Is Q and his ‘QAnon’ The Second Coming Of Jesus Christ?

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

For those of you searching the Internets for your latest “Grubhub”, you might have come across a group of passionately devoted followers of Jesus Christ who call themselves the “QAnon(s)”. The QAnon group of devoted evangelicals is, to put it simply, a large group of patriots extremely devoted to President Trump and his teachings, as well as good ol’ Jesus. They call themselves QAnon in order to hide their identities from oppressive liberals that would hunt them down and convert them to the Nancy Pelosi ideology of pure evil and callousness under The Deep State. The Q’s as they like to be called, are some of the most vigorous and toughest allies of the Trump Administration in their war against the evil atheist immorberal ideology, but there is always more than meets the eye when it comes to QAnon.

The leader of the QAnon militia to plowshares movement is a man only known by the alias, “Q”. Q has strong parallels to Jesus Christ. Both are presumed to be in their early 30’s, both invoke the wrath of God if nothing correct comes their way, and we know nothing else about them. From the outside, it would be easy to deem Q and his anon followers of Jesus to be a ‘hoax’ when this is far from the case. QAnon is very much a real and important lobby of Republican voters who will go to bat against the evil Democrat Deep State Party and their desire to end America as we know it. These followers rally with slogans such as “Where We Go One We Go All” (whatever the hell that means),  “The Storm” a hopeful event where the Deep State is overthrown in a tidal storm, and “The Great Awakening” which refers to President Trump’s inevitable reelection.

While the QAnon movement is full of people who will be our future politicians and civic leaders, Q only seems to talk in cryptic riddles to hide their identity, only posting to an imageboard-like website of what appears to be a Xanga. We’ve requested interviews with Q, to no response. It’s unfortunate we can’t hear the beautiful James Baldwin-esque prose of these young Republicans. It is therefore safe to assume that “Q” is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Never in my 106 (approaching 107 this month) years of living on God’s green Earth have I ever encountered such poetry that has touched my soul since Casey At The Bat. His words have galvanized a new base within the Republican Party full of brave men and women whose only politics consist of truthiness.

The main antagonist to Q and his “anons” are the very real threat that is The Deep State. The Deep State is a long-running hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department that engage in elaborate tactics the common American is unaware about. These tactics mostly include general Democratic Party racketeering and as QAnon followers allege, is the center of a massive pedophile ring across the United States. Since the Deep State works in secrecy it is hard to validate the veracity, unless you believe and worship Jesus Christ 2.0, Q. Q admits he is a member of “The Deep State” and that he must communicate his messages anonymously onto the Internet in order for people to be aware that the Deep State exists and is actively harmful to us all. Does this all remind you of a heavenly figure named Jesus Christ? The parallels don’t stop there.

Jesus Christ was also involved in a hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department within the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ claimed WAS the Second Coming of the Messiah to the Jewish People.  Jesus Christ was operating under the Catholic Empire, the Deep State of its era. Jesus had to spread his messages in hiding or be subject to Judeo-Roman tyranny. Not to mention the pedophile ring that occurred in the Roman Empire. Yes, these stories are too odd to be so coincidental So similar in fact the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy cannot even apply. Q, much more likely than it can be unlikely, is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ that we were told about in The Bible. If this were not the case, Q would not be able to spread his Xanga iambic pentameter prose on the Internet. And without Jesus, Q could not possibly exist. They are symbiotic, which means there is danger at our door.

We must devote all our resources into finding and dissolving this Deep State, for Q’s sake. President Trump was elected to solve tough problems, and the Deep State is a significantly deep problem that must be stopped to save our State. No longer should we tolerate shadowy government figures that hide in bureaucracy in heavily windowed buildings, for they are the operatives of the Democratic Party and possible Catholics. These Deep State figures not only tried to revive Jeffery Epstein but were definitely collaborators of OBAMAGATE. President Trump cannot do this alone, we must expose the Deep State by worshiping Jesus Christ every Sunday!! WE DO THIS FOR GOD!!!!

 
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

God Needs More Money

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Hello, faithful and loyal readers of the Bullshit News, it is I, your honorable pastor, John Mathewson. I only wish to communicate with you, the noble Republican reader directly, because the issue that is at hand is beyond compelling through comprehension on what is happening in the world we desire and pray for on a Sunday to Sunday basis.

I have just received a vision from God, and it turns out our holy deity that despises the Islamic religion and the other one with the “yamulkes”, have really hit dire straits. Believe me, believe God, believe in Best Buddy Jesus Christ because Heaven is attempting to construct an all-new Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network to help all of us Christian humans have better communications for this multi-billion dollar corporation in the sky.

For you see, a great and all-powerful man named God runs and operates this multi-billion corporation called Heaven, and the upkeep for Heaven’s costs are astronomically high. If you were to keep taxing God like this, the banks would run and control heaven while forcing God to foreclose and bankrupt his for-prophet organization. But if you are dumb you must be asking yourself one question, “What is a bank?”

If you really are this dumb, I can assist. Banks are places where there are tons of money stored. The money just sits there, doing absolutely nothing, untouched by government or man, but just by the bank itself. This is the money God needs to start constructing a modern and enhanced Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network in Heaven, as well as helping a nephew of a family friend of ours in church, Erik Prince operate Academi, a peacekeeping Christian diplomatic organization that helps the Godless Islamic Barbarians in the Middle East on understanding The Bible.

Giving your money directly to God is quite a difficult thing to do, which is why pastors, priests, and all the others are exchequers of God. Each and every one of us have proper rules regarding finances and avoiding usury from corrupting our souls. But I must bring up the banks again in our conversation, they are also closed on Sundays, which is ridiculous. All of that money in all of those vacant-on-Sundays lots would be better suited in the House of the Lord!

Does anyone know how expensive it is to install a perfectly functional Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network up in Heaven while also quality-assuring and sound-checking the infrastructure once it’s all set up so that God can help process in more lost souls into Heaven while upgrading the media operations for better audio and visual clarity to better boost performance? How else could banks help this out without giving their money on over to us? The thought process is absurd and depressing. We are making God’s work in vain by not helping him out. Thoughts and prayers will not help us here, only financing.

That is why I ask you, faithful and pure Bullshit News viewers and endorsers, who are already not financing Bullshit News, to finance Bullshit News eventually but not right this moment. God’s work is much more important and requires much more precision and accuracy. We all think of God in dark times, and truth be told friends, God thinks he is in hard times due to a large amount of financing left to be told to start the initial process of Heaven’s Telecommunication and Multimedia Broadcast Network system. Please, don’t think of us (just yet), think of God, and how he helps you. And his son Jesus who did his thing and yadda yadda yadda you all understand and hear it every day just like me.

Help them, help me, but most importantly help God, who was/is them. God needs more money, contact your local pastor or priest or otherwise Christian Messenger for more explicit inquiry on how you can help God today, and tomorrow.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Israelites, excluding Agnostics. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.