The So-Called ‘Evolution Theory’ Is A Liberal Conspiracy Theory Designed To Dismantle Small-Town America

Written By Pavel Shostakovich

Greetings my fellow Americans of good Republican nature that are fruitfully fertile. I remember when my ancestors fled the USSR under the reign of Stalin in the 1950s to enjoy the much-sought-after “American Dream”. They went to the one-state they felt was most comfortable to them weather-wise, Wisconsin. They were aware of the lies that are California, they knew it was all too similar to the evils of the USSR with their Moonbeam governor and their pernicious universities in Berkeley and San Francisco. They knew what made America great were the small towns, the heartland, or as the evil far-left pundits at Breitbart call it, “Heartland America”. Small-town America is not the “Heartland America”, it is America. To suggest otherwise is unfactual.

On that small farm in Wisconsin where I was conceived, I learned real American values and discovered supermarkets twenty years before Gorbachev did and worked the blue-collar jobs like lobbying and alcohol industry. My father worked in multiple steel mills and my mother in a couple coal mines starting when she was 12. They worked in rough, laborious jobs which would make them miserable and get stale bread in the USSR, but in America, they lived in comfort and ate bread with garlic.

My point is, small-town America gave my family hope and inspiration, whereas cities like New York, Seattle and Chicago would spit on them and force my family to live in an uncomfortable apartment next to some overly talkative and intrusive man named “Newman” or “Kramer”. The perceptions people have on small-town Americans are vapid and meaningless, especially the portrayals of West Virginia in Mainstream Media culture. They call Iowa, “field of dreams” and “flyover county” because it appears boring on the outside. Well, have you looked at planet Earth from Google Maps? It looks boring on the outside too, but we are all a “small-town America” in the galaxy, nay, the universe we live in. We should not be making fun of others no matter the size of their local nation, state, or country. Although Crimea had it coming.

The “Evolutionary Theory” is the theory taught in many Big-City American Towns that we come from the monkeys and not through a divine command and/or will from Our Lord. The small-towns in America know better and are good-natured in understanding the world was put together from God and his son Jesus. They willed the world with morality, which is where humanity ergo man, scientifically known as the “Homo Sapien” truly began. All those before His Command were neanderthals, and nothing more. Once morality was implemented, society began via The Roman Empire (later Byzantium) and Greece. The big city schools refuse to learn the real way mankind was conceived and instead force their children to learn the jargon of Charles Darwin and other Nancy Pelosi-inspired nonsense.

But alas, my expertise involves America’s relationship with Europe and not just small-town America, despite it being my background. But I am tired of Mainstream Media publications trying to disregard the America that I come from. It’s disgraceful and ethical of these so-called CNN-inspired journalists to say defaming statements that small-town America is “irrelevant” or “invalidates the Electoral College”. America began as a small-town, and as they say here that we should never “forget our roots”. It appears to me that these journalists forgot that we are a country of immigrants, not ignorant immigrants. I remember my parents fought tooth and nail to escape Stalin’s purges or when my father got his neck screwed off in a steel mill malfunction incident that the Carter Administration-influenced regulations impacted him. Big city Americans influenced those decisions and I can never forgive them, which is why I always vote Republican.

The “Evolution Theory” was invented to divide America toward the state where it is today, where liberals are free to claim the President cannot do what he is rightly able to under Executive Privilege. One part of America will listen to the President proudly while the other part refuses to comply and be patriotic to our wonderful Dream-inspired country. It is a shame the big city Americans don’t understand how much freedom they live in, but as a small-town American, I do.

Pavel Shostakovich is the Bullshit News correspondent reporting on Russian, European, and Euro-American Affairs. He is a naturalized American citizen whose parents escaped Communist tyranny in Russia, AND NOT BELARUS. Pavel studied political science at the University of Pennslyvania and is a member of the Federalist Society. He is a part-time European Policy Czar for the Donald Trump Administration.

Point/Counterpoint: Vaccinations

Written by Sid Phyllis and Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

In the latest of Bullshit News’s long-running award-winning debate series Point/Counterpoint, new Bullshit News correspondent Sid Phyllis and our in-house doctor/lawyer Steven T. Clements debate a newly hot topic that has flustered families across America: vaccines. While vaccines have claimed to cure polio, measles, cholera, etc, there also have been some startling discoveries that vaccines might, in contrast to the liberal science media, can cause some other diseases like cancer, autism, and bromidrosis. So where is the truth between all the other layers of truth? Sid and Dr. Clements debate.


 

POINT: Vaccines have been used extensively since Jonas Salk created the vaccine by Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s selfish idea to radically inflate the United States’ economy over the Great Depression in 1939 as a tax write-off.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have been proven to be lethal in many controlled experiments. In every experiment on vaccinations, 100% of the participants are likely to be deceased in eighty years time. That’s frightening.

POINT: With vaccinations, polio was eradicated along with smallpox, measles, and dysentery. Without vaccines, we could all be dying quicker, which isn’t Christian.

COUNTERPOINT: The common cold is one of the most deadly forms of bacteria around, and yet vaccines cannot “end” the common cold with their “flu shots”. What’s the use?

POINT: Without vaccines, we might have more people dead than all of the abortions put together in the last three years.

COUNTERPOINT: The total amount of abortions in the past three years can’t be qualified because the data for it is not there, an uncountable amount of abortions were committed. We cannot go into “what-ifs” in terms of vaccines, it’s all about the safety. We must be safe before using needles, we all learned this in high school.

POINT: Vaccines have saved many God-loving Jesus-endorsed Christian children, much more than any abortion could prevent.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have also saved an equal number of God-hating Islamic Barbarians that threaten our countries unity.

POINT: Vaccinations have become a national issue over the years because of fears that liberals have increased Mercury and Lead levels in vaccines in order to create mystical “spectrums” that give children a large range of learning disabilities that can only be solved from liberal entrapment otherwise known as “Crystal Healing”. The one place that cures “unruly vaccinations” is located in Marin County, California, a place known for being so liberal that ISIS and the Taliban congregate to plot how to instill terrorism every year in a conference called “TerrorCon”.

COUNTERPOINT: There is no scientific basis that “vaccinations” have ever been considered safe, yet there isn’t a known correlation between vaccinations and terrorism.

POINT: Vaccines cannot possibly be good for us because liberal fascism demands that every American child that goes to a public school must be vaccination. That is not true freedom, it imprisons the liberty of our children and prevents them from being the free Americans they ought to aspire to be from their History books.

COUNTERPOINT: Children can die without being vaccinated, but they can also just get really sick instead. It is better to be extremely sick without being vaccinated once than to get vaccinated and never get sick.

POINT: Autism never existed before the process of Vaccinations was created.

COUNTERPOINT: Neither has gonorrhea or nuclear power.

POINT: Let’s be honest, the America we know and love was perfected in an era where no one worried about Spanish Flu or The English Disease or cancer. There were no vaccinations either. And you know what? We all lived perfectly fine and healthy. It was only until liberals ushered in a public health crisis by inventing vaccinations to intoxicate our children into being communist childless subordinates.

COUNTERPOINT: Ever notice how a “vaccine” is a needle? Needles are primarily used as a means for a drug to enter your body and disrupt your body’s normally healthy process of living sustainment. HIV is just one of many diseases that can be created in the body as a result of needles. If vaccinations were truly 100% healthy and not Marin County Quack Doctorery, they would not be needles!

POINT: Liberals are actually more likely to undergo a “religious exemption” test to avoid vaccinations because they are aware of the dangers and evil inherent within those devices. They maliciously want young Republican Christian children to die in suffering and agony.

COUNTERPOINT: Liberals can’t possibly be too smart to make vaccines dangerous for the future of our children, they must only be in it for the money.


As you can tell, the process and implementation of vaccinations have been quite a hotbed of controversy not only in the political world but in the scientific one as well. We may never truly know the answers to what really happens in the vaccination process but as long as we are all better informed about all sides of this issue. As long as you make the correct decision for your child and raise them right, that’s what really matters. Parenting is about nurturing and supporting your child in the Christian tradition,  and making sure they are not under threat of Antifa or malicious liberals hellbent on making some money unethically.

Sid Phyllis is Bullshit News’s newest correspondent in political affairs and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donavon and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

The Environment Is Just Fine; Stop Worrying About It

Written by Roger Goodmen

It’s no secret that “Al Gore” wants to promote the Big Science industry in promoting his Global Warming myth. Big Science has been more active than ever promoting the myths of Global Warming by extensively observing the environment and discovering the shocking fact that it changes over time. Scientists desperate for cash will do anything to make America pay attention to their baseless conspiracy theories. The environment is fine, and we’re not doing enough to take better use of it.

Consider “fracking”, or hydraulic fracturing for short. Fracking is a natural process of the environment by which the ground ejects oil for human consumption in a process called “photosynthesis”. Big Science will say that fracking is horrible for the environment, which is already being decimated by the “Global Warmings” and the “Climate Changes”, while also saying that our money is best used to conserve the environment rather than letting the invisible hand of capitalism regulate the planet as God intended. These scientists claim they want to make the planet “safer for our children”, but pay no attention to their creed, they merely want more money from their lobbyists and from the greatest hoaxer of all time, “Al Gore”. It is a liberal agenda to dismantle our country’s long and prideful history of oil reserves, and getting rid of oil and energy industry permanently is their goal.

But there are no studies that conclude that “fracking” is harmful. And in more ways than one, fracking helps stimulate the job sector and allows America to be less dependent on Godless Islamic Heathens and their only source of income. Fracking helps the terrorists lose, and that is a better case for “fracking” to remain legal then listening to Big Science and their political agenda to take over the United States with their anti-Trump agenda. Why else would elitist scientists hate America gaining more money, and for the American people to have jobs? Scientists live in their own bubble and mess with chemicals for a living in an enclosed lab, away from the rest of humanity. They should not have a say in what goes on in our lives. They should stick to writing long papers about subjects only other scientists care about, which clearly is not economics, or putting the American people in their hearts.

Many of you are also aware of the Coal industry, and Donald Trump’s best efforts to restore a long-lost traditional American job sector that the Obama Regime tried to kill permanently. Coal is a cheap and powerful form of energy that ensures that our trains run on time and remain in operation. Barack Obama falsely concluded that coal was harmful “for our environment” (there goes that rhetorical device of his again) and that we had “better, greener solutions” for our energy. This is just one method of Big Science implementing their liberal agenda haplessly on the American public, trying to make millions of Americans lose their jobs so they can go play with Play-Dohs and the un-American brick toy Lego “to better help the environment”. What are these “green jobs” scientists claim exist, and if they are so effective and money-making for our economy, why haven’t they completely phased out coal for them? The answer is simple: coal is much more effective than a bunch of wind turbines moving the air that generates little for our budget.

Big Science will use big words and insufferably long explanations to try to convert you to being a liberal. They will coerce you into thinking that their method is more reliable “for our lives” than the invisible hand of capitalism. Scientist thinking is allowing children to engage in intercourse with other children in order to “better preserve our environment” (for liberal voters). This is what they call their “hypothesis”. If scientists really know what’s best for the world, they would be economists helping solve our looming national debt crisis. Thankfully, President Trump is aware of all this scientist bunk and is a president that actually cares about our economy and those formerly lost coal jobs Trump has brought back. Unlike scientists, Donald Trump has actually operated and owned many businesses of varying economic sectors and is more aware of the economy than any Al Gore-truther ever could.

When it comes to settling down and having a lifelong job, who would you rather trust, a group of white-coated glasses-wearing nerdy elitist Scientists? Or the President of the United States who knows what’s best for the American people who voted him into office? With economics factored in, there’s no need to worry about the environment, it’s doing fine. Hell, the environment is phenomenal and really doesn’t deserve any more attention then it needlessly gets from The Weather Channel. Liberals should not follow the creed of Colin Kaepernick and should find a job instead. I hear the coal industry is hiring!

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

Captain Crunch Cultivates Controversy For Creating Positive Christian Message

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

Captain Crunch, a remarkable American icon from the good creators of PepsiCo and Quaker Oats, has generated a lot of liberal outrage over a supposed changing in slogans from the old clichéd, “Crunch-a-tize me, Captain!” to a modern and positive phrase, “Proselytize me, captain!”. Liberals, outraged and blinded by the very existence of living in a Christian country, have filed in their FCC complaints and believe the positive uplifting message of Captain Crunch’s gospel should not be spread to our downbeat defenseless children.

PepsiCo has denounced claims that their message was intended to spread awareness of our Good Lord, Jesus Christ. Pepsi merely claims that “proselytize” is an active ingredient to replace high-fructose corn syrup, a controversial thing to liberals because they’re worried about their kids adding an extra five pounds to the camera for their so-called “headshots” (not to be confused with the American past time of ending a terrorist’s life). Liberals think that “proselytize” is a word that means actively trying to convert someone to the plaintiff’s religion. This is demonstrably false. “Proselytize” is a laboratory-invented chemical compound that God-fearing Scientists believe can solve the obesity epidemic. And above all else, why would one of the leading cereal brands on planet earth want to convert millions of people to Christianity? They would be doing that anyway. Why would a cereal company deliberately change their popular slogan into something potentially divisive? If you said that Captain Crunch has GMO’s (and probably does anyways but who cares), that would really be the spicy hot sauce that makes the lactose intolerant lefties go crazy.

Perhaps we should discuss what this new chemical compound, “proselytize” is all about. The rational scientists behind this discovery have said that “proselytize” breaks down fat cells and lipids better than regular old sugar can do. But because “proselytize” is a new recent invention from the minds of the most esteemed scientists employed by Pepsi, liberals are also worried that monkeys, rats, or some kind of possum ilk were tested in labs to prove the scientist’s hypothesis that the “proselytize” chemical really works. And it did. But dumb-o-crats are still outraged because their politics revolves around begging people to do things rather than actually putting in any effort or work to what they desire to achieve. Rather than care for the ultimate goal at the end: eliminating obesity, they would rather bicker and stall progress in our society. And they wonder why things don’t get done at Capitol Hill.

Democrats don’t like Jesus, and that’s not news to anyone. They are worried about nothing while making America succumb to the pussification complex that troubles our nation’s young men. We should all applaud PepsiCo and Quaker Oats for working together to tackle obesity by the jugular rather than condemn their potentially questionable methods of doing so. The only way Americans will have fewer health problems is if they consume cereals or other foods with the new “proselytize” ingredient stored in its crunchy goodness.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters and is the resident in-house centenarian. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer still drives his Ford Model-T from his boyhood years.