MISSION STATEMENT: Liberals And Their Liberal Friends Are Destroying America And We Need Your Help To Overthrow Their God

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief


America is potentially facing a crisis too difficult to overcome and we need your help.

If I can tell you one thing about this country, just one thing: we are the sum of our parts. The civil war taught us that, and that black people can be people too if they try really hard enough. This country is currently without a doubt at the height of total political polarization since FDR inflated the economy to cure polio for himself. But unlike the “wonder years” of the New Deal era, the executive branch right now is at its apex of megalomania. As a conservative news outlet, we are morally conflicted on how to perceive the one, Donald J. Trump. Ethically, we are way out the window. We don’t need ethics to make good journalism, we just need empirical facts in good news to more places than just talk radio and daytime television, but places like the World Wide Web. More people go on the internet for news then the ol’ timely American tradition of going to the radio, or waking up in the morning and begrudgingly making a cup of coffee to then sit down on a recliner and groan audibly before work. We conservatives must evolve our mediums in order to grow a more perfect union.

That’s where the “your” comes in from the headline, YOU(R), the average butt-scratching American, need to read US so that accurate, fact-checked information can be spread more quickly to the public. We need YOU(R) eyes, and your hearts. Be with us, and not them.

The Mainstream (read: liberal) Media is a threat to our free-flowing information outlet that we Americans love to call liberty. Outlets like CNN, NPR, and Breitbart News are owned by large media conglomerates. They claim to present news to cater to the audience of the common man, but they lie. They are the true fake news. I’m here to assure you that Bullshit News’ Mission, as the Founder and First Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News, is that we will not be owned by these mammoth mainstream media corporations*, and that we will provide you the news that YOU, the average middle-class American, deserve to read. We will not have any blockage or clutter to give you the news before the corporations and their stockholders meddle with it and correct it from their perspective.

We don’t tolerate that Bullshit.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA.

*Until we receive a check with an extraordinary amount of zeroes, preferably before the “.”

Evolution: The Nancy Pelosi Taxpayer-Funded Lie

Written by Sarah Napoli

The children of San Francisco wake up each day and head to their public schools without thinking of the world in big-picture terms. Nancy Pelosi has indoctrinated every child in her city of liberal sodomy about something more heinous than premarital sex: the idea that God plays no role in creating the world. Blasphemy is nothing new to San Francisco or California as a whole for that matter, but by forcing children to see one side of an issue does not create great education. Not that it would matter for liberal oligarch Nancy Pelosi.

The Bullshit News position on the formation of our planet and our existence can be found in the book of Genesis in the Bible. It’s not a hard story to miss, it’s on page 1 because it’s the most important story in the entire book. It details everything, Adam and Eve, the forbidden fruit, how snakes existed, etc. God created light so he could see his next creations: the Heavens, Earth, and every biotic life form that ever existed on this planet. But Nancy Pelosi and her liberal cult fiends that run San Francisco into the poop-infested ground have banned the bible and intellectual design learning from public schools, a most treasonous and anti-liberty act. Why must children learn what Nancy Pelosi wants to learn? They need to learn critical thinking skills and rhetoric to understand how the Democratic Party have undermined how they perceive reality.

Nancy Pelosi has long been a monolith in the Democratic Party “knowledge bank”, she is the main source of everything vile and dumb liberals get their knowledge from. She is the agenda setter. And she wants to make sure your children think that humanity came from something beyond God, and something about monkeys being involved! The so-called evolution “theory” is a radical attempt to unChristianify America and turn it into an atheist state. What does an atheist state look like? It looks like the USSR, with purges occurring on a daily basis and a diabolical corrupt leader in charge who demands the position for life. This is something Nancy Pelosi aspires to be for the United States of America, and it is possibly the vilest and most anti-American incident that can ever happen. I get sick to my stomach typing about it.

Evolution was created by the very same people who want you to believe the so-called “global warming/climate change/Al Gore” is very real and a threat to our existence. The only threat to our existence is our own ignorance, which “Fancy Nancy” wants to spread. In the era of fake news and unverified claims becoming headlines, Pelosi has a desire to let America burn down to the ground while playing her Stradivarius violin, chiming something to herself about wanting to claim the world for the democrat-fascist ideology. Everything she touches either loses elections or corrodes the mind with dumb-founded claims with no grounds to reality.

We cannot save those poor lost souls of the children in San Francisco, who are too young to adhere to any single ideology but the devotion of America and God himself. Rome first burnt down from people staying away from conformity and deviating themselves to hateful fear-mongering liberal rhetoric that Evolution spews. If we descended from other animals, why are those animals still around? How come they aren’t sentient and rational like conservatives? Nancy Pelosi has a war against God himself, which is grounds enough for her constituents in sodomy-plagued San Francisco to get their heads out of their Teslas and demand her to resign. Nancy Pelosi’s very existence, as the leader of the minority (inferior) party she should not be eschewing radical views and forcing them into the minds of children. It is beyond unethical and is absolutely unacceptable for a politician to say.

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the minds of Americans.

Hillary Clinton Announces Bid To Run For Prime Minister Of Communism-Plagued Canada

Written By Dan Shapiro

Hillary Clinton, the infamous deplorable loser who was banished from the United States of America after her defeat in the 2016 presidential election, has announced she has migrated to the communist moose colony of Canada and will run for Prime Minister in their 2019 election. Hillary Clinton is bloodthirsty for power, and she has innovated her political methods by mimicking Donald Trump for calling the heartland of America, “backwards” and did not share any desire to make America great again, which is evident by running for a “Prime Minister”. That’s one thing that shines about Canada’s communism, they don’t believe in constitutions or presidents, both what help make America the world’s leader number one leader in liberty production.

We don’t like to talk about Canada on Bullshit News because we refuse to acknowledge our Stalinist neighbor or promote their red radical agenda. The leader of their “Prime Minister” bund, Justin Trudeau, is more of a hippie that likes to put flowers in guns than behave as a world leader. What exactly has he done since he became “Prime Minister”, raise taxes on the poor? Of course not, the most outlandish thing he is currently doing is promoting the liberal agenda known as “multiculturalism”. In layman’s terms, it’s a Canadian version of American liberty, only communist and inferior. There is a strong reason why the American Dollar will always be more valuable than the Canadian dollar because as we all know, Communism never works. If communism worked, why isn’t life more efficient than it needs to be?

Enough with the communist bastards of the North. Hillary Clinton, poaching over the Canadian “Parliament” like a vulture over a dead deer, will not cease her political ambitions until she is in a high and powerful position to dictate people’s lives. In an essence, she is an export of bastardized American liberty, but she is no communist. She might be too much of a socialist to make any “splash” for parliament seating, but this is a key sign that her days meddling with Donald Trump’s presidential affairs in cohorts with Robert Mueller are over. Her next approach is a long-shot one, become a popular Canadian politician and usurp the general-secretary (the so-called “Prime Minister”) role Justin Trudeau holds. But as we all know, when communists hold power they are very reluctant to take it, and will often approach violent ends to a means if it means staying in power. Once Hillary managed to get a chance to be on the ballot, we should not be surprised if something suspicious happens, such as asking America to help her campaign and is thrown to Canadian prison for colluding with a foreign government. What poetic justice that would be!

Hillary Clinton announced she was running for “Prime Minister” from Mumbai, India. Just weeks before, Justin Trudeau was campaigning for reelection in the former communist colony, India.  Hillary is aiming to see how Trudeau is popular and must robotically mimic his approach to politics to better understand the so-called “average Canadian voter”. Justin’s communist constituents denounced Trudeau’s New Delhi-leg of his campaign saying that he was “trying too hard“, creating a divide in the Liberal Party (the communist bund for the Democratic Party) and the exact moment for Hillary Clinton to jump in on the scene and challenge Trudeau. What’s to happen will be examined more by Bullshit News in the future. For now, America will always be in the headlines.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB spl.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Capital Punishment (Or The Death Penalty)

Written by Rachel Gilfords and Aaron Lau

In our latest installment of Point/Counterpoint, there have always been discussions about if certain ethical dilemmas play a role in our most prized punishment, the death sentence. Should the death penalty be used for the most wretched of crimes, like murder or drug dealing? Or should capital punishment be the most divine way of handling the death sentence? We invited Rachel Gilfords and Aaron Lau to discuss one of America’s most cherished activities.


Rachel Gilfords: Point: capital punishment is the only way to purge evil-doers from our society. Locking them up behind bars will only give them incentives to escape. They cannot escape hell.

Aaron Lau: Counterpoint: The death penalty should be primarily reserved for those that murder babies. Or children. The most severe of crimes should lead to a more severe death sentence.

RG: Point: Each monotheistic religion on Earth has their own form of capital punishment, extending our American tradition since Adam and Eve.

AL: Counterpoint: Every monotheistic religion that isn’t Christianity is inherently wrong. Just because the Islamic folks and Jews have their own version of the death penalty doesn’t make them any more right, or intelligent. It simply means they have a very low standard of rationality.

RG: Point: Capital punishment is a deterrent to pernicious members of society to never commit a crime. They will know what will come to them.

AL: Counterpoint: Those criminals want the death penalty. They hate living and will continue to provoke terror until they get what they want. They are asking for it.

RG: Point: As technology gets better and better, more efficient and less costly ways for capital punishment to go underway will make any potential opposition towards capital punishment meaningless.

AL: Counterpoint: As the Bullshit News technology expert, we will find new ways to innovate the death penalty. Instead of muskets for a firing squad, we can use nuclear missiles. Instead of an electric chair, we can give the death penalty via virtual reality. The most common method, lethal injections, are needless and only support the elitist Pharmaceutical companies and not the State. The death penalty will always cost us money, but it is money well spent.

RG: Point: Capital punishment is not cruel enough.

AL: Counterpoint: The death penalty doesn’t go far enough.

RG: Point: Certain “three strikes” laws should all end in capital punishment rather than forced incarceration for life. Putting prisoners behind bars for life is very taxing.

AL: Counterpoint: The average American is informed about the law enough to never commit a crime in their life. There should be a one strike policy to result in the death penalty.

RG: Point: Without capital punishment, our streets would be like Chicago and littered with crime. Capital punishment is the ultimate deterrent every civilized society instills.

AL: Counterpoint: Without the death penalty, we would be forced to lock up prisoners for life when they should not be living. They will inevitably be released from prison to commit more crimes in a desire to go back. Our prison system is like soma to its heartless inhabitants.

RG: Point: Capital punishment is the ultimate death sentence for convicts and outlaws that would otherwise strive to be the president of Mexico or one of their local drug cartels.

AL: Counterpoint: The death penalty is the real ultimate sentence to drug users, rapists, convicted murderers (abortion-havers), and we need it more over capital punishment because criminals do not deserve an easy break. Their brains, like liberals, are neurologically different from the sane, rational-minded conservatives that do not deserve to be washed away from living for purely existing.


Thanks to both correspondents, Aaron Lau and Rachel Gilfords, for their ability to civilly disagree with each other to present us a public forum for informed citizens to better pick a side between capital punishment or the death penalty. One of the greatest things about America is the ability to choose two sides of one issue, and for both parties to agree to disagree. These issues can be very personal for some folks, and often cause liberals to lose their minds (as if they were ever existent, to begin with) and speak in terms of emotion, rather than sound logic and reason. May we all become better-informed citizens in the process.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a War On Christmas analyst. A former Fox News beat-reporter, Rachel has covered Afghanistan and Iraq on the ground in one year and received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Roger Ailes. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Aaron Lau is the Bullshit News specialist in Social Media, Internet, and other On-Line media-related issues. He is married to his lovely wife, Cindy. He enjoys ultimate frisbee and certain technologies including video games but not the liberal propaganda-endorsed “fidget spinners” that are designed to spin Republicans to the left. He has an Associates’ in Information Systems from George Washington University and owns a Chow by the name of “Zappa”.

Opioids: How Democrats Are Killing Republicans

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

The War on Drugs, formed by President Richard Nixon to soberize the country from the fascist drug-craven reign of LBJ, has been one of America’s toughest wars to fight in recent memory. The latest drugs that poison America’s unfortunate able-bodied workers are something called “opioids”. Opioids function as pain relief, as a method to get away from the nonstop liberal rhetoric the mainstream media pollutes daily. Opioids are effectively the number one cause of death to conservatives. A national tragedy.

Opioids are just one drug trying to kill Americans, and more importantly conservative Americans. There is also cocaine, the Fidel Castro-approved method of self-destruction as seen in Scarface. Heroin, the so-called “mushrooms”, methamphetamine, LSD, ecstasy (otherwise known to the kindergarteners as “molly”), and marijuana are all popular amongst the youth. Each of these drugs leads to destructive habits and corruptible behaviors like voting for a Democrat in a midterm election, of all elections. There are compelling reasons as to why each of these drugs is illegal, but each of them can also kill you. Especially Marijuana, which is the drug most likely to lead towards deviant behavior and mental illness. Such mental illness that makes some Republicans (RINOS) convert to Democrats, like Ron Paul and his sicko-lackey, Gary Johnson. These RINOS want to surrender the war on drugs to the drugs because they are already addicted to that liberal crack menace. Ronald Reagan fought to save these souls from the liberal crack, but too much exposure from it never salvaged Ron Paul.

America will never surrender to drugs, Mr. Ron Paul. Not while Jeff Sessions is Attorney General, who is supporting a maximum-prison term sentence for drug-related offenses. The greatest way to hasten the end of the drug war is a lesson from the Philippines, America’s most forgettable colony. They no longer have drug problems, as President Rodrigo Duterte has personally ended the lives of all drug distributors and manufacturers in his country. Donald Trump has looked up to Duterte for drug policy influence, which is not a bad place to begin looking for research. Better than those “Lib(eral)aries” the government wastes tax dollars on.

The death penalty, otherwise known as capital punishment, would be a great end to a mean to the “War on Drugs”. It is a war that has dragged on far too long, much like the War of Northern Aggression. Much like the “War on Christmas”, “War on Poverty”, “War on Coal”, and the “War on The History Channel Never Airing History-Related Segments” created by Senator Grassley, these wars are all catastrophic to our American tax dollars. “Poverty is Expensive”, says famous author James Baldwin. Needless deaths resulting from these wars reduce our GDP and weakens our country in doing so. Drug dealers never intend to be taxed for their work, which is an especially heinous crime. If the United States of America cannot profit from mercantile transactions, it is an act of war. Opioids make this problem hazy, and Democrats seize this moment to support the drugs perspective on the war to disillusion the American populace from capitalism. This is an act of treason.

The Democrats have made mind-altering drugs to persuade young conservatives to the liberal blue pill mindset, and enjoy that evil carnivorous “Grateful Dead” jam band music that fuels the marijuana pollution in the air. The opioids are the Democrats latest drug-craze experiment that has gone madly wrong, more people are dying from opioids than from cars. It has reached far past the point where someone is more likely to die from relieving the pain of a car accident, then the car exploding because you wanted to smoke a cigarette at a gas station. Liberals have conceited that if they cannot attempt to win over voters with failed ideology and false promises, then they must kill the opposition in order to remain relevant. This is sickening and unethical to the lowest degree. The opioids must stop harming our God-fearing Americans in the heartland. It is time to crank up the War on Drugs, kill the drug creators, manufacturers, and distributors, and for opioids to be over.

Just say no.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month.

Trade Wars: Everything Old Is New Again For American Supremacy

Written by Gilbert Miser

President Donald Trump’s daily parade of American glory has decided to continue sailing its route towards making America #1 in freedom again. President Trump is extremely concerned about our deficits in liberty from trade. As we all know, America is #1 in liberty production and somehow still continues to spend more on exporting liberty than receiving liberty, or our money back. This is completely unacceptable and we should all salute Donald J. Trump for urging a trade war to help our unsalted economy from former Democratic/Autocratic leader, Barack Hussein Obama.

Donald Trump also announced new tariffs on aluminum and steel, two industries that were ransacked by us from the Mexicans and the Canadians. Or the British and Chinese, whoever those countries were, they are anti-American in ideology and agenda. We need to trade more with countries like Russia or Albania, we will instantly receive rubles, or profits, from those countries. And the more currencies America crushes with its hard big dollar, the more powerful the trade war benefits the American dollar, the absolute currency of the universe.

While liberals like Globalist/Elitist-stooge Gary Cohn run screaming, proclaiming a trade war “makes no sense” or “will make the cost of living more unaffordable to the average American” are pure nonsense. Trade wars assert American might, and might creates right. And what’s right, is ultimately what’s best for not just the country, but for the world. Trade wars are what killed Adolf Hitler, poisoned Leon Trotsky, and let George Washington kill oppressive monarch King George the Third. From trade wars, Adolf Hitler learned he was a total baby loser and shot himself. Leon Trotsky learned that socialism was for suckers and was living a lie his entire life to poison and himself from making the wrong trade deal with Joseph Stalin. And as well all know, George Washington crossed the Potomac to burn down the tea factories the British forced Americans to work in without money. Trade wars work in silencing the opposition, and Donald Trump has made steps in the right direction to make America work again.

“Trade wars” and “tariffs” are economic weapons that America has always had in Her arsenal, and those weapons were waiting to be used, much like our nuclear weapons program. All the meaningless presidents before Donald Trump, such as Obama, Clinton, and the like, never bothered to provoke other meaningless countries like Germany or Australia into a trade war, because they fear about the public image of the United States. That is shameful, and not American in any sense of behavior. Trade wars are not vulgar displays of power, but rather tools to better correct the economic world. But why steel, liberty and aluminum tariffs and not tariffs on cotton or wind instruments? Because the number one goal of a trade war is to win money, and what can provide more to America, besides oil, then steel and aluminum? This is the exact time to take our country back from the scrap heap and into the dominant social paradigm-heap.


Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents died under mysterious circumstances he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became a multibillionaire. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. Contrary to the popular misconception, Gilbert is neither an “elitist” nor a “globalist”. 

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Baby Murder (or Abortion)

Written by Dan Shapiro and Pastor John Mathewson

Here at Bullshit News, we always want the public to engage in open discourse to show why liberals are wrong. Maybe then they will finally learn how life works. One such liberal misconception is their theory on “Abortion”, or terminating a child while the child is being formulated. We have brought up an open forum for our two contributors, Dan Shapiro and Pastor John Mathewson for our new segment, Point/Counterpoint.


Pastor John Mathewson: Point: Abortions, at any occurrence, are murdered children in the eyes of God. It is an abomination.

Dan Shapiro: Counterpoint: Anyone who commits an abortion should die. The so-called “doctor” and the women in question. Eye for an eye.

PJM: Point: It is a state’s right to decide the illegality of abortion.

DS: Counterpoint: Abortion should be illegal by a constitutional amendment.

PJM: Point: That’s pretty difficult to do, we should be a bit more realistic in our approach.

DS: Counterpoint: Donald Trump is still our president. Nothing can stop us.

PJM: Point: If abortion is illegal, so-called “back-alley abortions” will occur more often. They are, in a sense ironically, deadlier than a normal abortion.

DS: Counterpoint: Use birth control and don’t get pregnant. It’s that simple.

PJM: Point: Abortions are the kind of thing devil daughters like Lisa Simpson do.

DS: Counterpoint: A woman who has never had an abortion is purer than a virgin.

PJM: Point: If you undergo a single abortion, you will go to hell where Sun Ra commands the radio stations.

DS: Counterpoint: Sun Ra is a phenomenal Jazz musician, but hell is still a horrible and treacherous place. Can’t argue about theology with a pastor!

PJM: Point: Planned Parenthood needs to be totally defunded from the government for the assistance of baby homicides.

DS: Counterpoint: Anyone working at Planned Parenthood needs to go to prison. Along with Hillary Clinton. Murder is unacceptable by almost every ethical tenet.

PJM: Point: Some claim an abortion is only permissible in the first three months.

DS: Counterpoint: An abortion is an abortion. It is the termination of life, no questions asked.

PJM: Point: Abortions are harder to get to since the passage of Roe Vs. Wade.

DS: Counterpoint: Women can get abortions from their smartphone apps. Instagram has been paying scientists to figure out a way for women to get abortions through their app without a doctor at all. This will lead to future problems regarding the ease of access to abortion.

PJM: Point: God called me last night and said abortions were explicitly forbidden.

DS: Counterpoint: I can’t be contrarian to that because I am not a Godless Islamic heathen.

PJM: Point: All women should undergo ultrasounds before having an abortion.

DS: Counterpoint: All women should undergo multiple X-Ray exams and stare at the charts with the Ludovico technique.

PJM: Point: Sharia Law permits abortions because they are “halal”.

DS: Counterpoint: Our strictly Judeo-Christian patriotic heritage will not be threatened by Zionism or its attempts at creating abortions!



We can agree to disagree with each other. It’s the freedom that is the aura of America. We hope you’ve seen both perspectives on an important issue in American politics. Continue the conversation, bring it up on dates to your potential spouses, it’s important that every American is informed about jihads committed by so-called doctors on a daily basis, right here in our own backyard.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrians, excluding Calvinists.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan Shapiro went to Yale and graduate at the top of his class with his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB.



Arming Teachers With Firearms Is The Only Way To Prevent Undesirable Manslaughter In Schools

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief, Founder

Liberals have not stopped talking about guns since the Stoneham Douglass High School tragedy last Wednesday. Why are liberals so fixated on guns? We know guns can’t be the problem, they’re the solution to the problem that was initiated by wacko nutjob folks that play too much Call of Duty: Medal of Honor 3, listen to too much “Heavy Metal” and “Jazz” music and absorb all violent tendencies that come from CNN and the local movie theater. There are innumerable studies that show mentally disturbed people who absorb too much inappropriate media will order a gun from HGTV and shoot up somewhere in a statement they whine in their manifestos, naturally inspired by Karl Marx. My question is this: Why do all the mentally ill vote Democrat? Consider John Hinckley, the nutjob that was in love with Jane Fonda (an anti-American freedom and anti-liberty actress) and tried to kill the bastion of all that is good and noble, Ronald Reagan. What kind of common sense Republican would attempt to discharge a firearm in public, let alone founding father himself Ronald Reagan? Republicans are responsible and orderly, Democrats are mischievous, overly idealistic and odorly.

The real problem this whole fiasco brings up an important question, why do Democrats want this supposed “gun control”? What could that accomplish? People will still find a way to acquire a firearm (and knowing democrats that want all guns to be illegal, they would sell them on the black market to make a profit to save their bankrupt asses), and no God-fearing patriot would ever refuse a sale. Everyone needs money, everyone needs to find a way to protect their money, and so everyone needs a firearm to protect their money for themselves. So yes, teachers like children must learn how to use a firearm for self-protection, it is not just a practical solution, it is the only solution. If crazy atheist liberal wackos will keep shooting guns in school and not on a firing range, making every teacher prepared for the worst, will give them a strong mindset to be ready for the worst.

“But”, the dumb-o-crat contrarian says, “What if teachers don’t want to use a gun?”. That’s tragically simple, they will die. If they die, they die. I believe the term to be used is “natural selection”, because the liberal teacher will naturally select himself to die, preferably as a body shield for the accidental manslaughter that can occur in schools. The smart children that have Glocks can easily save teachers too, but it is ideal that every person in a local public school is armed, and from there it will prevent these incidental discharges from occurring ever again in public. As the Founding Fathers said when creating our beautiful and exceptional country:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Ahh, the Second Amendment is like Psalm 23 of the United States. Our shepherd, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, guides us through the cloudy uncertainty of day-to-day living. There will always be worse people with guns (some circles call these people, “libertarians”) that will exercise their Second Amendment rights and discharge their bullets to unwilling defenseless toddlers. And until everyone is armed (per their rights and given they are not a felon, in which case they can use BB guns), these atheist wacko Islamists will always try to terrorize the people. But if we all listened to our Founding Fathers, maybe we don’t have to worry about these incidental acts of unintentional manslaughter in public venues.
Teachers NEED guns, perhaps at subsidized costs and preferably tax-free. We can’t afford to have any young bright minds wasted because they never learned how to use a firearm in school for self-defense. Local NRA chapters should assist every teacher on how to be properly armed and ready in the event of an unfortunate discharge, and learn how to fire and hold a gun to prevent recoil and cause other accidental discharges. The only solution the commies can contour up when it comes to so-called “gun control” is to either ban every firearm, ban media imagery, or promote “universal background checks”. “Universal background checks” is a dog-whistle word for socialism, as well as the word “universal”. Think about it, the term “universal” puts every American into a regulated box waiting for the government to pick them up from the school to lobotomize them into unwilling consent that regulation is acceptable and that everything in life would be better if the government-funded everything. Ugh, fiscal irresponsibility gives me the shakes.
The media are to blame here. Our media is very violent and bloody that it makes liberals squirm with all the high-intensity action that media provides. It’s very entertaining, so much it functions as a feedback loop, resending the same signals that tell people to purchase a product or commit a tragedy using a beloved firearm towards a local populace. But the solution isn’t more regulation, you filthy liberal plutocrat, but to be more aware of media’s images and effects. Children are intelligent but unaware of the effects of the media, so it’s up to the parent’s discretion to be mindful of what their children do before they grow up a Democrat. And especially do not give a child a “Metallica” or “Charlie Parker” CD, those kinds of music will mess with any mentally disturbed teenager. To adequately protect children is to go beyond giving them firearms and training, but to instill that your child is media literate and is well aware of the liberal biases in places like NPR, CBS, and CNN. Too much exposure to those outlets will drive them into an unintentional manslaughter event.
The liberal fixation on regulating or banning firearms is a call to arms. We cannot allow this kind of atrocity to impact our beloved and beautiful country and corrode what our Founding Fathers died for with terrible and inaccurate musket-rifles. Pistols have a safety for a reason, obviously meant to prevent unintentional public discharges from occurring but sadly Democrats never read the fine print or a manual. The solution to these public undesirable manslaughter events is not more regulation, but to make sure every teacher is locked and loaded before the first bell rings. We cannot afford more children to die because of educational mishaps, or their lack of awareness of what firearms are. WE NEED TO TEACH THE CHILDREN rather then charade them into a world of lies and firearm regulation, what a crooked future that would be.
Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan was not invited to CPAC because he was too conservative for their tastes.