Tag: assassination attempt

Donald Trump Thwarts Leftist Secret Service Assassination Attempt

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written By John Kaftan

An evil leftist attempted to assassinate the (soon enough) President of the United States, Donald Trump this afternoon at one of his pep rallies in Butler, Pennsylvania. While the near-tragedy is still under investigation, it is safe to say and assume that one of Joe Biden’s goonish Secret Servicemen were guilty of letting this near-fatal incident to happen. “Sleepy” Joe Biden, the Democrat Party nominee and former Vice President under the Obama Regime, recently had an egregiously atrocious debate against former President Trump last week, and Bullshit News has the inside source that Biden’s numbers after the debate were not looking good for the old man currently vacationing in the White House. Sleepy Joe must have been quite angry in spirit, because one of his defensive henchmen almost let our former President die in the hands of a (as of time of publishing, unknown but very strongly presumably) “woke” leftist antifa-person.

From our intelligence, it seems like it’s a pretty clear case that Mr. Biden and his shadow cabinet of Secret Servicemen were directly responsible for the assassination attempt. Former president Trump has been accused by the leftist media and former ‘Secret Service’ men of improperly charging them exorbitant rates for his own protection. Instead of accepting former President Trump’s premium rates for protecting him in one of the most lavish hotels this side of the Mississippi world, they sought out revenge by typical Federal Government bureaucracy and mis-management. By letting a would-be assassin almost carry out the murder plot, they could look perfectly harmless while committing the very real harm of murdering a US President. Years of verbal and near-physical abuse to Mr. Trump was perhaps one of the main reasons why the Secret Service let a homicidal maniac leftist to nearly kill our beloved President #45 (47?). But these were not the only times the Secret Service had a vendetta to our former president.

One anonymous Secret Servicemen said that President Trump had, “set the SS back 10 years […] The overall culture and way of doing things took a big step back“. Other reporting of Secret Service grievances included that Trump had (somehow) deliberately infected hundreds of SS men with “Coronavirus”, despite the fact that President Trump cured Covid halfway through 2020, as our lives went back to normal later that year. There were also reports that the Secret Service had, at many times, failed to uphold their duty to protect the president by letting a 20-something yuppie roam around the White House for 20 minutes, presumably to look for one of those Work Progress Administration jobs that welfare queens take to steal our taxpayer dollars and waste it on frivolous immorberal goods. Other reports from disgruntled Secret Service men that refused to answer our questions directly, but naturally would answer leftist media‘s questions, stated that the Secret Service has been “cash strapped” since September 11th, 2001. Being a “cash-strapped” organization for over 20 years and supposed misgivings regarding exorbitant hotel rates from a five star hotel owned and operated by Trump and his family is the best plausible explanation as to why the Secret Service did not seem to care or be emotionally moved by Mr. Trump’s near-possible death experience.

As easy it would be to point the blame on our continued existential threat regarding the Godless Islamic Barbarians being the origin of the attempt, there is too much political strife in our America this decade. The evil leftists refuse to concede nor acknowledge the fact that not only do they run the country and our culture, but they are also sick and tired of our beloved former president that is ready to help make America great again, again. The Barbarians are more likely to be focused on trying to save Hamas and Palestine, which can only be saved because of the Biden Administration’s efforts to remove all progress to Middle East peace that President Trump solved in his first administration. Rogue Secret Service actors, of which there are many of them from various alleged grievances, must be the ones responsible. After all, if they actually upheld the duty they are sworn to follow, they would have let the rally go by peacefully (as all of Trump’s rallies do) and nothing of note would have happened other than the 100,000+ devoted followers of Trump being elated by the President and his speeches regarding how he would do such a great job to be President again and finish the job forever in November.

We have no information about the would-be assassin so far in our slow news cycle world. But it’s easy to conclude that they must have been an Antifa member, vetted and approved by the Secret Service to assassinate President Trump. Lone wolf theories are just that—theories. In our incredibly online and digital age, there are no more “lone wolves”. Everyone has a Facebook, and everyone has friends on Facebook, so no one is truly “alone” anymore. No one just dilly-dallies and decides to assassinate the president just because they can or could, there is always an agenda—an agenda that is typically communist and/or leftist. Sometimes both. We here at Bullshit News choose to not pick the blame or fight anyone, we are happy that President Trump is healthy and doing alright after that Antifa/Secret Service conspiracy plot failed spectacularly. May this help galvanize our United States of America to unite together, left, right and center minded people alike, to wake up and realize that Trump will make our country strong again. After all, he narrowly avoided death today while Mr. Biden remains asleep at the wheel of our country hitting a downturn economic drag into an existential oblivion where China and/or Iran runs the world and destroys our valuable US Dollar forever. President Trump is our call for pure unbridled American Freedom, and it’s important to note that we almost lost that today.

John Kaftan is the only child of Don Kaftan, who remains locked up in ADX Florence, Colorado over his alleged involvement in the “January 6th, 2021 incident”. He is currently the Editor-in-Chief of Bullshit News until his father is free. As a “Gen Z”, John understands the youth and engages his free time encouraging his fellow generational cohorts into Republican politics by playing “Minecraft, Roblox, and Fortnite in his spare time while finishing up his degree at Bob Jones University. He is currently applying to Harvard Law School and hopes to become a constitutional lawyer and member of the Federalist Society and Heritage Foundation.

Bernie Bro Arrested After Attempting To Illegally Inject President Trump With Marijuana

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Tom Montefusco, A Democratic Party voter and marijuana enthusiast, was arrested yesterday morning around 7am after a failed attempt to run on the White House lawn with three needles in hand too, “inject the President with compassion and happiness”. Montefusco was found to be a part of the Democratic Party machine known as the “Bernie Brothers”, or “Bernie Bro” for short. The Bernie Brothers are the new wave of Democratic Party socialists that want to see an end for all economic organization and moral obligations in society. Bernie Bros actively attempt to overthrow the government so that the higher income inclined people, such as myself, pay more for taxes beyond our consent. But if there is something much more tangible and dangerous than socialists trying to raise our taxes (again), it’s an assassination attempt of our dearly beloved President.

It’s no secret that 2020 is an election year, the Democratic Party is outraged by four years of successful diplomacy and financial liberation from the Trump Administration. The economy is running well, which forces the Democrats to act highly aggressive, like letting one of their most dangerous senators like socialist champaign king Bernie Sanders and Israel-denier Elizabeth Warren run for candidacy. As of the time of this article’s release, Bernie Sanders, the most left-wing (communist-enthusiasts) members of their party. Radical politics is nothing new for the Democrats, but you can tell they’re going all-out. Their propaganda, combined with the questionably pernicious social media websites, have lead to the radicalization of Tom Montefusco, the would-be assassin.

Bernie Sanders has consistently demanded for our United States of America to surrender in the drug war when we are clearly ahead by miles. Elizabeth Warren has expressed sympathy for the enemy, including marijuana and it’s equally evil cousin, cocaine. Their support for their drug, perhaps even an endorsement at times, perhaps influenced Montefusco’s failed assassination bid. Perhaps he wanted to be enamored by his peers or was paid off by the Michael Bloomberg campaign as a smear to the socialists within his party. No matter who in the Democratic Party wanted this convoluted idea to go through, one of their future leaders will likely be in prison for the rest of his life because no one is above the law. Not even people that try to kill the president.

Tom Montefusco was not a “lone wolf”. He was very active with the Bernie Brothers’ movement to attack all that do not believe in their ideology, much like Joseph Stalin and his Antifa secret secret police. The Bernie Bros formed in 2015 on what appears to be a website called Twitter, where they began vocalizing their frustrations about people not reading enough Marx and engaging in the lamentations of the women. Their desire for drug consumption was a frequent discussion within the Bernie Bros, often encouraging each other to recklessly recreationally enjoy illegal substances. It was only a matter of time before one of them wanted to engage the community’s plea to kill the President.

Fortunately, all is fine–for now. But we must remain vigilant against the Bernie Bros, for they may try to attack President Trump again, especially when they lose the election again come November. No one should have to be forcibly injected marijuana without their consent. It is no different than murder or relaying electronic sign signals in a Baseball game. The Bernie Bros will never cease until Bernie Sanders is president, and it’s up to us to make sure that does not happen.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.