Written by Pastor John Mathewson
It is no secret that our wondrous, first place country THE United States of America, has been going through some “turbulence” so to speak. Some folks are out here proclaiming America is going through a bout of fictional highly infectious diseases and also has to deal with a largely astroturfed opposition against our faithful President Trump and his desire to Make America Great Again. The Democrats behind their crazy frantic leader Nancy Pelosi have made Joe Biden their nominee for the elections in November. But who is this Joe Biden, and how come this average dumbfounded American was chosen to run against Donald Trump? I have a very simple answer for you all my friends.
Joe Biden was formerly a Senator for the state of Delaware: an area of the US that only exists for almanac aficionados. To enter Delaware, you need to put your hand on this book called the “Necronomicon”, a wretched literature detailing dark alchemy and an introduction to satanic rituals. Delaware is also known for being a pro-tax state, having many companies call Delaware their home for tax-specific purposes in order to prove that Delaware really exists. Joe Biden founded the state of Delaware as a means to avoid paying taxes, only to end up being involved in a major scheme helped out by Enron, America’s (formerly) only liberal gas and oil company. Rather than facing a stern punishment of life in prison or even capital punishment over attempting to create a tax haven in the United States, Joe Biden went an unconventional route, he ran for office and won his “election” that no one seriously thought to look deeply into. As a result, Joe Biden was a Senator for 36 years instead of accepting his capital punishment and/or facing life in prison.
But that is far from the most deeply shameful thing about satanic Senator Joe Biden. His “accomplishments” have made him the Vice President of the dismal 8 year Barack Obama regime of destruction and apologies. Biden was complicit in crashing the economy once in 2008 and is rumored to have a role with the Bernie Sanders campaign over creating the Coronavirus, which of course doesn’t actually exist but yet somehow does in spite of facts, physics or prayer. In these 8 years of trying to destroy America from the inside out, Biden found a new form of spiritual reawakening, only instead of being correct as a newborn Christian, he went to hell to deal with Satan instead like a career politician.
In hell, Biden met Satan while Biden was undergoing satanic brain surgery to fix what was broken inside of him (his spirit and according to rumors, his “mojo”). Satan told Biden that he would easily be the next President of America because of his charisma and “go-getter” attitude could stop the unstoppable Trump. Then they held a ritual which caused a volcano in Iceland to erupt and prevent me from going to my flight to Ireland for almost two weeks. That volcano was a sign of things worse to come.
So now that we’ve established that Joe Biden is a product of Satan, we need to explain his rise to becoming an Anti-Christ Superstar. He worked to destroy some of the finer aspects of our American Economy such as bailing off our automobile companies, advocated for institutional evolution courses to convince children that God isn’t real, planted condoms in kindergarten classes to encourage nearly infantile Democratic Party members to breed “early and often”, and has fake teeth (another sign from the Bible about the Anti-Christ). Biden has done nothing in his life to prove he has trustworthiness, but won his votes in “Delaware” for 30 years by running unopposed, with each person that ran against Biden disappeared under mysterious circumstances, perhaps relating to Biden’s role with the Clinton Foundation. He has never proven once in his 36+ years of politics that he is an intellectually capable and moral enough to be purely human. He had help from Satan to become a one-winged angel.
Joe Biden isn’t some harmless old man that wants to become the next President of America, he is a dangerous fanatical ideologue who reads the Kabbalah and the Necronomicon to poor children in order to convert them to the Democratic Party, corroding their hearts and poisoning their minds. Biden is a man deeply routed in the hated of our country, a charismatic man whose smile smites an entire cul-de-sac. He is the Democratic Party’s best shot at defeating Trump, and he wants to overthrow your Democracy. Do not let him destroy America in November, pray for him instead.
Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.