Month: June 2020

If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

President Trump Seeks Peace With The Blacks

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq 

There is no secret America has dealt with slavery in the past. It’s part of our history much like jazzball and the invention of firearms. Recently the Black Lives Matter movement, an anti-capitalist liberal militia located in an abandoned McDonalds in South Detroit, have decided to spread their gospel of hatred to folks across the country. Their motives are unknown, but we can’t assume it to be positive. These people have desecrated the American sacred covenant of capitalism, an act of war not that different from Japan bombing Pearl Harbor. With such animosity against the American people, President Trump has decided to finally intervene and create an amicable solution.

For those unaware of who the Black Lives Matter movement, “The Blacks” are a heavily armed militia of people whose goal is to achieve “liberation” against America for their alleged crimes against humanity. The BLM is also known for their extremely radical views supporting multiculturalism and the environment by means of “dialogue”. They claim that the dialogue is peaceful, but now they are ushering in more complaints, specifically against the finest institution America has set up, our police officers. The Black Lives Matter people are against the police, who only act to protect and to serve, and to some extent also prevent crime from happening.

The invention of the police is one of America’s greatest successes. Before the police existed, crime was rampant everywhere across every country that has ever existed in history. Peasants were literally allowed to steal from their kings and get away with it. There was no concept of “security” before 1776, which is scary to think about today. It was not until George Washington invented the “Minutemen” that a sense of protection was created to defend the Thirteen Colonies. One of these first minutemen, a man named Mike Watt and another man lost in history known only as “D Boon” were the first Americans to fight back the British and eventually secure our Independence. All of this would not happen without the police.

So now let’s go back to the present day, where the Coronavirus hoax continues to spread and Joe Biden has outed himself as the Anti-Christ hellbent on destroying America if he were to be elected President in November. President Trump knows he has a serious election to re-win, and the Blacks are an important voting bloc to advocate for. He knows the Black Lives Matter militia has been a pain to work with, but has decided to be amicable to them. Trump later detailed in a press conference,

I don’t know what you people want. I solved racism. I would have ended apartheid if I was president in 1989, but I wasn’t. What more do you people want? If you want a strong president to care about your people, I am here for you. I am here to hear for you. Trust me, believe me, Barack Obama was the worst president ever when it came to you Blacks. He lied to you like he lied to the country about 7/11. He was a traitor to our constitution and to our civil liberties. If you vote for Biden, you will vote for eternal repression and sadness. But if you vote for good ol’ me, I will give you more liberty and employment then you can possibly imagine. Do you like that, Al Sharpton?

However the Black Lives Matter militia response to President Trump’s demands remain unknown, yet hallow. All I can tell you as an expert is that President Trump has been endorsed by the Black Panthers when it comes to extraordinary success to the African American community at large. President Trump has helped African Americans receive jobs that produce a great amount of capital for the economy. Trump even has African American friends, “The Hombres”, as he likes to call them.

Hopefully a peace between our American peoples can be achieved sooner rather than later. It is unfortunate that we must be in arms against each other and not towards the Democratic Party establishment for creating unfair laws to generate massive inequality. If the BLM can listen to Trump’s pleas for peace rather than block highways and be feisty, perhaps we can all live in harmony instead of dissonant dissidence.

 

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Is Q and his ‘QAnon’ The Second Coming Of Jesus Christ?

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

For those of you searching the Internets for your latest “Grubhub”, you might have come across a group of passionately devoted followers of Jesus Christ who call themselves the “QAnon(s)”. The QAnon group of devoted evangelicals is, to put it simply, a large group of patriots extremely devoted to President Trump and his teachings, as well as good ol’ Jesus. They call themselves QAnon in order to hide their identities from oppressive liberals that would hunt them down and convert them to the Nancy Pelosi ideology of pure evil and callousness under The Deep State. The Q’s as they like to be called, are some of the most vigorous and toughest allies of the Trump Administration in their war against the evil atheist immorberal ideology, but there is always more than meets the eye when it comes to QAnon.

The leader of the QAnon militia to plowshares movement is a man only known by the alias, “Q”. Q has strong parallels to Jesus Christ. Both are presumed to be in their early 30’s, both invoke the wrath of God if nothing correct comes their way, and we know nothing else about them. From the outside, it would be easy to deem Q and his anon followers of Jesus to be a ‘hoax’ when this is far from the case. QAnon is very much a real and important lobby of Republican voters who will go to bat against the evil Democrat Deep State Party and their desire to end America as we know it. These followers rally with slogans such as “Where We Go One We Go All” (whatever the hell that means),  “The Storm” a hopeful event where the Deep State is overthrown in a tidal storm, and “The Great Awakening” which refers to President Trump’s inevitable reelection.

While the QAnon movement is full of people who will be our future politicians and civic leaders, Q only seems to talk in cryptic riddles to hide their identity, only posting to an imageboard-like website of what appears to be a Xanga. We’ve requested interviews with Q, to no response. It’s unfortunate we can’t hear the beautiful James Baldwin-esque prose of these young Republicans. It is therefore safe to assume that “Q” is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Never in my 106 (approaching 107 this month) years of living on God’s green Earth have I ever encountered such poetry that has touched my soul since Casey At The Bat. His words have galvanized a new base within the Republican Party full of brave men and women whose only politics consist of truthiness.

The main antagonist to Q and his “anons” are the very real threat that is The Deep State. The Deep State is a long-running hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department that engage in elaborate tactics the common American is unaware about. These tactics mostly include general Democratic Party racketeering and as QAnon followers allege, is the center of a massive pedophile ring across the United States. Since the Deep State works in secrecy it is hard to validate the veracity, unless you believe and worship Jesus Christ 2.0, Q. Q admits he is a member of “The Deep State” and that he must communicate his messages anonymously onto the Internet in order for people to be aware that the Deep State exists and is actively harmful to us all. Does this all remind you of a heavenly figure named Jesus Christ? The parallels don’t stop there.

Jesus Christ was also involved in a hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department within the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ claimed WAS the Second Coming of the Messiah to the Jewish People.  Jesus Christ was operating under the Catholic Empire, the Deep State of its era. Jesus had to spread his messages in hiding or be subject to Judeo-Roman tyranny. Not to mention the pedophile ring that occurred in the Roman Empire. Yes, these stories are too odd to be so coincidental So similar in fact the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy cannot even apply. Q, much more likely than it can be unlikely, is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ that we were told about in The Bible. If this were not the case, Q would not be able to spread his Xanga iambic pentameter prose on the Internet. And without Jesus, Q could not possibly exist. They are symbiotic, which means there is danger at our door.

We must devote all our resources into finding and dissolving this Deep State, for Q’s sake. President Trump was elected to solve tough problems, and the Deep State is a significantly deep problem that must be stopped to save our State. No longer should we tolerate shadowy government figures that hide in bureaucracy in heavily windowed buildings, for they are the operatives of the Democratic Party and possible Catholics. These Deep State figures not only tried to revive Jeffery Epstein but were definitely collaborators of OBAMAGATE. President Trump cannot do this alone, we must expose the Deep State by worshiping Jesus Christ every Sunday!! WE DO THIS FOR GOD!!!!

 
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.