Trump Pardons American Hero Joe Arpaio

Written by Carlos Gutierrez

First, on behalf of everyone at Bullshit News, we would like to extend our prayers to those suffering in Houston, Louisiana, and elsewhere with Hurricane Harvey. Hurricanes suck, no one should go through them.

But, today we celebrate the freedom of former Sheriff of Maricopa County (Phoenix, AZ), known (when he was in power) as America’s harshest sheriff. Joe set the legal precedent of how a sheriff can make a municipality tough and safe, by any means necessary. Diligent with the law and conducting himself, he was slandered by judicial activism and nearly had to serve time for “contempt of court”, a meaningless legal phrase used to imprison people that disagree with the court’s opinion. Thankfully, this atrocious abuse of judicial power was pardoned by our 45th president who killed Hillary Clinton in the electoral college, Donald J. Trump.

“Average” Joe Arpaio knew how to punish criminals who ruthlessly disobeyed the law and treated the criminals accordingly to the crimes they committed, a true modern day biblical interpretation of “Eye for an Eye”. Many sheriffs across America were cowardly and could never quite punish criminals the right way, hence the rise of the private prison industry to correct this sin. The only way to stop crime is through fear itself, intimidate those Godless criminals and instill some morality on the Islamic criminals that come to our country to promote their “Jihads”. Average Joe knew the job of a sheriff is to be tough and to make his community safe, which is exactly what he did, and he excelled at his job so well liberals had to complain that someone in the government was doing an efficient job. Upset that Joe was allegedly mistreating his criminals, (Note to liberals: if a criminal is in prison, they are to be punished accordingly. It is their fault they are in prison, to begin with) the vast left-wing media sought to punish good ol’ Arpaio. They almost succeeded, but they didn’t see the pardon coming to him now did they? There’s nothing the liberals can do to prohibit the pardoning. Good job, President Trump!

Congrats to “Average” Joe Arpaio on defeating the corrupt liberal agenda to throw him into the prison he instilled tough retribution against the criminals who oppose our free and democratic society. May this be the first of many pardons Trump ushers to those who were found guilty of “crimes” they did not commit. The criminal justice system is not perfect, because how the hell can a sheriff go to prison? They are here to protect us, not to join the criminals and be a threat to society. Joe Arpaio is an American hero, serving his role as the leader of defending freedom, and his pardon will be a sign to those that if you disobey the law, expect divine punishment and retribution.

Carlos Gutierrez is the Bullshit News correspondent on Criminal Justice Issues and Immigration. He was born in Corpus Christi, Texas and is as American as you or anyone else that isn’t Muslim or Jewish. Devoted to his lovely local Catholic Church, Carlos is an active member of his community and goes to church every Sunday, before the Cowboys game. Carlos worked on the 2016 Ted Cruz presidential campaign before coming to Bullshit News.

Confederate Monuments Are Our History And If You Disagree You’re An Ignorant Racist

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

This country has a Civil War problem and a problem with our civility. The liberals refuse to acknowledge the Civil War being started as a state’s rights issue when Dred Scott was found guilty of being a free slave in a territory he was not free (see Dred Scott vs. Sandford for some liberal ownage). They also don’t mind the Southern states fighting for their state’s legal right to own property. Areas throughout the continental United States have many statues of leaders of the Confederacy, Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson among other good men of noble character. These brave men dedicated their rights to one of the more underrated Amendments, #10 in this case. These monuments need to stay in an upright position for Americans to enjoy and acknowledge their history and for them to gaze at the statue in such a way that their back posture is fixed with the monuments being upright. The youth these days always have that arched humpback that harms their future. Teenage millennials, if you are reading this, fix your posture and trim those sideburns!

Liberals always complain about how slavery was demeaning and immoral, but where would we be today without the Civil War? We would become even more divided and would ruin the unique characteristics that make America great. Without slavery, America would never learn about the evils of racism. How could we teach our children that the black ones that grow up with them that this country was fought over the logistics of the 10th amendment? They don’t even know what amendment means! So liberals think children know what slavery really is, and say “slavery” started the war and not constitutional scholars literally fighting over interpretations of the 10th amendments and state’s rights. It’s a shame that the liberalization of public education has forced Blacks to accept an alternate history where they are routinely marginalized.

The corrosion of Black-American values from our public education has effectively put Black people in a worse place today than they have ever been since they were slaves in Haiti. Liberals have made black people feel accepted for being outside the American cultural norm, and have instituted the learning of “ebonics” in Oakland elementary schools. The liberals have popularized the rap music, which makes the blacks dance, swear profusely, celebrate their ancestry in America with chains of gold, and dangerous drug usage, among other degrading activities they feel obligated to do. Some blame segregation for this, but it really is a part of their urban folk music which harms the mind akin to lead poisoning. The liberals do this to them so they vote democrat, naturally.

But enough slave talk, let’s talk about those that fought bravely to defend their rights, which we should respect with the monuments. These brave men of the Confederacy risked their lives over an idea, similar to know-nothing wannabe “business leaders” in San Fagcisco call “a startup company”, and were martyrs for their cause. That is the true American story, almost to folkloric to be real but it was. We need monuments to celebrate this moment in American history where the American dream was put to the test and passed, well kind of. But it was good enough fable to teach our children in American History classrooms.

This is exactly why we need Confederate monuments: If we don’t remember history, we are doomed to repeat it. We need to learn that the Confederacy fought for their rights and they should be commemorated as such. It’s history, folklore, and if we don’t have monuments to celebrate their martyrdom, they will be reduced to an urban myth. People need to understand the Civil War, but outside their liberal classrooms and read a BOOK!

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. His centenarian mind and wisdom are a bright addition to the Bullshit News team.

Dumb Liberals Start “Quit For Kaepernick” Efforts To Help Disgraced Ex-Quarterback Colin Kaepernick Get A Job While Terminating Their Own Employment In Solidarity

Written by Deborah Schlasser

Stupid dumb liberals are at it again! Colin Kaepernick, the famous vegan loser from the Superbowl annual humongous football championship event from “Queer County” San Francisco 49ers, remains unemployed in his efforts to backup a significantly better quarterback. His contract with the 49ers has now ended, and surprise surprise, no one wants a quarterback whose specialty involves running fast and kneeling to Mohammed for forgiveness. His team went 2-14, only beating the “Los Angeles” (still weird) Rams, purely from his bad quarterback play. The dumb 49ers invested money into Jim Tomsula and Chip Kelly to make Colin Kaepernick a productive quarterback to win the Superbowl football championship game, and they both failed and were fired after one year. Of course, a team from San Francisco, hippie beatnik land, can’t budget their money wisely to even SNIFF the playoffs!! They are paying for their coaches salaries still, and their chance to actually land in the playoffs is a good fortnight or fortyear away. At least they are free with Colin “Quarterback” Kaepernick, who lost a Superbowl premiere football game to Joe Flacco, for goodness sake. Maybe if he were a fullback he could find a job, but his career might be put to a close this off-season as owners in the NFL agree: Colin Kaepernick has no football skills and will only be a liberal shill to their team’s locker room. No one wants that.

So liberals that can’t afford rent in the San Francisco Bay Area joining Colin Kaepernick’s efforts to be a quarterback in the league by quitting their own jobs to give Kaepernick, a millionaire who throws his money into the Black Panthers, whatever Boko Haram is, and the infamous militia, Black Lives Matter. These liberals hate America as they too refuse to rise and stand up for our National Anthem, a prayer blessed to us from God. They refuse to be productive units for our strong economy and now will join the failed slumdog quarterback millionaire Kaepernick by joining him and becoming unemployed. This movement reportedly started in Berkeley, is reported to have found “at least” 6,000 active participants to join them. We must force these liberals to serve our fries to us as WE in the participating economy, demand them too! They are whining their ways to profit from our dumb unemployment welfare system, we cannot allow them to do this! We must evict their apartments and studios because we know they cannot afford where they live without a job in the Bay Area! These wastes of tax paying dollars need to not show empathy to a terrible quarterback, but to be productive workers of America by paying taxes and HAVING A JOB!

Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports tabloid correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears.

Editor’s Note: NFL, this is a non-profit entity. Don’t sue us for referencing your unemployed athlete or championship game that produces significant ratings/shares to our great economy.

Liberalism And The Dangers Of Extremist Rhetoric

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-At-Chief

It is a travesty in this country that our current President of the United States and Commander-In-Chief Donald Trump has an uncommonly low approval rating according to the newest polls. Presidents should be admired and thoroughly respected as the strongest, most masculine leader of the free world whose job is to be the world’s biggest lobbyist for democracy. Preaching freedom every day, to every state, because it is the right and the justest thing for the President of the United States to be. But today we live in turbulent times with White House staff shake-ups becoming a weekly headline to distract us from the fact that the mainstream media is targeting Republicans and conservatives for standing true to our principles and supporting the president no matter what. Let Bullshit News tell you who liberals are and why they challenge the status quo of our country in order to manufacture drama and political deceit in our wonderful America.

Liberal is an ambiguous political term that has changed quite a bit in history. There are a variety of liberals, such as the Neo-liberal, the globalist liberal, socialists, closet communists, and John McCain.  For the purpose of our website, we do not mean to use the term liberal to disparage the word liberal, but to those that consistently disagree with the American definition of freedom. These liberals often pledge themselves to the Democratic Party, but the more extremist kinds join the “Green”, “Democratic Socialist”, or “Independent” parties. Many liberals tend to live in the west coast, New York, or whatever city is “trending” these days on Twitter or Instagram. Also Austin, never forget Austin or the Alamo for the record.

But what do liberals tend to believe in, when it comes to the world of politics? The antithesis of everything that America stands for. Military spending? “Slash it in half, for the school!” Abortion? “Yes, sir one for every family, provided from the government!” Supporting Israel? “Well I don’t know Mr. Strawman that’s a complex and pretty multifaceted issue to bring up you can’t possibly be totally in favor of one group of people over another”. Their rhetoric is disgusting and alarming, they don’t want a strong military, are “pro-choice” when they actually don’t want you to have a choice when it comes to having a child, and attempt to dissuade people from formulating opinions. They support censorship and thought suppression.

Liberals often preach “tolerance” in such a way they do not condemn terroristic extremist behavior, found in places such as the radical Islamic religion. It is in their ideological thinking that you cannot call out a Nazi for being a Nazi because we have to create a “safe space”. It is dangerous to assume this behavior. Suppose you go out on your date, and someone wearing Nazi paraphernalia is out in the theater, silent, while watching the trailers to their Hollywood propaganda film about superheroes. You, the rational God-fearing American, would decry the Nazi and shame him, but the liberals in their Nickelodeon 5-cent entertainment sap would tell you to “hush”, or perhaps even “Boo” you for trying to kick a Nazi out of a theater. But if you scream “Fire” in the theater, they all get scared. Those snowflakes are always scared to get burned, ironic given their political knowledge supporting the ability to fight fire with fire.

The liberals try to quell your speech by crying out “political correctness” to assess your “tolerance” and berate you so you choose to make an “improper” joke or point out something. They give you their agenda but don’t tell you why they support it, and overall liberals and the Democrat party are there to generate a terrible amount of bureaucracy and other red tape investigations or earmarks to waste hard-working lower middle-class American tax dollars. Ideally, a two party system would work together and pass bills and other legislation, such as allowing the United States military to go to war with Guatemala whenever a bipartisan deal gets done. Unfortunately today all Democrats and all other liberals do is complain and stall, budging the Republican party from accomplishing anything in Congress.

Today is a good day to remind you that although liberals claim to be “tolerant” despite the fact the Grand Ole Party freed the Slaves and started the Civil Rights Movement, they will shut down your speech before they can even rationalize about what you said, all because of saying something that is offensive or  “out of the line”. A liberal is unable to process certain critical thinking skills, which is often why you hardly see them as lawyers, judges, or a pitcher. Do not let the liberal suppress your speech, bark back at them, and remind them which party really supports the dominant social paradigm.

Don Kaftan is the founder of  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA. Don Kaftan’s resume was rejected from Fox News, which ignited the fire for Don to start and spread his message of conservatism to everyone beyond the electromagnetic spectrum.