Tag: stock market

America Must Protect Her Hedge Funds Against Insidious Trade Union Rebellion

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Gilbert Miser

The United States of America, under the direction of a new administration lead by Joe “Blow” Biden, has been disastrous at its worst and destructive at its best. The day Joe Biden stepped into office was the day the financial markets had to step up and defend our country from the evils that is crony capitalism (a democratic party only phenomenon). Sadly not even by the end of the first week, America was already being attacked from the inside out by a website called “Reddit” and their fictitious “Wall Street” with no real world connections to the Wall Street in New York City that is best known for giving money to real people that deserve it and don’t spew hate speech on internet forums. These, “redditors” decided to attack the life-preserving financial institutions known as Melvin Capital and Citadel LLC, both of which have helped our country tremendously and have been able to keep America afloat against Chinese tyranny, among other outside financial threats like the Dutch and Irish.

What these “redditors” (if that is the term they like to call themselves) did was invest in a dying video game company called Gamestop, which sold extremely violent and sexually promiscuous controversial games in retail format to deviant youths in order to make profit. Melvin Capital and Citadel, both much more massively influential and publicly recognized to the working man, wanted to invest in the downfall of the failure of the company that is Gamestop. The redditors rebelled by investing in the Gamespot stock (GME) in spite of the poor financial decision to do so, and as a result our great hedge funds have to endure a needless cost, which in turn makes America vulnerable to economic terrorism the likes we have not seen in history.

This is the part where I mention I have no business or ties to Melvin Capital, Citadel, or Gamestop. I am an honest billionaire who earned his money fairly from working hard and putting in tons of overtime much like you. I am not an insidious goblin who invests in penny stocks, junk bonds, and other such gimmicks. What is happening right now to America’s precious financial institutions is nothing short of terrorism. My own friends who work at these reputable firms are losing untold amounts of money because of what the Wall Street Journal (a liberal rag) would call a “meme stock”. This is no “meme’, people are losing their jobs and their overseas bank accounts because of this travesty. This is not a violent video game with Japanese female animation, these are real people these half-hearted redditors are tormenting with. And they don’t seem to care about who they are harming, illustrating a bigger problem in America today when compassion and empathy are burned to the ground for greed. It is nothing short of disgusting.

While financially illiterate fools will decry about “short selling” and hedge funds in general, they have no idea what they are talking about. Hedge funds have helped America since the dawn of the initial Revolution. If the colonies were not properly funded by hedge funds, we wouldn’t have a United States, let alone an America. When the War of 1812 happened, where did the U.S turn to for much needed financial assistance? It wasn’t the Federal Reserve, it was the hedge funds. By challenging the direction of how hedge funds work, we attack the very core of our nation. And in the name of tradition, we must preserve our financial-cultural heritage and not allow mere internet trolls or redditors control our precious stock market, one of America’s most noble institutions next to the Washington Monument and the White House.

It’s time that Joe “Sleepy” Biden must stop being asleep at the wheel and do something great for once in America. President Trump would’ve already either prevented or save our country from this crisis. Biden’s lack of comments on the situation is already damning enough, perhaps its in his best interest to destroy the last remaining precious thing about America: our glorious dollar. The lack of action is telling, but also a terrible sign for things to come in his administration. Save our hedge funds before it is too late!


Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

Bernie Sanders Unleashes Socialist Coronavirus Upon America Unless Coronavirus Doesn’t Exist

~ DonKaftan ~ 9 Comments

Written by Carlos Gutierrez

The United States may or may not be under a flu pandemic. There is a lot of uncertainty in the markets within the past couple of days leading to an unfavorable economic downturn. Left-wing mainstream media outlets like The Epoch Times and The FDRLST are putting their blame finger (the middle one) on President Trump while pushing for “accountability”. Such foolish socialist websites will often deflect blame to the real culprit who is trying to infect America with Chinese/Mexican-like diseases: Bernie Sanders with his deadly contagious Bernie Bros gang.

The (possible) origins of the coronavirus come from Wutan, China, which we can verify is a real place that has people and casinos and other forms of debauchery. Bernie Sanders, a self-diagnosed socialist and opponent of American liberty, has made several trips to China over the past six years under mysterious circumstances. Some of the more hopeful rumors were that Bernie Sanders has an offshore bank account somewhere in China, but I’m afraid the scandal is far worse than some petty tax avoidance, he is trying to destroy America from the inside out. If Bernie cannot achieve the nomination for the Democratic Party, he will salt America down with Chinese “herbal treatment remedies” or however Chinese scientists assisted him in starting the coronavirus. It’s not important. The main takeaway is that no other presidential candidate for the Democratic Party has supported China and the General Mao dictatorship other than Mr. Socialist Sanders.

However, the coronavirus (if the rumors are true and that it actually does exist and isn’t meant to poison the American people and tank the stock market) also has its origins in Oaxaca, Mexico. The water quality in Mexico is below subpar, to speak the least about it. And if water quality is unwell, then the chance for diseases can increase. I mean, corona is a word in Spanish, which leads to open interpretations for the disease to also be in El Salvador or Chile. I digress. Because of the open interpretations, it’s much more likely to believe that the possibly-existent coronavirus probably came from China than Latin America. Corona could mean something in Chinese but further research is needed.

We cannot ignore the elephant of the room behind the fact the coronavirus may or may not exist. Sure, a man in Washington died from symptoms similar to what they define as a “coronavirus” from Fox News, but a broken clock is right twice a day. The announcement of the “coronavirus” from the mainstream media (via Bernie Sanders) conspicuously also lead to a stock market drop previously unprecedented. Something is fishy, and that fishy is being intentionally put into the microwave, and making the entire country smell terribly. It’s not good for our wallet, which means it is not good for our health.

The facts are that this disease came from outside America, in China, and that Bernie Sanders does business with the Chinese with his off-shore bank accounts. It’s possible that Bernie Sanders might be compromised by the Chinese government and is running for president to spread Maoism across the land. How else could so-called socialists raise 16 million dollars and “win over voters”? Money doesn’t come easy from their ideology, especially with regards to taxing–their favorite hobby. China is a country strong with biotechnology, and with its ever-increasing threat over handling the planet over the United States of America, a virus that (could) threaten the entire population in an elaborate attempt to remove President Trump with an economic recession is very much possible. The influence of Mao on the Chinese government is still strong, and he very much despised America. Bernie Sanders is their golden opportunity to seize our country from ourselves.

So the coronavirus, which has possibly threatened a couple of lives could exist to destroy the American economy with help from the Bernie Sanders campaign, or it could not exist. President Trump has gone on the record to explain the multiple theories on the issue and has labeled the coronavirus as a terrorist threat to not only his presidential campaign but towards the economy as well. Time will tell what will truly happen, but If I had to think about it clearly for a minute, it’s clearly a hoax created by the Bernie Sanders campaign from his brothers that want to prove socialism is right by spreading lies to mainstream media outlets about a potentially real virus from China that could have been in America if it weren’t a hoax the whole time. I hope that clears up everything.

Carlos Gutierrez is the Bullshit News correspondent on Criminal Justice Issues, Immigration, and Russian Propaganda. He was born in Corpus Christi, Texas and is as American as you or anyone else that isn’t Irish or Italian. Devoted to his local Catholic Church, Carlos is an active member of his community and goes to church every Sunday, before the Cowboys game. Carlos worked on the 2016 Ted Cruz presidential campaign before coming to Bullshit News.