President Trump Cures Coronavirus, Demands Everyone Go Back To Work Tomorrow

Written By Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

As you might be aware the coronavirus pandemic that was inflicted on us by professional socialist and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has forced a majority of Americans to stay at home and not go to work, forcing a heavy and unfair economic burden on the Trump Administration. The Sanders campaign made a strong effort to tank the economy to prove that capitalism could not win another Cold War, but their campaign has failed thanks to Trump’s creative use of the Laffer Curve to budget cut the coronavirus out of existence. The President held a press conference today, announcing the cure of the Coronavirus otherwise known as COVID-19, and the immediate plans going forward.

The coronavirus while incredibly infectious to the point of scaring people to socialize properly anymore has a fatal flaw: it can’t kill. That’s right, the coronavirus can’t kill. It can numb your sense of smell, make you have a bad cough and in the case of one of the Cuomos of New Yorkistan, hallucinate to the point you pretend you’re in The Godfather Part 3. Even marijuana is deadlier than the coronavirus, and even the scientists aren’t stupid about that. What is stupid is that people aren’t working anymore because they’re scared of something easier to treat than syphilis. Has Bernie Sanders successfully made America look pathetic because of China originated “COVID-19”?

Sure you may have noticed “reported deaths”, but this is a mere misconception. Deaths are reported to mainstream media publications like The Federalist and Quillette, both known for their vocally anti-Republican agendas with their founders being millions of dollars deep into the Clinton Foundation. All of these “reported deaths” show that America, a profoundly strong country with no weaknesses whatsoever, has a higher “reported death/fatality” number than socialist countries like China, Russia, and England. America is only behind Spain and Italy, who are merely irrelevant fascist nations that have complex “free” medical care programs that lead to more deaths. That is, if COVID-19 could kill after all. Which it can’t, if you recall.

What left-wing dominated media won’t tell you is that President Trump has been hard at work, day in and night out talking to all of the smartest scientists in the world (such as myself) to work on a vaccine quickly and efficiently to destroy any chance of Coronavirus stopping any more Americans from working their job and having a normal life with heterosexual family values. And on this historical day, the 4th of April, 2020, Donald Trump has announced in his normal press briefing that the cure to Coronavirus/COVID-19 has been created. Normally illnesses and other impedances to capitalism can be cured via flu shots and vaccinations, which didn’t exist for this particular strain of infectious bacteria or whatever. There’s usually test trials or whatever those left-wing biologists pretend to do in their spare time waiting for their chlorophyll.

Yet this particularly infectious strain of influenza and the common cold put together was defeated soundly in just one trial, where it cured President Trump’s personal case of the coronavirus as well as the Eternally Democratically Elected President of Brazil, Jair Bolsonaro. Since the first trial worked so well, there was no importance deemed upon repeating the trial so that the cure could reach out to as many corporations and small businesses as they can. There is nothing worse in our society than unemployment, and as soon as we can remedy that as soon as possible, the better society will march on towards Election Season.

President Trump still advises that all citizens must routinely wash their hands, so that we may continue to scrub socialism and all other forms of pandemic flu away from our nation. Trump also announces that America will dedicate the rest of its leftover resources fighting the coronavirus into curing Opioid addiction, which takes the lives of more Republicans on a day-to-day basis than the coronavirus. The President demands that everyone go back to work as soon as tomorrow, and as late as this Monday. We should all follow our President’s orders and celebrate!

 
Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Point/Counterpoint: Vaccinations

Written by Sid Phyllis and Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

In the latest of Bullshit News’s long-running award-winning debate series Point/Counterpoint, new Bullshit News correspondent Sid Phyllis and our in-house doctor/lawyer Steven T. Clements debate a newly hot topic that has flustered families across America: vaccines. While vaccines have claimed to cure polio, measles, cholera, etc, there also have been some startling discoveries that vaccines might, in contrast to the liberal science media, can cause some other diseases like cancer, autism, and bromidrosis. So where is the truth between all the other layers of truth? Sid and Dr. Clements debate.


 

POINT: Vaccines have been used extensively since Jonas Salk created the vaccine by Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s selfish idea to radically inflate the United States’ economy over the Great Depression in 1939 as a tax write-off.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have been proven to be lethal in many controlled experiments. In every experiment on vaccinations, 100% of the participants are likely to be deceased in eighty years time. That’s frightening.

POINT: With vaccinations, polio was eradicated along with smallpox, measles, and dysentery. Without vaccines, we could all be dying quicker, which isn’t Christian.

COUNTERPOINT: The common cold is one of the most deadly forms of bacteria around, and yet vaccines cannot “end” the common cold with their “flu shots”. What’s the use?

POINT: Without vaccines, we might have more people dead than all of the abortions put together in the last three years.

COUNTERPOINT: The total amount of abortions in the past three years can’t be qualified because the data for it is not there, an uncountable amount of abortions were committed. We cannot go into “what-ifs” in terms of vaccines, it’s all about the safety. We must be safe before using needles, we all learned this in high school.

POINT: Vaccines have saved many God-loving Jesus-endorsed Christian children, much more than any abortion could prevent.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have also saved an equal number of God-hating Islamic Barbarians that threaten our countries unity.

POINT: Vaccinations have become a national issue over the years because of fears that liberals have increased Mercury and Lead levels in vaccines in order to create mystical “spectrums” that give children a large range of learning disabilities that can only be solved from liberal entrapment otherwise known as “Crystal Healing”. The one place that cures “unruly vaccinations” is located in Marin County, California, a place known for being so liberal that ISIS and the Taliban congregate to plot how to instill terrorism every year in a conference called “TerrorCon”.

COUNTERPOINT: There is no scientific basis that “vaccinations” have ever been considered safe, yet there isn’t a known correlation between vaccinations and terrorism.

POINT: Vaccines cannot possibly be good for us because liberal fascism demands that every American child that goes to a public school must be vaccination. That is not true freedom, it imprisons the liberty of our children and prevents them from being the free Americans they ought to aspire to be from their History books.

COUNTERPOINT: Children can die without being vaccinated, but they can also just get really sick instead. It is better to be extremely sick without being vaccinated once than to get vaccinated and never get sick.

POINT: Autism never existed before the process of Vaccinations was created.

COUNTERPOINT: Neither has gonorrhea or nuclear power.

POINT: Let’s be honest, the America we know and love was perfected in an era where no one worried about Spanish Flu or The English Disease or cancer. There were no vaccinations either. And you know what? We all lived perfectly fine and healthy. It was only until liberals ushered in a public health crisis by inventing vaccinations to intoxicate our children into being communist childless subordinates.

COUNTERPOINT: Ever notice how a “vaccine” is a needle? Needles are primarily used as a means for a drug to enter your body and disrupt your body’s normally healthy process of living sustainment. HIV is just one of many diseases that can be created in the body as a result of needles. If vaccinations were truly 100% healthy and not Marin County Quack Doctorery, they would not be needles!

POINT: Liberals are actually more likely to undergo a “religious exemption” test to avoid vaccinations because they are aware of the dangers and evil inherent within those devices. They maliciously want young Republican Christian children to die in suffering and agony.

COUNTERPOINT: Liberals can’t possibly be too smart to make vaccines dangerous for the future of our children, they must only be in it for the money.


As you can tell, the process and implementation of vaccinations have been quite a hotbed of controversy not only in the political world but in the scientific one as well. We may never truly know the answers to what really happens in the vaccination process but as long as we are all better informed about all sides of this issue. As long as you make the correct decision for your child and raise them right, that’s what really matters. Parenting is about nurturing and supporting your child in the Christian tradition,  and making sure they are not under threat of Antifa or malicious liberals hellbent on making some money unethically.

Sid Phyllis is Bullshit News’s newest correspondent in political affairs and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donavon and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.