Tag: Godless Islamic Barbarians

Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

Teenagers Should Be Free Enough To Join The Army And Be Drafted To Fight Terror

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

America’s youth these years are addicted to two things: pornography and scaffolding.  Children are nothing but libertarian pawns to run around in airports, kicking my seat while they rely on their Facebook mobile typewriter-screens to read! No respect for their elders who fought valorously to defend this country from the communists that threatened our freedom! The children are anarchistic and rude, but law and order can be given to them when they are of pubescent age. 6 is an age young enough to know the distinctions of good and evil, that’s why pop culture figures like “Harry Potter” and “Mr. Ed” are aged appropriately when they began their adventures to fight crime, Islam and communism.

The teenagers are young and fit and in previous generations, have been more than capable of working 16+ hour shifts six days a week. Because of their high energy, I see no ethical or moral harm in their decision making should they be drafted and randomly selected to serve. Some of the finest generals and other military leaders in history started their careers as young as four! Wow! Imagine how powerful those militaries were, being lead by men with over thirty years of experience in warfare. We must train children with their high energy advantage if conscripted when the time comes of course.

The teenagers today have lived their entire lives under the wars of Iraq, Afghanistan, and the War on Terror. All they know about the Godless Islamic Barbarians, public enemy number one to the United States and the free capitalism-aspiring world, is that they cause terrorism and want everyone to be terrified at all times. I can’t believe the young teenagers these days never went through 9/11, hatred of such a terrifying scale that ultimately made the United States realize that the Soviet Union was just the beginning and that there are enemies to freedom and democracy all across the globe. President George W. Bush examined all of his available options with his cabinet carefully curated from Vice-President Dick Cheney and Senior Advisor Karl Rove. There was simply no option but to commit total war against terrorism and Godless Islamic Barbarian extremism. Seventeen years later, and the terrorists and extremists are still around, along with the Democrats.

Our children and future children should live in a world of peace and no war, ideally. But they must fight for it to get it. There are many terrorists and extremists of the Islamic faith/Muslim ideology around, and there will never be peace unless they are exterminated. It is perhaps the toughest war the United States has gone through, as the terrorists really like to test America’s mettle. They learned from America’s past and entirely successful wars. They understand America will always win every war inevitably, but they will fight down to the very last man to make America earn it. That is why the Wars with Iraq and Afghanistan are still going on, as they are terrorist breeding grounds. Other Middle Eastern countries, like Saudi Arabia, Yemen, and Syria, understand America is mighty and that is why they do not produce as many extremists or terrorists like Palestine or Jordan.

I believe Disney child star Whitney Houston once said, “I believe the children are our future”. And those children were right, in the ’80s. But that statement rings true today. I, a near super-centenarian, know children are the future. But because there is so much terrorism and Godless Islamic Barbarians that endanger our free market society and put America at risk for invasion or another 9/11-like event. If teenagers like (D-NY) Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez are allowed into the House of Representatives, then they should be allowed to join the military with no age limit. And because these wars are clearly in the public’s mind to continue investing, we must bring back the draft. We must ensure the safety of our future, just like Whitney Houston said. The safety of our children continues to put America at risk, a risk worth investing in.
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.