If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.