MISSION STATEMENT: Liberals And Their Liberal Friends Are Destroying America And We Need Your Help To Overthrow Their God

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief

 

America is potentially facing a crisis too difficult to overcome and we need your help.

If I can tell you one thing about this country, just one thing: we are the sum of our parts. The civil war taught us that, and that black people can be people too if they try really hard enough. This country is currently without a doubt at the height of total political polarization since FDR inflated the economy to cure polio for himself. But unlike the “wonder years” of the New Deal era, the executive branch right now is at its apex of megalomania. As a conservative news outlet, we are morally conflicted on how to perceive the one, Donald J. Trump. Ethically, we are way out the window. We don’t need ethics to make good journalism, we just need empirical facts in good news to more places than just talk radio and daytime television, but places like the World Wide Web. More people go on the internet for news then the ol’ timely American tradition of going to the radio, or waking up in the morning and begrudgingly making a cup of coffee to then sit down on a recliner and groan audibly before work. We conservatives must evolve our mediums in order to grow a more perfect union.

That’s where the “your” comes in from the headline, YOU(R), the average butt-scratching American, need to read US so that accurate, fact-checked information can be spread more quickly to the public. We need YOU(R) eyes, and your hearts. Be with us, and not them.

The Mainstream (read: liberal) Media is a threat to our free-flowing information outlet that we Americans love to call liberty. Outlets like CNN, NPR, and Breitbart News are owned by large media conglomerates. They claim to present news to cater to the audience of the common man, but they lie. They are the true fake news. I’m here to assure you that Bullshit News’ Mission, as the Founder and First Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News, is that we will not be owned by these mammoth mainstream media corporations*, and that we will provide you the news that YOU, the average middle-class American, deserve to read. We will not have any blockage or clutter to give you the news before the corporations and their stockholders meddle with it and correct it from their perspective.

We don’t tolerate that Bullshit.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA.

*Until we receive a check with an extraordinary amount of zeroes, preferably before the “.”

President Trump Cures Opioid Epidemic

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

As an occasional lawyer and part-time doctor, I understand how truly catastrophic the Opioid epidemic can be, taking away the lives of many red, white and blue-blooded Republican Americans from living the hearts out. The science back in the day was dominated by leftists from Germany that pretended to be from Berkeley, they didn’t know anything. Those scientists said that opioids were good and are good for “pain-relief”. Those hippie liberals believe any drug is a good drug, and that “pain-relief” is a cure for internal problems the human body can’t solve like cancer, internal bleeding, or having Frog Person DNA. But from new studies about the opioid crisis (ethical disclaimer: I was a researcher of these studies), we have learned that opioid addictions will now become a thing of the past.

I am not from the medical school of Politico, I went to the Alpert Medical School at Brown University. But I will use the principle of charity here and assume they are very well-endowed and intelligent people. Because of their study, the Department of Health and Human Services has declared the opioid epidemic a closed case. HHS Secretary Alex Azar has gone on the record to say, “I’m happy to go on the record and say that a once major bummer in American society, is like totally done for. The man on the phone told me not to re-sign the paperwork that said it was a crisis because it wasn’t a big deal anymore. The man on the phone, Dr. Richard Sackler, said that he has everything under control. I trust his judgment and good character.”

Those intolerant bigots of the liberal mainstream media machine of injustice might have reported this as news with the bias of saying that Alex “Always A-Game” Azar had “forgotten to renew the proper paperwork”, but this framing implies that paperwork had to be done. It doesn’t have to, what significance can an easily crumbled up piece of paper really have in our society? Especially in regard to public health, Just look around your neighborhood, do you see anyone doing opioids? Since none of you said yes, you can tell that President Trump has worked on the issue long enough for the problem to mostly go away. And if we can sleep peacefully at night because of that fact, then that paperwork truly meant nothing after all.

Now that the Opioid epidemic is over, much like racism, America can now focus on bigger and better things like funding the military, ending the abortion movement once and for all, or best of all, re-election for this upcoming year. All of which is more important to focus on then our ever-loving and the depressingly eternal war on drugs (minus opioids). Another victory for Trump is a victory for us all, and a greater chance to ensure his second term that he deserves for caring the extra mile about our American people. While America has many other needs to attend to, today is a day for celebration that will be remembered for generations to come as America no longer has a problem with regards to opioids. Hurra!

 
Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law-related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

Beware Of Frog People

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

My fellow Humans, we are under duress by multiple evil-doers on a daily basis, whether it is the Islamic-Sikh Asaadists or Nancy Pelosi and the evil House Democrat Party Plot. But there are more existential threats to ourselves, the Christian Human race who have roamed the Earth for the last 6,000 years. There is a common conspiracy regarding the existence of “Lizard People”, which is factually unverifiable because God does not like lizards nor brings them up in the bible. It’s why they taste bad. But human beings and only one other animal share a common ancestry: the Frog.

Now you may be wondering about that Evolution myth about some monkeys, fish, plants, birds, rocks, and things but they are never referenced in the New Testament with a connection to the Human Being (except for “things”, you know what they are). However, the Bible does bring up multiple conversations between Jesus Christ and the Frogs. In Revelation 16:13, Jesus fought the Three Dragon-Frog Sinners Of Judaism. In that fight, the Dragon-Frog Jew Sinners with their large and mighty tounges inflicted Jesus’s seed permanently with their Frog DNA, causing some sons and daughters of Jesus (in faith) to possibly turn into these Frog People.

Revelation 16:13 is not Jesus’s only encounter with Frogs or Frog People, but it is his most important encounter. Frogs are routinely referenced as being a plague or scourge and acting as one of Jesus’s many antagonists. You can find that relevant material on this link. Frogs are not very edible, and since they have no other function for us big-brained humans, they are a threat to our existence. They could learn how to use a shotgun or .22 pistol quickly if The Lord is still furious at us for letting his Son die and all that. We must not risk ourselves and the plight of our species against these Frog People.

Now that we know why the Frog People are our enemy, we need to understand why the Frog People must be stopped and permanently exiled or exterminated from our society. You may recognize a “Frog Person” if their skin can become suspiciously green at any time. Sometimes the Frog People can change their skin and back to their Human skin again by a blink’s notice. The following is a description of Frog People and Frog People-like behavior: short in stature, bulgy frog-like eyes, bendable/weak arms and/or legs, large tounges, short appetite, enthusiasts of the musical group “Phish”, ability to jump over large heights, little to no hair, has a strong hobby or interest in swimming or water sports, strong lungs and “shakey” tendencies. Here is a drawing/representation of a frog person:

Frog Person

As you may notice, this frog person is on the lookout to attack or perhaps feast on a Human prey. Their large tounges could catch Jesus and invade his DNA, and Frog People can do it to you as well! They may appear innocent and humanlike, but be warned as the Frog People have sinister intentions and more than likely prefer the Old Testament over the more true and much more faithful New Testament which actually brings up Jesus Christ. Be aware, they are Frog-People, not Frogs. This drawing is a Frog Person in their Frog form, which they can turn into it for roughly 30 milliseconds to as long as three minutes depending on what their False Prophet orders from them if they deem a Human nearby as a threat or as candy.

The False Prophet is the leader of the Frog People, with the leader being chosen in a manner similar to Catholicism and the “Pope”. The False Prophet does not live on Earth–he cannot. He communicates via satellite with remote controls and VHS tape (the only kind of visual media that can work in space, don’t ask NASA, read the Bible) to control his army of frog people that inhabit in at least 3% of the Human Race on our Earth planet. There are rumored to be as many as 13 “False Prophets” operating at any time, but further investigation is needed.

I’m afraid I’m going to have to address to so-called “Frog-Elephant in the room”. There is a common misconception in the mainstream media about the Frog People menace. Liberal occasional MSNBC correspondent Alex Jones has referred to an unknown substance called a “chemical” that turns frogs into homosexual deviants that lust for blood or for some other nefarious and unordinary purpose. This is merely Obama propaganda and can be rationally ignored as nonsense. The Frog People are very much straight and have strong desires to procreate multiple Frog People into existence for they want to take over our planet and replace the human race. Their intentions, while on the outside seem innocent, are genocidal on the inside.

That is all the information I have as of this very moment I can share about the Frog People. There is no true call to action, this is merely a public service announcement. If you see a fellow human “brother or sister” friend of yours, and you notice they have turned into a Frog Person for a rare period of more than 30 seconds, then you must do your sworn Christian Human duty and engage in self-defense on behalf of the Human race. Don’t take it very personally, it’s for our children and their children’s children to live in a pure world free from all threats against humanity. Sacrifices need to be made, feel fortunate that you can do your part against these evil crusaders and help humanity win the battle for God’s love.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Muslims, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Senate To Pass Bill Renewing The Right To Kill Communists With Impunity

Written by Sgt. Louie Gates II

And as this decade of domestic terrorism led by the Barack Obama regime being washed away by President Trump comes to a close, we are hopeful that the upcoming decade won’t be led astray by phony presidents like Barack Obama and his nonstop apology tours. Thankfully, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell already has a plan in mind for the next decade to eradicate all aspects of liberal extremism (and its good cousin communism) with the midnight passage of a bill titled S.981, otherwise known as the “Good Neighbor Act Of 2019”.

The Good Neighbor Act allows for a couple of things. First, the GNA decriminalizes dueling, one of America’s finest and oldest political institutions for rhetoric. The GNA also permits a federal implementation of the “Stand Your Ground” act, which supports national security and adds more than $70 billion dollars towards the Department of Homeland Security to manufacture “Safety Drones” for nearly all police departments across the country. Many other aspects of the GNA are miscellaneous details about funding various parts of our military and other good benefits towards America’s protectors against terrorism. A notable aspect of the GNA is the permittance of owning a gun within 50 miles of a school zone for defensive-use purposes.

The Good Neighbor Act is an exceptional piece of legal writing and advancement towards the protection of our own people that Barack Obama was trying to destroy in his eight years of tyranny. Critics of national security (“coincidentally” a majority of the Democratic Party base) believe this bill will pave the way for a fascist America, which is pure hogwash. Just because America is putting more money into Homeland Security, a guarantee to be in Iraq for at least another five years, and paving the way for Stand Your Ground laws across the country does not permit the same “evil” as Adolf Hitler or Slobodan Milosevic, it simply allows means for the average ordinary every-day American to fight back AGAINST those evil communists that lurk within our borders. Stalin be damned.

I’m personally offended by these allegations that compare our beautiful democracy to something as mundane and boring as Serbia. How can the United States of America be considered “fascist” for passing a bill that allows Americans to be properly armed and ensuring their right for security without the interference of police officers, communists, and paperwork? America has enough bureaucratic processes (created by Democratic Party-enabled administrations) and the Good Neighbor Act aims to eliminate these needless paper-backed burdens that can bring justice to a halt and prevent criminals and other communist infiltrators from claiming their innocence. Thanks to Mitch McConnell and other Senate Republicans, Americans everywhere in America can no longer worry about criminal legal implications if they happen to “commit homicide” against communists and other threats to our national security.

For many of our ignorant readers, they might ask the question, “Isn’t communism dead? Why worry about dead ideologies that have failed millions of times in the past?”. And to you I say, no political ideology can truly die, except for maybe monarchy. But communism is never dead, it is a zombie ideology that can only be hunted down and discouraged in every United States history classroom as a means to prevent the communists that have or may have influence in our local communities. Now, I’m not scared of communism or communists threatening to hunt me down because I have a security clearance from the government. But what I am concerned about is communism being considered okay, and the teachings of communist inventer Karl Marx considered acceptable material for children that are in the middle of learning about the wonders of Christianity and the Bible. To be a communist you cannot read the bible, and I should know as a staunch anti-Communist Republican God-fearing man! The two are simply incompatible with each other.

As we move towards an election year, the stakes are high for communism to “bounce back” against our extremely Democratic country. Socialist Democratic Party candidate for president, Bernie Sanders, remains of the biggest threats to our country should he be nominated or otherwise. But with the passage of the GNA come early January, Sanders and his goons against America will be officially put on notice. America will not tolerate terrorists and their sympathizers. May your New Year be merry and wonderful unless you’re a communist, then I’m onto you. Have a hearty 2020!!

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times on multiple tours and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country. Sgt. Gates II currently works with the American Enterprise Institute and its stout Anti-Communism program. 

Update: Christmas Is Saved From Atheist And Islamic Terrorism

Written By Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

On Christmas Eve we, unfortunately, had to inform our viewers that the Nation of Islam, in cohorts with the Atheist movement/militia, were attempting to sabotage one, if not THE most important holiday in our country/culture, Christmas. They were upset that Christianity is more prominent in the world than their own ideology, festered in hate by one of the devils incarnate in Louie Farrakhan. Farrakhan, for those that do not remember, is one of the biggest “haters” of the 20th and 21st centuries. He is a black supremacy extremist that has expressed an unwavering desire to end “whitey” and some Jewish people that stand in his way. Farrakhan knew he needed an army of people, not just relying on his Nation of Islam, he needed a much larger following to execute his evil demands. Lucky for Farrakhan, he got his Christmas gift early with a large coalition of Atheists that wanted to help him with his desire to end Christmas once and for all with domestic terrorism.

Farrakhan and his Godless Islamic Barbarian and Atheist followers were to go to as many houses in America and try to burn down their Christmas trees and presents and sell the most valuable presents to pawn shops across America to rake in more money for the Nation of Islam. Thankfully, since we alerted the authorities and properly informed the people about this upcoming potential monstrosity, we were able to arrest the many people that attempted to destroy America’s precious holiday that all of us Christians celebrate merrily. That’s right readers of Bullshit News, together we have saved Christmas!

But we must also strive and make efforts to prevent efforts of Democratic Party-funded styles of terrorism that threaten to destroy our countries’ unity. The Atheism community and the Nation of Islam are forms of protected speech by our First Amendment, and their actions of terror, while heavily documented, are not enough for these groups to be disciplined from our judicial system as they are heavily biased towards liberals. This is one thing  President Donald Trump is working on year-round, eradicating this humungous bias against Christianity that is judicial activism. The Democrats tried to stop Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh from going on the Supreme Court as well as our friend and sometimes advisor of Bullshit News, Neil Gorsuch. We must spend more effort to stop this Democratic madness, and we must always remain vigilant about it.

As we head towards a new year, decade, and plenty more Christmases to come, we must all be aware of the threat that Louie Farrakhan, the Nation of Islam, and Atheism all have against our country. They are against our values, are for taxes to be raised unfairly for pig barrel spending, and support the Democratic Party more times then they do not. While the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Atheist Coalition may be fundamentally opposed to each other from their respective religious documents, they do align on one goal: the total destruction of Christianity and our beloved United States of America. We must be prepared for Christmas next year, or perhaps Easter as well. We cannot let acts of terrorism define us as a country.

But we don’t need to worry about terrorism anymore today, the Atheist Islamic brutes have lost, and their agenda has been espoused. Other outlets like CNN, The Epoch Times or The Daily Caller would have allowed these acts of terror to slide because of their mainstream liberal biases. But we don’t lie to you, we tell you the truth straight from the source, where all news originates: word of mouth. And despite what those Islamo-Atheist leftist terrorists want, Christmas is here today, and here to stay for the end of time and even beyond that.

God bless you all, and have a merry Christmas and a fruitful new year. Unless you are a radical Atheist-Islamo Barbaric Terrorist, in which case you should go to hell and think about what you were planning on doing.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Atheists And The Nation Of Islam Are Attempting To Stop Christmas From Happening

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The War On Christmas is not stopping any time soon, as long as liberals control a portion of the government they will try to stop us from celebrating America’s most beloved holiday. The Atheists, a religious group that opposes all forms of religion and piety not to be confused with Antifa, have decided to join forces with one of the biggest threats to America from Godless Islamic Barbarian brutalism, the Nation of Islam. For those unaware, the Nation of Islam is led by notorious anti-Christian and even anti-Semitic GodKing named Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan is one of the biggest enemies of Christendom of the 20th and 21st century, wanting to usher in a new crusade while also hating the Jews as a side-quest. Farrakhan might have realized that his goals for conquesting are not good enough to stop Christmas this year and needed a much larger group to help him on his quest. Luckily for Farrakhan, a large amount of Americans (25%, almost all are sinners) are irreligious, or Atheist per their nomenclature.

The alliance between Islam and Atheism was longly considered a hoax. They appear to be mortal enemies, much like Judaism and all sects of Christianity. The Jewish people did not want to celebrate Christmas so they became Jewish instead, which was only considered okay recently. Atheists, on the other hand, are rude and callous and would firebomb Christmas if terrorists would help them. The Nation of Islam is one of the strongest pillars of Godless Islamic Barbarianism and is sometimes called the “American ISIS” or the “Capitalist Taliban”. Farrakhan, in particular, acts as he looks: a ruthless dictator with no care towards people that aren’t his own. Farrakhan once said he would “eat the Jews” if he could, but it is far from the worst thing about him. Farrakhan has a powerful alliance with the Democratic Party (DNC).

It is not an open secret that the DNC has struggled to exist over the decade. The ideas of the Democratic Party lie in the minority of U.S voters, as time and elections have proved over and over again. They are struggling financially, and one group that has given them money since their inception has been the Nation of Islam. They want to erase everything about Christianity and God from our culture and replace it with Louis Farrakhan statues and poorly drawn cave paintings about hunting “whitey”. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Atheism has long been a threat to the America we love and support every day. Atheists have contributed nothing to American culture and have long antagonized it and everything regarding organized religion. Atheism has no organized leader or central planning, similar to communism in ideology. And since the Atheist movement has no leader, they are perhaps a larger threat than the Nation of Islam by themselves if they weren’t so rudderless with their kibbutz-inspired “leadership”. So how do we know the Nation of Islam is now working with the Atheists? Well, the (somewhat open) secret is that they have been working together for decades now, announcing the partnership as public to threaten Christians near one of the holiest days of the year? Farrakhan would do that as a ruthless tyrant who wants to seek control of the White House via illicit means.

“But what about Christmas? What are these groups planning on doing to stop Christmas?” You, the intelligent reader of Bullshit News just had this thought enter your head. Farrakhan and his Nation of Islam with the support of the Atheist Coalition will try to stop Christmas by going from house to house and burning Christmas Trees down without thought or care to the families that are celebrating their time-honored heritage. Although if your children and/or teenagers are smart, they would be properly armed and ready to assault any suspicious-looking person that attempts to walk on your front lawn and try to destroy your holiday spirit.

The Nation of Islam is and has been recruiting the Atheists to undermine America’s first or second most important holiday of the year. Farrakhan is inspired by the Atheist’s commitment to leaderless, organized action. They will attempt to burn down our Christmas trees anywhere across America, so being armed and prepared for tonight is essential. The Atheists and their Nation of Islam cohorts will try to take your presents and sell them to people that don’t deserve it, or probably burn them and be turned on from the pyromania.

Unfortunately, we cannot sleep early tonight as this is a national crisis that these terrorist groups will try to remove the joy from one of the holiest (if not, THE) days of our year. So lock your doors, take your rifles or shotguns out from the cupboard and look out the windows carefully tonight. Because whether you will have rain, sleet, snow, or even hail, the Nation of Islam and Atheists will try to destroy one of our great pillars of our country. We must be prepared for the worst so that we can celebrate Christmas tomorrow when we’re at our best.

If I don’t make it out alive because of the Atheists, I want my last written words to be: Merry Christmas and have a jovial new year. If you don’t hear from me again, you’ll know what happened. Merry CHRISTMAS.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a correspondent on religions that are not Christianity-affiliated or Judaism. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.