MISSION STATEMENT: Liberals And Their Liberal Friends Are Destroying America And We Need Your Help To Overthrow Their God

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief

 

America is potentially facing a crisis too difficult to overcome and we need your help.

If I can tell you one thing about this country, just one thing: we are the sum of our parts. The civil war taught us that, and that black people can be people too if they try really hard enough. This country is currently without a doubt at the height of total political polarization since FDR inflated the economy to cure polio for himself. But unlike the “wonder years” of the New Deal era, the executive branch right now is at its apex of megalomania. As a conservative news outlet, we are morally conflicted on how to perceive the one, Donald J. Trump. Ethically, we are way out the window. We don’t need ethics to make good journalism, we just need empirical facts in good news to more places than just talk radio and daytime television, but places like the World Wide Web. More people go on the internet for news then the ol’ timely American tradition of going to the radio, or waking up in the morning and begrudgingly making a cup of coffee to then sit down on a recliner and groan audibly before work. We conservatives must evolve our mediums in order to grow a more perfect union.

That’s where the “your” comes in from the headline, YOU(R), the average butt-scratching American, need to read US so that accurate, fact-checked information can be spread more quickly to the public. We need YOU(R) eyes, and your hearts. Be with us, and not them.

The Mainstream (read: liberal) Media is a threat to our free-flowing information outlet that we Americans love to call liberty. Outlets like CNN, NPR, and Breitbart News are owned by large media conglomerates. They claim to present news to cater to the audience of the common man, but they lie. They are the true fake news. I’m here to assure you that Bullshit News’ Mission, as the Founder and First Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News, is that we will not be owned by these mammoth mainstream media corporations*, and that we will provide you the news that YOU, the average middle-class American, deserve to read. We will not have any blockage or clutter to give you the news before the corporations and their stockholders meddle with it and correct it from their perspective.

We don’t tolerate that Bullshit.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA.

*Until we receive a check with an extraordinary amount of zeroes, preferably before the “.”

God Needs More Money

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Hello, faithful and loyal readers of the Bullshit News, it is I, your honorable pastor, John Mathewson. I only wish to communicate with you, the noble Republican reader directly, because the issue that is at hand is beyond compelling through comprehension on what is happening in the world we desire and pray for on a Sunday to Sunday basis.

I have just received a vision from God, and it turns out our holy deity that despises the Islamic religion and the other one with the “yamulkes”, have really hit dire straits. Believe me, believe God, believe in Best Buddy Jesus Christ because Heaven is attempting to construct an all-new Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network to help all of us Christian humans have better communications for this multi-billion dollar corporation in the sky.

For you see, a great and all-powerful man named God runs and operates this multi-billion corporation called Heaven, and the upkeep for Heaven’s costs are astronomically high. If you were to keep taxing God like this, the banks would run and control heaven while forcing God to foreclose and bankrupt his for-prophet organization. But if you are dumb you must be asking yourself one question, “What is a bank?”

If you really are this dumb, I can assist. Banks are places where there are tons of money stored. The money just sits there, doing absolutely nothing, untouched by government or man, but just by the bank itself. This is the money God needs to start constructing a modern and enhanced Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network in Heaven, as well as helping a nephew of a family friend of ours in church, Erik Prince operate Academi, a peacekeeping Christian diplomatic organization that helps the Godless Islamic Barbarians in the Middle East on understanding The Bible.

Giving your money directly to God is quite a difficult thing to do, which is why pastors, priests, and all the others are exchequers of God. Each and every one of us have proper rules regarding finances and avoiding usury from corrupting our souls. But I must bring up the banks again in our conversation, they are also closed on Sundays, which is ridiculous. All of that money in all of those vacant-on-Sundays lots would be better suited in the House of the Lord!

Does anyone know how expensive it is to install a perfectly functional Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network up in Heaven while also quality-assuring and sound-checking the infrastructure once it’s all set up so that God can help process in more lost souls into Heaven while upgrading the media operations for better audio and visual clarity to better boost performance? How else could banks help this out without giving their money on over to us? The thought process is absurd and depressing. We are making God’s work in vain by not helping him out. Thoughts and prayers will not help us here, only financing.

That is why I ask you, faithful and pure Bullshit News viewers and endorsers, who are already not financing Bullshit News, to finance Bullshit News eventually but not right this moment. God’s work is much more important and requires much more precision and accuracy. We all think of God in dark times, and truth be told friends, God thinks he is in hard times due to a large amount of financing left to be told to start the initial process of Heaven’s Telecommunication and Multimedia Broadcast Network system. Please, don’t think of us (just yet), think of God, and how he helps you. And his son Jesus who did his thing and yadda yadda yadda you all understand and hear it every day just like me.

Help them, help me, but most importantly help God, who was/is them. God needs more money, contact your local pastor or priest or otherwise Christian Messenger for more explicit inquiry on how you can help God today, and tomorrow.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Israelites, excluding Agnostics. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

RUMOR: President Trump To Issue Executive Order To Turn Grand Canyon Into Multiple Golf Courses And Five-Star Resorts

Written by Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

Citing internal sources within the White House, President Trump has declared he is tired of the eyesore that is the Grand Canyon (located somewhere in Arizona) and would desire one of America’s formerly great national parks would be better suited for golfers rather than “the mole people” that live in the region along with the “amount of Natives waiting to make a profit off their land.” These comments were leaked to the media by the far-left Mainstream Media operatives known as the “Daily Caller”.

President Trump held a rally nearby the Grand Canyon in Flagstaff, AZ where he further elaborated his comments to high praise, “Have you seen the Grand Canyon? It’s such an eyesore, there’s nothing to do. It’s not like Lake Tahoe with their geysers and those deer with antlers that roam around freely on to traffic then BAM! Lots of blood, blood was everywhere in fact. So gruesome yet thrilling. Much better looking than Janet Reno.”

The Grand Canyon is a national landmark that is 277-mile long canyon and 18 miles wide which, like Canada, is a barren wasteland that has no natural resources to squander for. President Trump is correct in his assertions, as there is nothing useful about the land the Grand Canyon currently occupies, it could be improved by adding in a five-star hotel, a couple of resorts, 3-5 golf courses, maybe a mini-golf resort and movie theater for the kids, and perhaps a few Bed and Breakfasts for the impoverished travelers. All of these ideas won’t cover the entire Grand Canyon, but it’s a fresh start to what’s already not there. Arizona can certainly use the money to fund the border and by executing this gameplan, they can make money back on it too.

Many Democrats and African-American Supremacists have opposed this plan, calling it “unnatural” to make capitalism happen in one of the most boring places on Earth, let alone in the United States of America. Enron and Shell cannot do anything in the region for there is no oil to extract, and the coal industry in America is not strong enough in Arizona to justify more coal plants in the region. The next best thing is to make the area as luxurious as possible, for the Grand Canyon now is just a waste of real estate that would be in better hands of the Trump Administration and not some burrower humans.

It’s high time for Arizona to step up their GDP and prove to be a state that cares for Americans and doesn’t get sucked up by the liberal left coast corruption that is Washington, Oregon, and California. If Trump has considered selling Alaska to cut off the national debt, then major Grand Canyon modifications are also strongly possible. Aside from being a border state meant to protect us from them, Arizona can improve in many ways and cutting their losses with the so-called “Grand Canyon” would be the best way to start helping Make America Great Again. Let us commend President Trump for his bold, brave and modestly unconventional ventures to improve our country and make us dominant in the world’s affairs once again.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Old Town Road And The Death Of The American Dream From Liberal Fascism

Written By Roger Goodmen

For the last twelve weeks, America has faced a strong cultural challenge to one of its many beloved artistic movements, country music. The song “Old Town Road” by one “Lil Nas X” (our research could not determine what “Lil” “Nas” or the usage of the letter “X” all meant”) has been at the top of the “hip hop” charts, while also claiming to be a country song about horses, when it’s clearly a song about an old road with no maintained infrastructure due to government meddling. Normally we don’t cover the pernicious medium of rock and roll music on Bullshit News, but when a liberal fascist song like “Old Town Road” becomes enormously popular out of the blue, something is totally wrong.

To truly understand “Old Town Road” we need to view the song from a macroeconomics perspective. While Old Town Road claims to be a Country song, it is listed by the Billboard company as a “hip-hop trap” song. “Hip Hop” was created in the late 1970s by black anarchist radicals known as the “Sugarhill Gang”. The Sugarhill Gang were counterculture, meaning they teamed up with the nefariously evil drug-pushers more commonly known as the “Grateful Dead”, the term originating from the “band members” supporting drug overdoses with a graceful aesthetic, beautifying the War on Drugs and not treating it seriously as the health epidemic it really is. A known hip-hop artist is the popular millennial entertainer Kendrick Lamar, whom we had an interview with about his (unpopular for his community) decision to support Donald Trump in the 2016 election.

Then, of course, leads us to what the “trap” in “hip hop trap” music is. “Trap” music is a relatively recent phenomenon that refers to music to trap children into becoming lifetime welfare liberals that never leave their parents home for miscellaneous nonsensical reasons including “I can’t afford a home because the rent is too high” to “My persistent belief in Al Gore is preventing me from going to work today”. Trap music is not about instrumentation at all, it is merely the hip hop community’s response to Trump much like how “Punk music” was a response to the evils of communism and the fall of the USSR. Liberals love “trap music” because it is one of the few fields in life that the left has any form of propaganda or mind control in order to obtain voters, with trap music being the newest iteration in a long history of proselytizing young Republicans into opposing the establishment.

So “Old Town Road” is popular because of its “Hip Hop Trap” genre that blends into country, the second most Christian musical genre after the holy gospel but one of the most American of all music genres. One big question remains, why did the inventor of this song, the one “Lil Nas X”, create this song, and who in the DNC funded this man? Lil Nas X cannot possibly be considered his real name, but he is not referred to by anyone else. Since he is an artist, he cannot possibly be making millions or even thousands of dollars, and yet his song remains #1 on the charts for over 3 months, a feat that has only been done once previously by that English band from the ’60s named after a Volkswagon Car that also popularized anti-American sentiment. With Lil Nas X only being 19 years old, he cannot possibly have achieved this much success alone with a short song with country-influenced “hip hop”. No, I’m not suggesting there is a conspiracy at play here, for we know the music industry hates conservatism and religious liberty, but that the Democratic Party is actively supporting rebellion against the status quo and encouraging their naive fanbase that Lil Nas X is their next God and soon-to-be President.

The American Dream has long been a reason for why many Americans continue to persevere with intense motivation to fulfill their lifelong dreams.  Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” is a disgusting satire, an insult to farmers, country music fans, and the hard-working poor and middle-class Americans that struggle to get by because of Nancy Pelosi and her evil “San Francisco counterculture” politics. The continued popularity of his song is a threat to America’s stability as a world power and to the country music industry in Nashville as a whole. If they let Lil Nas X into the Grand Ole Opry, the entire country, and maybe even the Trump Administration, will be at stake. The Democrats want to shake up the country and start a civil war before their inevitable defeat in the 2020 Presidential Election, and Lil Nas X is the tank commander to lead the Democrats into fascism, their only method to win elections and to influence feeble-minded “Americans”.

Finally, Happy 4th of July to every American out there in the world! Without our Declaration of Independence, we would all be speaking British by now, or would we be speaking Brexitlish? Regardless, every American should be proud they aren’t located in anywhere else but our beloved home in the USA. Fire your fireworks with precaution, but not in safe spaces!!

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

Point/Counterpoint: Vaccinations

Written by Sid Phyllis and Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

In the latest of Bullshit News’s long-running award-winning debate series Point/Counterpoint, new Bullshit News correspondent Sid Phyllis and our in-house doctor/lawyer Steven T. Clements debate a newly hot topic that has flustered families across America: vaccines. While vaccines have claimed to cure polio, measles, cholera, etc, there also have been some startling discoveries that vaccines might, in contrast to the liberal science media, can cause some other diseases like cancer, autism, and bromidrosis. So where is the truth between all the other layers of truth? Sid and Dr. Clements debate.


 

POINT: Vaccines have been used extensively since Jonas Salk created the vaccine by Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s selfish idea to radically inflate the United States’ economy over the Great Depression in 1939 as a tax write-off.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have been proven to be lethal in many controlled experiments. In every experiment on vaccinations, 100% of the participants are likely to be deceased in eighty years time. That’s frightening.

POINT: With vaccinations, polio was eradicated along with smallpox, measles, and dysentery. Without vaccines, we could all be dying quicker, which isn’t Christian.

COUNTERPOINT: The common cold is one of the most deadly forms of bacteria around, and yet vaccines cannot “end” the common cold with their “flu shots”. What’s the use?

POINT: Without vaccines, we might have more people dead than all of the abortions put together in the last three years.

COUNTERPOINT: The total amount of abortions in the past three years can’t be qualified because the data for it is not there, an uncountable amount of abortions were committed. We cannot go into “what-ifs” in terms of vaccines, it’s all about the safety. We must be safe before using needles, we all learned this in high school.

POINT: Vaccines have saved many God-loving Jesus-endorsed Christian children, much more than any abortion could prevent.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have also saved an equal number of God-hating Islamic Barbarians that threaten our countries unity.

POINT: Vaccinations have become a national issue over the years because of fears that liberals have increased Mercury and Lead levels in vaccines in order to create mystical “spectrums” that give children a large range of learning disabilities that can only be solved from liberal entrapment otherwise known as “Crystal Healing”. The one place that cures “unruly vaccinations” is located in Marin County, California, a place known for being so liberal that ISIS and the Taliban congregate to plot how to instill terrorism every year in a conference called “TerrorCon”.

COUNTERPOINT: There is no scientific basis that “vaccinations” have ever been considered safe, yet there isn’t a known correlation between vaccinations and terrorism.

POINT: Vaccines cannot possibly be good for us because liberal fascism demands that every American child that goes to a public school must be vaccination. That is not true freedom, it imprisons the liberty of our children and prevents them from being the free Americans they ought to aspire to be from their History books.

COUNTERPOINT: Children can die without being vaccinated, but they can also just get really sick instead. It is better to be extremely sick without being vaccinated once than to get vaccinated and never get sick.

POINT: Autism never existed before the process of Vaccinations was created.

COUNTERPOINT: Neither has gonorrhea or nuclear power.

POINT: Let’s be honest, the America we know and love was perfected in an era where no one worried about Spanish Flu or The English Disease or cancer. There were no vaccinations either. And you know what? We all lived perfectly fine and healthy. It was only until liberals ushered in a public health crisis by inventing vaccinations to intoxicate our children into being communist childless subordinates.

COUNTERPOINT: Ever notice how a “vaccine” is a needle? Needles are primarily used as a means for a drug to enter your body and disrupt your body’s normally healthy process of living sustainment. HIV is just one of many diseases that can be created in the body as a result of needles. If vaccinations were truly 100% healthy and not Marin County Quack Doctorery, they would not be needles!

POINT: Liberals are actually more likely to undergo a “religious exemption” test to avoid vaccinations because they are aware of the dangers and evil inherent within those devices. They maliciously want young Republican Christian children to die in suffering and agony.

COUNTERPOINT: Liberals can’t possibly be too smart to make vaccines dangerous for the future of our children, they must only be in it for the money.


As you can tell, the process and implementation of vaccinations have been quite a hotbed of controversy not only in the political world but in the scientific one as well. We may never truly know the answers to what really happens in the vaccination process but as long as we are all better informed about all sides of this issue. As long as you make the correct decision for your child and raise them right, that’s what really matters. Parenting is about nurturing and supporting your child in the Christian tradition,  and making sure they are not under threat of Antifa or malicious liberals hellbent on making some money unethically.

Sid Phyllis is Bullshit News’s newest correspondent in political affairs and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donavon and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.