Beware Of Frog People

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

My fellow Humans, we are under duress by multiple evil-doers on a daily basis, whether it is the Islamic-Sikh Asaadists or Nancy Pelosi and the evil House Democrat Party Plot. But there are more existential threats to ourselves, the Christian Human race who have roamed the Earth for the last 6,000 years. There is a common conspiracy regarding the existence of “Lizard People”, which is factually unverifiable because God does not like lizards nor brings them up in the bible. It’s why they taste bad. But human beings and only one other animal share a common ancestry: the Frog.

Now you may be wondering about that Evolution myth about some monkeys, fish, plants, birds, rocks, and things but they are never referenced in the New Testament with a connection to the Human Being (except for “things”, you know what they are). However, the Bible does bring up multiple conversations between Jesus Christ and the Frogs. In Revelation 16:13, Jesus fought the Three Dragon-Frog Sinners Of Judaism. In that fight, the Dragon-Frog Jew Sinners with their large and mighty tounges inflicted Jesus’s seed permanently with their Frog DNA, causing some sons and daughters of Jesus (in faith) to possibly turn into these Frog People.

Revelation 16:13 is not Jesus’s only encounter with Frogs or Frog People, but it is his most important encounter. Frogs are routinely referenced as being a plague or scourge and acting as one of Jesus’s many antagonists. You can find that relevant material on this link. Frogs are not very edible, and since they have no other function for us big-brained humans, they are a threat to our existence. They could learn how to use a shotgun or .22 pistol quickly if The Lord is still furious at us for letting his Son die and all that. We must not risk ourselves and the plight of our species against these Frog People.

Now that we know why the Frog People are our enemy, we need to understand why the Frog People must be stopped and permanently exiled or exterminated from our society. You may recognize a “Frog Person” if their skin can become suspiciously green at any time. Sometimes the Frog People can change their skin and back to their Human skin again by a blink’s notice. The following is a description of Frog People and Frog People-like behavior: short in stature, bulgy frog-like eyes, bendable/weak arms and/or legs, large tounges, short appetite, enthusiasts of the musical group “Phish”, ability to jump over large heights, little to no hair, has a strong hobby or interest in swimming or water sports, strong lungs and “shakey” tendencies. Here is a drawing/representation of a frog person:

Frog Person

As you may notice, this frog person is on the lookout to attack or perhaps feast on a Human prey. Their large tounges could catch Jesus and invade his DNA, and Frog People can do it to you as well! They may appear innocent and humanlike, but be warned as the Frog People have sinister intentions and more than likely prefer the Old Testament over the more true and much more faithful New Testament which actually brings up Jesus Christ. Be aware, they are Frog-People, not Frogs. This drawing is a Frog Person in their Frog form, which they can turn into it for roughly 30 milliseconds to as long as three minutes depending on what their False Prophet orders from them if they deem a Human nearby as a threat or as candy.

The False Prophet is the leader of the Frog People, with the leader being chosen in a manner similar to Catholicism and the “Pope”. The False Prophet does not live on Earth–he cannot. He communicates via satellite with remote controls and VHS tape (the only kind of visual media that can work in space, don’t ask NASA, read the Bible) to control his army of frog people that inhabit in at least 3% of the Human Race on our Earth planet. There are rumored to be as many as 13 “False Prophets” operating at any time, but further investigation is needed.

I’m afraid I’m going to have to address to so-called “Frog-Elephant in the room”. There is a common misconception in the mainstream media about the Frog People menace. Liberal occasional MSNBC correspondent Alex Jones has referred to an unknown substance called a “chemical” that turns frogs into homosexual deviants that lust for blood or for some other nefarious and unordinary purpose. This is merely Obama propaganda and can be rationally ignored as nonsense. The Frog People are very much straight and have strong desires to procreate multiple Frog People into existence for they want to take over our planet and replace the human race. Their intentions, while on the outside seem innocent, are genocidal on the inside.

That is all the information I have as of this very moment I can share about the Frog People. There is no true call to action, this is merely a public service announcement. If you see a fellow human “brother or sister” friend of yours, and you notice they have turned into a Frog Person for a rare period of more than 30 seconds, then you must do your sworn Christian Human duty and engage in self-defense on behalf of the Human race. Don’t take it very personally, it’s for our children and their children’s children to live in a pure world free from all threats against humanity. Sacrifices need to be made, feel fortunate that you can do your part against these evil crusaders and help humanity win the battle for God’s love.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Muslims, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

We Must Remove All “Pornography” Off The Internet

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The internet has been one of the most revolutionary inventions in the entire world. As a writer on the first conservative website on the world-wide-web, a feat that took twenty-two years, there is a shockingly disgusting amount of pornography on the Internet. Such smut is a shocking display of immorality designed to destroy Christianity from the inside out. Something must be done to remove all these photos of scantily clad women and men pornifying our society.

Sexual intercourse is for procreation purposes only. Unless you’re Barack Obama and want kindergarteners to start breeding to create more Democrats. Pornography in our society encourages the women to engage in abortion, a cardinal sin for almost all religions, even for Catholics. The creation of life is the most important aspect of our existence, and masturbation is some sick game that results in spilling important seeds needed to fertilize our women. All sperm is sacred, and any needless drop of sperm as the result of pornography graphically assaults our society and damages the minds of children awaiting God’s glory.

There should be no surprise that liberals are in favor of masturbation, calling it a “personal liberty”. Democrats don’t understand true freedom is being able to procreate without heinous non-sperm producing devices such as “dildos”, “vibrators”, or any other Satanic-influenced device. It makes perfect sense that Democrats suffer from low testosterone, and are unable to multiply fruitfully, coming from their vegetarian or “vegan” diets based in soy and not testosterone-filled red meat. Thus, the Democrats must use pornography in order to concede to the fact that they are being outnumbered by fertile Republicans. The Democratic Party is a dying breed.

Beyond the so-called “women’s liberation” permitting the legalization of pornography in America, the over-abundance of pornography in our society poses an existential threat to our species. Young boys will prefer to masturbate over finding an ideal humble Christian woman to marry. With more distractions from “smartphones”, condoms, and other pornographic devices that distract our children, what can we do to repurify these millennials? I’m glad you let me ask because my solution is easy and has worked in every era in every generation of human history: the Bible. The Bible educates everyone about the sanctity of life and teaches us the dangers of immorality in our society, like murder, adultery and of course, pornography and masturbation. I lock all the apps on my children’s phones except for The Bible, as technology these days are much too lax and allow such vile filth to be promoted everywhere.

Sadly, the Bible by itself does not end the nonstop distribution of pornography that spreads like a Northern California wildfire. But we have some help in destroying the vile pornography industry. Vice President Mike Pence believes in our mission that pornography is an evil sin that should be banned throughout America. The pornography industry has created a social construction called “sex work”, which is not exclusive to prostitution, pin-up modeling or mutual masturbation. Such “sex work” involves women wearing hardly any clothing at all, soliciting “tokens” on a web-operated camera which can be used to inherit American dollars. These e-harlots refuse to do legal occupations and operate in black markets offline as well. They are agents of sexual trafficking and should be prosecuted as such. The Bible would consider such atrocious acts as sodomy as well.

While many consider the invention of the World Wide Web to be a blessing, it reaps what it sows in morality. The amount of pure evil and vile and shocking displays of “human sexuality” is the decaying moral agent within our society that causes civilization to break down. Such decadence encourages liberal/judicial activism, higher divorce rates, and promoting the Gay Agenda. We must retaliate with the one Book that guides us all under God’s light, and it doesn’t come from “Pornhub”, it comes from Jesus. Jesus, please save our children from the easily-accessible pornography that runs rampant on the world-wide-web. They can’t help themselves.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Evangelicals, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.