Written by Rachel Gilfords
In a bizarre White House Press Conference late last week, Mike Pence was asked about the vast left-wing conspiracy theory that is Russia’s alleged collusion efforts towards the Donald Trump presidential campaign. Mike Pence, visibly frustrated from the Democrat-aligned media, wanted to “Talk right down to Earth, in a language that everybody here can easily understand.” Mike Pence then began to mimic a chimpanzee in his body language by declaring “Russia good, NATO bad; Russia friend, not foe, Russia stimulate American economics, not dismantle country unity”. He did not respond to any further questions and kept talking in the same motion and rhetoric with heavily dilated pupils. When asked about his mental state and/or clarity the day after, Mike Pence said he might have had his wife’s sleeping pills before the conference to relax his heart, which he said has been aching him for quite some time.
We reached out to Mike Pence for further comments after the presser, but the White House declined to comment. We suspect that closet liberal staffers might have drugged Mike Pence into giving a pro-Russia press conference, which would explain the lack of Sarah Huckabee Sanders, but this is only a guess really.
Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered Afghanistan and Iraq in one year and has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Roger Ailes. She has a tiny brown Pom named Thin Mint.