MISSION STATEMENT: Liberals And Their Liberal Friends Are Destroying America And We Need Your Help To Overthrow Their God

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief

 

America is potentially facing a crisis too difficult to overcome and we need your help.

If I can tell you one thing about this country, just one thing: we are the sum of our parts. The civil war taught us that, and that black people can be people too if they try really hard enough. This country is currently without a doubt at the height of total political polarization since FDR inflated the economy to cure polio for himself. But unlike the “wonder years” of the New Deal era, the executive branch right now is at its apex of megalomania. As a conservative news outlet, we are morally conflicted on how to perceive the one, Donald J. Trump. Ethically, we are way out the window. We don’t need ethics to make good journalism, we just need empirical facts in good news to more places than just talk radio and daytime television, but places like the World Wide Web. More people go on the internet for news then the ol’ timely American tradition of going to the radio, or waking up in the morning and begrudgingly making a cup of coffee to then sit down on a recliner and groan audibly before work. We conservatives must evolve our mediums in order to grow a more perfect union.

That’s where the “your” comes in from the headline, YOU(R), the average butt-scratching American, need to read US so that accurate, fact-checked information can be spread more quickly to the public. We need YOU(R) eyes, and your hearts. Be with us, and not them.

The Mainstream (read: liberal) Media is a threat to our free-flowing information outlet that we Americans love to call liberty. Outlets like CNN, NPR, and Breitbart News are owned by large media conglomerates. They claim to present news to cater to the audience of the common man, but they lie. They are the true fake news. I’m here to assure you that Bullshit News’ Mission, as the Founder and First Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News, is that we will not be owned by these mammoth mainstream media corporations*, and that we will provide you the news that YOU, the average middle-class American, deserve to read. We will not have any blockage or clutter to give you the news before the corporations and their stockholders meddle with it and correct it from their perspective.

We don’t tolerate that Bullshit.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA.

*Until we receive a check with an extraordinary amount of zeroes, preferably before the “.”

There Are Not Nearly Enough Guns In The United States

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

By common law, it is a fact that the United States’ #1 hobby involves hunting. All forms of hunting involve a firearm, as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment of the United States of America’s constitution. If the 2nd Amendment wasn’t important, it wouldn’t be #2. But America is facing a tragedy once again, as gun sales have declined over the past six months because of mainstream media liberal outrage. The liberals claim to support the 2nd Amendment, but demand “universal background checks”, a dog-whistle word for socialism. This is a national outrage that demands more media recognition, but of course, you won’t find any coverage of this issue except on Bullshit News. Let’s dive deep into it:

As discussed before on this website, teachers are not properly armed to defend themselves in case ISIS busts open their English class door and force children to start speaking in Islam. We refuse to teach children about firearm safety and protocol to defend themselves from communist ISIS intrusion. If America’s children can’t learn to defend themselves from birth to death, how can they guarantee their own safety? Parents can only do so much by purchasing firearms for every member of their family, including pets, but they can’t do everything. That’s why teachers ought to teach children on the use of firearms starting around pre-kindergarten, or kindergarten for the more “slower” kids. As every kid learns from the James Bond movies, the only way to stop an alleged “bad person with a gun” is a good person with a gun, which happens to be almost every American who has a gun.

We reached out to the NRA for a quote, but they did not respond for comment:

NRAContact1

Clearly, the NRA is working very hard to keep fighting the good fight. But perhaps the NRA doesn’t want to confront the fact that gun sales are declining, but rather trying to reinvent guns and appeal them to a younger or different demographic. The secretive nature of the NRA makes many liberals upset because they cannot process logic, unlike a noble conservative institution like Bullshit News or The Rush Limbaugh Show. As an experienced doctor and lawyer, I am an expert in critical thought, and it should be obvious the NRA is in deep thought over this sensitive issue of gun sales. My best thoughts and prayers are with the NRA in this tragic time. They should have an answer to the nation soon enough.

I looked for answers outside of the NRA, but college libraries in my nearby vicinity have barred me because of my “white privilege”. I do not understand how other common everyday Americans are not outraged by the fact they are not armed to defend themselves or concerned about the decline in gun sales. Instead, they talked about Santa Fe, New Mexico for some reason, which I refuse to believe is a U.S territory or state. These “people” are clearly part of the problem, and they can solve this problem by adequately defending themselves with a handgun. Remember, there may be bad people with guns (and their intentions are probably not related to the gun), but with enough good people with guns can outmatch and outduel all the alleged “bad people with guns”. There are no bad people with guns, only criminals. And criminals are not people, as President Trump uttered yesterday. So who are the bad people with guns? An urban fiction.

“Universal Background Checks” are precisely what the Stasi used to reclaim Germany as a communist state. But eventually, they failed, just as Democrats ordinarily do. The UBC’s are a threat to our national epidemic on the lack of guns per American citizen, and if the liberals keep complaining their way, it’s possible for these so-called “Universal Background Checks” to become more recognized as a form of gun censorship. These acts are not just against nature, but the First and Second Amendment of our God-fearing country. These are acts of malice waiting to happen, and we don’t have the research to know whether or not UBC’s will lead to fewer guns in our society. But the fewer people have access to guns, the more dangerous people become. You cannot deprive people of their basic human liberty to defend themselves. But because liberals are not people, they do not have the emotions to empathize with a passionate American who loves the Second Amendment just as liberals love running the government to the ground with budget deficits and needless taxing.

As we approach a national epidemic of a possible decline in gun sales, let us purchase as many firearms as we are able to for this and next week so we can do our best to make our country better prepared for terrorist acts of Godless Islamic Communism. Our founding fathers did not invent a constitution to submit themselves to the United Kingdom and their monarchic oppression. It has long been a national pastime to own a gun, and we can’t let liberals take what most Americans love. If we let liberals get away with “Universal Background Checks”, they will start to pry away at other freedoms until America becomes a communist nation, precisely what Barack Hussein Obama wanted to leave as his legacy.

Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

Solving The Israel/Palestine Thing

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Today marks the 70th year anniversary of Israel’s existence, as well as the official move of their embassy from Tel Aviv (a place) to Jerusalem, the holiest site on Earth where Jesus Christ of Nazareth roamed in the most important time of his life. Israel, in many ways, is America Jr. Israel is particularly strong in their liberty to freedom ratio and they dislike the evil scourge of Godless Islamic Atheism and liberalism on our planet. The president of Israel and the King Elder of Zion is Benjamin Netanyahu, often called “Bibi” by Israelis because he looks too much like a rabbit. Netanyahu is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, so he’s good for every God-fearing American Christian as well. Palestine, Israel’s neighbor, is the drug-addled Bullwinkle to Israel’s Rocky.

Israel is an important ally for America because they are the only country in the Middle East with a strong liberty to freedom ratio, and for helping assist American military technology with their Jewish physics. With the United States embassy’s move to Jerusalem, we Christians are better prepared for the end of the world, for the Bible in the book of Exodus states:

….And only when all those with traces of Judaism inside them fulfill all 613 commandments…. When the Jewish people have a modern nation-state that values capitalism, abhors socialism (communism), disavowal of Godless Islamic Atheism that heathen and burden society, and an embassy to the United States is in Jerusalem (Yerushalayim), only then can the end of times be saved by the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

(Exodus: 17:8-9)

So it is important for America to give military money to Israel, or tzedakah as the Jews call it. They are an ally that will forever have our back, and they charge us low-interest while we pay them. President Donald Trump did an important thing to enable these change of events, as the Islam-sympathizing Barack Hussein Obama regime would never allow Israel to pioneer freedom across the Middle East. Obama wanted Israel to be communist and equally distribute its liberty all across the Middle East, a batshit insane idea from the man who wanted all children in America to learn how to wear condoms and smoke crack at the same time, you know, “for experience”. But Donald Trump endorsed and helped make the Jerusalem embassy exist, as the Bible intended. Now Christians everywhere do not need to fear rapture when it comes soon, for they will be saved now. Unless they are a Catholic, then they will still have to apologize to God every week for being polytheists.

Israel, however, does and still has its fair share of problems, such as the fact they are completely surrounded by Godless Islamic Communist terrorist countries that do not believe in the morally positive values of liberty, freedom, and capitalism. But most importantly is that all of these countries are devoid of Jesus Christ, especially Israel. The biggest problem with Israel is that it’s a country filled with Jews, and Jewish people hate Jesus Christ because they are irrational God lovers. Jews are not to be trusted, would you trust someone who didn’t trust Jesus? Exactly.

So Israel has a complicated dilemma where they love America and liberty but hate the Godless Islamic Atheist Communist Heathens that surround them, and Jesus Christ. Israel has other problems as well, such as the Palestine issue and the Gaza thing. Palestine, and subsequently Gaza and its successful blonde sister, Mr. West Bank, are Israel’s closest neighbors that are neither Christian or Jewish. So naturally, they are an enemy of all freedom-loving peoples around the world. It’s hard to comprehend exactly what a “Palestine” is, but think of it as Mexico trying to kill Americans on a daily basis. They are the drug cartels of the Middle East, not well-loved by higher levels of the Godless Islamic Atheist Communist Terrorist spheres (Iran), and too good for the truly bottom tier terrorist countries (Anything that is not Iran, Saudi Arabia). If Palestine could just sell their pyramids to America, Israel or Belgium, they would appreciate capitalism for how it works rather than be lower class drug smugglers of the terrorist industry. But instead, Palestine will peddle for narcotics and other drugs and blame Israel for being pro-liberty and having a stronger military than theirs.

Israel is a mixed bag, with a strong share of positives over negatives. The Jews aren’t responsible for not loving Jesus Christ, but they are responsible for living in such an inhospitable land filled with countries ready to bomb America into submission should they ever try to steal American-Israeli intelligence. Israel is proof capitalism can work anywhere, even if you’re Christian or a non-believing Jew in the Middle East. Palestine should adopt more to capitalism and less communism if it wants to achieve legitimacy as a real big boy country. Palestine must cut down on doing drug deals like Venezuela or Peru, and start more aspirin companies or something to that effect.

But what Israel and Palestine both need to solve their ethnoreligious conflict is just one simple honest man: Jesus Christ. Jesus is the path to salvation and eternal glory, he’s God’s favorite child after all. We’re all made in his image, so why do both of these countries hit each other with weapons and instead look for common ground a bit more peacefully? Sure Israel likes to push and shove, but they’re well-intended. Palestine is an unorganized swarm of drug pushers and sleazy con artists that don’t aim to bomb Americans, just Israelis, Jews, and whoever in between. Israel should accept that Palestine is more of the reasonable aspects of terrorists, they only want to hurt the ones they don’t love, unlike most Godless Islamic Atheists. They have an ethos of some odd sort.

The senseless violence from both sides could just simply end if both of them just accepted Jesus Christ into their constitutions/livelihoods. The Palestinians can be sober, and the Jews can stop hitting things with Jesus involved in their peace process. He is there, fellow Jews and Palestinians, just accept him into your lives, and all this needless bloodshed can end and the parties can begin. And if not, you will be damned for an eternity. Christianity is knocking and sent invites to everyone, and Israel and Palestine better RSVP before the big man arrives.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Hindus, excluding Jews.

It’s Time To Disassociate Ourselves From France

Written by Sarah Napoli

France, the society of quitters and spitters that litter, is in a rut that we need to get out of. They did not like us when we attacked Iraq for having weapons of mass destruction or helping them free from fascism in World War II. Now France is upset that we ended the infamous and not good Iran Deal involving Obama, Iran, and art supplies. France has teamed up with the “United Kingdom” (soon to be the United Republic of England) and Germany, the land of the Nazis and communist-Democrats living together peacefully. France has long been a nuisance for the American government, and in many ways, they are the alcoholic uncle that can’t use his knees anymore because he can’t afford his free  Venezuelan socialized healthcare. Sometimes you just have to cut the fat in international affairs, and France is full of fat people waiting to be cut with a guillotine.

It is now high time to stop involving ourselves in French foreign affairs, not because they end up going to war and losing frequently (until the Iraq War, and that wasn’t without the help of America and leadership of George W. Bush), but because they are antithetical to the American ideas of freedom and liberty. France is known to change governments roughly every twenty years because of the French ideas of spitting, quitting,  cigarette smoking and laziness. The president of their pitiful country is a dim-witted bumbling millennial named Emmanuel Macron. Macron is one of the youngest leaders in the world today, beginning his career at age 16 he ran for French Congress because no one in his district wanted to run for Congress. He won easily and worked his way from there. Macron is a former socialist until he saw the light and began reading The Bible and Common Sense by Thomas Paine. Feeling enlightened by American literature, he decided to run for president against a better candidate, Marine Le Pen. Sadly, Le Pen lost after thinking Belgium and the Netherlands were French and Macron became president of France with a dunce cap on his head.

Macron is a weird fusion of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and Jeb! Bush. Two of those three men are ugly democrats, and one is a RINO nepotist. Macron was believed to try and “Americanize” France by adding more capitalist values onto his country, but he has instead decided to view his presidency like a Wall Street Democrat. He is a conflicted man with populist ideas and no mouth for action. He is a weak leader, and in many essences, an anti-Trump. In fact, I believe it’s almost been twenty years since France last purged their old government for this one, and France will surely turn into a novelty Western European state dependent on the Euro to breathe, like Portugal and Ancient Greece.

France is a country that is ready to blow (no pun intended) and start anew. The only responsibility the United States of America should have over France is preventing them from being a totalitarian communist state like they were four times in history. It’s like the stock market: France’s stock has peaked and is going to drop worse than Obama’s 2008 financial fiasco. Once England officially brexits, France’s economy will get even worse and they will plead to America and the European Union for assistance. It is our constitutional right to tell France to bugger off (pardon my French) and disassociate any involvement with their actions.  When France decides to be more like America again and become a financially independent country that doesn’t rely on the help of others, maybe then will be the time for America to associate with a country so barren with culture. Until then, America does not need France as much as they need America. If France doesn’t want to pull out of the awful Iran Deal, they should pull out of the European Union quickly.

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans.

Iran: Syria’s Other Evil Twin After Iraq

Written by Roger Goodmen

President Donald Trump has achieved history yet again. President Trump has decided to pull out from the horrible, terrible, no-good and very bad Iran Deal,  a trade deal from the immorberal (immoral + liberal) Obama regime from his apology tour to Iran. Obama would give taxpaying American dollars to initiate a “Big Government” in Iran while helping them acquire the abilities to use nuclear weapons to kill American citizens in their homes. In exchange, Iran would give “art supplies” and permit their women population to become literate and write books or something like that. Previous efforts from the Barack Obama regime to plague our public schools also involve supporting a 9-year-old’s “artwork” of positive imagery of Mohammed personally murdering Jesus Christ with a shoe, created in a public school classroom in Utah. This is what liberals define what “good art” looks like.

But today is not about liberals, it is about something just as bad. Iran has been a member of the “Axis of Evil” since 2003 when George W. Bush watched the Disney film, “Pirates of The Caribbean”. Syria, Iraq’s evil twin, has been involved in the news lately because of their freshman entry into the Terrorism War. Iran, Syria’s evil twin, has existed under Ruhollah al-Khomeini since 1979 after cutting his law-abiding Republican president with a samurai blade and drank his blood, as per tradition with Terrorist “governments”. The other countries that exist in or around the Axis of Evil are North Korea and Saudi Arabia. They might disagree between different methods of execution against God-loving Americans, but they all agree on one thing: the destruction of the United States of America and its Government. They will kill Americans until we surrender, which is impossible for America to do. Seriously, read your history books.

Iran is among one of the fiercest and perhaps the strongest country within the Axis of Evil. As I’ve written before on Bullshit News, I’m a strong proponent for nuking Iran. Consider that an ethics statement. Iran has gone on for far too long threatening the American way of life for letting women procreate peacefully. They have strong hostility over the idea of Freedom so they focus on war instead. Iran has existed for far too long because they used to be a middle-of-the-road Democracy, it existed for a while but was cut away by Al-Khomeini. They have become a terrorist country ever since, and they threaten our way of living. If they were to build nuclear weapons per the Iran Deal, we would all be blown to smithereens.

Iran has always planned to strike America with nuclear weapons, but they lack the capability of doing so until Obama came along. Obama worked with al-Khomeini on a particularly deceitful liberal trick, the “reverse psychology”. Obama’s gambit was that he was trying to trick al-Khomeini into loving capitalism, but al-Khomeini tricked Obama with feigned empathy with feminism. Barack Obama enabled feminist terrorism in exchange for arts and craft supplies. If he was going to make a trade deal with Iran, he could at least get some bombs or weapons at the worst, but he managed to be worse than worst. It was his defining foreign relations moment under his neoliberal fascist regime.

President Trump eliminating this needless Iran Deal was the right thing to do. The only regret over this decision is that it wasn’t the first thing President Trump did in the White House, instead of him looking for a phone booth. Iran will no longer be funded in their Nuclear Weapons department in their West Wing and will be given tougher and stronger sanctions than ever before. Barack Obama infamously lifted many of these sanctions in his apology tour to accomplish needless public relations for “his legacy”. Donald Trump has restored our decorum in the Middle East, because of his close relationship with God compared to Hillary Clinton. We exist because of God for very good reasons, so we should celebrate his legacy instead of the Hussein Obama. With Trump ending this no-good nonsense Iran Deal, we know that God is confident with Trump to make the right decision. And to be honest, that’s all that matters in life. If God wills it, so it is done. Nuke Iran, but only when they least expect it.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.