Audacious Liberals Have Launched A Movement To Ban Ice Cubes

Written by Gilbert Miser

In what might be the most non-sequitur political argument ever crafted, the Democrat party has decided to launch a movement titled, “Abolish ICE” or in millennial speak, #AbolishICE. Liberals are desperate for any kind of political victory ever since their party collapsed in 2016 and lost the presidency. Why do Democrats want to abolish ice cubes? Well, it’s a pretty complicated reason that brings up every political cliché you can think of.

The Democratic Party follow many kinds of conspiracy theories, from the Global Warming/Al Gore hoax to the myth that guns kill people. Liberals care about the environment and keeping it precious and soft, while the land that God created was meant to have its mineral rights used by Americans to dominate the world, by Republican hands. The Ice Cube ban is a multi-pronged agenda that involves global warming, a common food product located in every freezer in America, and lies. Democrats believe that ice cubes can cure the global warming, and desire to privatize ice cubes so that they can “save the planet” and send the ice cubes up to the sun. I’m not here to talk more about Al Gore’s desire to destroy America with Powerpoint slides, as Bullshit News has already covered that (thank you to our in-house scientist, Dr. Steven Clements). The anti-free market liberals know that global warming isn’t real, so they decided to stretch their nonsense even more ridiculously.

Their latest trick is about a fictional federal agency called “ICE”, which stands for “Immigration Customs Enforcement”, three concepts about the government that obviously don’t exist. They believe that ICE is separating women from their children and that immigrants are not sub-human Godless Islamic heathens with deadly societal intentions that need to be questioned intensely. “ICE” allegedly deports illegal immigrants, people in mental asylums, and Canadians, but that all sounds impossible. These people come into our country without any sort of documentation or job skills can benefit our blue-collar American lives. They have no worth in American society, they are like the Irish of 100 years ago, THEY NEED NOT APPLY.

There is no such thing as “ICE”, the federal government may be big and formerly incompetent under the Obama regime, but the government doesn’t need some sort of police specifically for immigrants or refugees. Border Patrol does all of that work already, having this “ICE” would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. President Trump and any other like-minded Republican understand that wasting taxpayer dollars is a cardinal sin in politics.

The most reasonable solution for any immigrant/refugee or otherwise non-American mental asylum patient is to be given further scrutiny over Border Patrol agents and, if possible, continue to separate anchor baby children from their illegal parents. Both of my parents died when I was two, and I still turned out to be a highly successful broker turned venture capitalist and a multibillionaire. We have the American Dream, anyone can work hard and get to where I am today. The American Dream is what separates us from those evil sinister European countries and trade groups like NATO and the European Union that want to crush the almighty American dollar. We want these new(ish) quasi-illegal Americans to come into this country to be tough and strong like real Americans, and this separation must continue in order for this to happen.

I understand this new wacko-liberal conspiracy theory is tough to follow, so let me simplify things:

1. Liberals refuse to end their global warming/Al Gore myth. Continuing this myth makes it easier for them to fight a fake agenda because they cannot comprehend what politics is actually about.

2. Liberals believe in some police-state form arm of the government called “ICE” that detains and brutalize up and coming Americans that came here illegally and are held under their will because of possible communist/Islam intentions.

3. Liberals want to privatize or ban ice cubes as a way to “end global warming” by sending the ice cubes up into the sun to make it less hot.

4. Liberals believe that “ICE” would use ice cubes to waterboard otherwise illegal human beings within America. Oh, and they separate parents from their kids or something like that.

So the next time a bunch of teenaged liberals talks about “#abolishICE”, you can safely ignore their psycho pleas and desire to destroy the Trump Administration from the inside out. Just laugh at them and call them out on how ridiculous they sound. And besides, if the American government separates women from their children, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But liberals enjoy jumping to conclusions without using their small brains to think deeply about a situation for longer than a minute.

I never normally used ice cubes, but now I’m going to use them for all of my drinks. I encourage you all to do the same. The government should not take away our ice cubes and liberals can take my ice away just as soon as they try to pry my gun away with my bare hands.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”.