Month: May 2019

First Fatal Marijuana Overdose Reported In San Pedro, California

~ DonKaftan ~ 7 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Once thought to be a “safe” drug with “medicinal value”, a marijuana death was reported in the mid-sized city in Los Angeles County, California overnight. The death of the majorly drug-addicted young man, aged 36, is Xhris Winthrop. Xhris was much like any other “normal marijuana user”, he pretended to have a job to pay off his debts to his drug dealer and his community college, or both. Xhris was like any marijuana-addled teenager, trying to become a personal trainer in order to acquire capital to hopefully find a mate to copulate with and create more productive hard-working Americans that vote Republican. Instead, Xhris’s dreams were crushed by smoking too much marijuana, choking his lungs to a point where Xhris could no longer breathe due to the heavy marijuana smoke that riddled his rented apartment. He is survived by his mom, Erica Winthrop, and his step-sister, Jessica.

The Democrats and the millennial youth are promoting drug culture in America at a time where the War on Drugs is becoming deadlier and deadlier. Democrats claim that laws against drug use are actually racist, which doesn’t make any sense. As we all know, Donald Trump banned racism in 2018. Any further use of drugs past that point cannot be connected to the absolute horrors of racism and acts merely as a strawman for the ineptitude of the Democrat Party “thought” process. Marijuana, for the millennials unaware of the danger, is a no ordinary drug. It is a gateway drug, a drug that makes you believe other dangerous drugs like Heroin and Cocaine are acceptable and won’t kill you. It isn’t a gateway to Heaven as the addicts would like you to believe, it is a gateway to hell, where sinners and heavy metal fanatics live and play their jazz music all the time. Marijuana controls your thought process into doing more marijuana until you are “fed up with your highs” and decide to “munch on” a deadlier high. Xhris is merely the first person to succumb to the true dangers of marijuana that have been in scientific studies since the late 1930s.

Xhris was merely a casualty in a war that cares not for humanity but cares for the end of human normalcy. The drug culture that swept America in the 1960s has permeated over the American consciousness today. Once President Nixon declared that drugs were a serious threat to the American economy, efforts to maximize drug illegalization initiated, and have prevented an upwards of over two million deaths in America since. Sadly, Xhris was not one of those easily preventable deaths, even if he only used the “safe drug” that is/was marijuana. But as we mourn his grave, his death gives us all a stark reminder that no drug can ever be truly “safe” for consumption. Drugs alter your brain’s chemistry leading to poor decision making and creating a more difficult thought process. To be wise is to abstain from all drugs and going to Church every Sunday to wash away any unneeded sins that someone like Xhris would use drugs for comfort instead of taking the easier route to go to Church on Sundays. If only Xhris did that, he would probably still be alive today.

It is unfortunate now that Xhris is a martyr for the marijuana drug culture, even being considered a “hero” and a “legend” for his unremarkable ability to consume vast quantities of marijuana. The hippies on the left have no regard for life, which explains their radical support for abortion, or the killing of unborn children. But now we all know that marijuana, the king of all gateway drugs, can still kill. It is morally irredeemable for Democrats to claim that Marijuana and its “CBD” cousin are healthy and “medical” for people that claim they need medical assistance. What’s next from the Democrat Party, Medical Alcohol? Prescriptions for Cocaine and Heroin to cure cancer? LSD for infants? This is the future presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren want when they mean they want to end the War on Drugs, they want the drugs to win.

Drugs kill, no matter the drug. The Democrat Party wants to keep moving America towards an unsafe overdose of narcotics. The Republican Party, the party that actually cares for American progress, wants to make sure you and your kids are safe and free from all drugs. Abstinence is the best and only system to instill a clean mind, and marijuana is not an exception. Xhris Winthrop, unfortunately, learned it the hard way, but unlike the Democrat Party, he at least can learn from his mistakes in the afterlife, if he’s lucky enough to be accepted into Heaven after being a drug fiend. Don’t end up like Xhris kids, WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Are Leaf Blowers Turning American Men Into Homosexuals?

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

One of the finest American-machine inventions, the leaf blower, was crafted in the industrial age when the pursuit of life, living, and the other less-useful pursuit of happiness were distinguished American rights so long as you followed and dedicated your life towards Manifest Destiny. Such inventions like the Leaf Blower and the DVD Rewinder are sublime examples of America’s passion for innovation and desire to be many steps ahead of the world when it comes to technology. However, just because technology is serviceable to the majority of people on our planet does not necessarily mean that it is good. Rather, it can be a cautionary tale about mankind’s efforts to thwart technology has failed, and that technology is really the ones controlling us. Rather than indulge in some liberal science fiction piece, there is a serious problem on our hands with American blue-collar technology: it is turning our precious masculine American men into American-hating homosexuals.

The Leaf Blower, in particular, is an invention of the USSR and Mexico as a way to get rid of a swarm of leaves that plagued the Mexican-USSR embassy. An invention combined from two nefarious countries, the origin story of the Leaf Blower has been disputed by the CNN-led FBI and CIA. Undisclosed documents presented to us by an anonymous employee of the NSA have given us more extensive details about the real reasons why the Leaf Blower is still around despite massive improvements to American technology over the decade. Nowadays, if ones’ house has a major leaf problem, lasers may be used to burn the leaves into nothingness or leaves can be tossed away via the use of a shovel, but for some odd reason, the leaf blower is still around and always announces its presence.

The Mexicans and Communist Russians designed the device to be as noisy as possible in order to attract inventors to the device as a way to let them know that it works, but that same noise that leaf blowers create also emits a low-frequency oscillator signal that can only be heard if ones’ brain orients in a homosexual manner. These signals are effectively a form of radio that only homosexuals and the occasional lesbian can hear. Bullshit News could not find a strong confident gay conservative man to help us decode what these signals are, but it’s not just morse code, it’s something (possibly) far, far worse. It’s a form of terrorist communication that can be used by ISIS or Islamic Jihad to crush America and cause another 9/11 attack, effectively making leaf blowers an object of terrorism.

But leaf blowers do more than just cause terrorism and/or let it happen, the leaf blower appears on the outside like a common, heteronormative tool for yard work. The leaf blower is very attractive to the American homosexual market due to its sound capabilities. It’s noisy, vuvuzela-like mating call attracts many homosexuals and Catholics to the call of duty–to move leaves away from a desired area. Leaf Blowers are known to be common apparatuses in the night club/discotheque scene, very much so in Europe. Once a symbol of blue-collar labor has now become a “gay icon”, or a reputable image of the homosexual agenda. Because of its un-American roots and recent acclaim from the gay community, it is time to make leaf blowers illegal in America as they will threaten the next generation of proud and strong young American men, and will discourage them from joining the armed forces because they will find leaf blowers more engaging than rocket launchers. That is not an America for my son to grow up in to find a suitable mate and bring them to church.

My son is going to become a pastor much like my great-grandfather and his son like my father, and yet my son can’t stop going outside with his leaf blower trying to find the “Pokemon Go”. He doesn’t know that the Mexican-USSR created homosexual agenda-supporting device is trying to convert him under its homosexual spell, and I fear as a parent and not a minister of Jesus that he will not follow our families’ honored commitment toward God and helping our community. Instead, he uses the leaf blower to find his “Charizard” or “Shiny Pidgey”, and doesn’t even care about Exodus or Leviticus! I’m worried these leaf blowers will be used to suck up our children and spit them away from the Bible. My child should be cherished in a world where all he needs to do is to go on his knees and praise Jesus every day, he does not need to worry about Pokemon or leaf blowers!!

Because of these actions, my church has effectively banned the leaf blower as I now understand that it lures homosexuality towards our house of God, and something so abhorrent like homosexuality cannot possibly be part of communion with Jesus himself. I can see why Catholics would like and employ the use of the Leaf Blower, but not with my personal relationship with God and my church. Once the Gay Agenda tried to recruit my son with the Pokemon Go, that’s when I knew action had to be taken. Purge the leaf blowers and read the good book!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrianism, excluding Unitarianism. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.