Soccer Is A Colonialist Communist “Sport” That Aims To Radicalize The Youth

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

It has come to the forefront of my foresight that many of the children these days no longer play football, that is the football both you and I know as the forearm-flinging of the pigskin on the football field. No, today’s children in America are no longer playing football because of some so-called “safety concerns” when helmets and pads are readily available in stores for use to play football. These children raised by their liberal millennial parenting prefer to play a new, emerging popular sport called “Football“, as they call it in Europe and other countries, which is appropriately demonized here in America as “Soccer“. More immorberal parenting has forced children to play soccer instead of football in a vain attempt to prevent injuries and concussions, which are not even fatal enough to warrant serious attention to the NFL. Liberals are actively making our children weaker, not stronger so that they can be susceptible to Godless Islamic Barbarianism and other evil forms of euro-colonialism and to destroy our country from within.

So what is this radical sport of “soccer”, and what is its appeal toward the youth? For one, you are not allowed to use your arms in the sport, unless you are the “goalkeeper”. This is absurd, football, baseball, basketball and even the Canadian sport of hockey aren’t stupid enough to prevent the use of arms in order to move your body in a sport. What this really means is that kids are taught to learn that their arms are useless and unneeded, a dangerous moral. What the Sandinistas are hiding from us and their “soccer sport” is preventing kids from developing upper body strength, which can allow them to properly fire a sporting rifle and not unintentionally injure a nearby pedestrian or parent. These instructions are important for children so they can learn to grow and become an able-bodied adult. If our weak and infantile offspring can’t defend for themselves, how can they raise children to continue the circle of life? Celebrating “soccer” allows a dangerous risk that may lead to the decline of the American Empire or Western Civilization. Making children play “soccer” is not worth any attempts by other, weaker world leaders in taking down America’s grasp on the world.

The sinister globalist-minded organization that helps promote this “soccer” brand/sport is known as FIFA. FIFA is much like OPEC, only they hold “soccer” events and don’t actively lobby for you hopeful and God-fearing Americans to increase the price of oil, toilet paper, and gas. FIFA is about as corrupt as the Democratic Party, being involved in RICO scandals as well as the ordinary money laundering. Ask for yourself, is this really the best organization that my kids should learn about their athleticism? I would much rather let my great-great-grandchildren play for a noble sports organization like the NCAA, MLB, or the NFL before they associate themselves with a RICO/Democratic Party collusion effort to take down America two arms at a time.

The vile effects of Soccer have been waning on America throughout the 21st century. Soccer may have been involved with the decline of children participating in baseball, which the whole world knows is America’s pastime. Baseball views on the television have been dropping every year while “MLS”, a FIFA-influenced racketeering operation focused in the United States, has been improving their ratings and drawing in more advertising and sponsorships, marking its economic threat in our country. America is already becoming different then the America I remembered growing up as a child in the  1910’s and 20’s, and if soccer overtakes baseball by the time I head to the grave, I will not believe this country can ever recover from such economic colonialism. Any money given towards the FIFA/OPEC giants is revenue lost in America that would be better suited to fund more sporting stadiums/complexes. If we start building more “soccer” stadiums over football fields, it will mark the beginning of the end of this great American empire.

No matter what your child believes is right about the sport of soccer, they are wrong. Do not allow your child to become a soldier for FIFA’s hands and be turned into a Sandinista. Protect our children for tomorrow, and say no for soccer and say yes to a real American sport like Football. Protect our children from communism, OPEC, and Godless Barbaric Islamic Invaders and ensure that your child does not start kicking around a volleyball while being thrown yellow and red flags by a zebra-striped whistle-blowing Sandinista.

 

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

The Washington Redskins Exemplify America’s Time-Honored Heritage Of American Sports Names

Written by Deborah Schlasser

Even though they play in the liberal hellhole of Washington D.C., there’s nothing that outrages liberals more than the physical brutality of football. Other countries have their own version of football, notably lacking the pigskin and its glorious knots and replaced it with a hollowed-out ball used for kicking–a symbol of technological incompetence of every country that can’t design and model a football properly. The Democratic Party does not like American exceptionalism, and always desire to find a way to lower America’s status on the totem pole, and they take great offense to the idea of “sports”. Like their views on government, liberals want to change everything about ideas and other concepts they don’t understand, as they find the name “Washington Redskins” patently offensive. How in the world can they find a football name controversial?

The Redskins are far from the only team liberals have trouble dealing with, they also don’t like the Cleveland Indians (I thought they liked Indians?), Cincinnati Reds, Chicago Blackhawks, and the Denver Nuggets. All of these names are considered “cultural appropriation” to liberals, and demand that all of these teams, some of which as old as the sports themselves, to change their names or hear liberals continue to whine about it for many more decades to come. They don’t care about traditions, they care about power and control, and are desperate for any kind of power to exercise because they don’t control the House, Senate, or the presidency.

What did the Washington Redskins ever do to receive this kind of scrutiny and ire from liberals? Apparently, it’s because the name offends “Native Americans”. Well listen from me, a native American, and let me tell you there is absolutely nothing palpably offensive about the “Washington Redskins” or the Cleveland Indians. Democrats, many of which are not Native Americans or native to America, find just enough reason there to object just as they hate Christopher Columbus for discovering a continent and pioneering the idea of freedom. Liberals don’t care to celebrate the heritage of these Native Americans for taking care of our land before we got there and became Native Americans ourselves. They think the name of “Reds”, “Indians”, “Nuggets” and “Redskins” are derogatory and “offensive” even though they honor the culture of Bill Clinton’s sexual promiscuity and Elizabeth Warren’s reckless identity.

Let’s examine how the logos are used to find anything offensive about them. First with “Chief Wahoo”, logo and mascot of the Cleveland Indians.

Chief+Wahoo[1]
Chief Wahoo. Notice the smile–a sign of happiness and content in a reasonable society like ours.
How is this offensive? It portrays a very happy Native American, in red white and blue like a real patriot, ready to celebrate his local American baseball franchise. His eyes are the shape of a triangle, which could be offensive until you remember he is a symbol of a baseball team, a sport known for its “diamond”, a special type of triangle and precious expensive metal. He could use a couple more teeth and a rhinoplasty, but it’s a cartoon. When have cartoons hurt people? Perhaps the Washington Redskins, the team with the most controversy to their name listed, has a more blatantly offensive logo.

 

washington-redskins-football-logo-300x245[1]
The Washington Redskins: Note the cultural symbols being honored.
The Redskins’ logo is a lot more serious than the animated presence of Chief Wahoo. It reflects the more serious and brutal tone American football provides compared to the lax and mellow nature of baseball. Instead of one feather, there are two. By liberal logic, they care about Native Americans twice as much as Chief Wahoo and the Cleveland Indians. But Democrats think just the name of the Washington Redskins is offensive. How do they think about a sports franchise’s name like that? The Redskins reflect all of the cultures and traditions of Native Americans, not bringing in scorn and misery to them. If they wanted to offend Native Americans, they could rename the team to the ‘Washington Casinos” but Dan Snyder, the owner of the Washington Redskins, won’t. Because he’s a reasonable caring man with integrity and emphasizes about those people, hence why the team is called who they are. The “Washington Native Americans” doesn’t have the same ring as the “Washington Redskins”, it’s not catchy enough for drunk and gregarious football fans to cheer on. And at the end of the day, these sports franchises are a business and come to these conclusions to make the most capital. No one wants to see the “Washington Native Americans”, they want to see the “Washington Redskins”. It’s just that simple.

It’s a national shame that sports-hating liberals want to change things they have no control over. But it’s not any different from standard Democratic Party behavior. The Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians, among all the other “patently offensive” sports franchises out there are safe. Their game and their name reflect our society and decorum, and we must preserve our sports that way. It’s what the founding fathers wanted.

 
Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports tabloid correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Red Wings, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears.

Nike Endorses Terrorism, Colin Kaepernick

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The infamous unemployed ex-quarterback and noted liberal Colin Kaepernick has returned just in time for football season. Not for a career comeback mind you, but to wreak havoc on the United States of America. Kaepernick will appear in a series of ads for Nike, a company that gives you the biggest reason to never trust anything that comes from the state of Oregon. Nike took corporate PR lessons from fatwa-inspired Starbucks in trying to garner the terrorist marketplace to wear their shoes instead of cutting off camel’s feet. And just like that, Nike opposes American values and supports socialism and the barbaric Godless Islamic Terrorists in the War on Terror.

Kaepernick has inspired no one but stoner hippies from Berkeley to be unemployed and donate money to terrorist causes such as Weather Underground, Antifa, and the Greenpeace Jill Steiners. Attached is a chart from a study generated from our in-house lawyer/doctor, Dr. Steven T. Clements Esq, on Berkeley’s rising unemployment since 2008.

BerkeleyUnemploymentRate

 

It is clear the widespread influence of formerly competitive athletes is particularly damning toward the East Bay suburb. But Berkeley is just a microcosm of the problem, which is that Colin Kaepernick supports ISIS with Nike as a beneficiary of their “activism”. No true American can oppose the War on Terror, and Kaepernick has knelt on that line because he is the Che Guevara t-shirt in American colleges. He is the new Fidel Castro, only he doesn’t have the widespread communist support of Cuba, which is still around and uninvaded. So Nike has decided to become “counter-culture” (anti-American) and create the new Che Guevara-inspired clothing to influence the college youth to vote liberal. This is immorberal.

Unemployment is not supposed to be an enjoyable, solidarity moment of political tribalism. It is a horrific rite of passage that sparks fear in every American to not turn into a homeless bum pedaling for pennies. Having a job and earning an income is part of the American experience, and now Kaepernick is shamelessly exploiting our hard-working capitalist enterprise which has the strongest economy in the entire globe which took 242 years to build from the ground-up. Nike supports this endeavor: homelessness, taxing the upper-middle incomes, and adherence to the Islamic tradition. While he may no longer be permitted to kneel on the turf, he can at least work forty plus hours a week like a real hard-working patriot that loves this country. Socialism is a disease on the rise, and Colin Kaepernick is a symptom that is infecting this country worse than syphilis.

The value of hard work in an economy as strong as ours is a symbol of how unified we all are against tyrannical liberals who want abortion legalized along with prostitution, gambling, and horsecollar tackles. They have no morals, no standards, and hardly have a shred of dignity with Nancy Pelosi roaming around. It is clear that the Democratic Party is in decay, and Nike will help them out by any means necessary. Even if it means uplifting the unemployed union-endorsing Kaepernick to be their icon of their anti-War on Terror movement. It is a great shame of capitalism to allow this to happen, but also somehow permissible. Bullshit News does not permit this, as any act of public advocacy that Colin Kaepernick enters is inherently unethical because of his embrace of socialism and governments that are not America. Nike could have been a normal shoe company and ignored the former quarterback but has decided to embrace him and every anti-American idea that he kneels for.

Exposing Kaepernick’s rhetoric to your children will lead them to believe that ISIS has a right to exist and for Christianity to fall because of its supposed societal ills. The Kaepernick fable does have a moral you can share with your children: never trust someone who is unemployed. They will have an agenda, and shove it in your face until you conform to their liberal views on life and their view on “hard work”. Don’t hand out money to someone that doesn’t give you a service and sits on a street, and instead give it to a corporation that deserves it, like New Balance.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Happy Glorious Eternal Consumer Capitalism Extravaganza Fiesta!

Written by Deborah Schlasser

It is another glorious Sunday afternoon where we all indulge on the frankfurters, pigskins, and the almighty fashionable dollar. You read correctly, it’s “Superb Owl” day, where every American consumer has lined up their money for proper cushion rest, chips (WITHOUT SALSA, AN UNAMERICAN CONDIMENT), the pigskin, and most important, the advertising. Yes, folks, it’s a game of two very good NFL teams, the Philadelphia Whatevers and the eternal Tom Brady/Bill Bellichek football team by way of Massachusetts or some god-forsaken north-eastern state. Nevertheless, the almighty dollar rolls forward today and there’s nothing the no-good liberal-hating stock marketeers can do anything about it!

The NFL will reward consumers with entertainment, in exchange for a glorious percentage of gross revenue will come their way, without a single player acting out of line during the eternal everlasting National Anthem. This is the America our founding fathers envisioned, a land where we call peacefully watch a sixty-minute football game that determines who is the greatest football team of all time that year, while America’s national revenue jumps up remarkably. This is truly the greatest holiday right after Christmas, the 4th of July, and Black Friday. The “Superb Owl” day is one that has been etched into the American way ever since Ronald Reagan desired better ratings for his 1981 inauguration, which the “superb owl” game was previously known as the “NFL Championship game” without the advertising success its successor, the “Superb Owl”, would later achieve. Ronald Reagan came into office inventing a holiday to drive the American economy more than any Carter or Clinton presidency could achieve and on his first day in office!

So today, we honor our lost Founding Father, Ronald Reagan, by seeing which of two NFL teams is superior and which broadcast channel provider will reek in the prized allotted advertising revenue it gets to share with the NFL. It is a high and esteemed honor for the cable provider to give us this “Superb Owl” pigskin sport game for they continue a time-honored American tradition of sitting down on the sofa, drinking the beers, and eating as much food as you can eat provided from the Walmart or Vons grocery department that has an indispensable amount of chips and nacho cheese for America’s arteries to handle.

Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears. Deborah is a fan of winning and has a strong hatred of losing, hence why she is a devout conservative!

Dumb Liberals Start “Quit For Kaepernick” Efforts To Help Disgraced Ex-Quarterback Colin Kaepernick Get A Job While Terminating Their Own Employment In Solidarity

Written by Deborah Schlasser

Stupid dumb liberals are at it again! Colin Kaepernick, the famous vegan loser from the Superbowl annual humongous football championship event from “Queer County” San Francisco 49ers, remains unemployed in his efforts to backup a significantly better quarterback. His contract with the 49ers has now ended, and surprise surprise, no one wants a quarterback whose specialty involves running fast and kneeling to Mohammed for forgiveness. His team went 2-14, only beating the “Los Angeles” (still weird) Rams, purely from his bad quarterback play. The dumb 49ers invested money into Jim Tomsula and Chip Kelly to make Colin Kaepernick a productive quarterback to win the Superbowl football championship game, and they both failed and were fired after one year. Of course, a team from San Francisco, hippie beatnik land, can’t budget their money wisely to even SNIFF the playoffs!! They are paying for their coaches salaries still, and their chance to actually land in the playoffs is a good fortnight or fortyear away. At least they are free with Colin “Quarterback” Kaepernick, who lost a Superbowl premiere football game to Joe Flacco, for goodness sake. Maybe if he were a fullback he could find a job, but his career might be put to a close this off-season as owners in the NFL agree: Colin Kaepernick has no football skills and will only be a liberal shill to their team’s locker room. No one wants that.

So liberals that can’t afford rent in the San Francisco Bay Area joining Colin Kaepernick’s efforts to be a quarterback in the league by quitting their own jobs to give Kaepernick, a millionaire who throws his money into the Black Panthers, whatever Boko Haram is, and the infamous militia, Black Lives Matter. These liberals hate America as they too refuse to rise and stand up for our National Anthem, a prayer blessed to us from God. They refuse to be productive units for our strong economy and now will join the failed slumdog quarterback millionaire Kaepernick by joining him and becoming unemployed. This movement reportedly started in Berkeley, is reported to have found “at least” 6,000 active participants to join them. We must force these liberals to serve our fries to us as WE in the participating economy, demand them too! They are whining their ways to profit from our dumb unemployment welfare system, we cannot allow them to do this! We must evict their apartments and studios because we know they cannot afford where they live without a job in the Bay Area! These wastes of tax paying dollars need to not show empathy to a terrible quarterback, but to be productive workers of America by paying taxes and HAVING A JOB!

Deborah Schlasser is the Bullshit News sports tabloid correspondent. She follows the Dodgers, Yankees, Cowboys and goes on and off with the Celtics and Lakers. She loves to win, having played in the NCAA Women’s Elite Eight with Stanford. Her second favorite hobby is licking liberals’ tears.

Editor’s Note: NFL, this is a non-profit entity. Don’t sue us for referencing your unemployed athlete or championship game that produces significant ratings/shares to our great economy.