Captain Crunch Cultivates Controversy For Creating Positive Christian Message

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

Captain Crunch, a remarkable American icon from the good creators of PepsiCo and Quaker Oats, has generated a lot of liberal outrage over a supposed changing in slogans from the old clichéd, “Crunch-a-tize me, Captain!” to a modern and positive phrase, “Proselytize me, captain!”. Liberals, outraged and blinded by the very existence of living in a Christian country, have filed in their FCC complaints and believe the positive uplifting message of Captain Crunch’s gospel should not be spread to our downbeat defenseless children.

PepsiCo has denounced claims that their message was intended to spread awareness of our Good Lord, Jesus Christ. Pepsi merely claims that “proselytize” is an active ingredient to replace high-fructose corn syrup, a controversial thing to liberals because they’re worried about their kids adding an extra five pounds to the camera for their so-called “headshots” (not to be confused with the American past time of ending a terrorist’s life). Liberals think that “proselytize” is a word that means actively trying to convert someone to the plaintiff’s religion. This is demonstrably false. “Proselytize” is a laboratory-invented chemical compound that God-fearing Scientists believe can solve the obesity epidemic. And above all else, why would one of the leading cereal brands on planet earth want to convert millions of people to Christianity? They would be doing that anyway. Why would a cereal company deliberately change their popular slogan into something potentially divisive? If you said that Captain Crunch has GMO’s (and probably does anyways but who cares), that would really be the spicy hot sauce that makes the lactose intolerant lefties go crazy.

Perhaps we should discuss what this new chemical compound, “proselytize” is all about. The rational scientists behind this discovery have said that “proselytize” breaks down fat cells and lipids better than regular old sugar can do. But because “proselytize” is a new recent invention from the minds of the most esteemed scientists employed by Pepsi, liberals are also worried that monkeys, rats, or some kind of possum ilk were tested in labs to prove the scientist’s hypothesis that the “proselytize” chemical really works. And it did. But dumb-o-crats are still outraged because their politics revolves around begging people to do things rather than actually putting in any effort or work to what they desire to achieve. Rather than care for the ultimate goal at the end: eliminating obesity, they would rather bicker and stall progress in our society. And they wonder why things don’t get done at Capitol Hill.

Democrats don’t like Jesus, and that’s not news to anyone. They are worried about nothing while making America succumb to the pussification complex that troubles our nation’s young men. We should all applaud PepsiCo and Quaker Oats for working together to tackle obesity by the jugular rather than condemn their potentially questionable methods of doing so. The only way Americans will have fewer health problems is if they consume cereals or other foods with the new “proselytize” ingredient stored in its crunchy goodness.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters and is the resident in-house centenarian. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer still drives his Ford Model-T from his boyhood years. 

When Will Our Children Learn To Shoot Back?

Written by Roger Goodmen

A sad and terrible tragedy has occurred in America today. Another senseless tragedy of a Godless Islamic heathen committing violence against defenseless teenagers that could have been easily prevented with an AR-15. We here at Bullshit News express our deepest thoughts, condolences, and prayers to the children at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. No one should be shot at unless they are committing a crime.

Recently, mass shootings have been a problem in America, like opioid overdosing and liberals. Like Heroin, it became popular in the 90’s, when two gamer losers that went to Columbine High School did the Columbine thing. These children do not learn to defend themselves in school but merely run around their school or specified football field as a means to run away from their problems. This is irresponsible and an example of the waste that the Obama Administration handed over to Trump in order to give him a more difficult time in office. These defenseless children can’t run away from their problems like bullying and opioids, they need to learn how to shoot back, and hard.

I don’t mean to be convoluted, but if just one of these boys at school were allowed to have a gun, we would not have to make this article. No amount of Kung Fu, Karate, or Krav Maga will stop a gun to the face, let alone a semi-automatic sporting rifle. The fists can write, but they cannot penetrate the skull, spleen, or bones. Our children do not know proper firearm protocol, and we see the consequences. Libtards, before offering any prayers or thoughts of the sort, complain after every single mass shooting that certain members of the noble Republican party have received money from the NRA. Well of course they have. What’s wrong with that? Do you know how much money each Democrat congressman receives from lobbying efforts? That horrible argument from leftists promotes logical fallacies. It’s a feature, not a bug.

Our children need to learn how to shoot back, to save themselves and ourselves from having to write more articles about tragedies. They need to stop learning Algebra and start learning how to use a handgun, it’s a lot more practical. Algebra was invented by Godless Islamic heathens to pass time in the 600’s or whatever. A handgun was invented to protect your ass from someone trying to stab you. We are living in a world where virtual reality video games exist to warn us the dangers of abortion, so why do innocent kids and women die from these senseless violent thugs that have nothing better to do than express their Second Amendment rights in public?

Our children must learn that being an American means adequately defending yourself no matter the scenario, whether it’s a mass shooting at a postal office, at a movie theater, airports, YMCAs, zoos, so-called “gun free zones”, or a public school. Americans are aware to be alert and to be prepared, so it is necessary that our children learn to defend themselves from the inevitability of death by learning how to use a firearm for self-preservation from our public schools. It is the only sound solution for a horrific and awful tragedy that can be easily prevented by purchasing more guns to defend ourselves from the horrible people out there.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

The Obama Administration Continues To Promote Blasphemy In Our Public Schools

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

That damning lie created by hell child Charles Darwin has corrupted our ways of thinking in our God-fearing commie-fighting country. American children are subjected to liberal textbooks and “science classes” designed to promote polytheistic religions like Islam, the Deist dudes, and Catholicism. Quite frankly it is absolutely disgusting and abhorrent. The education system in the United States is a swamp filled with political correctness and proselytizing hedonism that promotes the immoral ways of reproduction. And worst of all, they educate the belief that there may be more than one God.

One of the worst classes our beloved children must attend in secondary school is “Biology”, where they do not learn germ theory, but gender theory. The theory that there are “an endless amount of genders” because evolution claims that we come from monkey clams fishing in the sea! Preposterous! Who could believe this leftist trash? What sort of hippie Gestapo cult lies within the Trump Administration? How can Betsy DeVos allow this kind of “knowledge” to be spread to children who don’t know how to speak formal coherent sentences? And don’t let me begin about what they teach about “sexual reproduction”.

Why must our children be subjected to Catholicism? My female off-spring, Annabelle, goes to our local public school and she told me, “Meep, Alfalfa, and the Holy Ghost”. I nearly had a heart attack. Why does my child know about this polytheistic chant from my public education school? It is a shame that our government cannot be perfect, but we cannot shame Betsy DeVos for inheriting this evil Islam education from the “Barack Hussein Obama” administration that poisoned our White House a decade ago. There is much cleaning and praying to do before our Protestant education system is purified again. Mike Pence needs to have a closer inspection to these schools that teach the damned evolution mythos as a fact. We KNOW Earth is six thousand years old, and our education system refuses to update their eighty-year-old textbooks that teach these Communist lies.

I must confess a family tragedy, Annabelle came back to public school Thursday evening and converted to Judaism. She converted because she noticed one of her so-called “friends” at lunch-hour eat a Jew food known as “Lox”. Annabelle had one bite of the “Lox”, and her religion that I worked so hard to spread the good Gospel of Jesus, just left me like that. I’m still disgusted to my core that my daughter is Jewish, and it’s not fair. I told her I will not drive her to their services because services to the Lord are reserved for Sundays, and she tells me that I can’t drive her to “Synagogue” because their “God” says they are not permitted to work on the day of rest and driving is seen as working. What sort of convoluted and bureaucratic faith is that? Why does this Judaism have that many strict and specific rules? What sort of God do these Jews pray to, Buddha? Abraham? Genghis Khan? They clearly need Jesus to simplify their views on life. With Jesus, it’s like one CAPTCHA away from being admitted into Heaven. The only password you need is God.

Yet my daughter prefers the “Lox” and “Saturday Services with acoustic guitars” over the good Lord and Sunday Bible stories. This would never have been possible if it weren’t for our corrupt Education system being swamped from the Hussein Obama education abomination creating these “Common Core” principles. What is “common” for “Obama” is abnormal, irregular, and absolute BLASPHEMY that has not been purged from our government system. But it does not remove my faith in our sacred country. America is still #1 in everything important about being a free American in the world.
Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including druids, excluding polytheists.

Happy Glorious Eternal Consumer Capitalism Extravaganza Fiesta!

Written by Deborah Schlasser

It is another glorious Sunday afternoon where we all indulge on the frankfurters, pigskins, and the almighty fashionable dollar. You read correctly, it’s “Superb Owl” day, where every American consumer has lined up their money for proper cushion rest, chips (WITHOUT SALSA, AN UNAMERICAN CONDIMENT), the pigskin, and most important, the advertising. Yes, folks, it’s a game of two very good NFL teams, the Philadelphia Whatevers and the eternal Tom Brady/Bill Bellichek football team by way of Massachusetts or some god-forsaken north-eastern state. Nevertheless, the almighty dollar rolls forward today and there’s nothing the no-good liberal-hating stock marketeers can do anything about it!

The NFL will reward consumers with entertainment, in exchange for a glorious percentage of gross revenue will come their way, without a single player acting out of line during the eternal everlasting National Anthem. This is the America our founding fathers envisioned, a land where we call peacefully watch a sixty-minute football game that determines who is the greatest football team of all time that year, while America’s national revenue jumps up remarkably. This is truly the greatest holiday right after Christmas, the 4th of July, and Black Friday. The “Superb Owl” day is one that has been etched into the American way ever since Ronald Reagan desired better ratings for his 1981 inauguration, which the “superb owl” game was previously known as the “NFL Championship game” without the advertising success its successor, the “Superb Owl”, would later achieve. Ronald Reagan came into office inventing a holiday to drive the American economy more than any Carter or Clinton presidency could achieve and on his first day in office!

So today, we honor our lost Founding Father, Ronald Reagan, by seeing which of two NFL teams is superior and which broadcast channel provider will reek in the prized allotted advertising revenue it gets to share with the NFL. It is a high and esteemed honor for the cable provider to give us this “Superb Owl” pigskin sport game for they continue a time-honored American tradition of sitting down on the sofa, drinking the beers, and eating as much food as you can eat provided from the Walmart or Vons grocery department that has an indispensable amount of chips and nacho cheese for America’s arteries to handle.

Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears. Deborah is a fan of winning and has a strong hatred of losing, hence why she is a devout conservative!

Popular Millenial Entertainer Kendrick Lamar: “I Voted For Donald Trump Because It Was The Right Thing To Do”

Written by Rachel Gilfords

Rachel Gilfords, Bullshit News’ on-site reporter and White House Correspondent, recently sat down with an interview of popular neo-funk Prince neophyte entertainer Kendrick Lamar from a hip-hop “collective” called “Black Hippy”. Kendrick re-assured us that no one in “Black Hippy” was really a hippy, but they are all black, however.


Rachel Gilfords: First of all thank you, Mr. Kendrick Lamar, for spending your time with Bullshit News today.

Kendrick Lamar: No problem, thank you for having me.

RG: What is like to appeal towards these millennial folks that are of your age?

KL: Honestly it’s been a blessing since day one. About five or so years ago, Jesus talked to me about a year after I released my debut album, “Good Kid, M.A.A.D City”. He told me how influential, how marketable I was to so many people across the world, not just America. I learned from Jesus how to use my voice for favoring limited government and spreading His word.

RG: How do you view the 2016 Presidential Election?

KL: It’s a travesty. You had Crooked Hillary vs. Long Dong Donald and, to me, both were really sickening candidates.

RG: What was so vile about Hillary Clinton?

KL: She’s a career politician. She’s not a trustworthy person by definition. Donald Trump, a career businessman, I can trust to decrease our deficit spending and able to balance our insane budget. Hillary would probably do it but would sleaze her way into doing it for her second term.

RG: You know Kendrick you’re a very intelligent black young man.

KL: I’m thirty years old.

RG: Sure, sure but who’s counting? Who did you vote for?

KL: Well, I voted for Donald Trump because it was the right thing to do. I talked about it with Jesus dozens of times, it wasn’t fair to me that America gridlocked herself into having a very black-and-white morality two-party system that pits American society into dichotomies. Urban/rural, rich/poor, black/white, it’s just a giant shame we can’t fix things. Hillary would only obstruct her way into trying to help the poor but Trump would at least lie about it in a very blunt, straight-forward manner. I want to know what’s in my food when it comes to politics.

RG:  What else did Jesus tell you?

KL: Hillary and Bill Clinton should not be trusted.

RG: No, I mean what else did He tell you?

KL: Jesus told me to come to and say Russians had nothing to do with the 2016 election or about Donald Trump aside from some business deals. Jesus also told me we should all just move along with our lives and donate 10% of our salary to our churches.

RG: Fascinating stuff. Thank you for your time Kendrick, anything else you want to add?

KL: We should be happy Hillary Rodham Clinton is not our president.

RG: Thank you, Kendrick.


As a popular millennial entertainer, Kendrick Lamar has a large influence among the youth. His voice matters in defining the future generation of America, it’s nice to see a popular generational talent having true conservative Republican views.


Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Net Neutrality: The Liberal Menace You Might Not Have Heard Before

Written by Aaron Lau

Net Neutrality is an Obama-created term used by liberals to justify bureaucratic government regulation to kill jobs and restrict the flow of information to our society. As an honorable writer from the earliest eras of Geocities, I believe this net neutrality myth is not good for America to keep going and we should all be proud that FCC Chairman Ajit Pai is killing the Obama cancer that has infected our society. Thank you, Ajit Pai for making the Internet free again!

Continue reading “Net Neutrality: The Liberal Menace You Might Not Have Heard Before”

Antifa Supersoldiers Are KILLING AMERICANS IN THEIR OWN HOME Over Americans Saying “Merry Christmas” Instead Of The Liberally-Correct “Happy Hollidays”

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-in-Chief, and Founder

We have more depressing news today, little Timmy from Grand Forks, North Dakota was gunned down this morning from the anarchist and Democratic party faction called “Antifa”, which allegedly is short for “Anti-Fascist”. Antifa claims to be a “citizen’s organization dedicating to preparing for and fighting against fascism”. As usual with Democrats, they are hypocritical in their aims and really seek to take-over the state and replace it with fascism. Hmmm, this kind of story sounds familiar, does anyone remember how Stalin came into power from the USSR? He did the exact same thing these “Antifa” folks are doing. Sickening.

There is a specialized branch in Antifa, where they inject their best men/women/third rails with tons of anabolic Tom Brady-endorsed steroids and quaaludes to bulk their soldiers to become Supersoldiers, which I had to infer is comparable to the United States Marine Corps, only the Marines have honor, and Antifa seeks to destroy the state with Stalinesque intentions. In any case, Antifa is a terrorist organization and what they did to poor little Timmy from North Dakota is something that needs to be more magnified in our mainstream media, but they are suspiciously quiet about this story. Hmmm….

Lil Timmy, from a God-fearing Protestant household of five, had his home invaded by five or six of these so-called “Super Soldiers” and asked poor old lil’ Timmy if he would wish them a “Happy Holidays” (sic). Five-year-old Timmy, who can only think from exposure of the mainstream media and perhaps also from his mother, did wish the Antifa Super-soldiers a “Merry Christmas”, and poor old lil’ Timmy from Grand Forks, North Dakota was gunned down not a second later. He was rushed to the hospital but the doctors said he died just as he went inside the ER. He was only 5 years old.

Antifa doesn’t care about you or your children, they want blood and they want to seek control of abolition of the State, IE: OUR COUNTRY. Do not let the Antifa or their Ray Lewis ways of intimidation haunt you or change your political beliefs, that is exactly what they want. They are the American ISIS, and if you dare cross their beliefs, they’ll have their crosshairs on you. Be the God-fearing patriot that you are, and invoke the Second Amendment if need be. These Antifa maniacal bastards only their way to be the American way, and America cannot afford to become a terrorist state. We do not want Islam in America and these Antifa-Isis goons must be labeled as an extremist group from their liberal counterpart, the FBI, if we want to be a safe country that is tough on crime as the president wants it to be.

Antifa will find anyone they label as a “dissident” or a “fascist” with their flawed terminology, and their Supersoldiers are the ones that act with total malice. Find your local arms dealer via the NRA or other means of self-protection to counter these liberal coons, it’s your rights you are fighting for, not theirs.

Don Kaftan is the founder of  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan says Merry Christmas to all, and so should you.