Written by Sgt. Louie Gates II
Democrats often talk about the desire to cut our military/defense budget to “curb government excess”, but what they really mean is that they want America’s borders to implode. They complain and cry about the so-called “military-industrial complex”, but that’s a secret message being sent to our enemies, desperately calling for 9/11 to happen again. Liberals want to give them a free parking spot. The only people that can stop those crazy liberals is our military.
America is under constant threat not just from the USSR, but from liberal terrorists that lurk on social media threatening to end America and something about a fictional federal agency called ICE. Their opinions are as harmless as their wallets, which is a problem for our Air Force to develop new fighter jets to kill enemies quicker. The military needs every dollar it can get, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have an unnamed source high-up in the Marines that they might have to host a telethon on Fox News within the next 16-24 months because the military isn’t quite getting the amount of money they need to operate 100%.
This isn’t a time for libraries people, it’s time for our nation’s borders to be stronger than Afghanistan! France might have “won” a world cup, but have they won a real war? Has France proven to the world that people should fear their democracy and their right? France has not been a good ally to us for over two hundred years. How can we trust our so-called allies to help us in time of need? And never forget the threat that is North Korea and their evil nuclear intentions. Any cut to our military budget will only benefit Kim Jong-Un and Iran in their plot to destroy America and raze your hometown.
There are other ways for the military to raise money without the assistance of public broadcasting from viewers like you. We can invade a country that no other country in the world would sanction us over, like Albania. Albania is a small country located in the Adriatic Sea that could be outgunned by just our Navy and Marines. We wouldn’t even need feet on the ground for this small operation, unlike Vietnam. Albania would be our Puerto Rico for Europe. But since Europe is an unstable continent, we’re probably better off giving that territory to Russia instead.
Sadly wars are too controversial to be promoted in Congress. To do so would require, you guessed it, more budget for our military. Liberals smear this psychological thought-process as “propaganda”, but that’s what the Russians do. And we’re not the Russians you ne’er-do-weel liberal, we are the United States of America. We will match our words with our weapons, and with the golden mouth of President Donald Trump, we can show the world our true potential that we have been building up. But we’re not done building our military just yet, because we need more money.
Do what you can to the United States Army, run a bake sale in your local community, start up a lemonade stand by the gun range, or even invent a start-up and move to San Francisco and invade the liberals from where they breed. Switch the budget for “music education” for a new aircraft carrier. You can never feel too safe in this dark and scary world.
Did you know the American army has a branch called the “Coast Guard”? They defend our coasts so that the Navy can focus on making pinging noises in their submarines. They are the second smallest branch after America’s newest military branch, the Space Force. The Space Force will defend America from the third dimension: Space. The Air Force can only defend the skies to such a limited degree so the Space Force can defend America’s borders from the top down. It’s just simple Reaganomics.
Don’t worry kids, the military is there to make sure you sleep peacefully, and proudly, at night. You don’t need music education, you need protection. Donald Trump, hear my plea: fund the military, or we will bleed.
Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times on multiple tours and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country.