SPECIAL OP-ED: Why I Never Went To Ukraine by Rudy Giuliani

Written by Rudy Giuliani, Esq 

There has been a lot of news about my client, President Donald Trump, who may or may not have tried to make a TRADE DEAL with The Ukraine. But the lamestream media (that of which is biased towards the liberals) thinks that I, THE Rudy Giuliani and defender of New York on 9/11/2001, would somehow go to Ukraine and engage in an act of “Quid Pro Quo”, or deal/trade making. The lamemainstream liberal media would like you to believe that Quid Pro Quos are illegal (they aren’t), but even worse is that they think I, THE Rudy Giuliani, went to Ukraine all by myself to help Donald Trump do something feasibly illegal. These allegations are fake news, and with the thanks of Don Kaftan, I finally have an outlet to free myself from these baseless accusations.

As we all know, Democrats hate freedom and elections where they lose. They are the sorest losers in our society, always saying that elections are rigged and that Voter ID is bad, et cetera. They gain new excuses each decade to save face for their parties’ lack of ideas on how to fix the deficit and their feebleminded attempts to raise all of our taxes so they can steal our hard-working money. I never went to Ukraine for any reason, ever. I don’t know anybody in Ukraine nor do I know what sights, restaurants, or lavish gentleman’s clubs that exist in Ukraine. I NEVER WENT THERE, EVER. The idea that I wanted to help some two gentlemen named Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman with a quick pro biscuit is ridiculous. Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman are two names I would think of on the top of my head that sound like Ukrainians that deal with gravel pits or university dust bowl experts or what have you. Agriculture professors, not some money-laundering experts that have any expertise in politics or economics. I don’t know who either of those two people are. As far as I know, they were invented by the media to smear me and my client.

Now I ask you, faithful and smart conservatives that read this wonderful and stupendous website, why would I ever be in Ukraine? I’m busy helping America become great again, so why would I go to Ukraine and ask for their help to make America great again? It’s pure nonsense, just like Mueller’s witchhunt investigation to dismantle American unity from within. Now some media outlets like Breitbart allege that I was having communications with Parnas and Fruman (again, I don’t think these people exist but the media claims that they do) which would be enough to allegedly damage my reputable reputation which is again, a falsehood of the highest order (libel perhaps?). I never went to Ukraine. EVER. 

It is beyond my wildest comprehension that anyone would want to incriminate me, let alone President Trump, in some wild foreign policy conspiracy theory about Ukraine and corruption as well as the attacks on character towards my client and I. Why would I want to hurt my own country, The United States of America, when I nearly prevented 9/11 from happening until it was too late? I was the one who helped save our country on 9/12 and made us come back from that harrowing attack that nearly killed 3,000 people on our own soil in New York City, New York where I was mayor for quite some time. As mayor of New York City, one of the most stupendous sights in the world, why would I spend some time in Ukraine, let alone talk to some weirdos about money or whatever? I never went to Ukraine. EVER.

It is simply asinine for me to explain myself to the patriotic American people that I never went to Ukraine. EVER. For any reason. I don’t know who started these baseless rumors but they should be punished swiftly for libeling and slandering my name as well as President Donald Trump’s in a vain effort to push him out of office for being one of the loudest and great patriots of our time. So I ask you, have you ever went to Ukraine to make money? No of course not, there are better places to make money and Ukraine is not one of them. Hell, I would go to Syria before Ukraine if I wanted to make some money. But I was looking to make money inside America, and NOT UKRAINE. I have been attacked from these baseless accusations and writing this article up is distracting me from the very real work and soft power I’ve been working hard on making our country great and secure again. There’s a lot of work I have to do so I’m going to leave you all on one final note.

I NEVER WENT TO UKRAINE. EVER. I HAVE NO BUSINESS OR FAMILY OR RELATIONS OR SECRET WIVES OR ANY MONEY HIDDEN AWAY IN A BANK IN UKRAINE. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE IN MY LIFE AND I AM NOT UKRAINIAN. ANY ACCUSATION ABOUT UKRAINE TO ME OR MY CLIENT, PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, IS A FALSEHOOD. I WILL SUE THE NEXT NEWS ORGANIZATION FOR LIBEL IF THEY THREATEN TO ME OR MY CLIENT ABOUT POTENTIALLY BEING IN UKRAINE, WHICH AGAIN, I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO. NEITHER HAS PRESIDENT TRUMP BUT ALSO I HAVE NOT BEEN TO UKRAINE. EVER BEFORE. OR PREVIOUSLY THEREAFTER. NEVER. BEEN. TO UKRAINE. NOT EVEN ONCE. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

Have a pleasant evening, everyone! I’m going to watch Mork & Mindy and eat some baked beans with mustard.

Rudy Giuliani is the former mayor of New York City from 1994 to 2001, where he successfully defended America from more godless Islamic barbarian attacks after 9/11. Formally known as “America’s Mayor”, Rudy Giuliani is one of the most successful mayors in American history, helping to stop crimes from happening in NYC permanently as well as his fierce tenacity to defend America from the evil forces that try to attack America’s “quality of life”. Rudy is known to have a super keen sense of smell that allowed him to know when exactly terrorists were about to attack the World Trade Center on 9/11. 

The Only People Who Should Be Afraid Of Torture Are Liberals (For Not Understanding Common Sense)

Written by Sgt. Abu Ghraib 

It’s an established fact in every American history textbook, the finest textbooks regarding history in the whole world, that the Democratic Party (DNC) is responsible for slavery (AKA racism) and their support for gentrification, gerrymandering, and abortion, also miss the boat when it comes to legal and proper use of Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, known in the mass media pop culture vernacular as “torture”. Of course, the United States would never use “torture” on any American citizen no matter their race, sexual orientation, or other. “Torture”, or EIT for short, is a broad subject and can be quite elaborate to talk about in great detail. I was hired by Bullshit News to do my best to describe the history and proper ritual of EIT, so here we go!

EIT, that’s T for techniques not “torture”, is conducted only when the enemy, typically a committed “hater” of American values and decency, someone that truly hates freedom and Democracy that decided to become a higher up in the military rule of a terrorist country, commonly a Godless Islamic Barbarian type to boot, refuses to comply with the American government about details regarding their military or country that could give a benefit to American warfare. The information the convicted felon from another country is called “intelligence”, even though the enemy is often not very intelligent (because they are brainwashed by communist barbarians to hate Democracy and Freedom). If the enemy refuses to comply and offer the intelligence, then actions of EIT will be undergone to extract the intelligence. These actions are always interrogations well, actually enhanced interrogations, which implies that more force will be used is merely rhetorical and not indicative of any use of harm or alleged cruel and unusual punishment.

Now we really musn’t call it “torture”, that is merely a mainstream media buzzword for having a conflicting opinion about the tactics of war. Now, most journalists have never fought in a war, unlike me, so they don’t understand and have no clear idea about what happens when you’re fighting a war, especially in the desert. Should these hack mainstream media journalists at Breitbart really be the ones to judge warfare? And to have the so-called ethos to tell the public or “inside subscribers” to their access/extra-“gotcha journalism” about details like what goes on in Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever country that happens to mettle with the might of the United States should not offer any opinions about warfare. Listen only to people that served, they know what happens. Civilians can’t easily comprehend the horrors I and every office in the military have seen. Believe us, not CNN.

Now that we got that all out of the way, we can talk briefly about the history of EIT. EIT was first mentioned and likely invented in Sun Tzu’s Art of War in the 5th Century Before Christ (BC). Sun Tzu merely wrote on the tools and techniques of EIT from his time, which has now evolved to include computers and social media websites.  Most of the time period between Sun Tzu and the War of Independence is largely irrelevant and can be explained in better detail by the Bible and a page or two in the Quran. Just know that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and all the great Founding Fathers of their time universally agreed on two things, the Bill of Rights and approval of EIT. Such use of EIT was how this country was informed, and so long as other citizens weren’t conducting EIT on each other, then there should be no controversy. This is what lead to the creation of the 3rd and 8th Amendments.

Perhaps the greatest practitioners in the art of EIT were the brain trust of the Bush Administration, one of America’s most successful governments not just by GDP growth, but as the administration with the greatest exporting of freedom and liberty by any government in recorded human history. Lead by the one and only President George W. Bush, the only man on 9/11/2001 to steer our country away from Terror and Anarchic Communist Terrorism and propel America into an even stronger Democracy and Freedom exporting country than Osama Bin Laden and his ISIS/ISIL followers could spread terrorism and their Godless Islamic Barbarianism.

Those within the brain trust include his Vice-President Dick Cheney who was personally responsible for strengthening the Bush Administrations use of EIT and wrote many, many dissertations on the subject, Donald Rumsfeld who was called “The Architect” of EIT in the Bush Administration, Rumsfeld helped eased media and public tension regarding the knowns and unknowns (as well as the known knowns and unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns) and means of acquiring intelligence through any means otherwise not detailed during the Geneva Convention or similar peace protocols.

We can spend another 1,000 words about how the Bush Administration essentially reinvented EIT, so I won’t talk any more on it. But if you, the loyal and faithful reader of Bullshit News ever wants to learn more about the success of the Bush Administration or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, the local library is usually located in your city or census-designated place and will have books about it, nothing you can ever find in those darn Obamaphones!

But I digress. Hopefully, you have learned more about EIT and the success the United States of America has been conducting it since the tragic morning of September 11th, 2001. But I also must inform you that the opponents of EIT, who again are the inane liberals over at the Democratic Party, don’t understand the benefits and success EIT has given to our country, unlike you–the faithful and well-educated patriotic reader. Thank you. Thank you for understanding how America works, unlike the phony liberals that threaten to destroy our countries unity on a daily basis.

 

Sgt. Abu Ghraib is Bullshit News’ newest Correspondent, providing expert analysis and thought-out opinions about the on-going threats of the War on Terror and the Godless Islamic Barbaric Terrorists that conduct it. Whether it’s Morocco, Israel, Iraq, Palestine, Las Vegas or Iran, Abu fought in the Iraq War and enjoyed it so much he went to Afghanistan where he is stationed today in Kabul. Abu was born and raised in Macon, Georgia to prove all the “haters’ that bullied him in his high school that he was much more American than they are, and never looked back. Abu is currently on inactive duty, eagerly waiting for his name to be called at any moment.