Written by Pavel Shostakovich
Citing a large national debt problem and insufficient need for a state that cannot be accessed by a highway, President Trump has considered removing Alaska from the Union. This would be highly beneficial to the Union of the States United, as Alaska is a liberal state surrounded by Canada: a land of ice and French hippies. Selling Alaska back to Russia would give America a very high return of investment, and we know how much Donald Trump loves ending deficits in the State of America!
Alaska is a liberal state that is closer to Russia and the Russians than a common American Apple Pie and Empire State Building. They vote at end of election, not beginning, meaning they are a waste of voters and space for natural minerals, unmined from the Carter Administration. Imagine all the oil America could use instead of sucking it up from a straw in the Middle East. “Now that is a spicy meat-a-ball!”
It is no secret that the previous string of presidents up to Ronald Reagan was involved in giving America a giant debt with a spending deficit in order to create political problems when they otherwise had none in the 18th-19th and most of the 20th century. The territory of Alaska was manufactured in 1867 when Russia was in a similar situation like America today, in debt and need of profit. Alaska “officially” entered statehood in It is tables have turned time. It is not like Alaska is going for good use, it’s no Hawaii or Arizona.
Besides, Alaska is always cold. It is useless for tourism and other business ventures. People have Seaworlds all over America, what could make Alaska SeaWorld more special? Glaciers? A “Meet the Titanic”? Please. Alaska is backward like The Ukraine. Canada did not bother to even invade the territory, hence its existence. America can expand its borders in more financially relevant areas, like Syria. Alaska makes no sense and the USSR is no longer in operation to worry about any longer. America’s debt is huge, and big sacrifices need to be made for the glorious benefit of continual existence of the United States of America. It is through this country that I achieved the American Dream and do not have to hear my door every night to make sure KGB doesn’t hear. In America, you only worry about paying landlord on time, and taxes. It is more peaceful, although taxes are just as unpleasant.
At the time of this article, the United States debt stands at $21,222,747,669,999. There might be interest rates as well, adding on to that number I cannot pronounce. Selling off Alaska, which gives America only a mere $49,120,000,000 in GDP, can be sold for much more than that amount of billions. While selling Alaska will not completely erase America’s debt, it sure does a much better job than the Obama Administration’s failed efforts to conquer the problem. America will always find a 50th state somewhere in the world in order to save money on not ordering new American flags for everyone. The Dakotas could merge, Guam can enter statehood, or Mexico can concede more land. Regardless, alleviating the national debt is better than not doing so.
Russia has strong interest in re-acquiring Alaska, and they look to be big spenders. President Trump has always made it his dream since he was a little lad to end America’s deficit problems and Russia can help make Donald Trump have a superstar-like legacy as president if he cures America’s biggest problem. President Trump knows what the right thing to do, and perhaps it is better to start selling off some assets to solve a seemingly improbable situation rather than initiate a trade war with some inferior and weaker country like Albania or whatever.
Pavel Shostakovich is Bullshit News’ newest correspondent reporting on Russian and European Affairs. He is a naturalized American citizen whose parents escaped Communist tyranny in Russia, AND NOT BELARUS. Pavel studied political science at the University of Pennslyvania and is a member of the Federalist Society.