The Only People Who Should Be Afraid Of Torture Are Liberals (For Not Understanding Common Sense)

Written by Sgt. Abu Ghraib 

It’s an established fact in every American history textbook, the finest textbooks regarding history in the whole world, that the Democratic Party (DNC) is responsible for slavery (AKA racism) and their support for gentrification, gerrymandering, and abortion, also miss the boat when it comes to legal and proper use of Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, known in the mass media pop culture vernacular as “torture”. Of course, the United States would never use “torture” on any American citizen no matter their race, sexual orientation, or other. “Torture”, or EIT for short, is a broad subject and can be quite elaborate to talk about in great detail. I was hired by Bullshit News to do my best to describe the history and proper ritual of EIT, so here we go!

EIT, that’s T for techniques not “torture”, is conducted only when the enemy, typically a committed “hater” of American values and decency, someone that truly hates freedom and Democracy that decided to become a higher up in the military rule of a terrorist country, commonly a Godless Islamic Barbarian type to boot, refuses to comply with the American government about details regarding their military or country that could give a benefit to American warfare. The information the convicted felon from another country is called “intelligence”, even though the enemy is often not very intelligent (because they are brainwashed by communist barbarians to hate Democracy and Freedom). If the enemy refuses to comply and offer the intelligence, then actions of EIT will be undergone to extract the intelligence. These actions are always interrogations well, actually enhanced interrogations, which implies that more force will be used is merely rhetorical and not indicative of any use of harm or alleged cruel and unusual punishment.

Now we really musn’t call it “torture”, that is merely a mainstream media buzzword for having a conflicting opinion about the tactics of war. Now, most journalists have never fought in a war, unlike me, so they don’t understand and have no clear idea about what happens when you’re fighting a war, especially in the desert. Should these hack mainstream media journalists at Breitbart really be the ones to judge warfare? And to have the so-called ethos to tell the public or “inside subscribers” to their access/extra-“gotcha journalism” about details like what goes on in Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever country that happens to mettle with the might of the United States should not offer any opinions about warfare. Listen only to people that served, they know what happens. Civilians can’t easily comprehend the horrors I and every office in the military have seen. Believe us, not CNN.

Now that we got that all out of the way, we can talk briefly about the history of EIT. EIT was first mentioned and likely invented in Sun Tzu’s Art of War in the 5th Century Before Christ (BC). Sun Tzu merely wrote on the tools and techniques of EIT from his time, which has now evolved to include computers and social media websites.  Most of the time period between Sun Tzu and the War of Independence is largely irrelevant and can be explained in better detail by the Bible and a page or two in the Quran. Just know that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and all the great Founding Fathers of there time universally agreed on two things, the Bill of Rights and approval of EIT. Such use of EIT was how this country was informed, and so long as other citizens weren’t conducting EIT on each other, then there should be no controversy. This is what lead to the creation of the 3rd and 8th Amendments.

Perhaps the greatest practitioners in the art of EIT were the brain trust of the Bush Administration, one of America’s most successful governments not just by GDP growth, but as the administration with the greatest exporting of freedom and liberty by any government in recorded human history. Lead by the one and only President George W. Bush, the only man on 9/11/2001 to steer our country away from Terror and Anarchic Communist Terrorism and propel America into an even stronger Democracy and Freedom exporting country than Osama Bin Laden and his ISIS/ISIL followers could spread terrorism and their Godless Islamic Barbarianism.

Those within the brain trust include his Vice-President Dick Cheney who was personally responsible for strengthening the Bush Administrations use of EIT and wrote many, many dissertations on the subject, Donald Rumsfeld who was called “The Architect” of EIT in the Bush Administration, Rumsfeld helped eased media and public tension regarding the knowns and unknowns (as well as the known knowns and unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns) and means of acquiring intelligence through any means otherwise not detailed during the Geneva Convention or similar peace protocols.

We can spend another 1,000 words about how the Bush Administration essentially reinvented EIT, so I won’t talk any more on it. But if you, the loyal and faithful reader of Bullshit News ever wants to learn more about the success of the Bush Administration or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, the local library is usually located in your city or census-designated place and will have books about it, nothing you can ever find in those darn Obamaphones!

But I digress. Hopefully, you have learned more about EIT and the success the United States of America has been conducting it since the tragic morning of September 11th, 2001. But I also must inform you that the opponents of EIT, who again are the inane liberals over at the Democratic Party, don’t understand the benefits and success EIT has given to our country, unlike you–the faithful and well-educated patriotic reader. Thank you. Thank you for understanding how America works, unlike the phony liberals that threaten to destroy our countries unity on a daily basis.

 

Sgt. Abu Ghraib is Bullshit News’ newest Correspondent, providing expert analysis and thought-out opinions about the on-going threats of the War on Terror and the Godless Islamic Barbaric Terrorists that conduct it. Whether it’s Morocco, Israel, Iraq, Palestine, Las Vegas or Iran, Abu fought in the Iraq War and enjoyed it so much he went to Afghanistan where he is stationed today in Kabul. Abu was born and raised in Macon, Georgia to prove all the “haters’ that bullied him in his high school that he was much more American than they are, and never looked back. Abu is currently on inactive duty, eagerly waiting for his name to be called at any moment.

First Fatal Marijuana Overdose Reported In San Pedro, California

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Once thought to be a “safe” drug with “medicinal value”, a marijuana death was reported in the mid-sized city in Los Angeles County, California overnight. The death of the majorly drug-addicted young man, aged 36, is Xhris Winthrop. Xhris was much like any other “normal marijuana user”, he pretended to have a job to pay off his debts to his drug dealer and his community college, or both. Xhris was like any marijuana-addled teenager, trying to become a personal trainer in order to acquire capital to hopefully find a mate to copulate with and create more productive hard-working Americans that vote Republican. Instead, Xhris’s dreams were crushed by smoking too much marijuana, choking his lungs to a point where Xhris could no longer breathe due to the heavy marijuana smoke that riddled his rented apartment. He is survived by his mom, Erica Winthrop, and his step-sister, Jessica.

The Democrats and the millennial youth are promoting drug culture in America at a time where the War on Drugs is becoming deadlier and deadlier. Democrats claim that laws against drug use are actually racist, which doesn’t make any sense. As we all know, Donald Trump banned racism in 2018. Any further use of drugs past that point cannot be connected to the absolute horrors of racism and acts merely as a strawman for the ineptitude of the Democrat Party “thought” process. Marijuana, for the millennials unaware of the danger, is a no ordinary drug. It is a gateway drug, a drug that makes you believe other dangerous drugs like Heroin and Cocaine are acceptable and won’t kill you. It isn’t a gateway to Heaven as the addicts would like you to believe, it is a gateway to hell, where sinners and heavy metal fanatics live and play their jazz music all the time. Marijuana controls your thought process into doing more marijuana until you are “fed up with your highs” and decide to “munch on” a deadlier high. Xhris is merely the first person to succumb to the true dangers of marijuana that have been in scientific studies since the late 1930s.

Xhris was merely a casualty in a war that cares not for humanity but cares for the end of human normalcy. The drug culture that swept America in the 1960s has permeated over the American consciousness today. Once President Nixon declared that drugs were a serious threat to the American economy, efforts to maximize drug illegalization initiated, and have prevented an upwards of over two million deaths in America since. Sadly, Xhris was not one of those easily preventable deaths, even if he only used the “safe drug” that is/was marijuana. But as we mourn his grave, his death gives us all a stark reminder that no drug can ever be truly “safe” for consumption. Drugs alter your brain’s chemistry leading to poor decision making and creating a more difficult thought process. To be wise is to abstain from all drugs and going to Church every Sunday to wash away any unneeded sins that someone like Xhris would use drugs for comfort instead of taking the easier route to go to Church on Sundays. If only Xhris did that, he would probably still be alive today.

It is unfortunate now that Xhris is a martyr for the marijuana drug culture, even being considered a “hero” and a “legend” for his unremarkable ability to consume vast quantities of marijuana. The hippies on the left have no regard for life, which explains their radical support for abortion, or the killing of unborn children. But now we all know that marijuana, the king of all gateway drugs, can still kill. It is morally irredeemable for Democrats to claim that Marijuana and its “CBD” cousin are healthy and “medical” for people that claim they need medical assistance. What’s next from the Democrat Party, Medical Alcohol? Prescriptions for Cocaine and Heroin to cure cancer? LSD for infants? This is the future presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren want when they mean they want to end the War on Drugs, they want the drugs to win.

Drugs kill, no matter the drug. The Democrat Party wants to keep moving America towards an unsafe overdose of narcotics. The Republican Party, the party that actually cares for American progress, wants to make sure you and your kids are safe and free from all drugs. Abstinence is the best and only system to instill a clean mind, and marijuana is not an exception. Xhris Winthrop, unfortunately, learned it the hard way, but unlike the Democrat Party, he at least can learn from his mistakes in the afterlife, if he’s lucky enough to be accepted into Heaven after being a drug fiend. Don’t end up like Xhris kids, WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Are Leaf Blowers Turning American Men Into Homosexuals?

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

One of the finest American-machine inventions, the leaf blower, was crafted in the industrial age when the pursuit of life, living, and the other less-useful pursuit of happiness were distinguished American rights so long as you followed and dedicated your life towards Manifest Destiny. Such inventions like the Leaf Blower and the DVD Rewinder are sublime examples of America’s passion for innovation and desire to be many steps ahead of the world when it comes to technology. However, just because technology is serviceable to the majority of people on our planet does not necessarily mean that it is good. Rather, it can be a cautionary tale about mankind’s efforts to thwart technology has failed, and that technology is really the ones controlling us. Rather than indulge in some liberal science fiction piece, there is a serious problem on our hands with American blue-collar technology: it is turning our precious masculine American men into American-hating homosexuals.

The Leaf Blower, in particular, is an invention of the USSR and Mexico as a way to get rid of a swarm of leaves that plagued the Mexican-USSR embassy. An invention combined from two nefarious countries, the origin story of the Leaf Blower has been disputed by the CNN-led FBI and CIA. Undisclosed documents presented to us by an anonymous employee of the NSA have given us more extensive details about the real reasons why the Leaf Blower is still around despite massive improvements to American technology over the decade. Nowadays, if ones’ house has a major leaf problem, lasers may be used to burn the leaves into nothingness or leaves can be tossed away via the use of a shovel, but for some odd reason, the leaf blower is still around and always announces its presence.

The Mexicans and Communist Russians designed the device to be as noisy as possible in order to attract inventors to the device as a way to let them know that it works, but that same noise that leaf blowers create also emits a low-frequency oscillator signal that can only be heard if ones’ brain orients in a homosexual manner. These signals are effectively a form of radio that only homosexuals and the occasional lesbian can hear. Bullshit News could not find a strong confident gay conservative man to help us decode what these signals are, but it’s not just morse code, it’s something (possibly) far, far worse. It’s a form of terrorist communication that can be used by ISIS or Islamic Jihad to crush America and cause another 9/11 attack, effectively making leaf blowers an object of terrorism.

But leaf blowers do more than just cause terrorism and/or let it happen, the leaf blower appears on the outside like a common, heteronormative tool for yard work. The leaf blower is very attractive to the American homosexual market due to its sound capabilities. It’s noisy, vuvuzela-like mating call attracts many homosexuals and Catholics to the call of duty–to move leaves away from a desired area. Leaf Blowers are known to be common apparatuses in the night club/discotheque scene, very much so in Europe. Once a symbol of blue-collar labor has now become a “gay icon”, or a reputable image of the homosexual agenda. Because of its un-American roots and recent acclaim from the gay community, it is time to make leaf blowers illegal in America as they will threaten the next generation of proud and strong young American men, and will discourage them from joining the armed forces because they will find leaf blowers more engaging than rocket launchers. That is not an America for my son to grow up in to find a suitable mate and bring them to church.

My son is going to become a pastor much like my great-grandfather and his son like my father, and yet my son can’t stop going outside with his leaf blower trying to find the “Pokemon Go”. He doesn’t know that the Mexican-USSR created homosexual agenda-supporting device is trying to convert him under its homosexual spell, and I fear as a parent and not a minister of Jesus that he will not follow our families’ honored commitment toward God and helping our community. Instead, he uses the leaf blower to find his “Charizard” or “Shiny Pidgey”, and doesn’t even care about Exodus or Leviticus! I’m worried these leaf blowers will be used to suck up our children and spit them away from the Bible. My child should be cherished in a world where all he needs to do is to go on his knees and praise Jesus every day, he does not need to worry about Pokemon or leaf blowers!!

Because of these actions, my church has effectively banned the leaf blower as I now understand that it lures homosexuality towards our house of God, and something so abhorrent like homosexuality cannot possibly be part of communion with Jesus himself. I can see why Catholics would like and employ the use of the Leaf Blower, but not with my personal relationship with God and my church. Once the Gay Agenda tried to recruit my son with the Pokemon Go, that’s when I knew action had to be taken. Purge the leaf blowers and read the good book!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrianism, excluding Unitarianism. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Klansman To Run For Senate

Written by Dan Shapiro

John Klansman, of Mobile, Alabama, has announced his bid to run for Senate in 2020. Klansman, who previously served as the chief of staff to former Alabama Attorney General Jeff Sessions, known for his time as a freedom rider and pious devotion to law and order. His liberal challenger is Doug Jones, a notorious porn addict. Doug Jones has allowed abortions, literally actions of infanticide, to come into Alabama from the southern border and struck a Republican stronghold. But his reign of terror will end swiftly when a real Republican like John Klansman will run against (D)oug Jones in November 2020.

Klansman, an 8th generation Alabaman native, has followed his family’s time-honored heritage of paralegal work, having experience as a property law attorney and civil work as a solicitor for the state of Alabama. Unlike Doug Jones, Klansman pursued a lifetime’s work towards law and order. A longtime attorney for Alabama, Klansman is also a passionate advocate for State’s Rights and a known humanitarian voice for the Death Penalty. Democrat Jones, in contrast, admitted to smoked multiple marijuana “bong” hits in college until he decided that he wanted to be a U.S Senator that he just learned about from his political science courses!

Klansman, a Crimson Tide over War Eagle, has long honored the Alabama State Code and a staunch opponent of drugs. Klansman is known to be tough on crime, which is the only legal standard that Bullshit News desires out of any attorney turned politician running for office.  Klansman has a long storied history in the courtroom, and his knowledge about politics and other legal things will be integral for maintaining Senate decorum. As we all know, Washington DC can be a very lawless and frightening place (outside the Oval Office), and the only men who can tough it out are Republican Senators from Republican States. Take Mitch McConnell, a clean-cut regular everyday average normal man from Kentucky. If Mitch was not the Leader of the Senate, all of Congress would be in flames over the Democratic Party’s support for anarchism. Only a tough average regular Republicans like McConnell, and Klansman, can give order to a land that is the Las Vegas of politics.

Klansman faces his primary challenge over the other legal superstar of Alabama, Roy Moore. Moore has faced unusual controversy over allegations of sexual behavior that have been deemed deviant by the mainstream media. While Moore currently has a 1.2% lead over Klansman in favorability rankings, and like Klansman has a long and storied career in the law, Roy might not be the strongest candidate to defeat porn-enabler Doug Jones. As Klansman is neck and neck with Roy Moore over the nomination, we here at Bullshit News officially endorse John Klansman for we believe he is tougher on crime and more capable of healing our nation than Roy Moore and his failure to win an incredibly easy election. If Roy Moore failed once, we cannot possibly depend on him no matter how great his platform and policy are. Anyone that loses to a Democrat in an election is not strong enough as a conservative to help save our country from eternal damnation. We’re going to play it safe this time, and there is no safer candidate that can protect us from the immorality of Congress and our Atheist-driven society, than John Klansman.

Vote on November 3rd, 2020 for Jon Klansman. A victory for Klansman is a victory for America.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on GOP Politics, the 2020 presidential elections, and Iran. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “own” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.