Bullshit News Investigates: What Happened In Benghazi?

Written by Alexander Jones

Bullshit News just received an undisclosed amount of money which will be used to fund our new investigative journalism series. The donor, who wishes to be anonymous and certainly does not come from a major media conglomerate, wanted Bullshit News to discover the real truth behind Benghazi, and why Hillary Clinton should be put on trial for murder and conspiracy to defraud the United States of America of $400 billion dollars. She threatens to endanger the country with her threats to run again for the presidency and supporting the Iranians and their quest to go nuclear. But in 2012, Hillary Clinton started to use her failed election chalkboard strategy to her advantage: absolute domination and power over the United States. But this whole story starts in Libya, of all places.

Bullshit News can confirm that Libya is still a country and that Benghazi is a city that was blown up to smithereens because of Hillary’s incompetence over her mission to assassinate Muammar Gaddafi. She evidently wanted to bomb the area into submission, which is going too headstrong. You can’t just invade a country by bombing the hell out of it, you need a think tank to condone the plan, like the CATO Institute or the Ethics and Public Policy Center. Think Tanks like CATO exist to critically think about which non-American countries need the most intervention and help. It’s why Jesus Christ of Nazareth had 12 men around him at all times, in that essence, Jesus helped create the first Think Tank in history. And look what that gave us: The Bible. Something Hillary Clinton has clearly spent no time studying on, much like her objective in Benghazi.

If Hillary was ever aware of Benghazi, she should have known Muammar Gaddafi died in 2011: while the attack that left four ambassadors and/or soldiers happened in 2012. So enough about Hillary for a moment: who were these attackers and why were they motivated from Hillary Clinton’s apathy for ambassadors? The attackers, naturally of Godless Islamic Barbaric origin (common to the area of Libya/Middle East/North Africa), we’re probably looking to attack a target bigger than some out of town D.C. bureaucrats they just happened to be in Libya at that exact moment in the line of fire—from orders via Hillary Clinton. Bullshit News discovered this memo about Hillary’s role in Benghazi during our investigation from Hillary Clinton’s trash can in one of her hundreds of personal homes in Arlington, Virginia:

HillaryClintonMemoBenghazi

 

It is evident that even Barack Obama played his hands in letting those four ambassadors die that fateful day in Benghazi. What’s almost more startling is the earmark allowed for this tragedy: 400 billion dollars were wasted on four lives that could not be adequately protected by Hillary Clinton. And what has Hillary Clinton had to say about this to the mainstream media? Nothing, people were too busy to focus on her emails (a scandal and investigation for another time) instead of her covert approval to lead four Americans to an untimely death in Libya. Many other people could have possibly been damaged by the aftermath of the bombings of Benghazi, that let four men die in that tragic night. But going boots on the ground to Libya is an excessive use of Bullshit News’s funds, and not worth more time to investigate first hand.

But the House and Senate have investigated the Benghazi tragedy ten times: six by the House and four from the Senate. We know everything else that we need to know about Benghazi: Hillary Clinton is to blame for the failure of her mission to successfully export liberty to Libya. One that cannot truly export liberty to a Godless Islamic Barbarian country is one that is not strong enough to be president. Donald Trump has not yet started a war of his own, but America will absolutely succeed in that war compared to  Hillary Clinton’s weak attempt to protect four soldiers from the Islamists. One can also accept the blame to Barack Hussein Obama, the president who wanted to be in Libya of all places. Always expect that liberals will like any place in the world named after them.

Benghazi is a closed case. A classic example of liberal government corruption, and the triumphant reason that Hillary Clinton can never be president. When you are given 400 billion dollars for a mission that any competent Secretary of State can accomplish in a week, you know you can’t be in government. All that’s left to ask is what happened to the rest of that 400 billion? The leftover money was an earmark for the Clinton Foundation. Because who could possibly want to donate money for Hillary Clinton to run for president? She has all that money before, and this election chalkboard strategy of hers started on September 11th, 2012: the day Hillary Clinton found the money she needed to run for her failed attempt at becoming president.

 

Alexander Jones is a fierce investigative journalist dedicating to finding the real truth blurred by the mainstream globalist media. Alexander Jones is a strong advocate for libertarianism, liberty, and raw rib eye steak. In his spare time away from journalism, Alexander enjoys hunting and keyboard/synthesizer music. An animal advocate throughout his life, he currently owns five hunting dogs, two purebred horses, and two cats. Although he is an advocate for the survival of the fittest Darwinism, he is a Pentecostal Christian who always–ALWAYS spends time with Jesus and The Lord on Sundays. 

 

LeBron James: “Everyone Needs To Vote For Ted Cruz”

Written By Rachel Gilfords

Bullshit News’s sports correspondent, Rachel Gilfords, recently sat down for a quick 5-minute post-game interview with Los Angeles basketball phenom and notable conservative, LeBron James. LeBron James has won three NBA Championships and has a passion for a balanced budget, lowering taxes, school choice, and liberty among other conservative ideals. We were lucky to have some time for the NBA legend who recently built a school dedicated for poor people to maybe, just maybe, have a chance at having a decent life. Something Hillary Clinton and Jerry Brown both have failed to achieve in their careers that a mid 30’s basketball player can easily accomplish with a checkbook.


 

Rachel Gilfords: Thank you for your time, Mr. James.

LeBron James: It’s my pleasure. I love talking about my passions in life, which expand beyond basketball and African-American culture. Many people don’t know this, but I am a conservative that loves freedom and tax cuts just like any normal guy.

RG: Rivetting. You opened up a school in Akron, Ohio with no expectations of making a profit or any kind of revenue. That’s very brave. Tell me more about this new “I Promise” school you spent a lot of money on.

LBJ: Oh I would love to spend all day talking about that. But that’s not important right now. What’s important is that tomorrow is Election Day and that everyone that isn’t a convicted a felon and preferably not liberal should take the time to vote. Otherwise, democracy won’t function as it should. What’s even more important, and why I wanted to talk to your platform Rachel, is that the people of Texas have a great gift in the Senate whose name is Ted Cruz. I’ve known Ted for a long time, he’s a good friend of mine. Everyone in the state of Texas needs to vote for Ted Cruz. He will make the trains run on time while saving money, that’s just how special Ted really is.

RG: When did you first meet Senior Cruz?

LBJ: Back in 2011 when I played for the Miami Heat we went to the [NBA] Finals against the Dallas Mavericks. Ted is a Houston Rockets fan and came to one of the games in my jersey, which spiked my attention. Ted has been a fan of my game since I first joined the league in 2003. That kind of loyalty is hard to find nowaday.

RG: What are your opinions about Ted Cruz’s challenger, Beto O’Rourke?

LBJ: I’m not interested in liberals that daydream of cutting my sweet, sweet salary. Look, I and many other millionaires have worked long and hard to get where we are today–and in the NBA there is no other organization that publicly demonstrates just how hard us guys work on ourselves to play basketball as a professional service. Same goes for any professional sport. I’ve never heard of this Beto O’Foole before, and that shouldn’t matter. What matters is that Ted Cruz, a man I’ve been friends with for fifteen years deserves to continue his phenomenal service as America’s best and most accomplished senator. Ted Cruz was the only Republican senator competent to stand up against Barack Obama and his evil liberal overspending on meaningless legislation. He helped shut down the Government in 2013 to make everyone pay attention to the horrors of the Obama regime. It was then I had my true Republican re-awakening, that Charles Barkley was right all along. And I thank Ted for that, I would not know where my career would be today if it weren’t for Ted Cruz’s selfless service to prove to everyone that Obama was not the man the mainstream media wished him to be.

RG: Why are you so passionate over the Texas Senate election when you never lived in Texas?

LBJ: Because that’s just how much Ted means to me. He’s truly a one-of-a-kind politician that really cares about his community. I mean, if Ted Cruz never cared about his constituents, he would never listen to them. But he does, it must be some of that Canadian kindness that hides in his all-American heart. [Chuckles]

RG: That’s absolutely wonderful LeBron. Any other comments?

LBJ: Please get out to the polls on Tuesday and vote for my man Ted Cruz. Don’t be like J.R. Smith and not know when or how to vote when there’s still time on the clock. Every vote counts–for Ted Cruz. Also, he is definitely not the Zodiac Killer, I don’t know why people bring that up. If Ted Cruz really was the Zodiac Killer, wouldn’t it make a lot more sense then this baseless conspiracy theory that he just happened to be in Northern California in the early 1970’s? It’s irrelevant to the content of his character.

RG: It’s just one of those liberal “fake news things” again. They are really desperate trying to make all-Republican Texas into a liberal sodomic state with lies and distortion.

LBJ: You really can’t trust the Democratic Party nowadays. They are SO DESPERATE FOR VOTERS!! [laughs heartily]. They’ll try anything for attention. They should just shut up and dribble if they ever want to be like me.

RG: Thank you once again for your time and service, Mr. LeBron James.


 

LeBron James is one of the biggest voices for millennials and other contemporary celebrities stuck in the liberal River Stix known as “Hollywood”. He currently plays basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers and has three children. He has no plans to live in Texas at this time.

Please go to the polls tomorrow and vote Republican! Otherwise, the world as we know it might not be the same with Nancy Pelosi in (some resemblance of) power again.

 

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.