We Must Remove All “Pornography” Off The Internet

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The internet has been one of the most revolutionary inventions in the entire world. As a writer on the first conservative website on the world-wide-web, a feat that took twenty-two years, there is a shockingly disgusting amount of pornography on the Internet. Such smut is a shocking display of immorality designed to destroy Christianity from the inside out. Something must be done to remove all these photos of scantily clad women and men pornifying our society.

Sexual intercourse is for procreation purposes only. Unless you’re Barack Obama and want kindergarteners to start breeding to create more Democrats. Pornography in our society encourages the women to engage in abortion, a cardinal sin for almost all religions, even for Catholics. The creation of life is the most important aspect of our existence, and masturbation is some sick game that results in spilling important seeds needed to fertilize our women. All sperm is sacred, and any needless drop of sperm as the result of pornography graphically assaults our society and damages the minds of children awaiting God’s glory.

There should be no surprise that liberals are in favor of masturbation, calling it a “personal liberty”. Democrats don’t understand true freedom is being able to procreate without heinous non-sperm producing devices such as “dildos”, “vibrators”, or any other Satanic-influenced device. It makes perfect sense that Democrats suffer from low testosterone, and are unable to multiply fruitfully, coming from their vegetarian or “vegan” diets based in soy and not testosterone-filled red meat. Thus, the Democrats must use pornography in order to concede to the fact that they are being outnumbered by fertile Republicans. The Democratic Party is a dying breed.

Beyond the so-called “women’s liberation” permitting the legalization of pornography in America, the over-abundance of pornography in our society poses an existential threat to our species. Young boys will prefer to masturbate over finding an ideal humble Christian woman to marry. With more distractions from “smartphones”, condoms, and other pornographic devices that distract our children, what can we do to repurify these millennials? I’m glad you let me ask because my solution is easy and has worked in every era in every generation of human history: the Bible. The Bible educates everyone about the sanctity of life and teaches us the dangers of immorality in our society, like murder, adultery and of course, pornography and masturbation. I lock all the apps on my children’s phones except for The Bible, as technology these days are much too lax and allow such vile filth to be promoted everywhere.

Sadly, the Bible by itself does not end the nonstop distribution of pornography that spreads like a Northern California wildfire. But we have some help in destroying the vile pornography industry. Vice President Mike Pence believes in our mission that pornography is an evil sin that should be banned throughout America. The pornography industry has created a social construction called “sex work”, which is not exclusive to prostitution, pin-up modeling or mutual masturbation. Such “sex work” involves women wearing hardly any clothing at all, soliciting “tokens” on a web-operated camera which can be used to inherit American dollars. These e-harlots refuse to do legal occupations and operate in black markets offline as well. They are agents of sexual trafficking and should be prosecuted as such. The Bible would consider such atrocious acts as sodomy as well.

While many consider the invention of the World Wide Web to be a blessing, it reaps what it sows in morality. The amount of pure evil and vile and shocking displays of “human sexuality” is the decaying moral agent within our society that causes civilization to break down. Such decadence encourages liberal/judicial activism, higher divorce rates, and promoting the Gay Agenda. We must retaliate with the one Book that guides us all under God’s light, and it doesn’t come from “Pornhub”, it comes from Jesus. Jesus, please save our children from the easily-accessible pornography that runs rampant on the world-wide-web. They can’t help themselves.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Evangelicals, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

President Trump Considers Selling Alaska Back To Russia

Written by Pavel Shostakovich

Citing a large national debt problem and insufficient need for a state that cannot be accessed by a highway, President Trump has considered removing Alaska from the Union. This would be highly beneficial to the Union of the States United, as Alaska is a liberal state surrounded by Canada: a land of ice and French hippies. Selling Alaska back to Russia would give America a very high return of investment, and we know how much Donald Trump loves ending deficits in the State of America!

Alaska is a liberal state that is closer to Russia and the Russians than a common American Apple Pie and Empire State Building. They vote at end of election, not beginning, meaning they are a waste of voters and space for natural minerals, unmined from the Carter Administration. Imagine all the oil America could use instead of sucking it up from a straw in the Middle East. “Now that is a spicy meat-a-ball!”

It is no secret that the previous string of presidents up to Ronald Reagan was involved in giving America a giant debt with a spending deficit in order to create political problems when they otherwise had none in the 18th-19th and most of the 20th century. The territory of Alaska was manufactured in 1867 when Russia was in a similar situation like America today, in debt and need of profit. Alaska “officially” entered statehood in  It is tables have turned time. It is not like Alaska is going for good use, it’s no Hawaii or Arizona.

Besides, Alaska is always cold. It is useless for tourism and other business ventures. People have Seaworlds all over America, what could make Alaska SeaWorld more special? Glaciers? A “Meet the Titanic”? Please. Alaska is backward like The Ukraine. Canada did not bother to even invade the territory, hence its existence. America can expand its borders in more financially relevant areas, like Syria. Alaska makes no sense and the USSR is no longer in operation to worry about any longer. America’s debt is huge, and big sacrifices need to be made for the glorious benefit of a continual existence of the United States of America. It is through this country that I achieved the American Dream and do not have to hear my door every night to make sure KGB doesn’t hear. In America, you only worry about paying landlord on time, and taxes. It is more peaceful, although taxes are just as unpleasant.

At the time of this article, the United States debt stands at $21,222,747,669,999. There might be interest rates as well, adding on to that number I cannot pronounce. Selling off Alaska, which gives America only a mere $49,120,000,000 in GDP, can be sold for much more than that amount of billions. While selling Alaska will not completely erase America’s debt, it sure does a much better job than the Obama Administration’s failed efforts to conquer the problem. America will always find a 50th state somewhere in the world in order to save money on not ordering new American flags for everyone. The Dakotas could merge, Guam can enter statehood, or Mexico can concede more land. Regardless, alleviating the national debt is better than not doing so.

Russia has strong interest in re-acquiring Alaska, and they look to be big spenders. President Trump has always made it his dream since he was a little lad to end America’s deficit problems and Russia can help make Donald Trump have a superstar-like legacy as president if he cures America’s biggest problem. President Trump knows what the right thing to do, and perhaps it is better to start selling off some assets to solve a seemingly improbable situation rather than initiate a trade war with some inferior and weaker country like Albania or whatever.

Pavel Shostakovich is Bullshit News’ newest correspondent reporting on Russian and European Affairs. He is a naturalized American citizen whose parents escaped Communist tyranny in Russia, AND NOT BELARUS. Pavel studied political science at the Universty of Pennslyvania and is a member of the Federalist Society. 

We Desperately Need To Give More Money To The Military

Written by Sgt. Louie Gates II

Democrats often talk about the desire to cut our military/defense budget to “curb government excess”, but what they really mean is that they want America’s borders to implode. They complain and cry about the so-called “military-industrial complex”, but that’s a secret message being sent to our enemies, desperately calling for 9/11 to happen again. Liberals want to give them a free parking spot. The only people that can stop those crazy liberals is our military.

America is under constant threat not just from the USSR, but from liberal terrorists that lurk on social media threatening to end America and something about a fictional federal agency called ICE. Their opinions are as harmless as their wallets, which is a problem for our Air Force to develop new fighter jets to kill enemies quicker. The military needs every dollar it can get, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have an unnamed source high-up in the Marines that they might have to host a telethon on Fox News within the next 16-24 months because the military isn’t quite getting the amount of money they need to operate 100%.

This isn’t a time for libraries people, it’s time for our nation’s borders to be stronger than Afghanistan! France might have “won” a world cup, but have they won a real war? Has France proven to the world that people should fear their democracy and their right? France has not been a good ally to us for over two hundred years. How can we trust our so-called allies to help us in time of need? And never forget the threat that is North Korea and their evil nuclear intentions. Any cut to our military budget will only benefit Kim Jong-Un and Iran in their plot to destroy America and raze your hometown.

There are other ways for the military to raise money without the assistance of public broadcasting from viewers like you. We can invade a country that no other country in the world would sanction us over, like Albania. Albania is a small country located in the Adriatic Sea that could be outgunned by just our Navy and Marines. We wouldn’t even need feet on the ground for this small operation, unlike Vietnam. Albania would be our Puerto Rico for Europe. But since Europe is an unstable continent, we’re probably better off giving that territory to Russia instead.

Sadly wars are too controversial to be promoted in Congress. To do so would require, you guessed it, more budget for our military. Liberals smear this psychological thought-process as “propaganda”, but that’s what the Russians do. And we’re not the Russians you ne’er-do-weel liberal, we are the United States of America. We will match our words with our weapons, and with the golden mouth of President Donald Trump, we can show the world our true potential that we have been building up. But we’re not done building our military just yet, because we need more money.

Do what you can to the United States Army, run a bake sale in your local community, start up a lemonade stand by the gun range, or even invent a start-up and move to San Francisco and invade the liberals from where they breed. Switch the budget for “music education” for a new aircraft carrier. You can never feel too safe in this dark and scary world.

Did you know the American army has a branch called the “Coast Guard”? They defend our coasts so that the Navy can focus on making pinging noises in their submarines. They are the second smallest branch after America’s newest military branch, the Space Force. The Space Force will defend America from the third dimension: Space. The Air Force can only defend the skies to such a limited degree so the Space Force can defend America’s borders from the top down. It’s just simple Reaganomics.

Don’t worry kids, the military is there to make sure you sleep peacefully, and proudly, at night. You don’t need music education, you need protection. Donald Trump, hear my plea: fund the military, or we will bleed.

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times on multiple tours and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country.

Condoms In Class: Why Democrats Want Children To Start Breeding In Elementary School

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

I remember when I first fornicated with my soon-to-be first wife at the proper age of “16”. Back then, in 1929, you had to earn your wife the hard way: through depression and hard labor. Not much has changed since, although I’ve moved on to four other wives from there. The Barack Obama Administration was responsible for dispensing condoms to kindergarteners in an effort to promote “safe sex”. Liberals love “safe sex”, a buzzword for allowing the queers to engage in the intercourse “with protection”. But it is a total sham! The only safe sex is in a marriage curated by God or Jesus of Nazareth himself with a MAN and a WOMAN.

But this article is not about marriage and its commonly-shared traditional definition. Ever since the Obama Administration gave away condoms to every kindergarten and grade school across our 47 states, the young children began to engage in having sexual intercourse more frequently than ever, and it’s all a Democratic Party plot to garner more voters. But Democrats always live in an alternate reality where they think the rules of law and history don’t apply to their wacky beliefs. Sure, the amount of children will rise in 20ish years when they are able to vote, but can they live that long? Will they know how to vote? Can they even be successful in American society? And more importantly, are they legal American citizens? We know that there are billions of illegal immigrants all across this beautiful country, and the Obama regime is there to blame. That is why the children are breeding in schools, especially with their mothers being able to hold more than one child per year.

We are witnessing a moral degradation in our society when the children are having children. The liberals want their Woodstock to never end with their “free love” and “safe sex” devilish Jazz music. It used to be easier in life when abortion was outlawed and everybody didn’t have to invent anxiety as an excuse for not getting any. Men were men, and women were classy and didn’t reveal their knees in public so often! Now children will get their super handheld computer-phone as soon as they become a parent by the time they graduate elementary school. Only liberals would permit this, and thankfully the Donald Trump administration will bring back decency to our public schools that urgently need it.

The only way you can have “safe sex” is when you want to have children. Venereal diseases are designated for non-normative sexual couples and for anyone who puts “IT” up the bum. Poop will give you any disease when you come into contact with it, and the people who engage in this (should go without saying they are Democratic Party members) are sick and depraved. These people don’t enjoy life, they’re doing the drugs and otherwise not behaving to social order! These same people want to bring an end to the United States of America and bring in socialism and USSR-like fantasies into life!

Condoms in the classroom are merely just the beginning for the Democratic Party’s feeble-minded effort to garner more voters and attempt to overthrow President Trump’s administration. The liberals are so sick and depraved to waste what could be millions of billions of childhoods and double or quintuple the poverty rate just to get more rapport from their dormant and neglected base. The illegal immigrants, condoms, national debt, and foreign policy neglect that the Barack Obama regime has left Donald Trump with a lot of work to do. Thankfully conservatives have hired the best man for the presidency that is renowned for his decency standards for all children.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.