Tag: 2020 Presidential Election

Joe Biden Is The Anti-Christ

~ DonKaftan ~ 14 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

It is no secret that our wondrous, first place country THE United States of America, has been going through some “turbulence” so to speak. Some folks are out here proclaiming America is going through a bout of fictional highly infectious diseases and also has to deal with a largely astroturfed opposition against our faithful President Trump and his desire to Make America Great Again. The Democrats behind their crazy frantic leader Nancy Pelosi have made Joe Biden their nominee for the elections in November. But who is this Joe Biden, and how come this average dumbfounded American was chosen to run against Donald Trump? I have a very simple answer for you all my friends.

Joe Biden was formerly a Senator for the state of Delaware: an area of the US that only exists for almanac aficionados. To enter Delaware, you need to put your hand on this book called the “Necronomicon”, a wretched literature detailing dark alchemy and an introduction to satanic rituals. Delaware is also known for being a pro-tax state, having many companies call Delaware their home for tax-specific purposes in order to prove that Delaware really exists. Joe Biden founded the state of Delaware as a means to avoid paying taxes, only to end up being involved in a major scheme helped out by Enron, America’s (formerly) only liberal gas and oil company. Rather than facing a stern punishment of life in prison or even capital punishment over attempting to create a tax haven in the United States, Joe Biden went an unconventional route, he ran for office and won his “election” that no one seriously thought to look deeply into. As a result, Joe Biden was a Senator for 36 years instead of accepting his capital punishment and/or facing life in prison.

But that is far from the most deeply shameful thing about satanic Senator Joe Biden. His “accomplishments” have made him the Vice President of the dismal 8 year Barack Obama regime of destruction and apologies. Biden was complicit in crashing the economy once in 2008 and is rumored to have a role with the Bernie Sanders campaign over creating the Coronavirus, which of course doesn’t actually exist but yet somehow does in spite of facts, physics or prayer. In these 8 years of trying to destroy America from the inside out, Biden found a new form of spiritual reawakening, only instead of being correct as a newborn Christian, he went to hell to deal with Satan instead like a career politician.

In hell, Biden met Satan while Biden was undergoing satanic brain surgery to fix what was broken inside of him (his spirit and according to rumors, his “mojo”). Satan told Biden that he would easily be the next President of America because of his charisma and “go-getter” attitude could stop the unstoppable Trump. Then they held a ritual which caused a volcano in Iceland to erupt and prevent me from going to my flight to Ireland for almost two weeks. That volcano was a sign of things worse to come.

So now that we’ve established that Joe Biden is a product of Satan, we need to explain his rise to becoming an Anti-Christ Superstar. He worked to destroy some of the finer aspects of our American Economy such as bailing off our automobile companies, advocated for institutional evolution courses to convince children that God isn’t real, planted condoms in kindergarten classes to encourage nearly infantile Democratic Party members to breed “early and often”, and has fake teeth (another sign from the Bible about the Anti-Christ). Biden has done nothing in his life to prove he has trustworthiness, but won his votes in “Delaware” for 30 years by running unopposed, with each person that ran against Biden disappeared under mysterious circumstances, perhaps relating to Biden’s role with the Clinton Foundation. He has never proven once in his 36+ years of politics that he is an intellectually capable and moral enough to be purely human. He had help from Satan to become a one-winged angel. 

Joe Biden isn’t some harmless old man that wants to become the next President of America, he is a dangerous fanatical ideologue who reads the Kabbalah and the Necronomicon to poor children in order to convert them to the Democratic Party, corroding their hearts and poisoning their minds. Biden is a man deeply routed in the hated of our country, a charismatic man whose smile smites an entire cul-de-sac. He is the Democratic Party’s best shot at defeating Trump, and he wants to overthrow your Democracy. Do not let him destroy America in November, pray for him instead.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Hillary Clinton Endorses President Donald Trump For Reelection

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief, And Founder

Despite the possibly fictitious corona-virus scare from the Bernie Sanders campaign designed to disrupt our natural order, there is still a presidential election going on in November this year. Another candidate that won’t be on that ballot is one of the most infamous to ever run for office in our freedom-loving country. Hillary Clinton, a woman whose name alone elicits all the scandals she’s ravished onto America, has decided that after her other failed bid at becoming Prime Minister of Canada, she has finally learned how to use her brain and endorse the one person who already has a track record of successfully running America, President Donald Trump.

Hillary has joined President Trump in his rallies (before this coronavirus hoax epidemic meant to assassinate Trump’s character) at first to loud and unpleasant booing from the audience who have learned to treat Hillary Clinton as Adolf Hitler for five years. But after a rally in Dayton, Ohio where Hillary Clinton spoke about the radical left-wing threat that is Joe Biden and how he will come to take over people’s jobs, she drew strong praise from the Trump campaign not heard since November 2016. Hillary obviously had a feud with Bernie Sanders before, and she is smart enough to never support socialist communism unless it directly benefits her.

In spite of Hillary’s endorsement being a surprise to many in the Trump Administration, the President himself has refused to acknowledge support from one of the more infamous politicians to touch God’s green and murky brown Earth. Trump has stated in a press conference: “It is great that Hillary has finally come to her senses and be on the right side of history. But I don’t know, she might be better suited to stay by her man [Bill Clinton] and not talk while important men like myself are speaking. She’s still very nasty, quite nasty indeed, but she’s alright I guess. Maybe she won’t go to prison after all [mild chuckle]”. Hillary has also “joked” at some of these rallies that being in prison is a preferable sentence than going to support Joe Biden as the presumptive Democratic Party nominee.

History will tell how important and significant it is for an untrustworthy, immorberal, corrupt and famous politician like Hillary Clinton to go across party lines for a cause that is truly worth aligning for. This may perhaps be Hillary Clinton’s swan song of politics, and it is the first good thing she has ever done for our wonderful and beautiful country. But we should also use caution and hope this isn’t a trap set up by the nefarious DNC to force our fellow countrymen to vote against ourselves, and therefore the true dogma and face of our country, because of Hillary’s endorsement.

In any case, this does not look good at all to Joe Biden’s campaign, which already has had trouble getting Joe Biden to come out in public and take a mental competency test, which Trump already passed with flying colors just under a year ago. This has created strong friction within the Democratic Party as they have trouble letting Joe Biden talk for longer than three minutes. Hillary has seen the writings on the wall with the DNC and their management of the Biden campaign, and she knows what’s going to happen. We thank Hillary Clinton for her obvious endorsement of what’s at stake, but we cannot forgive her and her bloated husband for disrupting the American economy and damaging the average American’s view of politicians and how the status quo works, but at least she is finally coming to her senses bare minimum. Thank you, Hillary Clinton.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan’s resume was rejected from Fox News, which ignited the fire for Don to start Bullshitnews.org and spread his message of conservatism to everyone beyond the electromagnetic spectrum. 

Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.