Written by Roger Goodmen
Canada is better known today as a colossal waste of land that neither the UK nor America can agree on who should “own” Canada. As a result, the Canadian wilderness is a vicious liberal cesspool of French people, hippies, ice, penguins, and whatever the hell “Saskatchewan” is. I’m pretty sure that’s not a word, but it is, in fact, a “province”, which means a lesser and lamer version of a state. Trying to understand Canada is like interpreting another language, which no true American has time for. So this begs the question, what is the point of Canada?
Perhaps Canada has oil, but if that were true America would claim the entire country by the federally sanctioned policy known as “manifest destiny”. Canada has no true natural resources that would make such an inhospitable icy-French hippie hell worthy of being an American state (or something much worse, California’s queer husband). American lives are not worth dying in the name to take over a maple syrup barren wasteland. Absorbing Canada’s GDP would not be worth the lives of our hard-working veterans that deserve to be glorified in the name of Jesus Christ. Jesus would weep at Canada, seeing all that land being used for absolutely nothing. These are the only reasonable assertions I could understand as to why America would not “invade Canada”. The terrain would be arduous for American soldiers to kill Canadian mooses, hippies, and their French people.
The United Kingdom has the burden of “owning” Canada the same way America has Guam. There would be reasonable inferences for seeing how the UK would use Canada to attack America, which they have previously done before in their failure to strike the U.S. from the War of 1812. But the UK is dealing with its own turmoil, with Brexit and the Godless Islamic Heathens breeding all over England, they cannot focus on Canada. So they gave those reds autonomy, which is why the first announcements for Prime Ministers go to India to initiate their bid to run for Canadian high office. It is a delusional clueless country for liberal ex-pats to run away from all their troubles in a Freedom-loving country. Hence their population of French, Eskimos, and hippie-stoners. All best known for quitting and laziness more than anything else.
There is no reason for Canada to exist. I can’t name a single thing, aside from bagged milk and Communism, I could get in Canada that I could not get in America. Canada is such a wasteland because of their communist policies led in place by their current Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. He exists to go on Obama-like apology tours and get a free check from the Queen. I cannot think of a better example of welfare then Mr. Trudeau, who has contributed nothing to his local economy and doesn’t even have a golf course in his entire plot of barren land that can be better used for development. This is, of course, why liberals love him. Liberals love leaders that do nothing but just sit there and smile, precisely what Barack Obama did in his eight years. But Trudeau wants to upstage Obama by doubling the number of apology tours and doing even less work then a former POTUS.
The next time you look at a map, and you see the “hat” on top of America, feel free to ignore it. The imaginary land of “Canada” has proven it has no value or worth to be a big boy country. And because of that, it’s not worthy of being invaded in the name of freedom. What a giant waste.
Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.