Written by Dan Shapiro and Pastor John Mathewson
Here at Bullshit News, we always want the public to engage in open discourse to show why liberals are wrong. Maybe then they will finally learn how life works. One such liberal misconception is their theory on “Abortion”, or terminating a child while the child is being formulated. We have brought up an open forum for our two contributors, Dan Shapiro and Pastor John Mathewson for our new segment, Point/Counterpoint.
Pastor John Mathewson: Point: Abortions, at any occurrence, are murdered children in the eyes of God. It is an abomination.
Dan Shapiro: Counterpoint: Anyone who commits an abortion should die. The so-called “doctor” and the women in question. Eye for an eye.
PJM: Point: It is a state’s right to decide the illegality of abortion.
DS: Counterpoint: Abortion should be illegal by a constitutional amendment.
PJM: Point: That’s pretty difficult to do, we should be a bit more realistic in our approach.
DS: Counterpoint: Donald Trump is still our president. Nothing can stop us.
PJM: Point: If abortion is illegal, so-called “back-alley abortions” will occur more often. They are, in a sense ironically, deadlier than a normal abortion.
DS: Counterpoint: Use birth control and don’t get pregnant. It’s that simple.
PJM: Point: Abortions are the kind of thing devil daughters like Lisa Simpson do.
DS: Counterpoint: A woman who has never had an abortion is purer than a virgin.
PJM: Point: If you undergo a single abortion, you will go to hell where Sun Ra commands the radio stations.
DS: Counterpoint: Sun Ra is a phenomenal Jazz musician, but hell is still a horrible and treacherous place. Can’t argue about theology with a pastor!
PJM: Point: Planned Parenthood needs to be totally defunded from the government for the assistance of baby homicides.
DS: Counterpoint: Anyone working at Planned Parenthood needs to go to prison. Along with Hillary Clinton. Murder is unacceptable by almost every ethical tenet.
PJM: Point: Some claim an abortion is only permissible in the first three months.
DS: Counterpoint: An abortion is an abortion. It is the termination of life, no questions asked.
PJM: Point: Abortions are harder to get to since the passage of Roe Vs. Wade.
DS: Counterpoint: Women can get abortions from their smartphone apps. Instagram has been paying scientists to figure out a way for women to get abortions through their app without a doctor at all. This will lead to future problems regarding the ease of access to abortion.
PJM: Point: God called me last night and said abortions were explicitly forbidden.
DS: Counterpoint: I can’t be contrarian to that because I am not a Godless Islamic heathen.
PJM: Point: All women should undergo ultrasounds before having an abortion.
DS: Counterpoint: All women should undergo multiple X-Ray exams and stare at the charts with the Ludovico technique.
PJM: Point: Sharia Law permits abortions because they are “halal”.
DS: Counterpoint: Our strictly Judeo-Christian patriotic heritage will not be threatened by Zionism or its attempts at creating abortions!
We can agree to disagree with each other. It’s the freedom that is the aura of America. We hope you’ve seen both perspectives on an important issue in American politics. Continue the conversation, bring it up on dates to your potential spouses, it’s important that every American is informed about jihads committed by so-called doctors on a daily basis, right here in our own backyard.
Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrians, excluding Calvinists.
Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan Shapiro went to Yale and graduate at the top of his class with his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB.