Month: August 2019

Is President Donald Trump Not Only One Of The Greatest Presidents Of All Time, But Could He Be God?

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

President Donald Trump accepted praise from a significant holy pastor whose rank is higher than my own, Wayne Allyn Root. To keep his description neatly brief, he is able to communicate to God with a much higher profile. Now longtime faithful readers of the Bullshit News know that I, too, can speak to God unlike some other mear “pastor” or “priest” or “Imam”. Don’t get me started on those “rabbis” and their ribbiting.

Holy Pastor Root proclaims that God declared President Trump from his latest revelation that was communicated via the medium of Twitter: “Jewish people in Israel love him…. like he’s the King Of Israel. They love him like he’s the Second Coming Of GOD“. And if Wayne Allyn Root is my superior in my field, to say in Republican terms, then he must be correct. And as Donald Trump continues to Make America Great Again, it appears to be that he has made America, and consequently Israel, into the most divine and blessed areas on Earth. Thus, with the almighty power that President Donald Trump has, is he God? I will do the science and thinking for you to read and ponder.

For you see, President Trump has made his initial iconic promise which is to “Make America Great Again”. Yes, it may be a broad goal or ambition to achieve something which may not bluntly appear on a political platform, but Jesus Christ (of Nazareth) also ran on similar principles when he wanted to be a priest. And, like Jesus, Donald Trump has never lost an election or business venture. When Jesus was allegedly defying God, he was persecuted and sentenced to death. When Donald Trump was allegedly defying God, in the eyes of mass media and The Daily Caller, he was persecuted more-so then Christ (as Jesus of Nazareth did not live in an era where “social media” existed more than cave paintings) and half of the country, unpatriotic and not wavering to Democracy as much as they ought to, want him dead. Aside from the era of technology we live in, this analysis is spot-on and explains how America is working today.

The Democrats have often engaged in anti-Christ behavior and ideology, which is no surprise to many of you faithful readers of Bullshit News. But sometimes we need to say the obvious out loud (…or rather type it out loud) because of the centrists and moderates that are as uncertain in ideology as they are people are unaware of the Democratic Party’s tricks when it comes to taking over America via radical ideologies like socialism. God, like Donald Trump, was also persecuted by the very own people he claimed were “chosen” to receive “his book”. What God also shares in personality is his breviloquence in ideology. God and President Trump don’t need to orate essays onto the masses that are too busy watching the TV on their smartphones, they know the brevity of their words is what gives them their power. The New Testament and The Art Of The Deal are about the same length words-wise and both can be finished in the same amount of time, the only difference between the two books is the slightly more modern language found in TAOTD.

But Holy Pastor Root’s revelations have been a source of controversy from, you guessed it, the Democratic Party. DNC activists like Joe Biden and John Delaney have called one of the greatest pastors in American history “blasphemous” and “an act against God” as if these democrats have ever once stepped into church and talked to God, let alone ever studied a day of theology in their lives! How could these incompetent and potentially impotent men ever claim they know the words of the Lord if they act rebelliously against Christ? They know nothing, like all Democrats, but they have the audacity to claim they are at a higher level with God then pastors like Wayne Root and me.

Blasphemy aside, Pastor Root also gave word that President Trump, according to God and his best friend Jesus Christ, will be the one to save us from the apocalypse and Hell from appearing on Earth (aside from Albania). Heretics from the DNC will be burned on the cross soon enough, for when the moment the apocalypse will finally start, no one will be spared unless they are Christian (as the Bible dictates). Upon my own experiences on reading the Bible for the 187,325th time in my lifetime, I can assure you that anyone God-fearing, Christian, and Republican will be saved for the most part, but any Democrat that claims they are with Christ yet supports socialism and/or various other evil ideologies, they will not be spared. This includes Jews.

And once Trump was nominated to be the leading nominee for the Republican Party back in 2016, I was all but certain that if the apocalypse were about to happen (which it nearly did under the Barack Obama regime), the GOP would find a way to save us with a real Christian to help prevent the worst from happening. And among all the GOP nominees in 2016, President Trump was the one that was THE MOST Christian of ALL of them, the most pious, and righteously the one with the most patriotic fervor to care and uphold American values that are explicitly stated in the constitution. And as President Trump saves us from the apocalypse on November 8th, 2016, a feat bigger than anything Jesus ever truly did, is when I initially began to ponder, is Donald Trump actually greater than God himself (for what he has done to our country)?

President Trump on the outside may not appear to be a humble man, but his belief and devotion to Christ and God are strong on the inside. President Trump, like God, does not play games (unless it’s golf every now and then), but they rule similarly. While Democrats engage in blasphemy and oppose any sort of bipartisan legislation meant to better the country, And while the Democratic Party cannot wait to usher in the apocalypse and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump will be here to stand guard and defend Christianity from not only the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Jewish Inquistadors, but to defend America as commanded from the Lord himself. So when it comes to the “Greatest Presidents Of All Time”, there’s only one president who was literally commanded by God to run this country, and his name is Donald Trump.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Scientologists, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

China Is Trying To Destroy American Democracy To Death With Taxes

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Sid Phyllis

On August 5th, 2019, the DOW plunged by 875 points as China announced they would devalue their currency as per agreement with the Democratic Party (DNC).  Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House and Queen of The Democrats who ordered the hit, has long desired to see America be crushed to allow China to control the world’s affairs. Wacky Nancy first received fame in the Democrat Party as being the mayor of San Francisco with “Ending American Supremacy For The Greater Good Of The World [sic]”. These attacks are coordinated and have been planned since as far as George W. Bush Administration and up to The Obama Regime. The recent economic status quo is a terrorist attack coordinated by the leaders of the House and, according to confidential sources, Al-Qaeda, the DNC’s best friend since 2001.

But August 5th wasn’t the only time Democrats attempted to sabotage the economy. On August 23rd, the Federal Reserve, a long-time independent financial institution of the United States Dollar and supporter of American Freedom and Liberty, attempted to circumvent the president by pretending the economy is not as stellar as markets dictated in August. Donald Trump just happened to be giving a speech an hour after the Federal Reserve PR people gave their speech about the economy or whatever or what have you. President Trump went on a bold endeavor to attack the correlation between the DNC and China by also suggesting that any company that is currently doing business with China or the Chinese government, in part because of the danger companies like Huawei pose against American counter-intelligence and American Democracy.

The mainstream media folks at Breitbart and the far-left socialist outlet The Daily Caller will mention the reason the stock market is down because of the on-going trade war America has with China, but that is only a small percent of the reason. Sure, tariffs can increase the cost of goods which can lower purchasing power that makes the stock market go down, but there are far more elements at play here, like China. Where did China come from, and why have they grown so much in power that they want to disintegrate our country with communism. And yet, China should not be as big and powerful as they are now. Their president is Winnie The Poo, how could China be intimidating with that folksy br’er rabbit as president? The answer involves more actors at play than Pelosi and her political conglomerate.

Since the Democrats have taken the House, they have refused to work or coordinate with the president for longer than five minutes. The DNC needlessly whines and complains about the nature and business of American Supremacy, and can’t even find a bipartisan compromise with President Trump regarding issues with The Wall, allowing additional access to guns for education, or even an issue as simple as abortion. It’s simple to deduct that Democrats don’t like working together to better help America, and want to eradicate Madisonian Democracy for good, a common goal they share with China. The trade war with China has just escalated, which didn’t happen when the Republicans controlled the House before 2018. Coincidence? Not at all, it’s an intentional political set-up by those that are least faithful with our constitution: the socialists at the DNC.

Now I understand I might be repeating myself a couple times in this article, but if you can’t catch the repetition then I can’t help you explain why Democrats want to corrode our society with catchy socialism slogans like “Abolish ICE” or “Green New Deal“. But these buzzwords are more than just “catchy socialism slogans”, they are attempts to control the narrative that America is not great, or could actually afford to be even greater than how great America is already great at being great, but isn’t currently at capacity to do so. The rhetoric the Democratic Party has is toxic and dangerously anti-conforming to our wonderful Capitalist society the founding fathers and (assumingly) your ancestors have also worked hard and had to kill many a communist so that we can peacefully shoot the breeze and enjoy IPAs on our bodega beach houses or whatever people do with their spare time these days ignoring to face reality and “logging onto” their computer mobile devices to play farming/candy games about Souls Cycling.

My point is this, China is one of the biggest players on the world stage, and they want to be the top dog in the world. China knows that to undermine America and become the greatest force on the planet, they need to help the Democratic Party have power and make sure the Democrats become more socialist and ergo, communist. Once the DNC is communist or socialist-led, China will begin to invade America while the DNC leaders will pretend that everything’s fine and that we should obey our new leaders with names in different fonts and letters, and so on. The DNC actively engages in anti-American ideology in order to gain voters in the saddest and pathetic ways our Democracy has ever been exploited. If we don’t stand up to protect America in the voting booth in 2020, China surely will.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We just heard about the rumblings going on in Hong Kong, which is almost in China but not quite, but still sort of is tangled with China but their government is focused on state’s rights in contrast to China’s totalitarian communist regime. We support the fighters in Hong Kong as they try to recreate Democracy over Winnie The Poo. Be strong, Hong Kong!

Sid Phyllis is the Bullshit News correspondent in political/foreign affairs (other) and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donovan and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

God Needs More Money

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Hello, faithful and loyal readers of the Bullshit News, it is I, your honorable pastor, John Mathewson. I only wish to communicate with you, the noble Republican reader directly, because the issue that is at hand is beyond compelling through comprehension on what is happening in the world we desire and pray for on a Sunday to Sunday basis.

I have just received a vision from God, and it turns out our holy deity that despises the Islamic religion and the other one with the “yamulkes”, have really hit dire straits. Believe me, believe God, believe in Best Buddy Jesus Christ because Heaven is attempting to construct an all-new Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network to help all of us Christian humans have better communications for this multi-billion dollar corporation in the sky.

For you see, a great and all-powerful man named God runs and operates this multi-billion corporation called Heaven, and the upkeep for Heaven’s costs are astronomically high. If you were to keep taxing God like this, the banks would run and control heaven while forcing God to foreclose and bankrupt his for-prophet organization. But if you are dumb you must be asking yourself one question, “What is a bank?”

If you really are this dumb, I can assist. Banks are places where there are tons of money stored. The money just sits there, doing absolutely nothing, untouched by government or man, but just by the bank itself. This is the money God needs to start constructing a modern and enhanced Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network in Heaven, as well as helping a nephew of a family friend of ours in church, Erik Prince operate Academi, a peacekeeping Christian diplomatic organization that helps the Godless Islamic Barbarians in the Middle East on understanding The Bible.

Giving your money directly to God is quite a difficult thing to do, which is why pastors, priests, and all the others are exchequers of God. Each and every one of us have proper rules regarding finances and avoiding usury from corrupting our souls. But I must bring up the banks again in our conversation, they are also closed on Sundays, which is ridiculous. All of that money in all of those vacant-on-Sundays lots would be better suited in the House of the Lord!

Does anyone know how expensive it is to install a perfectly functional Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network up in Heaven while also quality-assuring and sound-checking the infrastructure once it’s all set up so that God can help process in more lost souls into Heaven while upgrading the media operations for better audio and visual clarity to better boost performance? How else could banks help this out without giving their money on over to us? The thought process is absurd and depressing. We are making God’s work in vain by not helping him out. Thoughts and prayers will not help us here, only financing.

That is why I ask you, faithful and pure Bullshit News viewers and endorsers, who are already not financing Bullshit News, to finance Bullshit News eventually but not right this moment. God’s work is much more important and requires much more precision and accuracy. We all think of God in dark times, and truth be told friends, God thinks he is in hard times due to a large amount of financing left to be told to start the initial process of Heaven’s Telecommunication and Multimedia Broadcast Network system. Please, don’t think of us (just yet), think of God, and how he helps you. And his son Jesus who did his thing and yadda yadda yadda you all understand and hear it every day just like me.

Help them, help me, but most importantly help God, who was/is them. God needs more money, contact your local pastor or priest or otherwise Christian Messenger for more explicit inquiry on how you can help God today, and tomorrow.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Israelites, excluding Agnostics. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.