Written by Editor-in-Chief, Don Kaftan
Good day, faithful loyal readers of The Bullshit. Doesn’t it smell like an international crisis is in the air? Never fear, let us unravel the Bullshit News for you. So sit down, light up your pipe (IT BETTER BE LEGAL WHAT YOU’RE SMOKING OR GOD FORBID) right by the fire and let trusty Don Kaftan tell you how to perceive the current state of affairs in our ever-twisting modern age of American liberty.
Tomorrow will be the infamous G20 summit, where countries that are a pedestal below America organize together to talk about economic or war things. Many (dems) are concerned that Donald Trump will talk to Putin about lifting economic sanctions on former enemy/rival, Russia. These sanctions were put in place because of the supposed-hacking and collusion the Russian government had with Donald Trump and his campaign. Recent current events have discussed Russia and its role to the United States, but we here at Bullshit News feel Russia is misguided by American freedom and could be better off if they were freer than Russian denizens currently are. But I’m not here to talk about oppressed poor Russian citizens, I’m here to talk about America, and more specifically, how America can be better off with Russian support.
Russia has been America’s rival ever since they were jealous America killed Hitler first. Stalin, a humanitarian by nature, was driven by competition to win World War II more for Russia and less for helping the spoiled ruins of Europe. Russia gave up once the Nazis were vanquished, so America had to pick up the slack and totally end the war with by bombing the shit out of Imperial Japan into total submission. It worked out great, but Russia was jealous by America’s might and decided that they should go to space to bomb us in an area where we would least expect an attack to hit us, from space. From there they noticed our bombs were Nuclear, and that there’s weren’t yet. So they fixed that problem and became a global threat to us all. Ever since they launched the Sputnik, the United States decided that they will be more powerful in space than the Soviets. Those Russian blowhards thought some stupid satellite the size of a potato would outmatch us putting HUMANS ON THE MOON. The Soviets soon realized they lost the space wars and decided to refocus on the ground agenda, being more powerful on Earth. This worked for a little while.
Puny Jimmy Washington Carter’s peanut farmer logic nearly endangered America’s status as a superpower in the Cold War from his sheer incompetence. Russia was making more money than us, and they were a communist society! Communists aren’t supposed to make money, they’re all supposed to make meager wages and give their lives for the state. Thankfully, American hero Ronald Reagan became president, and America had its charisma again. You see, Russia lacked charisma because they drink Vodka all the time. Russia would later invent Viagra to instill fertility to their impoverished and jaundiced denizens so that they could have babies again, a big problem for them in the late 70’s and early 80’s. President Reagan had an aura of cool, similar to Joe Montana in the clutch, and he was undefeatable in the Foreign Policy game. Germany was so divided because they could not decide whether godless communism or faithful capitalism was a better system for their government. Reagan came along and told Germany to tear down their communist and dystopian wall and ushered in democracy to Germany. This caused the USSR to collapse, and form to their new government which was really their government 100 years ago, Russia.
Russia has been in the news because of their autocrat, Vladimir Putin, and his seemingly powerful control of Russia. Putin has been reported to murder journalists who criticize him (un-American), heavy discrimination and even acts of malice towards those who are not pure Russian (which in a sense is American but also unacceptable and therefore, un-American), as well as reliving the grand Russian tradition of purges (un-American). He is not a nice man by any metrics, well, until he comes to our studio and agrees to do an interview so we can better know the guy. He doesn’t bring with him a nice reputation, but our stoic President, Donald Trump, sees something special in this Putin-feller. We are not sure what, but perhaps Putin is a Lenin/Stalin/Gorbachev apologist, and seeks to undo Russia’s old communist flaws and wants to better Russian society by making it more American.
We asked White House sources for our story to discuss any impact the Russian Government has had on the election, or anything involving Putin’s alleged flings with Donald, but we were not given an email reply back. It seems like if Putin and Trump are working together to make both of our countries great (by say, a trade deal or agreeing to bomb the hell out of Syria and/or North Korea), then the secrecy is a good thing and should be cherished. If Putin is actively trying to undermine American confidence and Donald Trump is acting as a useful idiot for Russia, then that should be discouraged and Trump should be given a stern talking to. Helping Russia has historically been un-American, but with recent social polarization in this country, perhaps undoing old wrongs into rights can be the one catalyst to making our country equal, and great, again. So let’s not worry about Russia for now, and let’s focus on our own country and unifying it so that old threats like Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, and the United Kingdom don’t threaten our nation and weaken it from the inside. We Americans must be tough on the inside, and equally as tough on the outside so no country may undermine ourselves. Only we, fellow Americans, decide our manifest destiny to mean we either stand together, or die divided.
Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA. He hates paying taxes as much as you do.