Happy Glorious Eternal Consumer Capitalism Extravaganza Fiesta!

Written by Deborah Schlasser

It is another glorious Sunday afternoon where we all indulge on the frankfurters, pigskins, and the almighty fashionable dollar. You read correctly, it’s “Superb Owl” day, where every American consumer has lined up their money for proper cushion rest, chips (WITHOUT SALSA, AN UNAMERICAN CONDIMENT), the pigskin, and most important, the advertising. Yes, folks, it’s a game of two very good NFL teams, the Philadelphia Whatevers and the eternal Tom Brady/Bill Bellichek football team by way of Massachusetts or some god-forsaken north-eastern state. Nevertheless, the almighty dollar rolls forward today and there’s nothing the no-good liberal-hating stock marketeers can do anything about it!

The NFL will reward consumers with entertainment, in exchange for a glorious percentage of gross revenue will come their way, without a single player acting out of line during the eternal everlasting National Anthem. This is the America our founding fathers envisioned, a land where we call peacefully watch a sixty-minute football game that determines who is the greatest football team of all time that year, while America’s national revenue jumps up remarkably. This is truly the greatest holiday right after Christmas, the 4th of July, and Black Friday. The “Superb Owl” day is one that has been etched into the American way ever since Ronald Reagan desired better ratings for his 1981 inauguration, which the “superb owl” game was previously known as the “NFL Championship game” without the advertising success its successor, the “Superb Owl”, would later achieve. Ronald Reagan came into office inventing a holiday to drive the American economy more than any Carter or Clinton presidency could achieve and on his first day in office!

So today, we honor our lost Founding Father, Ronald Reagan, by seeing which of two NFL teams is superior and which broadcast channel provider will reek in the prized allotted advertising revenue it gets to share with the NFL. It is a high and esteemed honor for the cable provider to give us this “Superb Owl” pigskin sport game for they continue a time-honored American tradition of sitting down on the sofa, drinking the beers, and eating as much food as you can eat provided from the Walmart or Vons grocery department that has an indispensable amount of chips and nacho cheese for America’s arteries to handle.

Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears. Deborah is a fan of winning and has a strong hatred of losing, hence why she is a devout conservative!

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