America Must Protect Her Hedge Funds Against Insidious Trade Union Rebellion

Written by Gilbert Miser

The United States of America, under the direction of a new administration lead by Joe “Blow” Biden, has been disastrous at its worst and destructive at its best. The day Joe Biden stepped into office was the day the financial markets had to step up and defend our country from the evils that is crony capitalism (a democratic party only phenomenon). Sadly not even by the end of the first week, America was already being attacked from the inside out by a website called “Reddit” and their fictitious “Wall Street” with no real world connections to the Wall Street in New York City that is best known for giving money to real people that deserve it and don’t spew hate speech on internet forums. These, “redditors” decided to attack the life-preserving financial institutions known as Melvin Capital and Citadel LLC, both of which have helped our country tremendously and have been able to keep America afloat against Chinese tyranny, among other outside financial threats like the Dutch and Irish.

What these “redditors” (if that is the term they like to call themselves) did was invest in a dying video game company called Gamestop, which sold extremely violent and sexually promiscuous controversial games in retail format to deviant youths in order to make profit. Melvin Capital and Citadel, both much more massively influential and publicly recognized to the working man, wanted to invest in the downfall of the failure of the company that is Gamestop. The redditors rebelled by investing in the Gamespot stock (GME) in spite of the poor financial decision to do so, and as a result our great hedge funds have to endure a needless cost, which in turn makes America vulnerable to economic terrorism the likes we have not seen in history.

This is the part where I mention I have no business or ties to Melvin Capital, Citadel, or Gamestop. I am an honest billionaire who earned his money fairly from working hard and putting in tons of overtime much like you. I am not an insidious goblin who invests in penny stocks, junk bonds, and other such gimmicks. What is happening right now to America’s precious financial institutions is nothing short of terrorism. My own friends who work at these reputable firms are losing untold amounts of money because of what the Wall Street Journal (a liberal rag) would call a “meme stock”. This is no “meme’, people are losing their jobs and their overseas bank accounts because of this travesty. This is not a violent video game with Japanese female animation, these are real people these half-hearted redditors are tormenting with. And they don’t seem to care about who they are harming, illustrating a bigger problem in America today when compassion and empathy are burned to the ground for greed. It is nothing short of disgusting.

While financially illiterate fools will decry about “short selling” and hedge funds in general, they have no idea what they are talking about. Hedge funds have helped America since the dawn of the initial Revolution. If the colonies were not properly funded by hedge funds, we wouldn’t have a United States, let alone an America. When the War of 1812 happened, where did the U.S turn to for much needed financial assistance? It wasn’t the Federal Reserve, it was the hedge funds. By challenging the direction of how hedge funds work, we attack the very core of our nation. And in the name of tradition, we must preserve our financial-cultural heritage and not allow mere internet trolls or redditors control our precious stock market, one of America’s most noble institutions next to the Washington Monument and the White House.

It’s time that Joe “Sleepy” Biden must stop being asleep at the wheel and do something great for once in America. President Trump would’ve already either prevented or save our country from this crisis. Biden’s lack of comments on the situation is already damning enough, perhaps its in his best interest to destroy the last remaining precious thing about America: our glorious dollar. The lack of action is telling, but also a terrible sign for things to come in his administration. Save our hedge funds before it is too late!


Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

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