OPINION: Invade Cuba

Written by Greg Stephenson

First, I would like to thank God for killing Fidel Castro on Black Friday, finally proving that capitalism is the dominant social paradigm for the entire universe. That hippie John F. Kennedy thought sending Castro poisonous pigs for him to eat would kill him. We should have dropped dozens of bombs on that communist bastard. But now that immortal coward has died, a significant amount of time has passed since his death last year where my close intelligence sources tell me that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is considering liberating the shit out of Cuba, and I cannot be against that notion by any means necessary. Cuba has always been an ideological threat to the United States’ government, and it’s about time we squash those fake Floridian shitheads.

Cuba, the tiny dose of communism in the Western Hemisphere, lacks a powerful cult of personality that many communist and fascist countries rely on. Look at what happened in Venezuela since the death of Chavez, instability and bureaucratic liberal control has related to one of the worst living conditions outside of Africa. Vietnam went the exact same way after Ho Chi Minh died of whatever [Poisoning? Look I’m about to get overtime so fact-check this one for me, Kaftan]. Communism gives them temporary power and sway towards America as a leverage tool to terrorist allies. Cuba is now suffering instability, which gives us great reason to attack. Communism means their citizens are malnourished and therefore inferior fighters. I bet they don’t even have 15 ICBMs, and if they did they probably gave it back to the USSR for food. Stupid commies can’t even understand agriculture.

Cuba has never benefited the United States in any positive way ever, aside from losing the missile crisis. Suckers! It’s not like the Hispanic community will miss Cuba, they will probably forget about them and focus on their own problems like poverty and socialism. It’s their time to renounce their communist ways, or face the swift price from American liberty!

Cuba is too close to America for geopolitical influence, and with the dangerous communist ideology to close to the Keys for comfort, they pose a serious threat to the American government. We must strike them before they can even launch a missile at Mar-a-Lago, and we must punish them swiftly for their crimes against humanity, impoverished and hungry citizens, and most justly for their communism. Good riddance (hopefully) in the future, soon-to-be 51st State!

Greg Stephenson is the Geopolitical and International Politics correspondent at Bullshit News. He has two cats and despises liberal despots as much as cats hate mice. Or at least his cats because he has a giant mice problem and his cats are too lazy to kill the damn rats and it’s messing up the place. Like shit, seriously, what the hell are cats for?

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