Written by Rachel Gilfords
The infamous unemployed ex-quarterback and noted liberal Colin Kaepernick has returned just in time for football season. Not for a career comeback mind you, but to wreak havoc on the United States of America. Kaepernick will appear in a series of ads for Nike, a company that gives you the biggest reason to never trust anything that comes from the state of Oregon. Nike took corporate PR lessons from fatwa-inspired Starbucks in trying to garner the terrorist marketplace to wear their shoes instead of cutting off camel’s feet. And just like that, Nike opposes American values and supports socialism and the barbaric Godless Islamic Terrorists in the War on Terror.
Kaepernick has inspired no one but stoner hippies from Berkeley to be unemployed and donate money to terrorist causes such as Weather Underground, Antifa, and the Greenpeace Jill Steiners. Attached is a chart from a study generated from our in-house lawyer/doctor, Dr. Steven T. Clements Esq, on Berkeley’s rising unemployment since 2008.
It is clear the widespread influence of formerly competitive athletes is particularly damning toward the East Bay suburb. But Berkeley is just a microcosm of the problem, which is that Colin Kaepernick supports ISIS with Nike as a beneficiary of their “activism”. No true American can oppose the War on Terror, and Kaepernick has knelt on that line because he is the Che Guevara t-shirt in American colleges. He is the new Fidel Castro, only he doesn’t have the widespread communist support of Cuba, which is still around and uninvaded. So Nike has decided to become “counter-culture” (anti-American) and create the new Che Guevara-inspired clothing to influence the college youth to vote liberal. This is immorberal.
Unemployment is not supposed to be an enjoyable, solidarity moment of political tribalism. It is a horrific rite of passage that sparks fear in every American to not turn into a homeless bum pedaling for pennies. Having a job and earning an income is part of the American experience, and now Kaepernick is shamelessly exploiting our hard-working capitalist enterprise which has the strongest economy in the entire globe which took 242 years to build from the ground-up. Nike supports this endeavor: homelessness, taxing the upper-middle incomes, and adherence to the Islamic tradition. While he may no longer be permitted to kneel on the turf, he can at least work forty plus hours a week like a real hard-working patriot that loves this country. Socialism is a disease on the rise, and Colin Kaepernick is a symptom that is infecting this country worse than syphilis.
The value of hard work in an economy as strong as ours is a symbol of how unified we all are against tyrannical liberals who want abortion legalized along with prostitution, gambling, and horsecollar tackles. They have no morals, no standards, and hardly have a shred of dignity with Nancy Pelosi roaming around. It is clear that the Democratic Party is in decay, and Nike will help them out by any means necessary. Even if it means uplifting the unemployed union-endorsing Kaepernick to be their icon of their anti-War on Terror movement. It is a great shame of capitalism to allow this to happen, but also somehow permissible. Bullshit News does not permit this, as any act of public advocacy that Colin Kaepernick enters is inherently unethical because of his embrace of socialism and governments that are not America. Nike could have been a normal shoe company and ignored the former quarterback but has decided to embrace him and every anti-American idea that he kneels for.
Exposing Kaepernick’s rhetoric to your children will lead them to believe that ISIS has a right to exist and for Christianity to fall because of its supposed societal ills. The Kaepernick fable does have a moral you can share with your children: never trust someone who is unemployed. They will have an agenda, and shove it in your face until you conform to their liberal views on life and their view on “hard work”. Don’t hand out money to someone that doesn’t give you a service and sits on a street, and instead give it to a corporation that deserves it, like New Balance.
Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.