Written by Rachel Gilfords
It brings me absolutely zero pleasure in reporting this, but Santa Claus also known as St. Nick or “The Gift-Giver” to all has been found dead in a ditch just outside Albuquerque, New Mexico late last night on Christmas Eve. While the cause of death by the coroner states that Santa suffered a “Cerebral Hemorrhage”, an unmistakably violent death, it was not ruled a homicide. While Santa Claus is a bipartisan figure, even a hero to all the good children in the United States and even Europe, this was an assassination doomed to happen. While details of the alleged assassination plot have not gone public, this was very clearly a planned and calculated murder. But by whom?
While many on the intolerant left joke about the War on Christmas not being a real phenomenon, it very much is real. The intolerable, intolerant Left have always despised Christmas and have strong desires to ruin Christmas by replacing “Merry Christmas” with “Merry Holidays”, as well as removing all known references to Christmas from the public eye and replacing them with the dreaded “Holiday”. Santa Claus’s demise should have been more apparent, as the Intolerant Left (Liberals, Antifa, and Islam) have calculated for decades about killing Santa Claus in order to “win” the War on Christmas for good. Long have we ignored their prophecies about their desires to end Christmas or spread some pagan nonsense fantasies about killing Santa Claus, and this was our failure to prevent this tragedy from occuring.
While Santa did not have time to deliver the vast majority of his presents along the Western United States, he managed to have enough time to help the rest of God’s beloved children in the real, more important parts of the United States and the rest of the world. “St. Nick” was considered one of the most beloved people on Planet Earth, even the Jews who don’t celebrate Christmas (just wait till the rapture, Jews) considered Santa Claus a good person, something they would never dare say about Christ Himself. St. Nick was a generous man with a seemingly limitless supply of presents to give to good children, and coal with a tax rebate to all the patently evil non-conforming children. He was as kind to everyone as Dolly Parton and Ronald Reagan have done to the poor. Someone as selfless and caring as Santa Claus could have only been killed by wicked thugs from the Intolerant Left that hate anyone that does not conform to their evil socialist policies. Even as Santa gives gifts for free in acts that are generally seen as benevolent and kind, the evil trade unionists disagree.
The fact that Santa Claus’s death was not given a through investigation by the Bernalillo County Coroner office is suspicious enough to be considered a collusion effort from the coroner to the as of yet unnamed leftist group of Santa Claus assassins is highly suspicious and rings in thoughts of conspiracy. New Mexico historically has voted against God (they voted for Hillary and Biden), and would be the ideal place of these assassins to kill Santa Claus because California would’ve been too obvious. Bullshit News will keep you informed about this news in more detail once this evil group is captured and hopefully locked behind bars, preferably in Guantanamo Bay for legal reasons. He may have a successor, he has a chance to rise again like another well-known person to save us from ourselves.
Thank you for all that you have done Santa, we will avenge your needless death with blood. Until then, we wish all of you and your families a joyful and delightful Merry Christmas, and to not let Santa Claus’s death effect you or your children. We must not the leftists claim another victory in this hollowed out, broken year. MARRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!
Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a correspondent on religions that are not Christianity-affiliated or Judaism. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.