Tag: Christianity

Santa Claus Killed By The Intolerant Left

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Rachel Gilfords

It brings me absolutely zero pleasure in reporting this, but Santa Claus also known as St. Nick or “The Gift-Giver” to all has been found dead in a ditch just outside Albuquerque, New Mexico late last night on Christmas Eve. While the cause of death by the coroner states that Santa suffered a “Cerebral Hemorrhage”, an unmistakably violent death, it was not ruled a homicide. While Santa Claus is a bipartisan figure, even a hero to all the good children in the United States and even Europe, this was an assassination doomed to happen. While details of the alleged assassination plot have not gone public, this was very clearly a planned and calculated murder. But by whom?

While many on the intolerant left joke about the War on Christmas not being a real phenomenon, it very much is real. The intolerable, intolerant Left have always despised Christmas and have strong desires to ruin Christmas by replacing “Merry Christmas” with “Merry Holidays”, as well as removing all known references to Christmas from the public eye and replacing them with the dreaded “Holiday”. Santa Claus’s demise should have been more apparent, as the Intolerant Left (Liberals, Antifa, and Islam) have calculated for decades about killing Santa Claus in order to “win” the War on Christmas for good. Long have we ignored their prophecies about their desires to end Christmas or spread some pagan nonsense fantasies about killing Santa Claus, and this was our failure to prevent this tragedy from occuring.

While Santa did not have time to deliver the vast majority of his presents along the Western United States, he managed to have enough time to help the rest of God’s beloved children in the real, more important parts of the United States and the rest of the world. “St. Nick” was considered one of the most beloved people on Planet Earth, even the Jews who don’t celebrate Christmas (just wait till the rapture, Jews) considered Santa Claus a good person, something they would never dare say about Christ Himself. St. Nick was a generous man with a seemingly limitless supply of presents to give to good children, and coal with a tax rebate to all the patently evil non-conforming children. He was as kind to everyone as Dolly Parton and Ronald Reagan have done to the poor. Someone as selfless and caring as Santa Claus could have only been killed by wicked thugs from the Intolerant Left that hate anyone that does not conform to their evil socialist policies. Even as Santa gives gifts for free in acts that are generally seen as benevolent and kind, the evil trade unionists disagree.

The fact that Santa Claus’s death was not given a through investigation by the Bernalillo County Coroner office is suspicious enough to be considered a collusion effort from the coroner to the as of yet unnamed leftist group of Santa Claus assassins is highly suspicious and rings in thoughts of conspiracy. New Mexico historically has voted against God (they voted for Hillary and Biden), and would be the ideal place of these assassins to kill Santa Claus because California would’ve been too obvious. Bullshit News will keep you informed about this news in more detail once this evil group is captured and hopefully locked behind bars, preferably in Guantanamo Bay for legal reasons. He may have a successor, he has a chance to rise again like another well-known person to save us from ourselves.

Thank you for all that you have done Santa, we will avenge your needless death with blood. Until then, we wish all of you and your families a joyful and delightful Merry Christmas, and to not let Santa Claus’s death effect you or your children. We must not the leftists claim another victory in this hollowed out, broken year. MARRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!



Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a correspondent on religions that are not Christianity-affiliated or Judaism. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Is Q and his ‘QAnon’ The Second Coming Of Jesus Christ?

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

For those of you searching the Internets for your latest “Grubhub”, you might have come across a group of passionately devoted followers of Jesus Christ who call themselves the “QAnon(s)”. The QAnon group of devoted evangelicals is, to put it simply, a large group of patriots extremely devoted to President Trump and his teachings, as well as good ol’ Jesus. They call themselves QAnon in order to hide their identities from oppressive liberals that would hunt them down and convert them to the Nancy Pelosi ideology of pure evil and callousness under The Deep State. The Q’s as they like to be called, are some of the most vigorous and toughest allies of the Trump Administration in their war against the evil atheist immorberal ideology, but there is always more than meets the eye when it comes to QAnon.

The leader of the QAnon militia to plowshares movement is a man only known by the alias, “Q”. Q has strong parallels to Jesus Christ. Both are presumed to be in their early 30’s, both invoke the wrath of God if nothing correct comes their way, and we know nothing else about them. From the outside, it would be easy to deem Q and his anon followers of Jesus to be a ‘hoax’ when this is far from the case. QAnon is very much a real and important lobby of Republican voters who will go to bat against the evil Democrat Deep State Party and their desire to end America as we know it. These followers rally with slogans such as “Where We Go One We Go All” (whatever the hell that means),  “The Storm” a hopeful event where the Deep State is overthrown in a tidal storm, and “The Great Awakening” which refers to President Trump’s inevitable reelection.

While the QAnon movement is full of people who will be our future politicians and civic leaders, Q only seems to talk in cryptic riddles to hide their identity, only posting to an imageboard-like website of what appears to be a Xanga. We’ve requested interviews with Q, to no response. It’s unfortunate we can’t hear the beautiful James Baldwin-esque prose of these young Republicans. It is therefore safe to assume that “Q” is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Never in my 106 (approaching 107 this month) years of living on God’s green Earth have I ever encountered such poetry that has touched my soul since Casey At The Bat. His words have galvanized a new base within the Republican Party full of brave men and women whose only politics consist of truthiness.

The main antagonist to Q and his “anons” are the very real threat that is The Deep State. The Deep State is a long-running hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department that engage in elaborate tactics the common American is unaware about. These tactics mostly include general Democratic Party racketeering and as QAnon followers allege, is the center of a massive pedophile ring across the United States. Since the Deep State works in secrecy it is hard to validate the veracity, unless you believe and worship Jesus Christ 2.0, Q. Q admits he is a member of “The Deep State” and that he must communicate his messages anonymously onto the Internet in order for people to be aware that the Deep State exists and is actively harmful to us all. Does this all remind you of a heavenly figure named Jesus Christ? The parallels don’t stop there.

Jesus Christ was also involved in a hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department within the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ claimed WAS the Second Coming of the Messiah to the Jewish People.  Jesus Christ was operating under the Catholic Empire, the Deep State of its era. Jesus had to spread his messages in hiding or be subject to Judeo-Roman tyranny. Not to mention the pedophile ring that occurred in the Roman Empire. Yes, these stories are too odd to be so coincidental So similar in fact the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy cannot even apply. Q, much more likely than it can be unlikely, is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ that we were told about in The Bible. If this were not the case, Q would not be able to spread his Xanga iambic pentameter prose on the Internet. And without Jesus, Q could not possibly exist. They are symbiotic, which means there is danger at our door.

We must devote all our resources into finding and dissolving this Deep State, for Q’s sake. President Trump was elected to solve tough problems, and the Deep State is a significantly deep problem that must be stopped to save our State. No longer should we tolerate shadowy government figures that hide in bureaucracy in heavily windowed buildings, for they are the operatives of the Democratic Party and possible Catholics. These Deep State figures not only tried to revive Jeffery Epstein but were definitely collaborators of OBAMAGATE. President Trump cannot do this alone, we must expose the Deep State by worshiping Jesus Christ every Sunday!! WE DO THIS FOR GOD!!!!

 
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Joe Biden Is The Anti-Christ

~ DonKaftan ~ 13 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

It is no secret that our wondrous, first place country THE United States of America, has been going through some “turbulence” so to speak. Some folks are out here proclaiming America is going through a bout of fictional highly infectious diseases and also has to deal with a largely astroturfed opposition against our faithful President Trump and his desire to Make America Great Again. The Democrats behind their crazy frantic leader Nancy Pelosi have made Joe Biden their nominee for the elections in November. But who is this Joe Biden, and how come this average dumbfounded American was chosen to run against Donald Trump? I have a very simple answer for you all my friends.

Joe Biden was formerly a Senator for the state of Delaware: an area of the US that only exists for almanac aficionados. To enter Delaware, you need to put your hand on this book called the “Necronomicon”, a wretched literature detailing dark alchemy and an introduction to satanic rituals. Delaware is also known for being a pro-tax state, having many companies call Delaware their home for tax-specific purposes in order to prove that Delaware really exists. Joe Biden founded the state of Delaware as a means to avoid paying taxes, only to end up being involved in a major scheme helped out by Enron, America’s (formerly) only liberal gas and oil company. Rather than facing a stern punishment of life in prison or even capital punishment over attempting to create a tax haven in the United States, Joe Biden went an unconventional route, he ran for office and won his “election” that no one seriously thought to look deeply into. As a result, Joe Biden was a Senator for 36 years instead of accepting his capital punishment and/or facing life in prison.

But that is far from the most deeply shameful thing about satanic Senator Joe Biden. His “accomplishments” have made him the Vice President of the dismal 8 year Barack Obama regime of destruction and apologies. Biden was complicit in crashing the economy once in 2008 and is rumored to have a role with the Bernie Sanders campaign over creating the Coronavirus, which of course doesn’t actually exist but yet somehow does in spite of facts, physics or prayer. In these 8 years of trying to destroy America from the inside out, Biden found a new form of spiritual reawakening, only instead of being correct as a newborn Christian, he went to hell to deal with Satan instead like a career politician.

In hell, Biden met Satan while Biden was undergoing satanic brain surgery to fix what was broken inside of him (his spirit and according to rumors, his “mojo”). Satan told Biden that he would easily be the next President of America because of his charisma and “go-getter” attitude could stop the unstoppable Trump. Then they held a ritual which caused a volcano in Iceland to erupt and prevent me from going to my flight to Ireland for almost two weeks. That volcano was a sign of things worse to come.

So now that we’ve established that Joe Biden is a product of Satan, we need to explain his rise to becoming an Anti-Christ Superstar. He worked to destroy some of the finer aspects of our American Economy such as bailing off our automobile companies, advocated for institutional evolution courses to convince children that God isn’t real, planted condoms in kindergarten classes to encourage nearly infantile Democratic Party members to breed “early and often”, and has fake teeth (another sign from the Bible about the Anti-Christ). Biden has done nothing in his life to prove he has trustworthiness, but won his votes in “Delaware” for 30 years by running unopposed, with each person that ran against Biden disappeared under mysterious circumstances, perhaps relating to Biden’s role with the Clinton Foundation. He has never proven once in his 36+ years of politics that he is an intellectually capable and moral enough to be purely human. He had help from Satan to become a one-winged angel. 

Joe Biden isn’t some harmless old man that wants to become the next President of America, he is a dangerous fanatical ideologue who reads the Kabbalah and the Necronomicon to poor children in order to convert them to the Democratic Party, corroding their hearts and poisoning their minds. Biden is a man deeply routed in the hated of our country, a charismatic man whose smile smites an entire cul-de-sac. He is the Democratic Party’s best shot at defeating Trump, and he wants to overthrow your Democracy. Do not let him destroy America in November, pray for him instead.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Beware Of Frog People

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

My fellow Humans, we are under duress by multiple evil-doers on a daily basis, whether it is the Islamic-Sikh Asaadists or Nancy Pelosi and the evil House Democrat Party Plot. But there are more existential threats to ourselves, the Christian Human race who have roamed the Earth for the last 6,000 years. There is a common conspiracy regarding the existence of “Lizard People”, which is factually unverifiable because God does not like lizards nor brings them up in the bible. It’s why they taste bad. But human beings and only one other animal share a common ancestry: the Frog.

Now you may be wondering about that Evolution myth about some monkeys, fish, plants, birds, rocks, and things but they are never referenced in the New Testament with a connection to the Human Being (except for “things”, you know what they are). However, the Bible does bring up multiple conversations between Jesus Christ and the Frogs. In Revelation 16:13, Jesus fought the Three Dragon-Frog Sinners Of Judaism. In that fight, the Dragon-Frog Jew Sinners with their large and mighty tounges inflicted Jesus’s seed permanently with their Frog DNA, causing some sons and daughters of Jesus (in faith) to possibly turn into these Frog People.

Revelation 16:13 is not Jesus’s only encounter with Frogs or Frog People, but it is his most important encounter. Frogs are routinely referenced as being a plague or scourge and acting as one of Jesus’s many antagonists. You can find that relevant material on this link. Frogs are not very edible, and since they have no other function for us big-brained humans, they are a threat to our existence. They could learn how to use a shotgun or .22 pistol quickly if The Lord is still furious at us for letting his Son die and all that. We must not risk ourselves and the plight of our species against these Frog People.

Now that we know why the Frog People are our enemy, we need to understand why the Frog People must be stopped and permanently exiled or exterminated from our society. You may recognize a “Frog Person” if their skin can become suspiciously green at any time. Sometimes the Frog People can change their skin and back to their Human skin again by a blink’s notice. The following is a description of Frog People and Frog People-like behavior: short in stature, bulgy frog-like eyes, bendable/weak arms and/or legs, large tounges, short appetite, enthusiasts of the musical group “Phish”, ability to jump over large heights, little to no hair, has a strong hobby or interest in swimming or water sports, strong lungs and “shakey” tendencies. Here is a drawing/representation of a frog person:

Frog Person

As you may notice, this frog person is on the lookout to attack or perhaps feast on a Human prey. Their large tounges could catch Jesus and invade his DNA, and Frog People can do it to you as well! They may appear innocent and humanlike, but be warned as the Frog People have sinister intentions and more than likely prefer the Old Testament over the more true and much more faithful New Testament which actually brings up Jesus Christ. Be aware, they are Frog-People, not Frogs. This drawing is a Frog Person in their Frog form, which they can turn into it for roughly 30 milliseconds to as long as three minutes depending on what their False Prophet orders from them if they deem a Human nearby as a threat or as candy.

The False Prophet is the leader of the Frog People, with the leader being chosen in a manner similar to Catholicism and the “Pope”. The False Prophet does not live on Earth–he cannot. He communicates via satellite with remote controls and VHS tape (the only kind of visual media that can work in space, don’t ask NASA, read the Bible) to control his army of frog people that inhabit in at least 3% of the Human Race on our Earth planet. There are rumored to be as many as 13 “False Prophets” operating at any time, but further investigation is needed.

I’m afraid I’m going to have to address to so-called “Frog-Elephant in the room”. There is a common misconception in the mainstream media about the Frog People menace. Liberal occasional MSNBC correspondent Alex Jones has referred to an unknown substance called a “chemical” that turns frogs into homosexual deviants that lust for blood or for some other nefarious and unordinary purpose. This is merely Obama propaganda and can be rationally ignored as nonsense. The Frog People are very much straight and have strong desires to procreate multiple Frog People into existence for they want to take over our planet and replace the human race. Their intentions, while on the outside seem innocent, are genocidal on the inside.

That is all the information I have as of this very moment I can share about the Frog People. There is no true call to action, this is merely a public service announcement. If you see a fellow human “brother or sister” friend of yours, and you notice they have turned into a Frog Person for a rare period of more than 30 seconds, then you must do your sworn Christian Human duty and engage in self-defense on behalf of the Human race. Don’t take it very personally, it’s for our children and their children’s children to live in a pure world free from all threats against humanity. Sacrifices need to be made, feel fortunate that you can do your part against these evil crusaders and help humanity win the battle for God’s love.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Muslims, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Is President Donald Trump Not Only One Of The Greatest Presidents Of All Time, But Could He Be God?

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

President Donald Trump accepted praise from a significant holy pastor whose rank is higher than my own, Wayne Allyn Root. To keep his description neatly brief, he is able to communicate to God with a much higher profile. Now longtime faithful readers of the Bullshit News know that I, too, can speak to God unlike some other mear “pastor” or “priest” or “Imam”. Don’t get me started on those “rabbis” and their ribbiting.

Holy Pastor Root proclaims that God declared President Trump from his latest revelation that was communicated via the medium of Twitter: “Jewish people in Israel love him…. like he’s the King Of Israel. They love him like he’s the Second Coming Of GOD“. And if Wayne Allyn Root is my superior in my field, to say in Republican terms, then he must be correct. And as Donald Trump continues to Make America Great Again, it appears to be that he has made America, and consequently Israel, into the most divine and blessed areas on Earth. Thus, with the almighty power that President Donald Trump has, is he God? I will do the science and thinking for you to read and ponder.

For you see, President Trump has made his initial iconic promise which is to “Make America Great Again”. Yes, it may be a broad goal or ambition to achieve something which may not bluntly appear on a political platform, but Jesus Christ (of Nazareth) also ran on similar principles when he wanted to be a priest. And, like Jesus, Donald Trump has never lost an election or business venture. When Jesus was allegedly defying God, he was persecuted and sentenced to death. When Donald Trump was allegedly defying God, in the eyes of mass media and The Daily Caller, he was persecuted more-so then Christ (as Jesus of Nazareth did not live in an era where “social media” existed more than cave paintings) and half of the country, unpatriotic and not wavering to Democracy as much as they ought to, want him dead. Aside from the era of technology we live in, this analysis is spot-on and explains how America is working today.

The Democrats have often engaged in anti-Christ behavior and ideology, which is no surprise to many of you faithful readers of Bullshit News. But sometimes we need to say the obvious out loud (…or rather type it out loud) because of the centrists and moderates that are as uncertain in ideology as they are people are unaware of the Democratic Party’s tricks when it comes to taking over America via radical ideologies like socialism. God, like Donald Trump, was also persecuted by the very own people he claimed were “chosen” to receive “his book”. What God also shares in personality is his breviloquence in ideology. God and President Trump don’t need to orate essays onto the masses that are too busy watching the TV on their smartphones, they know the brevity of their words is what gives them their power. The New Testament and The Art Of The Deal are about the same length words-wise and both can be finished in the same amount of time, the only difference between the two books is the slightly more modern language found in TAOTD.

But Holy Pastor Root’s revelations have been a source of controversy from, you guessed it, the Democratic Party. DNC activists like Joe Biden and John Delaney have called one of the greatest pastors in American history “blasphemous” and “an act against God” as if these democrats have ever once stepped into church and talked to God, let alone ever studied a day of theology in their lives! How could these incompetent and potentially impotent men ever claim they know the words of the Lord if they act rebelliously against Christ? They know nothing, like all Democrats, but they have the audacity to claim they are at a higher level with God then pastors like Wayne Root and me.

Blasphemy aside, Pastor Root also gave word that President Trump, according to God and his best friend Jesus Christ, will be the one to save us from the apocalypse and Hell from appearing on Earth (aside from Albania). Heretics from the DNC will be burned on the cross soon enough, for when the moment the apocalypse will finally start, no one will be spared unless they are Christian (as the Bible dictates). Upon my own experiences on reading the Bible for the 187,325th time in my lifetime, I can assure you that anyone God-fearing, Christian, and Republican will be saved for the most part, but any Democrat that claims they are with Christ yet supports socialism and/or various other evil ideologies, they will not be spared. This includes Jews.

And once Trump was nominated to be the leading nominee for the Republican Party back in 2016, I was all but certain that if the apocalypse were about to happen (which it nearly did under the Barack Obama regime), the GOP would find a way to save us with a real Christian to help prevent the worst from happening. And among all the GOP nominees in 2016, President Trump was the one that was THE MOST Christian of ALL of them, the most pious, and righteously the one with the most patriotic fervor to care and uphold American values that are explicitly stated in the constitution. And as President Trump saves us from the apocalypse on November 8th, 2016, a feat bigger than anything Jesus ever truly did, is when I initially began to ponder, is Donald Trump actually greater than God himself (for what he has done to our country)?

President Trump on the outside may not appear to be a humble man, but his belief and devotion to Christ and God are strong on the inside. President Trump, like God, does not play games (unless it’s golf every now and then), but they rule similarly. While Democrats engage in blasphemy and oppose any sort of bipartisan legislation meant to better the country, And while the Democratic Party cannot wait to usher in the apocalypse and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump will be here to stand guard and defend Christianity from not only the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Jewish Inquistadors, but to defend America as commanded from the Lord himself. So when it comes to the “Greatest Presidents Of All Time”, there’s only one president who was literally commanded by God to run this country, and his name is Donald Trump.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Scientologists, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.