Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

War On Christmas Records First Casualty Since 1979

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The War On Christmas, initiated by the F.D.R Administration as part of the New Deal to “stimulate job growth”, has created a personal tragedy to the Adams family. Little Diego Adams was only 8 years old when CHRISTMAS carolers came to his family’s door to sing a carol to young Diego when all of the carolers ripped off their masks and revealed themselves as the marauding Antifa Holiday Peddler-Bandits, a mischief group of young college-aged Atheists acting against Christmas and God-fearing Protestants everywhere. Little Diego was taken away from his home, and was reported to be sodomized, lobotomized, and beaten to death for being a Christian who had the audacity to say, “Merry Christmas”. This is the second casualty of the War on Christmas, the first occurred when a member of the American Family Association was gunned down by a Godless Islamic heathen at church in Baldwyn, Mississippi.

Senseless tragedies like this cannot be exploited for unethical purposes. Diego died with dignity, and the extremely downhearted Adams family would not like your grubby liberal handouts via GoFundMe or Kickstarter or whatever. They are still grieving from this tragedy and all the mainstream media can talk about is that Starbucks and other disgusting liberal corporations (the greedy fascists Muslims that they are) REFUSE to say a simple politically correct “Merry Christmas”. We have human beings that are DYING because of the Atheist’s agenda to secularize our God-fearing country.

The next time a liberal loony tells you that no one is harmed because of the War on Christmas, call them out for who they are, a gosh-darned liar who takes pleasure from striking fear in the hearts of God-loving Americans and Christians who know about the sanctity of their beloved Holiday. It is crass to defame Christians in this holy time of the year where Jesus Christ was created in our world. We were born to share his glory over his loss, and we cannot take away his name for the benefit of Jews, Muslims, and Black People who demand to have holidays the same time as Jesus’s birth. Blood has been shed, and this senseless violence has got to end.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a War On Christmas analyst. She has covered Afghanistan and Iraq in one year and has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Roger Ailes. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.