Written by Dan Shapiro
John Klansman, of Mobile, Alabama, has announced his bid to run for Senate in 2020. Klansman, who previously served as the chief of staff to former Alabama Attorney General Jeff Sessions, known for his time as a freedom rider and pious devotion to law and order. His liberal challenger is Doug Jones, a notorious porn addict. Doug Jones has allowed abortions, literally actions of infanticide, to come into Alabama from the southern border and struck a Republican stronghold. But his reign of terror will end swiftly when a real Republican like John Klansman will run against (D)oug Jones in November 2020.
Klansman, an 8th generation Alabaman native, has followed his family’s time-honored heritage of paralegal work, having experience as a property law attorney and civil work as a solicitor for the state of Alabama. Unlike Doug Jones, Klansman pursued a lifetime’s work towards law and order. A longtime attorney for Alabama, Klansman is also a passionate advocate for State’s Rights and a known humanitarian voice for the Death Penalty. Democrat Jones, in contrast, admitted to smoked multiple marijuana “bong” hits in college until he decided that he wanted to be a U.S Senator that he just learned about from his political science courses!
Klansman, a Crimson Tide over War Eagle, has long honored the Alabama State Code and a staunch opponent of drugs. Klansman is known to be tough on crime, which is the only legal standard that Bullshit News desires out of any attorney turned politician running for office. Klansman has a long storied history in the courtroom, and his knowledge about politics and other legal things will be integral for maintaining Senate decorum. As we all know, Washington DC can be a very lawless and frightening place (outside the Oval Office), and the only men who can tough it out are Republican Senators from Republican States. Take Mitch McConnell, a clean-cut regular everyday average normal man from Kentucky. If Mitch was not the Leader of the Senate, all of Congress would be in flames over the Democratic Party’s support for anarchism. Only a tough average regular Republicans like McConnell, and Klansman, can give order to a land that is the Las Vegas of politics.
Klansman faces his primary challenge over the other legal superstar of Alabama, Roy Moore. Moore has faced unusual controversy over allegations of sexual behavior that have been deemed deviant by the mainstream media. While Moore currently has a 1.2% lead over Klansman in favorability rankings, and like Klansman has a long and storied career in the law, Roy might not be the strongest candidate to defeat porn-enabler Doug Jones. As Klansman is neck and neck with Roy Moore over the nomination, we here at Bullshit News officially endorse John Klansman for we believe he is tougher on crime and more capable of healing our nation than Roy Moore and his failure to win an incredibly easy election. If Roy Moore failed once, we cannot possibly depend on him no matter how great his platform and policy are. Anyone that loses to a Democrat in an election is not strong enough as a conservative to help save our country from eternal damnation. We’re going to play it safe this time, and there is no safer candidate that can protect us from the immorality of Congress and our Atheist-driven society, than John Klansman.
Vote on November 3rd, 2020 for Jon Klansman. A victory for Klansman is a victory for America.
Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on GOP Politics, the 2020 presidential elections, and Iran. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “own” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.