Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief and Chief Executive Officer

 

Today is the Fourth of July, the 241st anniversary of America kicking the crap out of those feminist Brits and redeemed our religious liberty in our righteous sovereign nation. No longer were we colonies, but we were states, United States, for better (Texas) or for worse (California). Today, I will celebrate my freedom by grilling some of heartiest meats I’ve hunted this side of the Mississippi, as well as having some Coors. Happy birthday America, don’t let the godless feminists corrupt your beautiful core.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good heady IPA. He is as much of a patriot for America as liberals consistently demean it.

Written by Greg Stephenson

First, I would like to thank God for killing Fidel Castro on Black Friday, finally proving that capitalism is the dominant social paradigm for the entire universe. That hippie John F. Kennedy thought sending Castro poisonous pigs for him to eat would kill him. We should have dropped dozens of bombs on that communist bastard. But now that immortal coward has died, a significant amount of time has passed since his death last year where my close intelligence sources tell me that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is considering liberating the shit out of Cuba, and I cannot be against that notion by any means necessary. Cuba has always been an ideological threat to the United States’ government, and it’s about time we squash those fake Floridian shitheads.

Cuba, the tiny dose of communism in the Western Hemisphere, lacks a powerful cult of personality that many communist and fascist countries rely on. Look at what happened in Venezuela since the death of Chavez, instability and bureaucratic liberal control has related to one of the worst living conditions outside of Africa. Vietnam went the exact same way after Ho Chi Minh died of whatever [Poisoning? Look I’m about to get overtime so fact-check this one for me, Kaftan]. Communism gives them temporary power and sway towards America as a leverage tool to terrorist allies. Cuba is now suffering instability, which gives us great reason to attack. Communism means their citizens are malnourished and therefore inferior fighters. I bet they don’t even have 15 ICBMs, and if they did they probably gave it back to the USSR for food. Stupid commies can’t even understand agriculture.

Cuba has never benefited the United States in any positive way ever, aside from losing the missile crisis. Suckers! It’s not like the Hispanic community will miss Cuba, they will probably forget about them and focus on their own problems like poverty and socialism. It’s their time to renounce their communist ways, or face the swift price from American liberty!

Cuba is too close to America for geopolitical influence, and with the dangerous communist ideology to close to the Keys for comfort, they pose a serious threat to the American government. We must strike them before they can even launch a missile at Mar-a-Lago, and we must punish them swiftly for their crimes against humanity, impoverished and hungry citizens, and most justly for their communism. Good riddance (hopefully) in the future, soon-to-be 51st State!

Greg Stephenson is the Geopolitical and International Politics correspondent at Bullshit News. He has two cats and despises liberal despots as much as cats hate mice. Or at least his cats because he has a giant mice problem and his cats are too lazy to kill the damn rats and it’s messing up the place. Like shit, seriously, what the hell are cats for?

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The Supreme Court returning to its judicial activism past, have decided to scale back their executive dissent over President Donald Trump’s Executive Order 13769, more commonly cried out in the mainstream media as a “travel ban”. This “travel ban” prevents militant Islamists from six Middle Eastern terrorist-permitting, Sharia Law endorsing “countries”, to never walk on American soil, or they will suffer the consequences. These lawless lands are no less of a “country” then they are a lawless hellhole. We should all be supporting Donald Trump as he is keeping a promise to make America safer from terrorist attacks, unlike our phony neocon Bush and his Obama lackey.

I have talked to God today about the safety of this country, as I worry that the radical liberals and antifas will try to burn the White House down with Trump inside it. I pray to God daily for his wholesome advice on what to do when the liberals will take our guns under Pelosi’s guidance. But I would rather worry about the liberals then the terrorists, even if their goals are mutually comparable. The travel ban will put terrorist activities and plans to America at a halt, but OF COURSE, the liberals are trying to overturn this ban because they need terrorists to come into our country and vote for them. Typical democrat plot.

In any case, the travel ban is justified, Jesus didn’t want those barbaric Romans to crucify him and wanted to ban them from coming to Bethlehem. Donald is just taking a page from the good book and making it American foreign policy. We should all be celebrating this travel ban with a nice large ham for dinner. We won’t have to worry about radical Islam hurting our children in the local playgrounds with knives, bombs, truck ever again.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Muslims, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The White House had an off-camera briefing the other day, and a reporter questioned Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders about Donald Trump’s use of government funds to create a Chicago crime-fighting movement, the Chicago Gun Strike Force:

“I think that the problem there is pretty clear that it’s a crime problem. I think that crime is probably driven more by morality than anything else.”

She is 100% right. Trump has had America’s latest Detroit, Chicago, on his mind throughout his campaign and his presidency due to Chicago’s strict gun control laws and lack of God. Because it is so hard to buy a gun, it becomes too easy to commit a crime and get away with it from buying a gun on the black market.  You can’t call 9/11 if you’re on your knees, and not for Jesus.

As Bullshit News’s Official Pastor, I must tell you how Chicago is Sodom as it violates the seven cardinal sins.

Lust: Chicago allows birth control and abortions. C’mon now. Any state that votes for Democrats tends to have intercourse more on the mind than good ol’ God. I’m certain they have one of those sickening “Pride Parades” I unconsciously refuse to admit I am aware of.

Gluttony: The people are as wide as their deep dish pizzas. Look, there are 2.7 million people living in Chicago and I’m willing to put one million dollars on the line that there is at least one fat person sitting on Chicago. Go, try to prove me wrong there, atheists!

Pride: Chicago has had Michael Jordan, and the Cubs have finally won a World Series. The night they won that World Series, they indulged in their pride so much that they rioted. The denizens of Chicago should be happy Donald Trump has a heart for them and wishes to stop their crime and revamp it up. That’s much better than giving money to the Car industry like former President Barack HUSSEIN Obama did. Obama also has roots in Chicago, leading to those democraps in Chicago to have pride in that closet Islamic atheist.

The Bears will never win another championship, and the Bulls suck too.

Sloth: I never see no race-cars from Chicago ever win in Nascar. You can cite the Cub’s former World Series drought as evidence here. There is sloth in the lack of empathy, the high rate of murder, or find sloth in the interest to do anything in Chicago but join a gang and shoot people to live up to your dreams from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The city is absorbed in total nihilism and it sickens me. Their chili is good, but then again, gluttony!

Greed: Greed goes beyond money, which Chicago contributes its fair share to the economy with whatever industries it has. Greed is about being more into material possessions than your friends and family. As Chicago has a gun control problem, where the people of Chicago have difficulties owning a gun to be with their loved ones, and not by the bedside as they get shot from a “drive-by”. When children as young as five are brought into gangs and “become one with the gun”, they are committing greed. And murdering people is obviously bad, but Chicago doesn’t know that. Sad!

Envy: Well to be fair no one envies Chicago, not even Cleveland. Okay, I’m sorry I’ll take that one back, that was a bit too far. I sinned, please forgive me. Chicago has an envy for crime and has an insatiable desire for committing murders daily while they watch their local sports franchise make terrible decisions, leading to their fans envying sports teams outside of Chicago.
Wrath: Chicago is a wicked, windy, and crooked city. There’s a lot of crime committed there from Syrian refugees and the Chief Keef colored people. You hear about it every day, and it’s so sad. It’s a city so godless and corrupt, that yes ladies and gentlemen, Chicago is on-par today with the heathenish hellholes of Sodom and Gomorrah.

 

But it’s important to restate Sarah Sanders, crime is driven by morality. People without loved ones or their Bible (Atheists) in their life will be more likely to commit crimes than ones with parents and Bible (Christians). Radical Islam is created by the corruption of God’s word, and Sharia Law threatens to strike Chicago. My fellow Christians, we cannot let Chicago go into a Godless downward spiral to go with their high rates of crime. We must save Chicago from itself and give Chicago salvation. So give a prayer for Chicago that no one gets murdered tonight or the next night, and maybe soon Chicago won’t murder as many people anymore.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Atheists, excluding Catholics.

Written by Aaron Lau

One thing that always sours a liberals’ soup is whatever (and increasingly, whenever) Donald Trump has on his mind that he wants to share on the internet, preferably on twitter.

Doesn’t Donald Trump have the right to complain about whatever is on his mind, much like the average American? This is a simple expression of his patriotism and duty of service, he is relating to the common man! The mainstream media won’t give you that perspective, but we here at BSN will.

Today’s controversy-of-choice from the Dems is Donald Trump tweeting that Mika Brzezinski, an MSNBC correspondent was, “Bleeding badly from a facelift” after she was reportedly been at the President’s personal golf course and resort, Mar-a-Lago, three times.

So?

That is just the president’s opinion. He has a right to one, as do all of us, in the First Amendment. If he wants to call out a morning news anchor because he disagrees with her politics and/or looks, then so be it. He is the president, but he is also an American. He is guaranteed freedom of the press like the rest of us,  so why is he being hounded by the mainstream media? A man is entitled to his opinion, much like the rest of us average Americans.

It’s time we look past our President’s viewpoints on TWITTER, an INTERNET WEBSITE with no basis or grounds to REALITY. Just because he has one doesn’t mean you have to read it! If Donald Trump posted these remarks to Tumblr or Facebook, would you dumb dems still cry about? God, liberals get so upset over something minor like a facelift.

It’s time to move on from Trump’s twitter and start focusing on his Administration and how they are making America great as it once was. That is real news, and not whatever the president decides to gossip about today. We have serious issues we in the media need to discuss, such as the tax cuts to come later this year and rebranding our failing medical system (No disrespect to fellow correspondent, Dr. John Henry Roberts).

You don’t have to follow his twitter feed, after all.

Aaron Lau is the Bullshit News specialist in Social Media, Internet, and other On-Line issues. He is faithful to his bride-to-be, Donna Chieng. He enjoys ultimate frisbee and technology. 

Written by Dr. John Henry Roberts

There is a lot of liberal controversy over the American Healthcare Act (otherwise known in the Senate as the “Better Care Reconciliation Act”) , the Republican healthcare bill designed to replace the failed Obamacare system with a superior successor designed to help more Americans by not paying for the unconstitutional individual mandate, as well as repealing many other aspects from the Obamabill. Many have chastised Senate Republican leadership over this bill by touting the commonly debunked Liberal myth that the American Healthcare Act will reduce the amount of insured Americans by 23 million over the period of ten years. What the lefties have failed to see is that Republicans have planned on ending the long-epidemic country that is the obesity epidemic.

It’s not a lie that American pants are getting bigger and bigger, it’s well documented that the Chinese and Indonesian governments that manufacturer 62% of American apparel have added MSG to our foods so that they can make more money and sell bigger pants. Mitch McConnell and his wife, Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao, have seen through this, and aimed to make the American Healthcare Act to curb the ever-rising obesity epidemic in our country that only rivals Mexico for the fattest of the land. I have conducted a study that supports my hypothesis that as soon as the AHCA passes as intended, the obesity rate in this country will plummet. For security purposes, I cannot publish the study so please bear with me. My personal privacy is very important to me and I don’t want my research tainted by liberal scientific observers that stick their “hypotheses” to places it doesn’t belong.

Why is the Mainstream Media not supporting this aspect of the AHCA? Don’t liberals hate obesity and want it to end, or do they view obesity as a “human” attribute much like the queers? It’s hard to go inside the mentality of a liberal, because they have no brains! Haha, get it? Ben Carson told me that one a couple of years back. Good times, good times. Anyways…

Flattening the American obesity epidemic is a strong priority of the AHCA and the 115th United States Congress, and finally we can see some changes in this country unlike Obama and his standby obstructionism that has caused the strife political polarization in our country. It’s good to see the changes we wish to see in this country, going forward. Obesity has long been a problem to big to put down for Republicans. Liberals want to humanize these out-of-shape football players in expensive, tax-payer funded wheelchairs, to help their “mobility”. Pretty soon these same football player sized humans will demand their “mobile phones” for free too, but they already received those handouts from Obama a blue moon ago. Give up over-sized libs, your fight is over. Go home.

We can all afford to put down the ice cream sandwich, too. Spend this holiday season with your tax returns on a treadmill and not at Taco Bell.

Dr. John Henry Roberts is a doctor. He owns a Rhodesian Ridgeback named “Sparky”. His medical field specializes in head injuries/trauma.