Democrats Engage In Satanic Ritual In Order To Revive Top DNC Donor Jeffery Epstein

Written by Roger Goodmen

With the stellar success of the Donald Trump administration these last four years, it has made many top donors of the Democratic Party quit in order to support a real winning team, much like how LeBron James joined the Miami Heat and became the “king” of basketball, abandoning Cleveland and their wretched left-wing policies regarding monarchial status. One infamous donor has come up time and time again in donating to the Democratic Party since their failed coup d’etat against Reagan with Michael Dukakis. That man would be legendary pedophile billionaire and ex-socialist, Jeffery Epstein.

Since 2016, the DNC has been in dire straits and has been more desperate than ever before in needing money to survive as an institution designed to take money away from the people. The ‘Me Too” movement began to out various Democratic Party members as extorting women for money, knowing that if women could afford various expenditures like make-up cosmetics and the latest in cotton blood-absorbing technology, they can afford to also support the Democratic Party. The “Me Too” movement has caused men like Jeffery Epstein and the “Merry Pranksters”, a highly exclusive cabal of the top 5 male DNC donors, to be publicly ostracized and could no longer donate to the DNC out of fear of a chapter 7 bankruptcy. With the recent passing of Epstein, the DNC has looked into the means of ouija board or other forms of satanic rituals as a means to get confirmation into Epstein’s estate via clauses in his will.

The origins of Epstein’s wealth (estimated to be 3 billion dollars) have been disputed, but several theories have been proven correct by our lone Bullshit News accountant, “John Mannan”. One of the more plausible theories is Epstein’s expert ability to solicit bribes from the families he has tormented (a real bogey man) in nearly every attempt he has pursued. However, his role as being the ringleader of the “Merry Pranksters” is how, on paper at least, he made the majority of his income. Epstein has a large list of connections to the top 5 donors of the Democratic Party, one of which is the infamous Islamic CEO of Starbucks, Howard Schultz. Schultz and Epstein were childhood friends and went to school together, sharing the same “magic” school bus. Their school bus would be the origin point to their business models that have to lead to their “successful careers”. It should go without saying that current Democratic Party Presidential Candidate Michael Bloomberg would also board on this same school bus and was a Prankster, boarding that “bus” only a year earlier than Schultz and Epstein, as a Second Grader ostracized from kids of his own grade, would take refuge with the other pranksters before being satanically ceremoniously became their dear leader.

This was not any ordinary school bus, it was a satanic “magic” school bus. Epstein, Schultz, Bloomberg, movie producer Harvey Weinstein, and ex-President Bill Clinton were known as the “Merry Pranksters”, an evil pedophile and illicit drug syndicate that controlled the drug trade of adolescents of the Eastern United States. Together, they helped each other achieve fame and fortunes that made them household names, for worse or for worser. They would use the Democratic Party has a front to deposit their money (“in the short term”) while riding on the DNC’s credit cards to commit their reprehensible and deplorable actions on the American populace. They were smart enough to gain the system to know that the intelligence agencies and the IRS would never dare to look at how political parties achieve their donations. It’s beyond the scope of their duties.

Some people would jump to the conclusion that the fearsome foursome of the “Merry Pranksters” was a part of the “deep state”, which is a big misconception. They were the government. Bill Clinton went so far into the DNC that he became the President Of The United States. They controlled the more sinister political party of the two with a cold heart and a strong desire to spend America into eternal debt and condemnation. Furthermore, such claims about a “deep state” existing are mere attempts to obfuscate the gigantic fact that the Democratic Party is a racket. If they weren’t a political party, they would be RICO Act’ed into oblivion.

But of course, all of this is in the past. The Democratic Party of today decided on a more “progressive” path to political fundraising without the needs of the “Merry Pranksters”, and the results have been devastating. The Democratic Party has felt that they have no other choice but to channel the Prince of Darkness Satan himself in order to get a whiff into the possibility of obtaining Epstein’s estate before it is seized by President Trump’s administration. Time will tell if their satanic ritual and possible human or animal sacrifice will help them in the 2020 election.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.