BREAKING: Starbucks Issues Corporate Fatwa Against Christmas, Christians

Written By Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief and Founder

Starbucks, known for their portrayal of indigenous people for coffee, which is not at all a symbolism of their undisclosed illegal immigrant (and by proxy, child) labor, has issued a corporate fatwa that ensures customers to have a happy “holidays” and not Christmas. A Fatwa, for those that do not study Godless Islamic Terrorism, is an Islamic statement typically involving a harsh punishment of some cruel and unusual treatment. This is a direct attack on Americans everywhere that celebrate Christmas to honor our capitalist tradition of spending money frivolously, carefully, and freely. It is what being American is all about, and Starbucks wants this practice to end. We, at Bullshit News, would like to issue a boycott of all Starbucks coffee, equipment, tires, merchandise, whatever has that illicit queer alien lesbian logo slapped on a sticker or whatever, Starbucks is defaming America, and must be stopped.

Coffee is something that can be easily made at home from a “coffee maker”. Luckily, there are various alternative outlets for our ubiquitous natural amphetamine, and we do not need to purchase our coffee from Islamists that want to deprecate on American values. Their refusal to not put Christmas imagery on their cups is a minor but fair reason to boycott Starbucks, but their latest fatwa is a spit to Lady Liberty herself. They do not want to treat Jesus Christ (blessed in his name) with the dignity and respect he brought when he morally saved our founders from going to hell for owning slaves. Starbucks does not acknowledge Jesus and idealizes the terrorists winning.

We must not stand silent in acts of extreme prejudice placed upon us by Starbucks. We must fight back with our wallets, and refuse to acknowledge the world’s most common LIBERAL coffee company. It’s time for an international boycott to prevent Starbucks of funding the War on Christmas or the next intifada. Starbucks must face what it’s like to defame Christmas and Christians everywhere and must suffer the consequences of it. No crisis management PR firm can save them now, not even Jesus.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan says Merry Christmas to all, and so should you.