Are Leaf Blowers Turning American Men Into Homosexuals?

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

One of the finest American-machine inventions, the leaf blower, was crafted in the industrial age when the pursuit of life, living, and the other less-useful pursuit of happiness were distinguished American rights so long as you followed and dedicated your life towards Manifest Destiny. Such inventions like the Leaf Blower and the DVD Rewinder are sublime examples of America’s passion for innovation and desire to be many steps ahead of the world when it comes to technology. However, just because technology is serviceable to the majority of people on our planet does not necessarily mean that it is good. Rather, it can be a cautionary tale about mankind’s efforts to thwart technology has failed, and that technology is really the ones controlling us. Rather than indulge in some liberal science fiction piece, there is a serious problem on our hands with American blue-collar technology: it is turning our precious masculine American men into American-hating homosexuals.

The Leaf Blower, in particular, is an invention of the USSR and Mexico as a way to get rid of a swarm of leaves that plagued the Mexican-USSR embassy. An invention combined from two nefarious countries, the origin story of the Leaf Blower has been disputed by the CNN-led FBI and CIA. Undisclosed documents presented to us by an anonymous employee of the NSA have given us more extensive details about the real reasons why the Leaf Blower is still around despite massive improvements to American technology over the decade. Nowadays, if ones’ house has a major leaf problem, lasers may be used to burn the leaves into nothingness or leaves can be tossed away via the use of a shovel, but for some odd reason, the leaf blower is still around and always announces its presence.

The Mexicans and Communist Russians designed the device to be as noisy as possible in order to attract inventors to the device as a way to let them know that it works, but that same noise that leaf blowers create also emits a low-frequency oscillator signal that can only be heard if ones’ brain orients in a homosexual manner. These signals are effectively a form of radio that only homosexuals and the occasional lesbian can hear. Bullshit News could not find a strong confident gay conservative man to help us decode what these signals are, but it’s not just morse code, it’s something (possibly) far, far worse. It’s a form of terrorist communication that can be used by ISIS or Islamic Jihad to crush America and cause another 9/11 attack, effectively making leaf blowers an object of terrorism.

But leaf blowers do more than just cause terrorism and/or let it happen, the leaf blower appears on the outside like a common, heteronormative tool for yard work. The leaf blower is very attractive to the American homosexual market due to its sound capabilities. It’s noisy, vuvuzela-like mating call attracts many homosexuals and Catholics to the call of duty–to move leaves away from a desired area. Leaf Blowers are known to be common apparatuses in the night club/discotheque scene, very much so in Europe. Once a symbol of blue-collar labor has now become a “gay icon”, or a reputable image of the homosexual agenda. Because of its un-American roots and recent acclaim from the gay community, it is time to make leaf blowers illegal in America as they will threaten the next generation of proud and strong young American men, and will discourage them from joining the armed forces because they will find leaf blowers more engaging than rocket launchers. That is not an America for my son to grow up in to find a suitable mate and bring them to church.

My son is going to become a pastor much like my great-grandfather and his son like my father, and yet my son can’t stop going outside with his leaf blower trying to find the “Pokemon Go”. He doesn’t know that the Mexican-USSR created homosexual agenda-supporting device is trying to convert him under its homosexual spell, and I fear as a parent and not a minister of Jesus that he will not follow our families’ honored commitment toward God and helping our community. Instead, he uses the leaf blower to find his “Charizard” or “Shiny Pidgey”, and doesn’t even care about Exodus or Leviticus! I’m worried these leaf blowers will be used to suck up our children and spit them away from the Bible. My child should be cherished in a world where all he needs to do is to go on his knees and praise Jesus every day, he does not need to worry about Pokemon or leaf blowers!!

Because of these actions, my church has effectively banned the leaf blower as I now understand that it lures homosexuality towards our house of God, and something so abhorrent like homosexuality cannot possibly be part of communion with Jesus himself. I can see why Catholics would like and employ the use of the Leaf Blower, but not with my personal relationship with God and my church. Once the Gay Agenda tried to recruit my son with the Pokemon Go, that’s when I knew action had to be taken. Purge the leaf blowers and read the good book!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrianism, excluding Unitarianism. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Walls Work: A Bullshit News History Lesson

Written By Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

The Nancy Pelosi-inflicted government shutdown is still in effect as of the time this article is finished. Much of the debate regarding the yearly government funding bill is because the Democratic Party failing to realize that a wall will protect America from foreign-born Godless-Islamic crime and from the drug-addled brains from Mexico, Canada, and those tiny Central American countries you need a microscope for in order to read their countries’ names. Other countries, like Israel, Germany, and China, have used walls for centuries to keep out invaders and infidels alike in their reckless and dangerous pursuit to invade sovereign and prosperous countries.

One of the earliest walls ever constructed is still in good use today. China’s famous “Great Wall of China” was constructed to defend the Chinese from the evil carnivorous barbarians from Mongolia, possibly inspired from the Islam “religion”. The Great Wall of China was constructed before Christ was arisen, and finished when He was alive. Jesus Christ motivated the Chinese to build the Great Wall in order to preserve Christianity from Islam and Communism. Unfortunately, we all know what happened to China in the long-term, but for the majority of Chinese history, the wall was a success until it didn’t and then when it didn’t, it didn’t even matter.

Communism and walls are mortal enemies. Consider the time where Germany was two-faced and couldn’t decide between what was right (Capitalism) and what was wrong (Communism). It was a decision that tore Germany apart for forty years or two French revolutions. When Germany finally decided that capitalism was ultimately better, they tore down the Berlin Wall so that their countries people can eat at Taco Bell and support the American economy as every European nation should. The wall was removed because there was no longer a threat, which is why China still has their Great Wall, to protect themselves from ourselves. They were centuries ahead of their time. They even use their Great Wall for tourism and to boost their economy, giving President Trump some incentives and inspiration about his Wall.

And as many are aware, the nation of Israel has a wall to protect themselves from their Islamic and capitalist-hating neighbors, everyone. Israel, living up to its reputation as a state that rejects Christianity in favor of smaller hats, built a gate first, which evidently did not work out that well as they had to improve their gate to a more sophisticated and advanced form of barrier protection, a wall. Ever since Israel built their wall it has been a stellar success for a country that is constantly attacked for promoting heresy. Fortunate for Israel is that they adopted many American customs when it comes to self-defense, such as their love for the American 2nd Amendment. If invaders came over the wall with their strong knees, most Israelis are armed and ready to defend themselves from terror. But if Israel were an intelligent first world country, they would be Christian country so that Christ may rise again and defend us from the Muslim Gods that hate our freedom and their threats to invade our world.

So now we must focus on the present day, we are in the longest government shut down in American history. This is extraordinary news for our fellow American people because we have now made sure our government is fiscally responsible for once and not wasting money on pork-barrel spending or on Nancy Pelosi science initiatives. If the Democrats want to continue the American tradition of government waste and excess, they will pass a bill that permits funding for The Wall. President Trump will only support a government funding bill that allocates money for The Wall. This explains the deadlock we have today.

The Wall, of course, refers to the proper construction of a great barrier to protect ourselves from Mexico’s drug-addled liberal reckless college partying self. It’s not because of President Trump or average every-day Americans don’t trust Mexico or Mexicans, it’s because they don’t trust Mexico to do the right thing and get treatment. Mexico, according to President Trump, has a lot of crime and drugs and is doing really really bad. Mexico is the junkie of Democracy, but not a functioning addict. Mexico will hurt itself more than it will hurt us, but if the price of cutting strong diplomatic relations with a country that endorsed Barack Obama twice is worth the price of liberty than it is absolutely worth it. The Wall is absolutely necessary because, without it, America could become infested with crime and drugs given how drug addiction can spread via gateway drugs and access points. There is only one proper solution to gateways, and that is building The Wall.

If the Democratic Party ever developed a brain (or read Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged), they will know that self-defense and Republican Party ideology is morally and ethically superior on the behavior of war and self-preservation. As their government supporters struggle during their self-inflicted shutdown, the liberals and Nancy need to support The Wall. If not, they could rapture communism into the country. Every day is a win-win solution for the Republican Party as the Democrats live in their “socially constructed’ hell they created for themselves. But if this shut down were to last longterm, the Democratic Party will desire for Total Communism and perhaps spark a civil war. But as we all know, the Democratic Party will beat itself before it beats anyone, Republican Party or a trade deal.

Do the right thing Nancy, support the Wall. You know you want to, your people are counting on you. It is time for you to fail them, and vote for The Wall. It is the only way the American people can defend themselves from the opioid epidemic, and the foreseeable future.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.