Captain Crunch Cultivates Controversy For Creating Positive Christian Message

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

Captain Crunch, a remarkable American icon from the good creators of PepsiCo and Quaker Oats, has generated a lot of liberal outrage over a supposed changing in slogans from the old clichéd, “Crunch-a-tize me, Captain!” to a modern and positive phrase, “Proselytize me, captain!”. Liberals, outraged and blinded by the very existence of living in a Christian country, have filed in their FCC complaints and believe the positive uplifting message of Captain Crunch’s gospel should not be spread to our downbeat defenseless children.

PepsiCo has denounced claims that their message was intended to spread awareness of our Good Lord, Jesus Christ. Pepsi merely claims that “proselytize” is an active ingredient to replace high-fructose corn syrup, a controversial thing to liberals because they’re worried about their kids adding an extra five pounds to the camera for their so-called “headshots” (not to be confused with the American past time of ending a terrorist’s life). Liberals think that “proselytize” is a word that means actively trying to convert someone to the plaintiff’s religion. This is demonstrably false. “Proselytize” is a laboratory-invented chemical compound that God-fearing Scientists believe can solve the obesity epidemic. And above all else, why would one of the leading cereal brands on planet earth want to convert millions of people to Christianity? They would be doing that anyway. Why would a cereal company deliberately change their popular slogan into something potentially divisive? If you said that Captain Crunch has GMO’s (and probably does anyways but who cares), that would really be the spicy hot sauce that makes the lactose intolerant lefties go crazy.

Perhaps we should discuss what this new chemical compound, “proselytize” is all about. The rational scientists behind this discovery have said that “proselytize” breaks down fat cells and lipids better than regular old sugar can do. But because “proselytize” is a new recent invention from the minds of the most esteemed scientists employed by Pepsi, liberals are also worried that monkeys, rats, or some kind of possum ilk were tested in labs to prove the scientist’s hypothesis that the “proselytize” chemical really works. And it did. But dumb-o-crats are still outraged because their politics revolves around begging people to do things rather than actually putting in any effort or work to what they desire to achieve. Rather than care for the ultimate goal at the end: eliminating obesity, they would rather bicker and stall progress in our society. And they wonder why things don’t get done at Capitol Hill.

Democrats don’t like Jesus, and that’s not news to anyone. They are worried about nothing while making America succumb to the pussification complex that troubles our nation’s young men. We should all applaud PepsiCo and Quaker Oats for working together to tackle obesity by the jugular rather than condemn their potentially questionable methods of doing so. The only way Americans will have fewer health problems is if they consume cereals or other foods with the new “proselytize” ingredient stored in its crunchy goodness.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters and is the resident in-house centenarian. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer still drives his Ford Model-T from his boyhood years.