Mike Pence: “Russia Is Friend, Not Foe”

Written by Rachel Gilfords

In a bizarre White House Press Conference late last week, Mike Pence was asked about the vast left-wing conspiracy theory that is Russia’s alleged collusion efforts towards the  Donald Trump presidential campaign. Mike Pence, visibly frustrated from the Democrat-aligned media, wanted to “Talk right down to Earth, in a language that everybody here can easily understand.” Mike Pence then began to mimic a chimpanzee in his body language by declaring “Russia good, NATO bad; Russia friend, not foe, Russia stimulate American economics, not dismantle country unity”. He did not respond to any further questions and kept talking in the same motion and rhetoric with heavily dilated pupils. When asked about his mental state and/or clarity the day after, Mike Pence said he might have had his wife’s sleeping pills before the conference to relax his heart, which he said has been aching him for quite some time.

We reached out to Mike Pence for further comments after the presser, but the White House declined to comment. We suspect that closet liberal staffers might have drugged Mike Pence into giving a pro-Russia press conference, which would explain the lack of Sarah Huckabee Sanders, but this is only a guess really.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered Afghanistan and Iraq in one year and has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Roger Ailes. She has a tiny brown Pom named Thin Mint. 

Gays Are Emasculating Our Military And It Needs To End

Written By Sgt. Louis Gates II

The repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell may be the biggest mistake the American military community has made in this century. We now have an army that is infiltrated by men who really love engaging in intercourse with other men. That is morally repugnant, but I’m not here to discuss that. The gays have entered our military and have emasculated what it means to be part of the Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force, and whatever the hell the Coast Guard people do. They probably have sex with each other because it’s so boring to watch the oceans all day. Those Queerdos.

When people think of the United States’ army, they think of a hyper-masculine man who isn’t afraid to rip open a terrorist’s head off and spit down their neck in the name of FREEDOM. Since DODT was repealed, we have soldiers that put pink on the American flag while they march in Afghanistan. That is only acceptable if the soldiers were dumb enough to put their uniform in the wash, because I don’t see any other ways that the American flag has pink on it, unless you’re, God-forbid, one of those feminist peoples. The gays don’t even walk they same way a normal, mentally stable American soldier walk. They march off-sync, and that tells the enemy we are not an organized unit, which will lead to more American deaths immediately. We must lobby ourselves to Trump to repeal DODT so that our men in uniform walk straight and in-sync.

But it’s more than telling the enemies that we’re sissies by having the Gays pushing their agenda into our military, it’s telling them we accept anyone to fight for our country, which is a terrible idea. We should allow only the toughest and bravest citizens to fight for our country, until case of total war where we will need a draft. The only advantage I see a gay man in uniform may have over a straight man is the ability to seduce other men in uniforms to steal their intelligence, but that is such a far-fetched conclusion that I have strong doubts that scenario has ever occurred, or will ever happen. And this is all before we mention that gay people are very stylistic and flashy, which tends to distract our men in uniform from fighting. The gays don’t dig camo and always need to pinkify everything.  You KNOW they’re going to complain about “their outfits” all day, which isn’t a good talking point when you’re fighting in enemy territory.

Gays, like women, don’t need to be in the military. They are too distracting to our macho male soldiers that don’t need to be distracted by a hot pink uniform when a grenade is thrown right towards them. The price of losing this beautiful country is too high to worry about gay people in the military. They can stay at home and watch “FRIENDS” I suppose.

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns four rottweillers and is a big Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters.

Happy American Independence Day!

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief and Chief Executive Officer

 

Today is the Fourth of July, the 241st anniversary of America kicking the crap out of those feminist Brits and redeemed our religious liberty in our righteous sovereign nation. No longer were we colonies, but we were states, United States, for better (Texas) or for worse (California). Today, I will celebrate my freedom by grilling some of heartiest meats I’ve hunted this side of the Mississippi, as well as having some Coors. Happy birthday America, don’t let the godless feminists corrupt your beautiful core.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good heady IPA. He is as much of a patriot for America as liberals consistently demean it.

OPINION: Invade Cuba

Written by Greg Stephenson

First, I would like to thank God for killing Fidel Castro on Black Friday, finally proving that capitalism is the dominant social paradigm for the entire universe. That hippie John F. Kennedy thought sending Castro poisonous pigs for him to eat would kill him. We should have dropped dozens of bombs on that communist bastard. But now that immortal coward has died, a significant amount of time has passed since his death last year where my close intelligence sources tell me that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is considering liberating the shit out of Cuba, and I cannot be against that notion by any means necessary. Cuba has always been an ideological threat to the United States’ government, and it’s about time we squash those fake Floridian shitheads.

Cuba, the tiny dose of communism in the Western Hemisphere, lacks a powerful cult of personality that many communist and fascist countries rely on. Look at what happened in Venezuela since the death of Chavez, instability and bureaucratic liberal control has related to one of the worst living conditions outside of Africa. Vietnam went the exact same way after Ho Chi Minh died of whatever [Poisoning? Look I’m about to get overtime so fact-check this one for me, Kaftan]. Communism gives them temporary power and sway towards America as a leverage tool to terrorist allies. Cuba is now suffering instability, which gives us great reason to attack. Communism means their citizens are malnourished and therefore inferior fighters. I bet they don’t even have 15 ICBMs, and if they did they probably gave it back to the USSR for food. Stupid commies can’t even understand agriculture.

Cuba has never benefited the United States in any positive way ever, aside from losing the missile crisis. Suckers! It’s not like the Hispanic community will miss Cuba, they will probably forget about them and focus on their own problems like poverty and socialism. It’s their time to renounce their communist ways, or face the swift price from American liberty!

Cuba is too close to America for geopolitical influence, and with the dangerous communist ideology to close to the Keys for comfort, they pose a serious threat to the American government. We must strike them before they can even launch a missile at Mar-a-Lago, and we must punish them swiftly for their crimes against humanity, impoverished and hungry citizens, and most justly for their communism. Good riddance (hopefully) in the future, soon-to-be 51st State!

Greg Stephenson is the Geopolitical and International Politics correspondent at Bullshit News. He has two cats and despises liberal despots as much as cats hate mice. Or at least his cats because he has a giant mice problem and his cats are too lazy to kill the damn rats and it’s messing up the place. Like shit, seriously, what the hell are cats for?

The Travel Ban Is Moral And A Great First Step Towards Defending Our Land From The Godless Islamic Heathens

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The Supreme Court returning to its judicial activism past, have decided to scale back their executive dissent over President Donald Trump’s Executive Order 13769, more commonly cried out in the mainstream media as a “travel ban”. This “travel ban” prevents militant Islamists from six Middle Eastern terrorist-permitting, Sharia Law endorsing “countries”, to never walk on American soil, or they will suffer the consequences. These lawless lands are no less of a “country” then they are a lawless hellhole. We should all be supporting Donald Trump as he is keeping a promise to make America safer from terrorist attacks, unlike our phony neocon Bush and his Obama lackey.

I have talked to God today about the safety of this country, as I worry that the radical liberals and antifas will try to burn the White House down with Trump inside it. I pray to God daily for his wholesome advice on what to do when the liberals will take our guns under Pelosi’s guidance. But I would rather worry about the liberals then the terrorists, even if their goals are mutually comparable. The travel ban will put terrorist activities and plans to America at a halt, but OF COURSE, the liberals are trying to overturn this ban because they need terrorists to come into our country and vote for them. Typical democrat plot.

In any case, the travel ban is justified, Jesus didn’t want those barbaric Romans to crucify him and wanted to ban them from coming to Bethlehem. Donald is just taking a page from the good book and making it American foreign policy. We should all be celebrating this travel ban with a nice large ham for dinner. We won’t have to worry about radical Islam hurting our children in the local playgrounds with knives, bombs, truck ever again.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Muslims, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “

The Nationwide Epidemic of Voter Fraud

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-in-Chief

Liberals in our country have suspiciously expanded their political influence to gain political power. They attempt to appear the majority of the people when in reality, Democrats are the minorities in our Congress and lack any power. Democrats in recent years have begun undertaking “innovative” methods to gain more seats in the House and Senate, by means of nationwide voter fraud.

What is voter fraud? It’s a phenomenon where someone ineligible to vote, like refugees/immigrants or convicted felons, is able to anyways without repercussions. Voter fraud is also when someone impersonates an eligible voter and steals their job. Democrats are kings of voter fraud, like in the state of Virginia where they allowed convicted felons to vote for a limited time before our handy-dandy judicial system stopped them (H/T NBC29). Sleazy democrats need to find a strategy to get more votes behind their antiquated ideology.

Voter fraud can be found everywhere in America because many polling booths in our country do not ask for ID, or for a criminal background check. This is absurd, how do we prevent criminals from voting if we have a system that can let teenagers vote if they can name a dead person with a voting record? We must take measures to lessen voter impersonations and enforce tougher security to every voting booth in America. Every voter should go through a quick criminal background check before they can put their pen to the ballot. With Internets technology these days, we can program a mobile phone app that tells poll workers whether or not people in their district are frauds and crooks or real authentic American voters.

But the liberals say, “Oh, voter fraud is a victimless crime, and it hardly ever happens. Why waste federal funds to it?”. This is complete disinformation and riddled with misconceptions. Voter fraud is a crime to our democracy and to the way the government operates. If our Republic has any instance of voter fraud in an election, it will invalidate the entire system, or at the minimum, the state the crime was allowed in. Voter fraud is what led an Islamic man into our office for eight years and we’re still getting over his wrath. The government should expend federal funds to prevent illegitimate elections and foreign, mischievous interference into our Democracy. Don’t listen to the liberal misconceptions of voter fraud–it is very much real and a big epidemic in our country. We here at Bullshit News support the Presidential Administration’s effort to curb voter fraud and back them 102%.

After a 2% margin of error, of course.

Don Kaftan is the Founder of Bullshitnews.org. He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good heady IPA. Don Kaftan was a former lecturer at Bob Jones University before getting the pink slip for “expressing his mind”.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Chicago Is Sodom

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The White House had an off-camera briefing the other day, and a reporter questioned Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders about Donald Trump’s use of government funds to create a Chicago crime-fighting movement, the Chicago Gun Strike Force:

“I think that the problem there is pretty clear that it’s a crime problem. I think that crime is probably driven more by morality than anything else.”

She is 100% right. Trump has had America’s latest Detroit, Chicago, on his mind throughout his campaign and his presidency due to Chicago’s strict gun control laws and lack of God. Because it is so hard to buy a gun, it becomes too easy to commit a crime and get away with it from buying a gun on the black market.  You can’t call 9/11 if you’re on your knees, and not for Jesus.

As Bullshit News’s Official Pastor, I must tell you how Chicago is Sodom as it violates the seven cardinal sins.

Lust: Chicago allows birth control and abortions. C’mon now. Any state that votes for Democrats tends to have intercourse more on the mind than good ol’ God. I’m certain they have one of those sickening “Pride Parades” I unconsciously refuse to admit I am aware of.

Gluttony: The people are as wide as their deep dish pizzas. Look, there are 2.7 million people living in Chicago and I’m willing to put one million dollars on the line that there is at least one fat person sitting on Chicago. Go, try to prove me wrong there, atheists!

Pride: Chicago has had Michael Jordan, and the Cubs have finally won a World Series. The night they won that World Series, they indulged in their pride so much that they rioted. The denizens of Chicago should be happy Donald Trump has a heart for them and wishes to stop their crime and revamp it up. That’s much better than giving money to the Car industry like former President Barack HUSSEIN Obama did. Obama also has roots in Chicago, leading to those democraps in Chicago to have pride in that closet Islamic atheist.

The Bears will never win another championship, and the Bulls suck too.

Sloth: I never see no race-cars from Chicago ever win in Nascar. You can cite the Cub’s former World Series drought as evidence here. There is sloth in the lack of empathy, the high rate of murder, or find sloth in the interest to do anything in Chicago but join a gang and shoot people to live up to your dreams from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. The city is absorbed in total nihilism and it sickens me. Their chili is good, but then again, gluttony!

Greed: Greed goes beyond money, which Chicago contributes its fair share to the economy with whatever industries it has. Greed is about being more into material possessions than your friends and family. As Chicago has a gun control problem, where the people of Chicago have difficulties owning a gun to be with their loved ones, and not by the bedside as they get shot from a “drive-by”. When children as young as five are brought into gangs and “become one with the gun”, they are committing greed. And murdering people is obviously bad, but Chicago doesn’t know that. Sad!

Envy: Well to be fair no one envies Chicago, not even Cleveland. Okay, I’m sorry I’ll take that one back, that was a bit too far. I sinned, please forgive me. Chicago has an envy for crime and has an insatiable desire for committing murders daily while they watch their local sports franchise make terrible decisions, leading to their fans envying sports teams outside of Chicago.
Wrath: Chicago is a wicked, windy, and crooked city. There’s a lot of crime committed there from Syrian refugees and the Chief Keef colored people. You hear about it every day, and it’s so sad. It’s a city so godless and corrupt, that yes ladies and gentlemen, Chicago is on-par today with the heathenish hellholes of Sodom and Gomorrah.

 

But it’s important to restate Sarah Sanders, crime is driven by morality. People without loved ones or their Bible (Atheists) in their life will be more likely to commit crimes than ones with parents and Bible (Christians). Radical Islam is created by the corruption of God’s word, and Sharia Law threatens to strike Chicago. My fellow Christians, we cannot let Chicago go into a Godless downward spiral to go with their high rates of crime. We must save Chicago from itself and give Chicago salvation. So give a prayer for Chicago that no one gets murdered tonight or the next night, and maybe soon Chicago won’t murder as many people anymore.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Atheists, excluding Catholics.