK Ultra public due to its perceived “anti-constitutional nature” and violations against the 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments. But such “evidence” against these violations of civil rights are only anecdotal, which means it is meaningless conjecture. If anyone was truly harmed over these studies, people would be much more aware then they are currently, and they are not. MK Ultra was a series of top secret experiments meant to strengthen the American nation and family at home. In fact, one can argue that participating in MK Ultra meant you were a devoted patriot willing to do whatever it takes for America to have an edge over all the other worthless and benign countries on the planet that might try to overthrow us one day when we’re not looking, like Albania or the Dominican Republic. As the Boy Scouts CEO Jeffery Epstein once said, “It is better to be informed and prepared rather than be naked and unarmed in conflict with the enemy”.

National Defense and the funding to outside private corporate mercenary friends like Academi/Blackwater or Lockheed Martin are some of the biggest defenders of our liberty and freedom, protecting our Democracy from fascism. These companies, with help from the trustworthy Central Intelligence Agency, can easily restart the research on MK Ultra projects, and with the latest technology getting better and better, it is only a matter of time until we can have successful mind control experiments to defeat Godless Barbaric Terrorism and convince the world that capitalism is a much smarter idea than socialism.

People need to learn how to trust their government, and that they will always be defended against the forces of evil. If government wanted to conduct scientific experiments unethically and vaguely not totally illegal towards its people, then it would be done for a just cause. Every American citizen has a mortal duty to defend and help our country against the various wars that threaten its existence. We should not be worried about pedantic moral guardians telling us what to do and how to think. Once Project MK Ultra is back into swing, we should feel more secure then ever knowing the government has its best interests in its people, their privacy, and their security.

Alexander Jones is a fierce investigative journalist dedicating to finding the real truth blurred by the mainstream globalist media. Alexander Jones is a strong advocate for libertarianism, liberty, and raw rib eye steak. In his spare time away from journalism, Alexander enjoys hunting and keyboard/synthesizer music. An animal advocate throughout his life, he currently owns five hunting dogs, two purebred horses, and two cats. Although he is an advocate for the survival of the fittest Darwinism, he is a Pentecostal Christian who always–ALWAYS spends time with Jesus and The Lord on Sundays. 

President Trump Condemns Barack Hussein Obama For Committing OBAMAGATE

Written By Sarah Napoli

The Barack Obama regime created horrifying conditions to the US economy that urged one of the greatest public television figures of the 20th century to run for office. That man, Donald Trump as we are all aware, had to fix a broken world that a broken, disturbed man created for him. The Obama Regime left the country in shambles, and his liberation of the QUEERS has created a movement of underground leftist militias that seek to “politically correct” any rational-thinking and bible loving Republican that threatens to speak out publicly against the leftist cabal and their social medias. President Trump decided to put an end to this stigma with his words, much like how he ended racism and the infamous Coronavirus. Trump was forced to do what no President had ever done once again by having to publicly condemn his predecessor, Barack Hussein Obama.

To the benefit of the Mainstream Media, President Trump courteously gave a public address in lieu of a celebratory parade to celebrate his tremendous accomplishments in solving the biggest issues of our time within his first term in office. It was during the middle of a diatribe against the ramifications of the United Nations controversial “Pro-Child Murder That Isn’t Strictly Abortion” policy that President Trump finally had to publicly condemn his antagonistic predecessor for committing, “The Biggest Crime In American History”. Aside from Obama Regime’s obvious on-record poor levels of liberty development and the inability to make a strong stance against terrorism, President Trump said that he received strong anecdotal and sacerdotal evidence that Obama has created an “OBAMAGATE” in order to create an info war against President Trump as an attempt to let the recently independent nation of Great Britain to overthrow our Democracy in order to benefit his personal bank account.

Being asked to clarify his comments, President Trump said that the Obama regime has organized this effort since before Trump took office.  President Trump also added that the crime was “very obvious, very dubbyaus [dubious?]” and that more will come out within the next couple weeks. Since this is obviously a counter-intelligence matter of significant detail being vigorously checked by the brave men and men of the CIA and NSA, we cannot talk any more about this “OBAMAGATE”. What we already know is damning, but what we don’t know, or of any unknown knowns, will be guaranteed to be worse then we think. And if it’s worse than what we think, and it’s not even what we think what we are thinking about is the worst, then it’s going to be horrific. That’s a level of treason hard to think about, which is why Leftists and liberals can’t understand basic realpolitik unlike Trump and his Kushner friend.

We can detail all of the problems created and intensely exacerbated by the Obama regime, but then it would stall our already complicated publication schedule. The OBAMAGATE, as it is publicly known, is already damning evidence given its massive popularity and outspread reach across the entire Internet. Given that the Obama regime left us with a long list of problems and illegal acts, it would make sense that many extra crimes, significant infractions and other violations of the Hatch Act could bury even more bigger and blatant acts of corruption that Barack Obama and his cronies committed in the dark. Now that President Trump appears to be given a green light to further detail these allegations within the near future, we should brace for the worst but also to be redeemed and grateful that a wunderkind businessman turned President is here to guide us from the shepherd we shall not want.

 

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) And Gossip Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans. 

Joe Biden Is The Anti-Christ

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

It is no secret that our wondrous, first place country THE United States of America, has been going through some “turbulence” so to speak. Some folks are out here proclaiming America is going through a bout of fictional highly infectious diseases and also has to deal with a largely astroturfed opposition against our faithful President Trump and his desire to Make America Great Again. The Democrats behind their crazy frantic leader Nancy Pelosi have made Joe Biden their nominee for the elections in November. But who is this Joe Biden, and how come this average dumbfounded American was chosen to run against Donald Trump? I have a very simple answer for you all my friends.

Joe Biden was formerly a Senator for the state of Delaware: an area of the US that only exists for almanac aficionados. To enter Delaware, you need to put your hand on this book called the “Necronomicon”, a wretched literature detailing dark alchemy and an introduction to satanic rituals. Delaware is also known for being a pro-tax state, having many companies call Delaware their home for tax-specific purposes in order to prove that Delaware really exists. Joe Biden founded the state of Delaware as a means to avoid paying taxes, only to end up being involved in a major scheme helped out by Enron, America’s (formerly) only liberal gas and oil company. Rather than facing a stern punishment of life in prison or even capital punishment over attempting to create a tax haven in the United States, Joe Biden went an unconventional route, he ran for office and won his “election” that no one seriously thought to look deeply into. As a result, Joe Biden was a Senator for 36 years instead of accepting his capital punishment and/or facing life in prison.

But that is far from the most deeply shameful thing about satanic Senator Joe Biden. His “accomplishments” have made him the Vice President of the dismal 8 year Barack Obama regime of destruction and apologies. Biden was complicit in crashing the economy once in 2008 and is rumored to have a role with the Bernie Sanders campaign over creating the Coronavirus, which of course doesn’t actually exist but yet somehow does in spite of facts, physics or prayer. In these 8 years of trying to destroy America from the inside out, Biden found a new form of spiritual reawakening, only instead of being correct as a newborn Christian, he went to hell to deal with Satan instead like a career politician.

In hell, Biden met Satan while Biden was undergoing satanic brain surgery to fix what was broken inside of him (his spirit and according to rumors, his “mojo”). Satan told Biden that he would easily be the next President of America because of his charisma and “go-getter” attitude could stop the unstoppable Trump. Then they held a ritual which caused a volcano in Iceland to erupt and prevent me from going to my flight to Ireland for almost two weeks. That volcano was a sign of things worse to come.

So now that we’ve established that Joe Biden is a product of Satan, we need to explain his rise to becoming an Anti-Christ Superstar. He worked to destroy some of the finer aspects of our American Economy such as bailing off our automobile companies, advocated for institutional evolution courses to convince children that God isn’t real, planted condoms in kindergarten classes to encourage nearly infantile Democratic Party members to breed “early and often”, and has fake teeth (another sign from the Bible about the Anti-Christ). Biden has done nothing in his life to prove he has trustworthiness, but won his votes in “Delaware” for 30 years by running unopposed, with each person that ran against Biden disappeared under mysterious circumstances, perhaps relating to Biden’s role with the Clinton Foundation. He has never proven once in his 36+ years of politics that he is an intellectually capable and moral enough to be purely human. He had help from Satan to become a one-winged angel. 

Joe Biden isn’t some harmless old man that wants to become the next President of America, he is a dangerous fanatical ideologue who reads the Kabbalah and the Necronomicon to poor children in order to convert them to the Democratic Party, corroding their hearts and poisoning their minds. Biden is a man deeply routed in the hated of our country, a charismatic man whose smile smites an entire cul-de-sac. He is the Democratic Party’s best shot at defeating Trump, and he wants to overthrow your Democracy. Do not let him destroy America in November, pray for him instead.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.