MISSION STATEMENT: Liberals And Their Liberal Friends Are Destroying America And We Need Your Help To Overthrow Their God

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief

 

America is potentially facing a crisis too difficult to overcome and we need your help.

If I can tell you one thing about this country, just one thing: we are the sum of our parts. The civil war taught us that, and that black people can be people too if they try really hard enough. This country is currently without a doubt at the height of total political polarization since FDR inflated the economy to cure polio for himself. But unlike the “wonder years” of the New Deal era, the executive branch right now is at its apex of megalomania. As a conservative news outlet, we are morally conflicted on how to perceive the one, Donald J. Trump. Ethically, we are way out the window. We don’t need ethics to make good journalism, we just need empirical facts in good news to more places than just talk radio and daytime television, but places like the World Wide Web. More people go on the internet for news then the ol’ timely American tradition of going to the radio, or waking up in the morning and begrudgingly making a cup of coffee to then sit down on a recliner and groan audibly before work. We conservatives must evolve our mediums in order to grow a more perfect union.

That’s where the “your” comes in from the headline, YOU(R), the average butt-scratching American, need to read US so that accurate, fact-checked information can be spread more quickly to the public. We need YOU(R) eyes, and your hearts. Be with us, and not them.

The Mainstream (read: liberal) Media is a threat to our free-flowing information outlet that we Americans love to call liberty. Outlets like CNN, NPR, and Breitbart News are owned by large media conglomerates. They claim to present news to cater to the audience of the common man, but they lie. They are the true fake news. I’m here to assure you that Bullshit News’ Mission, as the Founder and First Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News, is that we will not be owned by these mammoth mainstream media corporations*, and that we will provide you the news that YOU, the average middle-class American, deserve to read. We will not have any blockage or clutter to give you the news before the corporations and their stockholders meddle with it and correct it from their perspective.

We don’t tolerate that Bullshit.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA.

*Until we receive a check with an extraordinary amount of zeroes, preferably before the “.”

First Fatal Marijuana Overdose Reported In San Pedro, California

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Once thought to be a “safe” drug with “medicinal value”, a marijuana death was reported in the mid-sized city in Los Angeles County, California overnight. The death of the majorly drug-addicted young man, aged 36, is Xhris Winthrop. Xhris was much like any other “normal marijuana user”, he pretended to have a job to pay off his debts to his drug dealer and his community college, or both. Xhris was like any marijuana-addled teenager, trying to become a personal trainer in order to acquire capital to hopefully find a mate to copulate with and create more productive hard-working Americans that vote Republican. Instead, Xhris’s dreams were crushed by smoking too much marijuana, choking his lungs to a point where Xhris could no longer breathe due to the heavy marijuana smoke that riddled his rented apartment. He is survived by his mom, Erica Winthrop, and his step-sister, Jessica.

The Democrats and the millennial youth are promoting drug culture in America at a time where the War on Drugs is becoming deadlier and deadlier. Democrats claim that laws against drug use are actually racist, which doesn’t make any sense. As we all know, Donald Trump banned racism in 2018. Any further use of drugs past that point cannot be connected to the absolute horrors of racism and acts merely as a strawman for the ineptitude of the Democrat Party “thought” process. Marijuana, for the millennials unaware of the danger, is a no ordinary drug. It is a gateway drug, a drug that makes you believe other dangerous drugs like Heroin and Cocaine are acceptable and won’t kill you. It isn’t a gateway to Heaven as the addicts would like you to believe, it is a gateway to hell, where sinners and heavy metal fanatics live and play their jazz music all the time. Marijuana controls your thought process into doing more marijuana until you are “fed up with your highs” and decide to “munch on” a deadlier high. Xhris is merely the first person to succumb to the true dangers of marijuana that have been in scientific studies since the late 1930s.

Xhris was merely a casualty in a war that cares not for humanity but cares for the end of human normalcy. The drug culture that swept America in the 1960s has permeated over the American consciousness today. Once President Nixon declared that drugs were a serious threat to the American economy, efforts to maximize drug illegalization initiated, and have prevented an upwards of over two million deaths in America since. Sadly, Xhris was not one of those easily preventable deaths, even if he only used the “safe drug” that is/was marijuana. But as we mourn his grave, his death gives us all a stark reminder that no drug can ever be truly “safe” for consumption. Drugs alter your brain’s chemistry leading to poor decision making and creating a more difficult thought process. To be wise is to abstain from all drugs and going to Church every Sunday to wash away any unneeded sins that someone like Xhris would use drugs for comfort instead of taking the easier route to go to Church on Sundays. If only Xhris did that, he would probably still be alive today.

It is unfortunate now that Xhris is a martyr for the marijuana drug culture, even being considered a “hero” and a “legend” for his unremarkable ability to consume vast quantities of marijuana. The hippies on the left have no regard for life, which explains their radical support for abortion, or the killing of unborn children. But now we all know that marijuana, the king of all gateway drugs, can still kill. It is morally irredeemable for Democrats to claim that Marijuana and its “CBD” cousin are healthy and “medical” for people that claim they need medical assistance. What’s next from the Democrat Party, Medical Alcohol? Prescriptions for Cocaine and Heroin to cure cancer? LSD for infants? This is the future presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren want when they mean they want to end the War on Drugs, they want the drugs to win.

Drugs kill, no matter the drug. The Democrat Party wants to keep moving America towards an unsafe overdose of narcotics. The Republican Party, the party that actually cares for American progress, wants to make sure you and your kids are safe and free from all drugs. Abstinence is the best and only system to instill a clean mind, and marijuana is not an exception. Xhris Winthrop, unfortunately, learned it the hard way, but unlike the Democrat Party, he at least can learn from his mistakes in the afterlife, if he’s lucky enough to be accepted into Heaven after being a drug fiend. Don’t end up like Xhris kids, WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Are Leaf Blowers Turning American Men Into Homosexuals?

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

One of the finest American-machine inventions, the leaf blower, was crafted in the industrial age when the pursuit of life, living, and the other less-useful pursuit of happiness were distinguished American rights so long as you followed and dedicated your life towards Manifest Destiny. Such inventions like the Leaf Blower and the DVD Rewinder are sublime examples of America’s passion for innovation and desire to be many steps ahead of the world when it comes to technology. However, just because technology is serviceable to the majority of people on our planet does not necessarily mean that it is good. Rather, it can be a cautionary tale about mankind’s efforts to thwart technology has failed, and that technology is really the ones controlling us. Rather than indulge in some liberal science fiction piece, there is a serious problem on our hands with American blue-collar technology: it is turning our precious masculine American men into American-hating homosexuals.

The Leaf Blower, in particular, is an invention of the USSR and Mexico as a way to get rid of a swarm of leaves that plagued the Mexican-USSR embassy. An invention combined from two nefarious countries, the origin story of the Leaf Blower has been disputed by the CNN-led FBI and CIA. Undisclosed documents presented to us by an anonymous employee of the NSA have given us more extensive details about the real reasons why the Leaf Blower is still around despite massive improvements to American technology over the decade. Nowadays, if ones’ house has a major leaf problem, lasers may be used to burn the leaves into nothingness or leaves can be tossed away via the use of a shovel, but for some odd reason, the leaf blower is still around and always announces its presence.

The Mexicans and Communist Russians designed the device to be as noisy as possible in order to attract inventors to the device as a way to let them know that it works, but that same noise that leaf blowers create also emits a low-frequency oscillator signal that can only be heard if ones’ brain orients in a homosexual manner. These signals are effectively a form of radio that only homosexuals and the occasional lesbian can hear. Bullshit News could not find a strong confident gay conservative man to help us decode what these signals are, but it’s not just morse code, it’s something (possibly) far, far worse. It’s a form of terrorist communication that can be used by ISIS or Islamic Jihad to crush America and cause another 9/11 attack, effectively making leaf blowers an object of terrorism.

But leaf blowers do more than just cause terrorism and/or let it happen, the leaf blower appears on the outside like a common, heteronormative tool for yard work. The leaf blower is very attractive to the American homosexual market due to its sound capabilities. It’s noisy, vuvuzela-like mating call attracts many homosexuals and Catholics to the call of duty–to move leaves away from a desired area. Leaf Blowers are known to be common apparatuses in the night club/discotheque scene, very much so in Europe. Once a symbol of blue-collar labor has now become a “gay icon”, or a reputable image of the homosexual agenda. Because of its un-American roots and recent acclaim from the gay community, it is time to make leaf blowers illegal in America as they will threaten the next generation of proud and strong young American men, and will discourage them from joining the armed forces because they will find leaf blowers more engaging than rocket launchers. That is not an America for my son to grow up in to find a suitable mate and bring them to church.

My son is going to become a pastor much like my great-grandfather and his son like my father, and yet my son can’t stop going outside with his leaf blower trying to find the “Pokemon Go”. He doesn’t know that the Mexican-USSR created homosexual agenda-supporting device is trying to convert him under its homosexual spell, and I fear as a parent and not a minister of Jesus that he will not follow our families’ honored commitment toward God and helping our community. Instead, he uses the leaf blower to find his “Charizard” or “Shiny Pidgey”, and doesn’t even care about Exodus or Leviticus! I’m worried these leaf blowers will be used to suck up our children and spit them away from the Bible. My child should be cherished in a world where all he needs to do is to go on his knees and praise Jesus every day, he does not need to worry about Pokemon or leaf blowers!!

Because of these actions, my church has effectively banned the leaf blower as I now understand that it lures homosexuality towards our house of God, and something so abhorrent like homosexuality cannot possibly be part of communion with Jesus himself. I can see why Catholics would like and employ the use of the Leaf Blower, but not with my personal relationship with God and my church. Once the Gay Agenda tried to recruit my son with the Pokemon Go, that’s when I knew action had to be taken. Purge the leaf blowers and read the good book!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrianism, excluding Unitarianism. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Klansman To Run For Senate

Written by Dan Shapiro

John Klansman, of Mobile, Alabama, has announced his bid to run for Senate in 2020. Klansman, who previously served as the chief of staff to former Alabama Attorney General Jeff Sessions, known for his time as a freedom rider and pious devotion to law and order. His liberal challenger is Doug Jones, a notorious porn addict. Doug Jones has allowed abortions, literally actions of infanticide, to come into Alabama from the southern border and struck a Republican stronghold. But his reign of terror will end swiftly when a real Republican like John Klansman will run against (D)oug Jones in November 2020.

Klansman, an 8th generation Alabaman native, has followed his family’s time-honored heritage of paralegal work, having experience as a property law attorney and civil work as a solicitor for the state of Alabama. Unlike Doug Jones, Klansman pursued a lifetime’s work towards law and order. A longtime attorney for Alabama, Klansman is also a passionate advocate for State’s Rights and a known humanitarian voice for the Death Penalty. Democrat Jones, in contrast, admitted to smoked multiple marijuana “bong” hits in college until he decided that he wanted to be a U.S Senator that he just learned about from his political science courses!

Klansman, a Crimson Tide over War Eagle, has long honored the Alabama State Code and a staunch opponent of drugs. Klansman is known to be tough on crime, which is the only legal standard that Bullshit News desires out of any attorney turned politician running for office.  Klansman has a long storied history in the courtroom, and his knowledge about politics and other legal things will be integral for maintaining Senate decorum. As we all know, Washington DC can be a very lawless and frightening place (outside the Oval Office), and the only men who can tough it out are Republican Senators from Republican States. Take Mitch McConnell, a clean-cut regular everyday average normal man from Kentucky. If Mitch was not the Leader of the Senate, all of Congress would be in flames over the Democratic Party’s support for anarchism. Only a tough average regular Republicans like McConnell, and Klansman, can give order to a land that is the Las Vegas of politics.

Klansman faces his primary challenge over the other legal superstar of Alabama, Roy Moore. Moore has faced unusual controversy over allegations of sexual behavior that have been deemed deviant by the mainstream media. While Moore currently has a 1.2% lead over Klansman in favorability rankings, and like Klansman has a long and storied career in the law, Roy might not be the strongest candidate to defeat porn-enabler Doug Jones. As Klansman is neck and neck with Roy Moore over the nomination, we here at Bullshit News officially endorse John Klansman for we believe he is tougher on crime and more capable of healing our nation than Roy Moore and his failure to win an incredibly easy election. If Roy Moore failed once, we cannot possibly depend on him no matter how great his platform and policy are. Anyone that loses to a Democrat in an election is not strong enough as a conservative to help save our country from eternal damnation. We’re going to play it safe this time, and there is no safer candidate that can protect us from the immorality of Congress and our Atheist-driven society, than John Klansman.

Vote on November 3rd, 2020 for Jon Klansman. A victory for Klansman is a victory for America.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on GOP Politics, the 2020 presidential elections, and Iran. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “own” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.

Bullshit News Investigates: What Is The Clinton Foundation?

Written by Alexander Jones

Bullshit News recently disclosed that Bullshit News received an undisclosed amount of money from an anonymous donor to be funded for Bullshit News’s new investigative series. Bullshit News hired Alexander Jones, a former detective turned investigative journalist to produce original investigations for the public’s benefit. In his recent report, Alexander has discovered shocking truths the public forgot or intentionally ignored from the Clinton Foundation.

 

But before I can begin about the Clinton Foundation, I have to bring up the Supreme company. Supreme is a clothing company based in New York City which is coincidentally in the same city as the main headquarters of the Clinton Foundation. Supreme is a fashion brand company that is well-liked among the 18-35 and 13-18 demographics in America, the same demographics that voted for Hillary more than they did for President Trump. Notice something? Well, I did, so I had to look more into this sinister “Supreme” company that has no affiliation with the Supreme Court.

The Supreme company is one with vague business ties and curious cases of philanthropy that don’t disclose their donors or where the money in the “Supreme” company goes, a curious business model no different at all from the Clinton Foundation. Supreme claims to provide various forms of its brand logo, illustrated by a professional courtroom sketch artist below, in forms of commercial and consumer goods or so they say.

supreme
Logo of Supreme, notice the C. Does it stand for copyright, or the Clinton Foundation?

I traveled to many stores in my nearby shopping goods area, and could not find any store or any product with the “Supreme” logo or related gear anywhere. I looked at every possible store including the massage parlors and hair salons to make sure this so-called fashion product wasn’t some form of illicit propaganda mind control device, or if they were even a real company, to begin with. I wasn’t satisfied with my brazen attempt to find the truth, so I looked up more shopping good supply areas in my nearby big city, Louisville, to find more “Supreme” stores or gear. After spending two more days looking at shopping malls and massage parlors, I could not find any single Supreme-branded device. To make sure I went to every possible business venue in the various areas I traveled to, I even went inside the liberal tourist trap known as “sex stores”. They did not even have, to quote the shopkeeper, “a supreme dildo nor a pair of supreme whips and chains”, whatever those are. It looked like I was out of luck.

Then, I hit a brick wall. Literally. I had to go to the hospital for a few weeks as all the investigation that I was doing regarding the Clinton Foundation stressed me out from the lack of sleep and peripheral awareness from working too hard to find the truth. Once I recovered and left the hospital, I looked at the sun and realized I found the link. The Clinton Foundation, an unscrupulous “philanthropic” organization that gives money to Godless barbaric Islamic terrorists and so-called “street artist hip-hop rappers” to “better and further venture the American public lifestyle”. Those two groups have another major elephant in the room in commonality with each other that doesn’t involve the Clinton Foundations’ money, and that is they are the biggest target audiences for the Supreme corporation. How could this be?

You see, Supreme is nothing more than a commercial front for the Clinton Foundation, which is infamous for its lack of transparency it shares with Supreme. Supreme owns no stores but owns various business ventures throughout America’s biggest cities, allegedly. The Clinton Foundation claims to help a variety of businesses and terrorist organizations but hasn’t been transparent with the specific numbers or even the names and locations of these so-called “businesses” that have received their aid. In my effort to find these numbers, I sent numerous emails to the Clinton Foundation, John Podesta (a name I’ve heard related to both the Clinton Foundation and Supreme), and Hillary Clinton herself. Sadly, I did not get any response back, and I’ve also filed numerous FOIA requests that have all been denied for ominous, unspecified reasons.

I was almost ready to move the issue of the Clinton Foundation into a cold case until I was given a mysterious phone call from an unknown number (according to my callerID device). A man with some form of vocoder called saying he was from an anonymous political front known as “The Carlyle Group” informed me that his political group owned Supreme and “a couple of shares” in the Clinton Foundation and warned me that the Clinton Foundation was a front for more international globalist ideology, an attempt to control the millennial cohort and warned me that if I tried to find Supreme or investigated further then what he just told me, “American soldier lives may be at stake”. As I aggressively inquired for more information, he hung up. Due to the respect of his relatively open nature for a liberal, I have decided to protect this source from public identification. But with the little that he revealed to me has opened a much deeper rabbit hole.

Neglecting that my own life is at a larger risk now than ever before, I found out “The Carlyle Group” owns half of the Supreme Company as a private equity company, a company that specializes in the economic principle of liberty. The Carlyle Group owns or has investments in many entities that allow America to function blissfully like Dunkin Donuts and Kinder Morgan. Their investments in the Clinton Foundation remain relatively minimal at the time of this writing (roughly 3%), backing what Charles Walton, who I deduced by various form of “googling” was my anonymous source, has said about Supreme and the Clinton Foundation.

There wasn’t much more I could find out about the Clinton Foundation beyond this information, but it’s more than enough to see the links between Hillary Clinton’s illicit business connections to her failed attempt at running for president. From my conclusions, it appears that Hillary Clinton wanted to become President of our United States to illicitly profit off of the lives of terrorism and the skateboarders that would vote for her. There is obviously a lot more to this story then what I have reported, so this remains an active case. I have already potentially put a few peoples lives like Charles Walton in danger but that’s the risk I have to take being a fearless investigative journalist living hellbent to uncover the untold truths in our world.

 

If you or someone you love may be a communist, a radical, a socialist, an anarchist, or if you think there is a cabal of elites trying to categorize the world or attempt to dismantle our countries’ unity, you can contact me or Don Kaftan (via donkaftan@bullshitnews.org ) from that email. Every American secret must be unveiled in order to protect our democracy from lurking threats that try to pry liberty from our God-given rights. We deserve to know the truth, we are Americans after all.

Alexander Jones is a fierce investigative journalist dedicating to finding the real truth blurred by the mainstream globalist media. Alexander Jones is a strong advocate for libertarianism, liberty, and raw rib eye steak. In his spare time away from journalism, Alexander enjoys hunting and keyboard/synthesizer music. An animal advocate throughout his life, he currently owns five hunting dogs, two purebred horses, and two cats. Although he is an advocate for the survival of the fittest Darwinism, he is a Pentecostal Christian who always–ALWAYS spends time with Jesus and The Lord on Sundays.