The So-Called ‘Evolution Theory’ Is A Liberal Conspiracy Theory Designed To Dismantle Small-Town America

Written By Pavel Shostakovich

Greetings my fellow Americans of good Republican nature that are fruitfully fertile. I remember when my ancestors fled the USSR under the reign of Stalin in the 1950s to enjoy the much-sought-after “American Dream”. They went to the one-state they felt was most comfortable to them weather-wise, Wisconsin. They were aware of the lies that are California, they knew it was all too similar to the evils of the USSR with their Moonbeam governor and their pernicious universities in Berkeley and San Francisco. They knew what made America great were the small towns, the heartland, or as the evil far-left pundits at Breitbart call it, “Heartland America”. Small-town America is not the “Heartland America”, it is America. To suggest otherwise is unfactual.

On that small farm in Wisconsin where I was conceived, I learned real American values and discovered supermarkets twenty years before Gorbachev did and worked the blue-collar jobs like lobbying and alcohol industry. My father worked in multiple steel mills and my mother in a couple coal mines starting when she was 12. They worked in rough, laborious jobs which would make them miserable and get stale bread in the USSR, but in America, they lived in comfort and ate bread with garlic.

My point is, small-town America gave my family hope and inspiration, whereas cities like New York, Seattle and Chicago would spit on them and force my family to live in an uncomfortable apartment next to some overly talkative and intrusive man named “Newman” or “Kramer”. The perceptions people have on small-town Americans are vapid and meaningless, especially the portrayals of West Virginia in Mainstream Media culture. They call Iowa, “field of dreams” and “flyover county” because it appears boring on the outside. Well, have you looked at planet Earth from Google Maps? It looks boring on the outside too, but we are all a “small-town America” in the galaxy, nay, the universe we live in. We should not be making fun of others no matter the size of their local nation, state, or country. Although Crimea had it coming.

The “Evolutionary Theory” is the theory taught in many Big-City American Towns that we come from the monkeys and not through a divine command and/or will from Our Lord. The small-towns in America know better and are good-natured in understanding the world was put together from God and his son Jesus. They willed the world with morality, which is where humanity ergo man, scientifically known as the “Homo Sapien” truly began. All those before His Command were neanderthals, and nothing more. Once morality was implemented, society began via The Roman Empire (later Byzantium) and Greece. The big city schools refuse to learn the real way mankind was conceived and instead force their children to learn the jargon of Charles Darwin and other Nancy Pelosi-inspired nonsense.

But alas, my expertise involves America’s relationship with Europe and not just small-town America, despite it being my background. But I am tired of Mainstream Media publications trying to disregard the America that I come from. It’s disgraceful and ethical of these so-called CNN-inspired journalists to say defaming statements that small-town America is “irrelevant” or “invalidates the Electoral College”. America began as a small-town, and as they say here that we should never “forget our roots”. It appears to me that these journalists forgot that we are a country of immigrants, not ignorant immigrants. I remember my parents fought tooth and nail to escape Stalin’s purges or when my father got his neck screwed off in a steel mill malfunction incident that the Carter Administration-influenced regulations impacted him. Big city Americans influenced those decisions and I can never forgive them, which is why I always vote Republican.

The “Evolution Theory” was invented to divide America toward the state where it is today, where liberals are free to claim the President cannot do what he is rightly able to under Executive Privilege. One part of America will listen to the President proudly while the other part refuses to comply and be patriotic to our wonderful Dream-inspired country. It is a shame the big city Americans don’t understand how much freedom they live in, but as a small-town American, I do.

Pavel Shostakovich is the Bullshit News correspondent reporting on Russian, European, and Euro-American Affairs. He is a naturalized American citizen whose parents escaped Communist tyranny in Russia, AND NOT BELARUS. Pavel studied political science at the University of Pennslyvania and is a member of the Federalist Society. He is a part-time European Policy Czar for the Donald Trump Administration.


Written by Carlos Gutierrez

It’s a large open secret now that liberal media have been circulating a myth about a fictional federal agency called “ICE” that is rounding up and separating quasi-illegal children from their illegal parents that cannot afford to come into this country. Well, now there might be a reason to believe that an “ICE” agency should exist to protect our border from the illegals. A new Harvard study has been published after twenty-five years of research has horrifically concluded with a shocking realization: The United States of America harbors over one billion illegal immigrants.

The illegal immigrants are possibly everywhere, one billion is a rather large number. A number that can certainly be useful if a rich media conglomerate would ask to purchase and remove us from the Internet airwaves if they so desired. These illegal, too-lazy-to-file-paperwork immigrants are stockbrokers in Idaho, cow wranglers in Vermont and doctors in Arizona (where illegal immigration is twice as illegal than it is in any other state). The illegals are hellbent on not paying taxes, not properly learning how to speak English and taking the valuable jobs from legal Americans that did their patriotic duty to file paperwork on-time and correctly.

Why does America harbor so many illegal human beings? There are multiple factors, remember the people from Harvard are smart and know what due diligence means. For one, the illegals are capable of reproducing five babies a year. FIVE!!! There are unconfirmed reports that there are women that have up to eight babies a year, coming from an “Octomom”. These quasi-illegal children are known as the “Anchor Babies”, children that become American citizens for being born on our soil.

For purposes of the Harvard study, the Anchor Babies were tallied as illegals (as their parents rightfully are), and whether or not the Anchor Babies came with their parents or suitable Border Patrol guardian. Despite legal bodies, they have illegal, and possibly malicious tendencies to wreak havoc upon American society. With billions coming into the country, the more likely it is that these “illegals” will harbor communist ideology and threaten to destroy the United States of America. This is unacceptable.

The Anchor Babies, descending from their mothers with multiple wombs, have the ease of not being a lifetime burden. But these billions of illegals need to contribute to the economy or suffer the consequences. There are billions of these illegals and anchor babies that walk among us. They threaten our countries future in not having jobs and taking the jobs that legal Americans earned. If even one-fourth of these Anchor Babies have socialist sympathies, that can be a lost generation in due time.

One of the major factors brought up in the Harvard study was that of evil Big Government’s incompetence. Big Government has always been one of the few but biggest problems in American History, right after Taxes and the unfortunate War of Northern Aggression. The big Federal Government, until President Trump, has been enormous and an incredible burden on tax-paying legal Americans. The government takes and wastes tax dollars and leaves America with far too many problems than what they solve.

Big Government could not possibly be bothered to deal with illegal immigration, with credit to the Obama regime’s laissez-faire approach to citizenship. They are far too incompetent to think of an execute an idea like “ICE”, you can never trust the government to be perfect. If “ICE” were to exist, then how come America has over a billion illegal immigrants?

Harvard University also says that Big Government’s ordinary bureaucracy and incompetence goes top to bottom and that legal immigration paperwork is akin to taxes, being too difficult to comprehend to these wannabee American. Being the most successful country on planet Earth is something that desires these billions of illegal people to accomplish the American Dream. But one thing they must learn about America is the bureaucracy of filing paperwork. If they can’t write paperwork and turn it in on time, why should they become American citizens? It displays a lack of commitment, as bureaucratic as the government is, becoming a legal American citizen is not difficult. But they stay in America, waiting for the green light to become legal, but the truth is that it’s not that easy. No one in America gets a free pass, your Bernie Sanders bus crashed in 2016, you evil socialists!

There are other factors brought up in the Harvard study, and many of them involve advanced statistics that would make a liberal’s head explode. The illegal immigration epidemic is no longer an open secret, and President Trump must act now to solve this problem. Perhaps “Immigration Customs Enforcement” would be a great idea to round-up these illegal immigrants, but how can you ever trust the government to do their job?  Harvard University doesn’t even believe in them. Something must be done.

Carlos Gutierrez is the Bullshit News correspondent on Criminal Justice Issues and Immigration. He was born in Corpus Christi, Texas and is as American as you or anyone else that isn’t Muslim or Jewish. Devoted to his local Catholic Church, Carlos is an active member of his community and goes to church every Sunday, before the Cowboys game. Carlos worked on the 2016 Ted Cruz presidential campaign before coming to Bullshit News.

Audacious Liberals Have Launched A Movement To Ban Ice Cubes

Written by Gilbert Miser

In what might be the most non-sequitur political argument ever crafted, the Democrat party has decided to launch a movement titled, “Abolish ICE” or in millennial speak, #AbolishICE. Liberals are desperate for any kind of political victory ever since their party collapsed in 2016 and lost the presidency. Why do Democrats want to abolish ice cubes? Well, it’s a pretty complicated reason that brings up every political cliché you can think of.

The Democratic Party follow many kinds of conspiracy theories, from the Global Warming/Al Gore hoax to the myth that guns kill people. Liberals care about the environment and keeping it precious and soft, while the land that God created was meant to have its mineral rights used by Americans to dominate the world, by Republican hands. The Ice Cube ban is a multi-pronged agenda that involves global warming, a common food product located in every freezer in America, and lies. Democrats believe that ice cubes can cure the global warming, and desire to privatize ice cubes so that they can “save the planet” and send the ice cubes up to the sun. I’m not here to talk more about Al Gore’s desire to destroy America with Powerpoint slides, as Bullshit News has already covered that (thank you to our in-house scientist, Dr. Steven Clements). The anti-free market liberals know that global warming isn’t real, so they decided to stretch their nonsense even more ridiculously.

Their latest trick is about a fictional federal agency called “ICE”, which stands for “Immigration Customs Enforcement”, three concepts about the government that obviously don’t exist. They believe that ICE is separating women from their children and that immigrants are not sub-human Godless Islamic heathens with deadly societal intentions that need to be questioned intensely. “ICE” allegedly deports illegal immigrants, people in mental asylums, and Canadians, but that all sounds impossible. These people come into our country without any sort of documentation or job skills can benefit our blue-collar American lives. They have no worth in American society, they are like the Irish of 100 years ago, THEY NEED NOT APPLY.

There is no such thing as “ICE”, the federal government may be big and formerly incompetent under the Obama regime, but the government doesn’t need some sort of police specifically for immigrants or refugees. Border Patrol does all of that work already, having this “ICE” would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. President Trump and any other like-minded Republican understand that wasting taxpayer dollars is a cardinal sin in politics.

The most reasonable solution for any immigrant/refugee or otherwise non-American mental asylum patient is to be given further scrutiny over Border Patrol agents and, if possible, continue to separate anchor baby children from their illegal parents. Both of my parents died when I was two, and I still turned out to be a highly successful broker turned venture capitalist and a multibillionaire. We have the American Dream, anyone can work hard and get to where I am today. The American Dream is what separates us from those evil sinister European countries and trade groups like NATO and the European Union that want to crush the almighty American dollar. We want these new(ish) quasi-illegal Americans to come into this country to be tough and strong like real Americans, and this separation must continue in order for this to happen.

I understand this new wacko-liberal conspiracy theory is tough to follow, so let me simplify things:

1. Liberals refuse to end their global warming/Al Gore myth. Continuing this myth makes it easier for them to fight a fake agenda because they cannot comprehend what politics is actually about.

2. Liberals believe in some police-state form arm of the government called “ICE” that detains and brutalize up and coming Americans that came here illegally and are held under their will because of possible communist/Islam intentions.

3. Liberals want to privatize or ban ice cubes as a way to “end global warming” by sending the ice cubes up into the sun to make it less hot.

4. Liberals believe that “ICE” would use ice cubes to waterboard otherwise illegal human beings within America. Oh, and they separate parents from their kids or something like that.

So the next time a bunch of teenaged liberals talks about “#abolishICE”, you can safely ignore their psycho pleas and desire to destroy the Trump Administration from the inside out. Just laugh at them and call them out on how ridiculous they sound. And besides, if the American government separates women from their children, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But liberals enjoy jumping to conclusions without using their small brains to think deeply about a situation for longer than a minute.

I never normally used ice cubes, but now I’m going to use them for all of my drinks. I encourage you all to do the same. The government should not take away our ice cubes and liberals can take my ice away just as soon as they try to pry my gun away with my bare hands.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”.