Update: Christmas Is Saved From Atheist And Islamic Terrorism

Written By Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

On Christmas Eve we, unfortunately, had to inform our viewers that the Nation of Islam, in cohorts with the Atheist movement/militia, were attempting to sabotage one, if not THE most important holiday in our country/culture, Christmas. They were upset that Christianity is more prominent in the world than their own ideology, festered in hate by one of the devils incarnate in Louie Farrakhan. Farrakhan, for those that do not remember, is one of the biggest “haters” of the 20th and 21st centuries. He is a black supremacy extremist that has expressed an unwavering desire to end “whitey” and some Jewish people that stand in his way. Farrakhan knew he needed an army of people, not just relying on his Nation of Islam, he needed a much larger following to execute his evil demands. Lucky for Farrakhan, he got his Christmas gift early with a large coalition of Atheists that wanted to help him with his desire to end Christmas once and for all with domestic terrorism.

Farrakhan and his Godless Islamic Barbarian and Atheist followers were to go to as many houses in America and try to burn down their Christmas trees and presents and sell the most valuable presents to pawn shops across America to rake in more money for the Nation of Islam. Thankfully, since we alerted the authorities and properly informed the people about this upcoming potential monstrosity, we were able to arrest the many people that attempted to destroy America’s precious holiday that all of us Christians celebrate merrily. That’s right readers of Bullshit News, together we have saved Christmas!

But we must also strive and make efforts to prevent efforts of Democratic Party-funded styles of terrorism that threaten to destroy our countries’ unity. The Atheism community and the Nation of Islam are forms of protected speech by our First Amendment, and their actions of terror, while heavily documented, are not enough for these groups to be disciplined from our judicial system as they are heavily biased towards liberals. This is one thing  President Donald Trump is working on year-round, eradicating this humungous bias against Christianity that is judicial activism. The Democrats tried to stop Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh from going on the Supreme Court as well as our friend and sometimes advisor of Bullshit News, Neil Gorsuch. We must spend more effort to stop this Democratic madness, and we must always remain vigilant about it.

As we head towards a new year, decade, and plenty more Christmases to come, we must all be aware of the threat that Louie Farrakhan, the Nation of Islam, and Atheism all have against our country. They are against our values, are for taxes to be raised unfairly for pig barrel spending, and support the Democratic Party more times then they do not. While the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Atheist Coalition may be fundamentally opposed to each other from their respective religious documents, they do align on one goal: the total destruction of Christianity and our beloved United States of America. We must be prepared for Christmas next year, or perhaps Easter as well. We cannot let acts of terrorism define us as a country.

But we don’t need to worry about terrorism anymore today, the Atheist Islamic brutes have lost, and their agenda has been espoused. Other outlets like CNN, The Epoch Times or The Daily Caller would have allowed these acts of terror to slide because of their mainstream liberal biases. But we don’t lie to you, we tell you the truth straight from the source, where all news originates: word of mouth. And despite what those Islamo-Atheist leftist terrorists want, Christmas is here today, and here to stay for the end of time and even beyond that.

God bless you all, and have a merry Christmas and a fruitful new year. Unless you are a radical Atheist-Islamo Barbaric Terrorist, in which case you should go to hell and think about what you were planning on doing.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Atheists And The Nation Of Islam Are Attempting To Stop Christmas From Happening

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The War On Christmas is not stopping any time soon, as long as liberals control a portion of the government they will try to stop us from celebrating America’s most beloved holiday. The Atheists, a religious group that opposes all forms of religion and piety not to be confused with Antifa, have decided to join forces with one of the biggest threats to America from Godless Islamic Barbarian brutalism, the Nation of Islam. For those unaware, the Nation of Islam is led by notorious anti-Christian and even anti-Semitic GodKing named Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan is one of the biggest enemies of Christendom of the 20th and 21st century, wanting to usher in a new crusade while also hating the Jews as a side-quest. Farrakhan might have realized that his goals for conquesting are not good enough to stop Christmas this year and needed a much larger group to help him on his quest. Luckily for Farrakhan, a large amount of Americans (25%, almost all are sinners) are irreligious, or Atheist per their nomenclature.

The alliance between Islam and Atheism was longly considered a hoax. They appear to be mortal enemies, much like Judaism and all sects of Christianity. The Jewish people did not want to celebrate Christmas so they became Jewish instead, which was only considered okay recently. Atheists, on the other hand, are rude and callous and would firebomb Christmas if terrorists would help them. The Nation of Islam is one of the strongest pillars of Godless Islamic Barbarianism and is sometimes called the “American ISIS” or the “Capitalist Taliban”. Farrakhan, in particular, acts as he looks: a ruthless dictator with no care towards people that aren’t his own. Farrakhan once said he would “eat the Jews” if he could, but it is far from the worst thing about him. Farrakhan has a powerful alliance with the Democratic Party (DNC).

It is not an open secret that the DNC has struggled to exist over the decade. The ideas of the Democratic Party lie in the minority of U.S voters, as time and elections have proved over and over again. They are struggling financially, and one group that has given them money since their inception has been the Nation of Islam. They want to erase everything about Christianity and God from our culture and replace it with Louis Farrakhan statues and poorly drawn cave paintings about hunting “whitey”. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Atheism has long been a threat to the America we love and support every day. Atheists have contributed nothing to American culture and have long antagonized it and everything regarding organized religion. Atheism has no organized leader or central planning, similar to communism in ideology. And since the Atheist movement has no leader, they are perhaps a larger threat than the Nation of Islam by themselves if they weren’t so rudderless with their kibbutz-inspired “leadership”. So how do we know the Nation of Islam is now working with the Atheists? Well, the (somewhat open) secret is that they have been working together for decades now, announcing the partnership as public to threaten Christians near one of the holiest days of the year? Farrakhan would do that as a ruthless tyrant who wants to seek control of the White House via illicit means.

“But what about Christmas? What are these groups planning on doing to stop Christmas?” You, the intelligent reader of Bullshit News just had this thought enter your head. Farrakhan and his Nation of Islam with the support of the Atheist Coalition will try to stop Christmas by going from house to house and burning Christmas Trees down without thought or care to the families that are celebrating their time-honored heritage. Although if your children and/or teenagers are smart, they would be properly armed and ready to assault any suspicious-looking person that attempts to walk on your front lawn and try to destroy your holiday spirit.

The Nation of Islam is and has been recruiting the Atheists to undermine America’s first or second most important holiday of the year. Farrakhan is inspired by the Atheist’s commitment to leaderless, organized action. They will attempt to burn down our Christmas trees anywhere across America, so being armed and prepared for tonight is essential. The Atheists and their Nation of Islam cohorts will try to take your presents and sell them to people that don’t deserve it, or probably burn them and be turned on from the pyromania.

Unfortunately, we cannot sleep early tonight as this is a national crisis that these terrorist groups will try to remove the joy from one of the holiest (if not, THE) days of our year. So lock your doors, take your rifles or shotguns out from the cupboard and look out the windows carefully tonight. Because whether you will have rain, sleet, snow, or even hail, the Nation of Islam and Atheists will try to destroy one of our great pillars of our country. We must be prepared for the worst so that we can celebrate Christmas tomorrow when we’re at our best.

If I don’t make it out alive because of the Atheists, I want my last written words to be: Merry Christmas and have a jovial new year. If you don’t hear from me again, you’ll know what happened. Merry CHRISTMAS.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a correspondent on religions that are not Christianity-affiliated or Judaism. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

The Only People Who Should Be Afraid Of Torture Are Liberals (For Not Understanding Common Sense)

Written by Sgt. Abu Ghraib 

It’s an established fact in every American history textbook, the finest textbooks regarding history in the whole world, that the Democratic Party (DNC) is responsible for slavery (AKA racism) and their support for gentrification, gerrymandering, and abortion, also miss the boat when it comes to legal and proper use of Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, known in the mass media pop culture vernacular as “torture”. Of course, the United States would never use “torture” on any American citizen no matter their race, sexual orientation, or other. “Torture”, or EIT for short, is a broad subject and can be quite elaborate to talk about in great detail. I was hired by Bullshit News to do my best to describe the history and proper ritual of EIT, so here we go!

EIT, that’s T for techniques not “torture”, is conducted only when the enemy, typically a committed “hater” of American values and decency, someone that truly hates freedom and Democracy that decided to become a higher up in the military rule of a terrorist country, commonly a Godless Islamic Barbarian type to boot, refuses to comply with the American government about details regarding their military or country that could give a benefit to American warfare. The information the convicted felon from another country is called “intelligence”, even though the enemy is often not very intelligent (because they are brainwashed by communist barbarians to hate Democracy and Freedom). If the enemy refuses to comply and offer the intelligence, then actions of EIT will be undergone to extract the intelligence. These actions are always interrogations well, actually enhanced interrogations, which implies that more force will be used is merely rhetorical and not indicative of any use of harm or alleged cruel and unusual punishment.

Now we really musn’t call it “torture”, that is merely a mainstream media buzzword for having a conflicting opinion about the tactics of war. Now, most journalists have never fought in a war, unlike me, so they don’t understand and have no clear idea about what happens when you’re fighting a war, especially in the desert. Should these hack mainstream media journalists at Breitbart really be the ones to judge warfare? And to have the so-called ethos to tell the public or “inside subscribers” to their access/extra-“gotcha journalism” about details like what goes on in Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever country that happens to mettle with the might of the United States should not offer any opinions about warfare. Listen only to people that served, they know what happens. Civilians can’t easily comprehend the horrors I and every office in the military have seen. Believe us, not CNN.

Now that we got that all out of the way, we can talk briefly about the history of EIT. EIT was first mentioned and likely invented in Sun Tzu’s Art of War in the 5th Century Before Christ (BC). Sun Tzu merely wrote on the tools and techniques of EIT from his time, which has now evolved to include computers and social media websites.  Most of the time period between Sun Tzu and the War of Independence is largely irrelevant and can be explained in better detail by the Bible and a page or two in the Quran. Just know that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and all the great Founding Fathers of there time universally agreed on two things, the Bill of Rights and approval of EIT. Such use of EIT was how this country was informed, and so long as other citizens weren’t conducting EIT on each other, then there should be no controversy. This is what lead to the creation of the 3rd and 8th Amendments.

Perhaps the greatest practitioners in the art of EIT were the brain trust of the Bush Administration, one of America’s most successful governments not just by GDP growth, but as the administration with the greatest exporting of freedom and liberty by any government in recorded human history. Lead by the one and only President George W. Bush, the only man on 9/11/2001 to steer our country away from Terror and Anarchic Communist Terrorism and propel America into an even stronger Democracy and Freedom exporting country than Osama Bin Laden and his ISIS/ISIL followers could spread terrorism and their Godless Islamic Barbarianism.

Those within the brain trust include his Vice-President Dick Cheney who was personally responsible for strengthening the Bush Administrations use of EIT and wrote many, many dissertations on the subject, Donald Rumsfeld who was called “The Architect” of EIT in the Bush Administration, Rumsfeld helped eased media and public tension regarding the knowns and unknowns (as well as the known knowns and unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns) and means of acquiring intelligence through any means otherwise not detailed during the Geneva Convention or similar peace protocols.

We can spend another 1,000 words about how the Bush Administration essentially reinvented EIT, so I won’t talk any more on it. But if you, the loyal and faithful reader of Bullshit News ever wants to learn more about the success of the Bush Administration or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, the local library is usually located in your city or census-designated place and will have books about it, nothing you can ever find in those darn Obamaphones!

But I digress. Hopefully, you have learned more about EIT and the success the United States of America has been conducting it since the tragic morning of September 11th, 2001. But I also must inform you that the opponents of EIT, who again are the inane liberals over at the Democratic Party, don’t understand the benefits and success EIT has given to our country, unlike you–the faithful and well-educated patriotic reader. Thank you. Thank you for understanding how America works, unlike the phony liberals that threaten to destroy our countries unity on a daily basis.

 

Sgt. Abu Ghraib is Bullshit News’ newest Correspondent, providing expert analysis and thought-out opinions about the on-going threats of the War on Terror and the Godless Islamic Barbaric Terrorists that conduct it. Whether it’s Morocco, Israel, Iraq, Palestine, Las Vegas or Iran, Abu fought in the Iraq War and enjoyed it so much he went to Afghanistan where he is stationed today in Kabul. Abu was born and raised in Macon, Georgia to prove all the “haters’ that bullied him in his high school that he was much more American than they are, and never looked back. Abu is currently on inactive duty, eagerly waiting for his name to be called at any moment.

Bullshit News Investigates: What Is The Clinton Foundation?

Written by Alexander Jones

Bullshit News recently disclosed that Bullshit News received an undisclosed amount of money from an anonymous donor to be funded for Bullshit News’s new investigative series. Bullshit News hired Alexander Jones, a former detective turned investigative journalist to produce original investigations for the public’s benefit. In his recent report, Alexander has discovered shocking truths the public forgot or intentionally ignored from the Clinton Foundation.

 

But before I can begin about the Clinton Foundation, I have to bring up the Supreme company. Supreme is a clothing company based in New York City which is coincidentally in the same city as the main headquarters of the Clinton Foundation. Supreme is a fashion brand company that is well-liked among the 18-35 and 13-18 demographics in America, the same demographics that voted for Hillary more than they did for President Trump. Notice something? Well, I did, so I had to look more into this sinister “Supreme” company that has no affiliation with the Supreme Court.

The Supreme company is one with vague business ties and curious cases of philanthropy that don’t disclose their donors or where the money in the “Supreme” company goes, a curious business model no different at all from the Clinton Foundation. Supreme claims to provide various forms of its brand logo, illustrated by a professional courtroom sketch artist below, in forms of commercial and consumer goods or so they say.

supreme
Logo of Supreme, notice the C. Does it stand for copyright, or the Clinton Foundation?

I traveled to many stores in my nearby shopping goods area, and could not find any store or any product with the “Supreme” logo or related gear anywhere. I looked at every possible store including the massage parlors and hair salons to make sure this so-called fashion product wasn’t some form of illicit propaganda mind control device, or if they were even a real company, to begin with. I wasn’t satisfied with my brazen attempt to find the truth, so I looked up more shopping good supply areas in my nearby big city, Louisville, to find more “Supreme” stores or gear. After spending two more days looking at shopping malls and massage parlors, I could not find any single Supreme-branded device. To make sure I went to every possible business venue in the various areas I traveled to, I even went inside the liberal tourist trap known as “sex stores”. They did not even have, to quote the shopkeeper, “a supreme dildo nor a pair of supreme whips and chains”, whatever those are. It looked like I was out of luck.

Then, I hit a brick wall. Literally. I had to go to the hospital for a few weeks as all the investigation that I was doing regarding the Clinton Foundation stressed me out from the lack of sleep and peripheral awareness from working too hard to find the truth. Once I recovered and left the hospital, I looked at the sun and realized I found the link. The Clinton Foundation, an unscrupulous “philanthropic” organization that gives money to Godless barbaric Islamic terrorists and so-called “street artist hip-hop rappers” to “better and further venture the American public lifestyle”. Those two groups have another major elephant in the room in commonality with each other that doesn’t involve the Clinton Foundations’ money, and that is they are the biggest target audiences for the Supreme corporation. How could this be?

You see, Supreme is nothing more than a commercial front for the Clinton Foundation, which is infamous for its lack of transparency it shares with Supreme. Supreme owns no stores but owns various business ventures throughout America’s biggest cities, allegedly. The Clinton Foundation claims to help a variety of businesses and terrorist organizations but hasn’t been transparent with the specific numbers or even the names and locations of these so-called “businesses” that have received their aid. In my effort to find these numbers, I sent numerous emails to the Clinton Foundation, John Podesta (a name I’ve heard related to both the Clinton Foundation and Supreme), and Hillary Clinton herself. Sadly, I did not get any response back, and I’ve also filed numerous FOIA requests that have all been denied for ominous, unspecified reasons.

I was almost ready to move the issue of the Clinton Foundation into a cold case until I was given a mysterious phone call from an unknown number (according to my callerID device). A man with some form of vocoder called saying he was from an anonymous political front known as “The Carlyle Group” informed me that his political group owned Supreme and “a couple of shares” in the Clinton Foundation and warned me that the Clinton Foundation was a front for more international globalist ideology, an attempt to control the millennial cohort and warned me that if I tried to find Supreme or investigated further then what he just told me, “American soldier lives may be at stake”. As I aggressively inquired for more information, he hung up. Due to the respect of his relatively open nature for a liberal, I have decided to protect this source from public identification. But with the little that he revealed to me has opened a much deeper rabbit hole.

Neglecting that my own life is at a larger risk now than ever before, I found out “The Carlyle Group” owns half of the Supreme Company as a private equity company, a company that specializes in the economic principle of liberty. The Carlyle Group owns or has investments in many entities that allow America to function blissfully like Dunkin Donuts and Kinder Morgan. Their investments in the Clinton Foundation remain relatively minimal at the time of this writing (roughly 3%), backing what Charles Walton, who I deduced by various form of “googling” was my anonymous source, has said about Supreme and the Clinton Foundation.

There wasn’t much more I could find out about the Clinton Foundation beyond this information, but it’s more than enough to see the links between Hillary Clinton’s illicit business connections to her failed attempt at running for president. From my conclusions, it appears that Hillary Clinton wanted to become President of our United States to illicitly profit off of the lives of terrorism and the skateboarders that would vote for her. There is obviously a lot more to this story then what I have reported, so this remains an active case. I have already potentially put a few peoples lives like Charles Walton in danger but that’s the risk I have to take being a fearless investigative journalist living hellbent to uncover the untold truths in our world.

 

If you or someone you love may be a communist, a radical, a socialist, an anarchist, or if you think there is a cabal of elites trying to categorize the world or attempt to dismantle our countries’ unity, you can contact me or Don Kaftan (via donkaftan@bullshitnews.org ) from that email. Every American secret must be unveiled in order to protect our democracy from lurking threats that try to pry liberty from our God-given rights. We deserve to know the truth, we are Americans after all.

Alexander Jones is a fierce investigative journalist dedicating to finding the real truth blurred by the mainstream globalist media. Alexander Jones is a strong advocate for libertarianism, liberty, and raw rib eye steak. In his spare time away from journalism, Alexander enjoys hunting and keyboard/synthesizer music. An animal advocate throughout his life, he currently owns five hunting dogs, two purebred horses, and two cats. Although he is an advocate for the survival of the fittest Darwinism, he is a Pentecostal Christian who always–ALWAYS spends time with Jesus and The Lord on Sundays. 

Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.