Tag: gen z

Trump Selects “Zoomer”, JD Vance, As His Vice Presidential Running Mate

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Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

Future President (once again) Donald Trump has announced the other day of his new, better vice presidential candidate for the be-all end-all election in November. Trump is replacing the formerly competent baby boomer Mike Pence with a leader better suited for future generations and the continuation of Trumpism/American Economics, JD Vance. Mr. Vance is 1/3rd the age of Trump, being born in the “Generation Z” cohort which is known to be much more in favor of Republican ideals of family values, traditionalism, and being against the vile immorberal beast known as pornography. This future generation of America’s leaders may have found its bedrock representative with this excellent pick of a Vice President.

While the Democrats panic and freak out over Joe Biden’s end-of-life crisis, they continue failing to appeal to younger generations (including their supposedly beloved millennials) who are more likely to become middle-aged voters in 10-15 years where they will become a dominant, if not apathetic, voting bloc of jaded people that obsess over vapid nostalgia of “the good old days” when they were all just kids playing their Pokemon video games, waiting for 9/11 to happen and change up their lives. Even as the DNC resort to the “Gen X” latchkey Kamala, they continue to ignore younger generations which makes them crave a serious and strong alternative–the Republican Party. Such a group of young and bright people need a strong Christian man to lead the future in the right way Ted Cruz, JFK (who was a closet Republican), and Ronald Reagan did with our nation in the past.

What we know about JD Vance, the current youngest Senator (R-Ohio) in office, is that he embodies the concept of an “Alpha Male” an obscure term originating from eugenicist Charles Darwin that the younger generations have caught on to, as well as being “Based”. These slang terms are of high regard and approval toward JD Vance’s character and appeal. He loves “surfing the web”, skateboarding, and browsing the internet playing Roblox, Apex Legends, and Fortnite in his limited free time. He is married to a woman and has three children–true Alpha Male nuclear family status of a normal healthy Republican man. JD Vance is “based” with his strong conservative beliefs on abortion, the death penalty/capital punishment, as well as the strong desire to heavily tax the poor. While these beliefs ought to be the norm for every American, it is a welcome sight to see such a ravishing young man like JD hold onto these beliefs like a Russian martyr fighting for society’s liberty.

Young Gen “Zoomer” Americans can see themselves in this humble man, built into the mold of a Minecraft Steve from Appalachia, USA. JD wrote about his roots in his hit best-seller, “Hillbilly Elegy”, where he talks about the fact that he had to learn how to hurdle cattle by himself at age 6, had to make and wear his own shows by age 8, and protected his home with proper self-defense training by the simple age of 11. Young JD had a proper rugged conservative upbringing in real rural America and far away from big city elitist liberal hellhole metropolitan areas. Unfortunately his mother struggled with drug addictions growing up, which JD Vance had to struggle to deal with. But as a result of his struggled, Republican upbringing living in near-poverty Appalachia, he was properly recognized with his talents with his superior wit and Republican brawn, ending up at Yale Law, but not before he served our country in the Marine Corps in our war against the Iraq Godless Barbaric terrorists for a brief time period.

And to think he achieved all of this before he even turned age 21! It’s a wonder that this new generation of young Americans actually care about the traditions and heritage of our old country—something missed out from the millennial generation. Vance is able to connect to younger generations with his like-minded views and “Alpha Male” status that those on the instantgramification talk-ticking platform highly value. His “basedness” is something of an unknown x-factor type of “vibes” that are hard to translate into a political sense. He reminds me of a young Theodore Roosevelt, whose gallant personality and inability to have fear whipped our country into being the manliest in the world. Don’t let any of that take away that Vance is something of the future in the Republican Party: a true strong “based” man that will one day reshape America back into its state’s rights-valuing traditions of yore where men with common sense and reasonable levels of literacy followed common law and ruled the day without fear of “wokeness” or other hysterical liberal DEI vocabulary.

JD Vance still has plenty of time to find his proper mold within the Republican Party as its future stalwart leader. I wouldn’t even put it out of the question that he may end up on the Supreme Court one day so long as he doesn’t spend too many hours on those vapid video games his generation loves so much. But as the party’s leader, he will know the future contemporary issues and how to guide our GOP into the new future with whatever new technologies liberal tech companies will try and deploy to make our future children into mindless woke zombies that constantly vote Democrat. Perhaps JD Vance may be our best hope in defeating those evil censorship-loving companies. Until then, he has an important job to help Donald Trump win back his old job for good.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

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Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.