Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Chicago Is Sodom

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The White House had an off-camera briefing the other day, and a reporter questioned Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders about Donald Trump’s use of government funds to create a Chicago crime-fighting movement, the Chicago Gun Strike Force:

“I think that the problem there is pretty clear that it’s a crime problem. I think that crime is probably driven more by morality than anything else.”

She is 100% right. Trump has had America’s latest Detroit, Chicago, on his mind throughout his campaign and his presidency due to Chicago’s strict gun control laws and lack of God. Because it is so hard to buy a gun, it becomes too easy to commit a crime and get away with it from buying a gun on the black market.  You can’t call 9/11 if you’re on your knees, and not for Jesus.

As Bullshit News’s Official Pastor, I must tell you how Chicago is Sodom as it violates the seven cardinal sins.

Lust: Chicago allows birth control and abortions. C’mon now. Any state that votes for Democrats tends to have intercourse more on the mind than good ol’ God. I’m certain they have one of those sickening “Pride Parades” I unconsciously refuse to admit I am aware of.

Gluttony: The people are as wide as their deep dish pizzas. Look, there are 2.7 million people living in Chicago and I’m willing to put one million dollars on the line that there is at least one fat person sitting on Chicago. Go, try to prove me wrong there, atheists!

Pride: Chicago has had Michael Jordan, and the Cubs have finally won a World Series. The night they won that World Series, they indulged in their pride so much that they rioted. The denizens of Chicago should be happy Donald Trump has a heart for them and wishes to stop their crime and revamp it up. That’s much better than giving money to the Car industry like former President Barack HUSSEIN Obama did. Obama also has roots in Chicago, leading to those democraps in Chicago to have pride in that closet Islamic atheist.

The Bears will never win another championship, and the Bulls suck too.

Sloth: I never see no race-cars from Chicago ever win in Nascar. You can cite the Cub’s former World Series drought as evidence here. There is sloth in the lack of empathy, the high rate of murder, or find sloth in the interest to do anything in Chicago but join a gang and shoot people to live up to your dreams from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The city is absorbed in total nihilism and it sickens me. Their chili is good, but then again, gluttony!

Greed: Greed goes beyond money, which Chicago contributes its fair share to the economy with whatever industries it has. Greed is about being more into material possessions than your friends and family. As Chicago has a gun control problem, where the people of Chicago have difficulties owning a gun to be with their loved ones, and not by the bedside as they get shot from a “drive-by”. When children as young as five are brought into gangs and “become one with the gun”, they are committing greed. And murdering people is obviously bad, but Chicago doesn’t know that. Sad!

Envy: Well to be fair no one envies Chicago, not even Cleveland. Okay, I’m sorry I’ll take that one back, that was a bit too far. I sinned, please forgive me. Chicago has an envy for crime and has an insatiable desire for committing murders daily while they watch their local sports franchise make terrible decisions, leading to their fans envying sports teams outside of Chicago.
Wrath: Chicago is a wicked, windy, and crooked city. There’s a lot of crime committed there from Syrian refugees and the Chief Keef colored people. You hear about it every day, and it’s so sad. It’s a city so godless and corrupt, that yes ladies and gentlemen, Chicago is on-par today with the heathenish hellholes of Sodom and Gomorrah.

But it’s important to restate Sarah Sanders, crime is driven by morality. People without loved ones or their Bible (Atheists) in their life will be more likely to commit crimes than ones with parents and Bible (Christians). Radical Islam is created by the corruption of God’s word, and Sharia Law threatens to strike Chicago. My fellow Christians, we cannot let Chicago go into a Godless downward spiral to go with their high rates of crime. We must save Chicago from itself and give Chicago salvation. So give a prayer for Chicago that no one gets murdered tonight or the next night, and maybe soon Chicago won’t murder as many people anymore.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Atheists, excluding Catholics.