Tag: israel

Is President Donald Trump Not Only One Of The Greatest Presidents Of All Time, But Could He Be God?

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

President Donald Trump accepted praise from a significant holy pastor whose rank is higher than my own, Wayne Allyn Root. To keep his description neatly brief, he is able to communicate to God with a much higher profile. Now longtime faithful readers of the Bullshit News know that I, too, can speak to God unlike some other mear “pastor” or “priest” or “Imam”. Don’t get me started on those “rabbis” and their ribbiting.

Holy Pastor Root proclaims that God declared President Trump from his latest revelation that was communicated via the medium of Twitter: “Jewish people in Israel love him…. like he’s the King Of Israel. They love him like he’s the Second Coming Of GOD“. And if Wayne Allyn Root is my superior in my field, to say in Republican terms, then he must be correct. And as Donald Trump continues to Make America Great Again, it appears to be that he has made America, and consequently Israel, into the most divine and blessed areas on Earth. Thus, with the almighty power that President Donald Trump has, is he God? I will do the science and thinking for you to read and ponder.

For you see, President Trump has made his initial iconic promise which is to “Make America Great Again”. Yes, it may be a broad goal or ambition to achieve something which may not bluntly appear on a political platform, but Jesus Christ (of Nazareth) also ran on similar principles when he wanted to be a priest. And, like Jesus, Donald Trump has never lost an election or business venture. When Jesus was allegedly defying God, he was persecuted and sentenced to death. When Donald Trump was allegedly defying God, in the eyes of mass media and The Daily Caller, he was persecuted more-so then Christ (as Jesus of Nazareth did not live in an era where “social media” existed more than cave paintings) and half of the country, unpatriotic and not wavering to Democracy as much as they ought to, want him dead. Aside from the era of technology we live in, this analysis is spot-on and explains how America is working today.

The Democrats have often engaged in anti-Christ behavior and ideology, which is no surprise to many of you faithful readers of Bullshit News. But sometimes we need to say the obvious out loud (…or rather type it out loud) because of the centrists and moderates that are as uncertain in ideology as they are people are unaware of the Democratic Party’s tricks when it comes to taking over America via radical ideologies like socialism. God, like Donald Trump, was also persecuted by the very own people he claimed were “chosen” to receive “his book”. What God also shares in personality is his breviloquence in ideology. God and President Trump don’t need to orate essays onto the masses that are too busy watching the TV on their smartphones, they know the brevity of their words is what gives them their power. The New Testament and The Art Of The Deal are about the same length words-wise and both can be finished in the same amount of time, the only difference between the two books is the slightly more modern language found in TAOTD.

But Holy Pastor Root’s revelations have been a source of controversy from, you guessed it, the Democratic Party. DNC activists like Joe Biden and John Delaney have called one of the greatest pastors in American history “blasphemous” and “an act against God” as if these democrats have ever once stepped into church and talked to God, let alone ever studied a day of theology in their lives! How could these incompetent and potentially impotent men ever claim they know the words of the Lord if they act rebelliously against Christ? They know nothing, like all Democrats, but they have the audacity to claim they are at a higher level with God then pastors like Wayne Root and me.

Blasphemy aside, Pastor Root also gave word that President Trump, according to God and his best friend Jesus Christ, will be the one to save us from the apocalypse and Hell from appearing on Earth (aside from Albania). Heretics from the DNC will be burned on the cross soon enough, for when the moment the apocalypse will finally start, no one will be spared unless they are Christian (as the Bible dictates). Upon my own experiences on reading the Bible for the 187,325th time in my lifetime, I can assure you that anyone God-fearing, Christian, and Republican will be saved for the most part, but any Democrat that claims they are with Christ yet supports socialism and/or various other evil ideologies, they will not be spared. This includes Jews.

And once Trump was nominated to be the leading nominee for the Republican Party back in 2016, I was all but certain that if the apocalypse were about to happen (which it nearly did under the Barack Obama regime), the GOP would find a way to save us with a real Christian to help prevent the worst from happening. And among all the GOP nominees in 2016, President Trump was the one that was THE MOST Christian of ALL of them, the most pious, and righteously the one with the most patriotic fervor to care and uphold American values that are explicitly stated in the constitution. And as President Trump saves us from the apocalypse on November 8th, 2016, a feat bigger than anything Jesus ever truly did, is when I initially began to ponder, is Donald Trump actually greater than God himself (for what he has done to our country)?

President Trump on the outside may not appear to be a humble man, but his belief and devotion to Christ and God are strong on the inside. President Trump, like God, does not play games (unless it’s golf every now and then), but they rule similarly. While Democrats engage in blasphemy and oppose any sort of bipartisan legislation meant to better the country, And while the Democratic Party cannot wait to usher in the apocalypse and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump will be here to stand guard and defend Christianity from not only the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Jewish Inquistadors, but to defend America as commanded from the Lord himself. So when it comes to the “Greatest Presidents Of All Time”, there’s only one president who was literally commanded by God to run this country, and his name is Donald Trump.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Scientologists, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Solving The Israel/Palestine Thing

~ DonKaftan ~ 8 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Today marks the 70th year anniversary of Israel’s existence, as well as the official move of their embassy from Tel Aviv (a place) to Jerusalem, the holiest site on Earth where Jesus Christ of Nazareth roamed in the most important time of his life. Israel, in many ways, is America Jr. Israel is particularly strong in their liberty to freedom ratio and they dislike the evil scourge of Godless Islamic Atheism and liberalism on our planet. The president of Israel and the King Elder of Zion is Benjamin Netanyahu, often called “Bibi” by Israelis because he looks too much like a rabbit. Netanyahu is a strong supporter of Donald Trump, so he’s good for every God-fearing American Christian as well. Palestine, Israel’s neighbor, is the drug-addled Bullwinkle to Israel’s Rocky.

Israel is an important ally for America because they are the only country in the Middle East with a strong liberty to freedom ratio, and for helping assist American military technology with their Jewish physics. With the United States embassy’s move to Jerusalem, we Christians are better prepared for the end of the world, for the Bible in the book of Exodus states:

….And only when all those with traces of Judaism inside them fulfill all 613 commandments…. When the Jewish people have a modern nation-state that values capitalism, abhors socialism (communism), disavowal of Godless Islamic Atheism that heathen and burden society, and an embassy to the United States is in Jerusalem (Yerushalayim), only then can the end of times be saved by the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.

(Exodus: 17:8-9)

So it is important for America to give military money to Israel, or tzedakah as the Jews call it. They are an ally that will forever have our back, and they charge us low-interest while we pay them. President Donald Trump did an important thing to enable these change of events, as the Islam-sympathizing Barack Hussein Obama regime would never allow Israel to pioneer freedom across the Middle East. Obama wanted Israel to be communist and equally distribute its liberty all across the Middle East, a batshit insane idea from the man who wanted all children in America to learn how to wear condoms and smoke crack at the same time, you know, “for experience”. But Donald Trump endorsed and helped make the Jerusalem embassy exist, as the Bible intended. Now Christians everywhere do not need to fear rapture when it comes soon, for they will be saved now. Unless they are a Catholic, then they will still have to apologize to God every week for being polytheists.

Israel, however, does and still has its fair share of problems, such as the fact they are completely surrounded by Godless Islamic Communist terrorist countries that do not believe in the morally positive values of liberty, freedom, and capitalism. But most importantly is that all of these countries are devoid of Jesus Christ, especially Israel. The biggest problem with Israel is that it’s a country filled with Jews, and Jewish people hate Jesus Christ because they are irrational God lovers. Jews are not to be trusted, would you trust someone who didn’t trust Jesus? Exactly.

So Israel has a complicated dilemma where they love America and liberty but hate the Godless Islamic Atheist Communist Heathens that surround them, and Jesus Christ. Israel has other problems as well, such as the Palestine issue and the Gaza thing. Palestine, and subsequently Gaza and its successful blonde sister, Mr. West Bank, are Israel’s closest neighbors that are neither Christian or Jewish. So naturally, they are an enemy of all freedom-loving peoples around the world. It’s hard to comprehend exactly what a “Palestine” is, but think of it as Mexico trying to kill Americans on a daily basis. They are the drug cartels of the Middle East, not well-loved by higher levels of the Godless Islamic Atheist Communist Terrorist spheres (Iran), and too good for the truly bottom tier terrorist countries (Anything that is not Iran, Saudi Arabia). If Palestine could just sell their pyramids to America, Israel or Belgium, they would appreciate capitalism for how it works rather than be lower class drug smugglers of the terrorist industry. But instead, Palestine will peddle for narcotics and other drugs and blame Israel for being pro-liberty and having a stronger military than theirs.

Israel is a mixed bag, with a strong share of positives over negatives. The Jews aren’t responsible for not loving Jesus Christ, but they are responsible for living in such an inhospitable land filled with countries ready to bomb America into submission should they ever try to steal American-Israeli intelligence. Israel is proof capitalism can work anywhere, even if you’re Christian or a non-believing Jew in the Middle East. Palestine should adopt more to capitalism and less communism if it wants to achieve legitimacy as a real big boy country. Palestine must cut down on doing drug deals like Venezuela or Peru, and start more aspirin companies or something to that effect.

But what Israel and Palestine both need to solve their ethnoreligious conflict is just one simple honest man: Jesus Christ. Jesus is the path to salvation and eternal glory, he’s God’s favorite child after all. We’re all made in his image, so why do both of these countries hit each other with weapons and instead look for common ground a bit more peacefully? Sure Israel likes to push and shove, but they’re well-intended. Palestine is an unorganized swarm of drug pushers and sleazy con artists that don’t aim to bomb Americans, just Israelis, Jews, and whoever in between. Israel should accept that Palestine is more of the reasonable aspects of terrorists, they only want to hurt the ones they don’t love, unlike most Godless Islamic Atheists. They have an ethos of some odd sort.

The senseless violence from both sides could just simply end if both of them just accepted Jesus Christ into their constitutions/livelihoods. The Palestinians can be sober, and the Jews can stop hitting things with Jesus involved in their peace process. He is there, fellow Jews and Palestinians, just accept him into your lives, and all this needless bloodshed can end and the parties can begin. And if not, you will be damned for an eternity. Christianity is knocking and sent invites to everyone, and Israel and Palestine better RSVP before the big man arrives.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Hindus, excluding Jews.